by Jan Dockter
“Maybe you could pick up another couple of shifts at your work,” her mom said, acting like this was all somehow Ashe’s fault.
“I’m a student. I don’t have time. I already work full-time on weekends. Any more and I won’t be able to keep up with my classes.”
“Well I can’t make money out of thin air. You know that. If you have to leave school for a while, it may be for the best. You can work for a while, save some money, and when you’re ready you can go back to finish your degree.”
Ashe put her hands on her hips. “So we don’t have the money, or do you just not want to pay it?”
Ashe’s mom stood and tried to give Ashe’s shoulders a reassuring squeeze. The gold bangles on her thin wrist clanked together as Ashe shrugged off her mom’s gesture of apology. Ashe then crossed her arms in front of her chest as a shield against any further attempts at a truce.
“It’s not that I don’t want to,” her mother replied. “But I don’t know if it’s the best thing for you right now. Graduating, I mean. I don’t know if you’ll be able to take care of yourself out there in the real world.”
Ashe was disgusted. Her mom had basically admitted to withholding tuition money just to keep Ashe around longer. She hated being manipulated like that, especially by someone she thought she could trust. Worst of all, her mom didn’t think she was responsible enough to take care of herself after college. Her mom was telling her that she was still a child.
“I’m leaving you and there’s nothing you can do about it!” Ashe shouted. “You never were my parent, not after Dad left anyway, and I’ve always had to look after myself. You’re the one who’s going to be struggling once I leave, not me.”
Ashe’s mom put her hand to her mouth, her eyes wide with shock. Ashe wondered if maybe she had gone too far this time, but her rage told her that she had said what needed saying.
“You know I’m trying as hard as I can,” her mom said. “I can’t do any more.”
Ashe grabbed the papers from the table and stormed upstairs to her room without another word. She would figure this out on her own. She had to. As always, the only one Ashe could trust was herself.
Her mom didn’t try to follow her upstairs, though Ashe had been expecting her to. Arguments in the Linfield house often ended through the slamming of doors.
Ashe crumpled to the floor by her bed and let her tears fall freely. Disappointment wasn’t anything new to her, but that didn’t mean the pain got any easier to bear each time. Usually in times like these Ashe would retreat further into herself, trying to escape from those wanting to do her harm, but today she wanted companionship. She wanted to know she wasn’t alone and that there was someone willing to share a part of the burden, however small. But the only person she was even remotely close to was Peter.
Ashe debated calling him as she wiped the hot tears from her cheeks. She wasn’t looking to spill her heart out to him, but rather to simply ease the feeling of being so alone. However, admitting that she even needed his companionship was a high hurdle for Ashe to leap over.
Finally, she bit the bullet and called him. His phone rang for a long time, and Ashe was about to hang up when his voice finally came on the line.
“Ashe?” he asked.
“Yeah, it’s me,” she replied. Her voice was croaky from crying. “I didn’t see you at school today and I wanted to see if you’re maybe free for that coffee you keep promising to buy me.”
Peter chuckled, though even over the phone Ashe could tell it was half-hearted. Maybe he was sick.
“It’s almost dark,” he replied.
Ashe didn’t know what that had to do with anything. College students drank coffee at all hours of the day and night.
“Dinner, then?” she offered instead. She hoped it didn’t sound like she was asking him out for a date. “I just really need to get out of the house for a while, and I don’t want to be on my own,” she added to clarify.
There was a long silence, but finally Peter said, “Yeah, I’ve got dinner plans later but I can meet you for a little while. Let’s meet at the café by the library. I can be there in half an hour.”
Ashe allowed herself the briefest of smiles as she put down her phone, relieved that Peter wasn’t trying to avoid her after all. He had just been busy. Though the hard part of her heart told her to stay on guard, that she didn’t know Peter well enough to start guessing at his intentions, the almost childish crush she had on him was nudging her to ignore her inhibitions and give him a chance.
She fixed her hair and put on fresh eyeliner before leaving the house. She wished her eyes were not so red from the crying, but there was nothing she could do about that. Her mom was nowhere to be seen as Ashe hurried down the stairs to the front door, so Ashe took the keys from the bowl by the door and tossed them into her bag. She also pocketed a red tube of lipstick that she found rattling in the bottom of the bowl, not yet sure if she wanted to use it or not.
The wind had picked up even harder in the short time Ashe had been inside the house. Dark clouds swirled overhead. She kept expecting rain for days now but the clouds had not broken yet. To most people, such clouds would have seemed like a bad omen, but they did not bother her. They reminded Ashe of Peter’s eyes. If anything, they seemed to be encouraging her, and if she was lucky, that kiss from Peter would soon be hers.
Peter tucked his phone into his coat pocket before throwing it over his shoulders. “I’m going out,” he yelled down into the basement.
“Bring back some blood, will you? I’m starving.” One of his elder sisters, Vanessa, had just left her bedroom and was coming up the stairs toward Peter. She was in a midnight blue bathrobe and slippers, looking as if she had just stepped out of the spa of some five-star hotel, when in fact she had just stepped out of a dark musty wardrobe that was functioning as her bed until the new mattresses arrived. Agatha, a mere couple of decades older than Vanessa, soon joined her from the adjoining room. Both of them had the same long, inky hair and slender figure. Their eyes were bluer than their brother; having been fathered by a different vampire centuries ago.
The older vampires got, the more photosensitive they became. At a couple hundred years, Peter’s sisters were just getting to that age where they preferred to sleep through the day and come out at night. Peter still had a half-century yet before he would need to become nocturnal like them.
Peter tried to ignore Vanessa, not wanting to keep Ashe waiting by going on pointless errands for the family. “There are plenty of bags in the refrigerator. You can drink those until I get more from David. He’s supposed to have the new blood sometime this week.”
His sisters followed him stubbornly as he crossed the hall to the entrance of the house.
“Can’t you meet him earlier?” Agatha whined. “Penelope had some new friends over last night and they drained half the supply.”
Peter sighed. Penelope was the oldest of his three sisters and she had by far the largest appetite for blood. In days long past she used to bathe in it, claiming it preserved a lifelike glow. Peter had always been too polite to point out that Penelope looked just as dead as the rest of them, blood baths or no. He was glad his eldest sister was still sleeping.
“I can’t. I’m going out. If you want more blood you can get it yourself.” Peter escaped out the door before any more words could be said. He could hear his sisters yelling angrily after him through the door.
The sun was just setting, but its last rays were almost entirely obscured by thick clouds. It appeared to Peter as little more than a hazy strip of light over the dark skyline of the city. He thought of Ashe, the feel of her cheek against his palm, and the kiss they nearly shared. He breathed in a deep lungful of the crisp evening air, training them back into movement before he re-entered the world of the living. If his heart could still beat, it would be thudding violently against his ribcage. He didn’t know what he was doing, agreeing to meet Ashe after nearly losing his control once, but she had sounded like she really needed someone right no
w.
The buildings grew taller as Peter got closer to campus. The quad was probably the only patch of green in the entire city, like an oasis in the middle of a concrete desert. Construction had stilled on the new wing of the library; the dean having decided it was too dangerous in wake of the crane accident and postponing it for the summer months when fewer students would be on campus. The whole area was still roped off with yellow caution tape.
Peter skirted the remains of the accident and continued down the street towards the café. Warm light came from the windows and Peter could see Ashe sitting at a small table looking out towards the street. She already had a mug of coffee cradled in her hands. Peter waved as he approached and she smiled back.
Inside the scent of roasting coffee beans overpowered Peter’s sense of smell. He had learned to tolerate the various smells of food and drinks, but sometimes they could still make him sick. Luckily, as a perpetual college student, Peter was used to being around coffee all the time and felt no ill effects. He settled into the chair opposite Ashe.
“Are you going to order something?” Ashe asked him.
Peter shook his head. “If I have coffee now, I won’t be able to sleep.”
Ashe replied, “They’ve got decaf, you know. The cookies are good too.”
Peter shrugged. “Not really in the mood.”
Ashe’s eyes narrowed, almost as if she was suspicious of his answer. Peter had to remind himself that there was no way she could know he was a vampire. He tried to relax. He noticed that Ashe’s eyelids were puffy and the whites of her eyes were tinged with red.
“You’ve been crying,” Peter said leaning over the table and holding his chin in his hand. He would have said anything to get away from the subject of why he wasn’t ordering anything.
Ashe put her hand to her eye as if to wipe away the ghosts of the tears that she had shed. Peter wondered if maybe he had said the wrong thing.
“It’s nothing, just family crap,” she said. “I don’t want to bore you with the history of my dysfunctional relationship with my mom.”
Peter reassured her, “I don’t mind listening if you feel like talking. I’m no stranger to family problems.”
Ashe’s eyes glistened with fresh tears and Peter reached his hand out to grasp hers on the table.
“For example,” Peter started. “My father. He sleeps all day and leaves most of the day-to-day responsibilities to me. It’s only when it comes to the big decisions that he’s suddenly back in charge.” Ashe didn’t need to know that his father slept during the day due to necessity of his vampiric condition.
“At least you have a father,” Ashe said. “At least he stays even if he’s not all that involved. Mine left me when I was thirteen. No explanation, no forwarding address, just an empty closet and my mother sobbing on the bedroom floor.”
“I’m so sorry,” Peter said. He squeezed her fingers tight in his.
A tear bubbled on Ashe’s lower eyelashes. Peter wanted to wipe it away for her but restrained himself.
“He was a good father, too.” Ashe said quietly, her voice cracking. “I maybe could have understood if he and my mom had fought a lot, or if he had some vice like drinking or gambling that had clouded his judgment and caused him to abandon his family. But he was always there for us, up until the day he wasn’t.”
Ashe’s tears tumbled down her cheeks as Peter watched her, unsure of what to do. Ashe continued to talk. “You know, I think he left us for something better. Why else would he have left without any clues? My mom’s nothing special and I sure as hell wasn’t enough to keep him around. My mom always reminds me how they’d wanted a son and then I came along like a slap in the face. My dad was a businessman and he wanted me to follow in his footsteps. But all I wanted to do was read books and play music. Maybe if I’d been a better daughter he wouldn’t have left.”
“This isn’t on you,” Peter said. “I’m sure your dad loved you and still does wherever he is. Sometimes people leave, but it’s not your fault.” His heart felt heavy with the weight of her words. He had no idea how much pain there really was inside of her. He wanted to give her a reassuring hug, but the café table was in the way.
Ashe wiped the tears from her eyes with the corner of a napkin. “Thank you,” was all she said, in a voice close to a whisper.
Peter thought she looked stunning, even with her eyeliner smudged from the crying. The bright rock music playing over the café speakers seemed at odds with the entire scene. He wanted to be someplace else, alone with Ashe.
Ashe took a few uneasy gulps from her mug, draining it. When she set it back down it clattered against the table. Peter could see her hands were shaking.
“You want to see a picture of him?” Ashe asked suddenly. “It’s stupid, but I still keep one with me. I keep thinking that if I ever see him again I’ll shove the picture in his face and demand that he give answers to why he left his thirteen-year-old daughter all those years ago.”
She rummaged in her bag for a while before pulling out a photograph, which was folded in half. The deep wear on the crease made it obvious that she had opened the photo to look at on more than a few occasions.
Peter took the photo from her and his jaw dropped. To the right of the smiling young girl with auburn hair and light eyes was a man Peter recognized all too well. He was David, the vampire who supplied blood to Peter’s clan. There was no mistaking the curly hair turning grey at the temples, nor the square jaw and good-humored smile.
Peter tried to mask his surprise with a neutral expression so that Ashe wouldn’t notice it. He couldn’t have Ashe finding out that her father was a vampire, or that he had just moved into the same town she went to college in. But if he had run out on them almost a decade ago, why was he back now? Had he assumed his family wouldn’t recognize him, or that they had moved elsewhere in the time he had been gone? Peter felt a pang of worry in his gut. David was playing a dangerous game.
“Hey, let’s go somewhere more quiet,” Peter said suddenly, handing the photograph back to Ashe.
She took it back and tucked it into the side pocket of her bag. “The roof’s locked,” Ashe replied, her voice still lacking the bite it usually had.
Peter tried to smile to lighten the mood, though his facial muscles felt like they were straining against an impossible weight. He would need time to process everything that had just come to light. “The roof’s not the only quiet place on campus. Let me show you where I like to go and think.”
Ashe nodded and the two of them left the warm café for the quickly darkening street. The wind howled through the gaps between buildings, but Peter was not bothered by the cold and Ashe did not seem phased by it either, though she clutched his arm in hers as they walked. Peter imagined he could feel her body’s heat even through the layers of fabric between them. A low rumble growled in his stomach. In spite of everything, he was starting to feel hungry.
The college had a small plot behind the cathedral dedicated to the founders of the school and his family. This is where Peter wanted to take Ashe, not as some strange nod to his vampiric secret, but rather because he knew Ashe liked old things and might be able to appreciate the cemetery as he did. While Peter was unable to enter the cathedral itself, he had no problem haunting the graveyard. After all, he was one of the dead, and he felt a strange sense of calm among the stark gravestones and memorials to people from a long-ago era. Many of the gravestones showed birth dates after Peter’s. It made him feel both old and important, as he was one of the few who had personally witnessed over a hundred-year’s history and still existed to recall it.
“Isn’t it a bit, well, morbid?” Ashe said as they entered the cemetery grounds.
Peter shrugged his shoulders. “It’s quiet, and no one ever bothers me here. You might think you’re the only one who gets tired of all the people around you, but sometimes I like to be alone too.”
Ashe looked at him as if she were trying to figure him out. Peter hoped she wouldn’t try too hard, as there was a
lot he could never tell her. He almost wished he could reveal his true nature to her, but no good ever came of vampires getting too invested in the human world.
She suddenly pulled Peter close, wrapping her arms around his waist and pushing her head to his chest. He hoped she wouldn't notice his lack of heartbeat, or the way his dry lungs fluttered awkwardly in his chest.
“Thank you,” she said, for the second time. Peter hugged her close, an instinctive reaction he had no time to fight. He could smell the clean shampoo scent of her hair, but below that was the unmistakable trace of blood.
“You’re the only one who has ever really paid attention to me, who listens when I talk rather than just waiting to tell me I’m wrong.”
Peter was starting to feel a little light-headed. He had to force his breaths out. He gently nudged Ashe away from him, instead holding her at arm’s length. He didn’t want to outright reject her, but he didn’t think he could hold on to his control either. A war raged inside him between compassion and hunger. Images flashed in his mind of his teeth against her throat and her soft moans as he drank the life from her. He pushed the thoughts from his head.
“If you ever need to talk to someone, I’m here,” he said. He barely knew what he was saying. All he could think of was the redness of Ashe’s lips and how soft they might feel against his.
As if reading his thoughts, Ashe grabbed the collar of Peter’s coat and pulled him down for a kiss. Peter just barely managed to summon up the willpower to stop her, his hands taking hers from his coat and holding her a safe distance away.
“I can’t,” he said, though more than anything he wanted to. Ashe had a look on her face like she had expected the rejection. He wanted to tell her his feelings, but it was too dangerous to lead her on. She would only tempt him further if she thought she had a chance. Especially after everything she had told him about her father, Peter did not want to be responsible for breaking her heart when his secret finally came to light. He knew he could not hide his dark urges forever. It was better for the two of them to remain just friends if he wanted to keep Ashe safe.