by L.H. Cosway
I didn’t blame him, not one bit. Because it was right for him to hate me. Him hating me was the natural order of things, and he should’ve done since the moment he first laid eyes on me. This was good, I tried to reassure myself. Lee finally seeing the destruction us being together created was beneficial to everyone. I could handle this. Last night I’d said goodbye; I’d mentally prepared myself for the separation.
So why did it feel like my heart was breaking all over again? Inside the strings were snapping with a violent crack, indefinitely severed.
After locking me in his stare for what felt like forever, Lee didn’t breathe a word, just stalked right by me and out the door. Somehow that was worse, his silence. I would have preferred him to shout something terrible, call me a bitch. That way, I could hate him in return, but I didn’t.
And the terrifying thing was that I never would.
***
“Stu got seven years,” Alexis told me a few weeks later as I drove her to the doctor’s for one of her scheduled checkups. “With good behaviour he could be out in two.”
“Who told you this?” I asked, my hands gripping the steering wheel too tight, instantly clammy with sweat.
“I bumped into the Trevor on the high street.”
“Did he say how Lee’s been holding up?” My heart pounded to think of him, knowing he’d have moved on from blaming me and started in on himself.
“He’s angry, drinking too much, a nightmare to live with, according to Trevor,” Alexis answered.
“I can imagine.”
She glanced at me sideways. “He never tried to make contact with you, did he?”
“Not since the day in court,” I answered, unable to disguise the sadness in my voice. A day later, I found my car keys in an envelope slotted through our letterbox. My car sat repaired and good as new outside the building, the final connection between us carefully cut. Sure, no contact was for the best, but it still stung that he never even tried to call, not once.
Alexis reached over and gave my arm a squeeze, empathy in her eyes. “When you grow up like those boys did, around people who’d knife you for so much as looking at them the wrong way, everything in life is either one extreme or the other. And they hold grudges, serious grudges. It’s the only way they know how to operate.”
“You think I don’t know this? I deal with people like that every day.”
“Then why are you acting so heartbroken? Deep down, you expected this. You know you did.”
I heaved a breath. “Yeah, well, I have daddy issues. It’s not surprising that I picked the wrong man to fall in love with,” I joked flatly.
Her hand still rested on my arm, and she gave me another squeeze, her other hand going to her belly. “Why don’t we make a pact to stop loving men who aren’t good for us, and put all our love into the little one who’ll be arriving soon?” Her smile was tender, and I practically squealed.
“You’re having a boy?! When did you find this out?”
“The other week. I was going to keep it a secret, but you know me, can’t keep my big mouth shut for love nor money.”
I was so excited, I almost stopped the car. “So it’s going to be an Oliver after all,” I said, grinning widely, momentarily forgetting my worries. “I can’t wait to meet him.”
Alexis returned my grin. “Me neither.”
***
Cheers sounded from inside the station, and I frowned curiously as I walked in to find a crowd of officers circling my dad, all congratulating him and patting him on the back. I stepped up to Keira, who was standing by the reception desk, and asked what was going on.
“Your old man just sent Tommy McGregor away for fifteen years. Got him up on racketeering and money-laundering charges.”
“Seriously?” I asked, shocked.
I knew my dad was determined, but at the back of my mind, I’d almost thought McGregor would be his Chinese Democracy, his one unfinished piece of work. My eyes wandered across the station, where I saw Jennings standing in a doorway, arms folded. Her gaze was fixed on my dad, her expression revealing a begrudging sort of respect. I watched as my dad turned in her direction, caught her watching, and gave her a single nod of acknowledgment. She nodded back, then turned and left the room. It was like she’d silently accepted what he’d done for her without the need to exchange words. They’d never be friends, but the feud between them was finally over.
A strange relief hit me as I realised Lee could’ve been caught the same as McGregor if he hadn’t gotten out when he did. And with the man behind bars, Lee and his family could relax, knowing he wasn’t going to try to come into their lives again. Now I just worried for Stu, because truthfully, I wasn’t sure he’d get out after just two years. Sure, of all the brothers, he was probably the most suited to prison. He was the biggest and least sensitive, and he was certainly tough. I couldn’t see many men being brave enough to try to intimidate him. I just hoped he kept to himself and avoided unnecessary trouble.
***
Months went by, and I started to fall into a regular routine. The more time that passed, the less my heart hurt. My life was a series of work, studying for my sergeant’s exam (yes, Jennings finally decided to approve my application!) and helping Alexis in the final stages of her pregnancy. We planned for either me or her dad to drive her to the hospital, depending on whoever was available.
I was on the late shift, just about to take a break, when I pulled out my phone to check if I had any missed calls. Glancing at the screen and seeing Lee’s name caused everything inside of me to spiral out of control. Every painful feeling of heartache returned in an instant, just from looking at his name. Before I could delve too deeply into what that meant, my phone started ringing again.
With a shaking hand I answered it, lifting the phone to my ear, my voice scratchy. “Uh, hello?”
“Karla, thank fuck. Listen, you need to get yourself down the hospital. Alexis has gone into labour,” he told me urgently.
All at once my heart did a somersault, half in panic, half in excitement. I hadn’t been expecting this, because she wasn’t due for at least another ten days. The baby was coming early. “What…uh, I mean, why are you calling?”
“She couldn’t get through to you and her dad’s at work. She called me to drive her to the hospital.”
I was already on the move, mouthing the words “Alexis” and “Baby” at Tony, so he knew where I was going. He nodded and motioned for me to run. I knew he’d cover for me until I could get back.
“Okay, well, I’m on my way. I’ll be there in a few minutes,” I said, then heard someone moaning in the background, and it wasn’t a moan of pleasure. “Are you in the delivery room?” I asked with a jolt.
Lee’s voice held a hint of humour, but mostly he sounded stressed. “She won’t let me leave until you get here, and I’d appreciate it if you hurried, because she’s doing a good job of cutting off the blood supply to my hand right now.”
I laughed, a high-pitched, airy sound, as I slid into a patrol car and put my foot on the gas. I even turned on the sirens, and Lee chuckled when he heard them. “Such a little rule-breaker.”
I smirked at his comment and hung up the phone. I was on an adrenaline rush, not only because the baby was coming, but also because I hadn’t spoken to Lee in months, and his voice alone had the ability to excite me.
When I arrived at the hospital, I rushed through the corridors, following the signs for the maternity ward. The place was like a maze, and it felt like it took forever for me to find the delivery room. Still in my full police uniform, I burst inside, all eyes turning to me as I stood there, breathless.
“I’m here,” I announced dumbly, seeing Lee standing next to Alexis, who sure enough was gripping his hand like her life depended on it. Her face was red and sweaty, but it was etched with relief when she saw me, and she finally let go of Lee. He walked toward me, his eyes drinking me in like he hadn’t seen me in years. Levelling his palms on my shoulders, he whispered, “Take care o
f her,” and then he was gone.
I hurried to my best friend’s side, lifted the hand Lee had just been holding, and began taking deep breaths right alongside her.
Twenty-One
Oliver was born at 6:12 a.m. He was ten days premature, had a tuft of blond hair, and weighed just under six and a half pounds. Both mother and baby were healthy and sleeping when I quietly left the room, feeling exhausted but happy. Finding the ladies’, I splashed some water on my face, washed my hands, and did my best to fix my hair.
I planned to go home and take a shower, get some sleep, then collect some things to bring back for Alexis. When I stepped out and went to check on her one last time, I saw Lee sitting on a chair in the corridor. The empty space between us felt vast, though in reality it was nothing. I wanted to bridge the gap and run away all at the same time.
“You’re still here,” I said, standing before him.
He looked up, his eyes tired, and smiled. “I was waiting for you.”
“Did you hear the news?”
Lee nodded. “Just spoke to one of the nurses. Healthy baby boy. I’m made up for her.”
Not knowing why, I sat down beside him, staring at the wall in front of us like it held the answers to questions I hadn’t asked yet. “It was so scary, being in there with her, not knowing how everything was going to turn out.” I didn’t voice the fact that it was also kind of sad, because I knew I’d never experience that for myself, would never get to hold my own baby in my arms. But I could hold hers, watch him grow up, and that was enough. It would have to be.
Lee shot me a look of compassion, like he sensed what I was thinking. He was one of the few people who knew I couldn’t have children, and I remembered his words from months ago.
We’re stronger in the places that we’ve been broken.
Our time together had broken parts of both of us, but were we stronger there now? Was there a patch of soil within us, with the capability of growing something new? I didn’t know.
A silence fell between us, and I wasn’t sure how to act around him. Since we hadn’t seen each other in so long, there was a tension, like we were strangers again, but not. I watched as he laced his fingers together, staring at the work-roughened skin and trying not to succumb to the memory of how it used to feel when he touched me.
“How’ve you been?” he asked, breaking the quiet.
I slid my gaze to his. “Good. I’ve been keeping busy. Got my sergeant’s exam coming up next week.”
His eyebrows rose as he teased, “Sergeant, eh, moving up in the world, are we?”
“Something like that.”
“Well, I think it’s great. The more people like you they have in the police, the better.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “What? Constables who use their sirens so they can skip traffic and get to the hospital in time for their best friend to give birth?”
Lee laughed softly. “Yeah, pretty much.”
I smiled back at him, and the eye contact did something strange to my stomach. All at once I was aware of the shape of his lips and the way his hair had grown longer. He used to keep it clipped close to his skull, but now there was more length on top. His expression turned intense, and I cleared my throat to break the tension.
“So, what about you? What’ve you been up to?”
“Quite a bit, actually.”
“Yeah?”
He paused, like he was hesitant to tell me. “Yeah, I’m, eh, I’m setting up a new business.”
“Oh.”
His eyes narrowed. “Not like that. A legitimate business. I’m opening a restaurant.”
Gaping at him, I couldn’t have been more surprised if he told me he was opening up his own beanbag emporium. “That’s amazing news. What are you calling it?”
“Grub Hut. You should stop by sometime. We’re not opening for another few weeks, but I’m there most days doing prep.”
I nodded, smiling again. “I like the name. So you took Alexis’ advice in the end. Remember she said you should open a restaurant? It makes sense. Your food is amazing.”
“Well, I’m still learning. I’ve hired a team of experienced cooks to help run the kitchen, though, so I won’t be on my own.”
“What about the garage?”
“Sold it. It felt too strange staying there with everything that’s happened. A fresh start is what we all needed.”
I exhaled, and a foreign sensation came over me. After a moment, I realised what it was. He was going straight, and I was proud of him. Softening my voice, I asked, “How’s Stu coping? Have you been to visit him?”
At this Lee’s expression darkened. “He’s coping, but it’s hard inside, especially when you come in strong, with a reputation to uphold. It’s…challenging, but he’ll get there.”
My stomach churned, reminding me of my guilt. I’d had a hand in Stu being behind bars, so I couldn’t help feeling remorseful.
“Well, he’s got a lot of people waiting for him on the outside. Just keep reminding him of that and it’ll see him through.”
“Yeah,” said Lee. “I hope so.” Turning his body slightly, his eyes wandered from the top of my head to my shoulders. I grew self-conscious, wondering why he was studying me so closely.
“You been seeing anyone?” he asked.
I shot him an incredulous look, trying not to smile. “Are you seriously going there?”
“Got a soft spot for ya, Snap. Always have.” He winked, but there was a sadness behind his eyes. We both knew that what he’d felt for me was far more than just a soft spot.
I let out a sigh. “No, I haven’t been seeing anyone. Like I said, I’ve been busy.” I paused, not looking at him when I asked shyly, “Have you?”
I could practically feel him smiling, and when I chanced a glance, I noticed his chest puffing out as he rested his arm along the back of my chair. “No. There’s no lucky lady in my life right now.”
“Oh.”
We shared a moment of eye contact, a fire in his gaze that made me swallow hard. His breath hit my ear when he broke the quiet. “I’m sorry for how I blanked you in court that day. It was a shitty move, but my head was all over the place.”
“I know, and I don’t blame you. You love your family, and a piece of it was torn apart. It’s understandable that I was the last person you wanted to see.”
“Still, I should’ve said something, should’ve tried to explain, but I felt so powerless. I thought I had it all figured out. I could throw myself under the bus and everyone else would be safe, no clue that Stu planned on beating me to it.”
“I think he had to do it, though,” I said. “He needed to be the one to take responsibility this time.”
“Yeah, I get that now.”
A quiet descended, and I smelled Lee’s cologne. The scent provoked memories that I tried to push away.
“So, sergeant, eh?” he said, nudging me with his elbow. “Will you get to wear a new insignia?”
“RW 79, all the way,” I answered, saluting him. “Plus, I’ll get to boss all the constables around. It’ll be ace.”
“Oh, yeah, I can see it now, you shouting orders, all sexy in your uniform,” Lee teased, plucking my tie between his fingers.
I rolled my eyes. “I swear, you must be the only bloke in the world who’s got a thing for this uniform.”
Lee’s eyes sharpened as he continued to grin at me, and then he let my tie drop and stood. “Tell Alexis I said congrats. Oh, and I’ll see you around, Serg.”
“Not sergeant yet,” I called after him as he walked away.
He turned around long enough to reply, “You will be.”
His faith in me stirred my emotions, and I slumped back into my seat, my lungs suddenly too full of air.
The following week, I found an envelope in my cubbyhole at the station. My heart leapt when I recognised the stamp. I’d sat my exam just the other day, and already the results were in. Becoming a sergeant was something I’d wanted for years, and I was nervous to open the le
tter. What if I’d failed? Sure, Jennings and I weren’t mortal enemies anymore, but we weren’t bosom buddies, either. I didn’t want to have to face her smug look that was all, I told you so.
I almost gave myself a paper cut as I anxiously tore open the envelope, unfolded the letter, and let my eyes scan the contents. I’d passed! Without thinking, I emitted a highly unprofessional squeal of delight, fist pumping the air and grinning like a maniac. Excited, I first called Alexis, who was home from the hospital with Oliver. Next I called Reya, who insisted we meet for cocktails once my shift ended that evening.
I changed into some jeans and a silk blouse before I left the station, letting my hair out of its bun and running my fingers through the waves. Applying a small touch of makeup, I thought I looked good and headed to the bar where Reya had told me to meet her. When I arrived, I found her sitting at a table by the window, engrossed in her phone. There were two fresh margaritas in front of her, and I reached forward to take a sip just as she glanced up.
“Hey! Has anyone ever told you that you’re silent like a ninja?” she asked, grinning.
“Oh, many times.”
She rose from her seat and came around to hug me. “Well done! I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks,” I said, and she went to sit back down, glancing at her phone again as she lifted her own margarita.
“Anything interesting?” I asked, arching a brow.
She waved away my intrigue. “Oh, no, it’s just Trevor.”
“Trevor as in Cross?” I gaped at her.
“Yeah, we text every once in a while. I gave him my number when we all went out together that night after my gig.”
“Right,” I replied. “So what do you two talk about?”
“This and that. He’s got this harebrained idea to create a web series following him and a group of his friends who do parkour. You know, capturing their stunts and all that. He was originally going to ask me to be the presenter, but then he decided against it. Apparently, I have the ‘look,’ but I’m not outgoing enough,” she scoffed.
“You’re a singer, you perform on stage all the time. How is that not outgoing?”