by Janey Fraser
‘Do you know why Pongo had a kink in his tail?’ she repeated.
Still no answer. Danny had fallen asleep again. Nancy felt a sickening realisation. His earlier chit-chat about cornflakes and dogs with kinks in their tails had fooled her into thinking that he was getting better. But he wasn’t. He was sleeping more and more. As she watched his chest rise and fall so slightly that she had to rest her hand on his body to feel it, fear encompassed her, and a line of sweat trickled down her back.
What would they do if, one day, he simply didn’t wake up?
Chapter 36
BY THE END of the week, they had fallen into a routine that made Nancy feel they had always lived this way. It struck her that she had led a very privileged and lucky life until now, not thinking what it was like for families with sick children, living in a sterile environment often far from home, while hanging on to every thread of hope that was offered to them. And now she was one of them.
Their days were all much the same. She would sleep by Danny’s bed at night and Sam, who had been given compassionate leave from work, would arrive in the morning after getting the train in from Hazelwood. It would have been much easier if Danny had been at the big local hospital, but the consultant had explained that he was better off here in this specialist London teaching hospital.
Danny would doze on and off during the day, the hours punctuated with breakfast, lunch and supper, most of which he rejected, saying he wasn’t hungry. The consultant would arrive once a day, sometimes with a small gathering of medical students. Nancy didn’t like this, but appreciated that if it helped them enlarge their experience, she could hardly say no.
In the afternoon they were allowed visitors. Patricia came up nearly every day, but it was a different Patricia from the one Nancy had known before. This one was humble, suggesting, instead of insisting, that Nancy might like to have a break in the canteen with Sam while she sat with Danny.
Brigid had come up – so kind – and also Annie, along with their kids. The nurses had given permission, since no one on the ward had anything contagious. She hadn’t even thought of that, Nancy realised. It proved how far she had come in her efforts to be less fussy and panicky. How ironic that she should only calm down now there really was something to worry about.
‘We’ve brought some sparklers,’ hissed Brigid, patting her sequinned cross-shoulder bag in a conspiratorial manner. ‘Do you think the nurses would let us light them on the balcony outside? It might make up for Danny missing the sparkler tea party at Puddleducks. Do you like my teeth, by the way? Look, no braces! I’ve always wanted straight gnashers and now I’ve got them. It’s part of the new me. By the way, Nance, all this is going to make you stronger, even though you might not believe it yet.’
Amazingly, one of the junior nurses had said that they could light the sparklers on the balcony, just for a few minutes. ‘Cool,’ breathed Danny as they wheeled him out in his chair to take part. Some of the other children on the ward whose parents Nancy had bonded with, especially during the night watches, also came out in their pyjamas and dressing gowns.
‘Wow,’ whispered one small girl without any hair, whose father held a sparkler for her as she didn’t have the strength to do it herself.
Everyone, thought Nancy, after her friends had gone, had been very thoughtful, including Mrs Merryfield, who had sent a card. Apparently Puddleducks was arranging a parent-and-child disco to raise money for the aplastic anaemia charity. ‘We all wanted to do something to help,’ Annie had said, giving her a big warm hug that had brought a lump to her throat.
And then, about a week after they’d been here, her mother arrived. Nancy heard her before seeing her.
‘What do you mean, visiting hours are almost over? I’ve flown in all the way from the United States of America and I am not, do you hear, not going to be turned away. My grandson is very seriously ill.’
Sam, who was there at the time, flashed Nancy a wry smile, the first since all this had started. ‘Sounds like she’s going to be more than a match for my mother,’ he whispered.
‘What’s funny, Mummy?’ said Danny, looking slightly brighter. Was it her imagination or did he have more colour in his face today? ‘Why are you laughing, Daddy?’
Sam stopped abruptly. ‘It’s good to laugh, poppet.’
‘Yes, but you don’t usually . . .’
‘There he is!’
A large shape in a violet velvet cape carrying a huge tapestry knitting bag over her arm, out of which was poking a book called The Meaning of Now, advanced towards them. ‘There’s my Danny. Look what Grandma has brought you!’
Nancy watched speechless as her mother pulled a giant teddy wearing a Stars and Stripes outfit out of the bag. ‘He’s going to make you feel much, much better. Now let me give your poor momma a hug. Goodness dear, you’ve changed your hair. You look quite pretty!’
She glanced at Sam as though he was something that one of her cats had brought in. ‘I see that you’ve managed to get back from wherever you were.’
Another voice, almost as loud as her mother’s but crisper and more formal, cut in. ‘Actually, my son was away working in order to provide for his family. It’s Christabel, isn’t it? My name is Patricia.’ As if on cue, Sam’s mother materialised beside them.
Nancy’s mother took Patricia’s hand and pumped it furiously. ‘Nice to meet you, Patty. I had hoped we would have met up at the wedding but there you are. If these young people hadn’t gone and done it their way on the quiet, we might have had a good family occasion.’
Nancy shot Sam a warning look which she hoped he would interpret correctly as ‘Remember she doesn’t know we’re not actually married.’
‘But they’re not . . .’ began Patricia until Sam nudged her. ‘I mean, they had hoped to introduce us at some point.’ Her voice quietened as she looked down at Danny, who had snuggled up with American Ted under one arm and British Ted under the other before going back to sleep again. ‘If you don’t mind me saying so, it’s such a shame that we’re meeting in such an unfortunate situation. And by the way, it’s Patricia. Not Patty. And Danny’s already got a new bear. From me.’
‘Is that so?’
Oh dear. It might have been a year since Nancy had last seen her mother, but she could still read the ‘prepare for battle’ signs.
‘I know we don’t know each other very well yet, Patricia, but I wonder if you’d like to borrow this wonderful book I’m reading. It’s all about letting go of anger and the past.’
‘How very kind of you, Christabel. As you say, we don’t know each other yet but since we’re almost related, I’m sure you won’t take offence if I give you the name of my colonic irritation specialist.’
Patricia cast a pitying look at Nancy’s mother’s ample silhouette. ‘He does wonders in reducing one’s waistline. All my friends say so.’
Christabel’s face, which had been crestfallen until the last sentence, suddenly beamed. ‘How lovely of you, Patty, to count me as one of your friends. I know we’ve only just met but already I’m beginning to feel we’ve known each other for ever. Don’t you agree?’
Chapter 37
BY THE END of the second week in November, it was clear that Danny wasn’t improving, despite having had an increase in his medication. That change of colouring which Nancy thought she had noticed had reverted to a deathly white.
‘The next step,’ said the consultant, who spoke in a tone that made Nancy feel everything was going to be all right, despite the statistics he had just run through, ‘is to find a bone marrow match. I’m afraid that yours and your husband’s aren’t suitable.’
Nancy started up out of her chair. Sam, while squeezing her hand, began to stammer, something she had never heard him do before. ‘But we’re his parents. Why aren’t we suitable?’
The consultant nodded solemnly as though he understood Sam’s disbelief. ‘In my experience, the best matches come from siblings, although even then there’s just no guarantee it will work. However,
since Danny doesn’t have any brothers or sisters, we need to spread the net. I believe that both your mothers have offered to be tested, but it is also possible for unrelated donors to be a match. This is known as MUD BMT which stands for Matched Unrelated Donor Bone Marrow Trans plant. We have a wide network of willing donors, and my staff are currently trying to find a possible pairing.’
They were talking to the consultant in the side room while nearby their respective mothers were sitting on either side of their grandson’s bed, vying for his attention. Usually this provided some sort of light relief for Nancy and Sam, but now, as they left the consultant, Nancy ignored the competing grannies and felt her anger rising. ‘I told you we should have had another baby. I kept saying it wasn’t right for Danny to be an only child. But oh no. You wouldn’t have it, would you? You hadn’t even wanted Danny. In fact, you even suggested that I had an abortion.’
‘Stop!’ Sam was white-faced as he tried to put his arms around her. Neatly, she sidestepped away.
‘I was wrong, Nancy. Do you hear me? OK, so I hadn’t felt ready for fatherhood when you got pregnant, but nor do lots of men. I love our little boy.’ His eyes were wet with tears. ‘If anything happens to him, I don’t know how I’ll cope. I really don’t.’
She stood away from him, not wanting to be any closer than she had to be. ‘If anything happens to Danny,’ she said quietly, ‘we’re finished. Do you hear that? Finished. Now why don’t you get back to your precious mother? I’m going outside to get some air.’
Shaking, Nancy took the lift down to the main reception and almost collided with a couple coming in.
‘Mrs Wright! I mean Mrs Carter Wright.’
Nancy wiped away the tears from her eyes as she took in Gemma Merryfield and, gracious, Mr Balls, the head of Reception.
‘I do hope this is still convenient,’ said Gemma, unobtrusively handing her a tissue which appeared as though by magic from the young woman’s handbag. ‘We can go away if you like.’
Too late, Nancy remembered that Gemma had texted to see if she and Mr Balls could visit as representatives from Puddleducks and the school. ‘Of course.’ She blew her nose on the tissue. ‘I’ve just come down to get some air, that’s all. But do go up. My husband is on the ward and also my mother and his mother.’
Gemma seemed to hesitate. ‘Maybe it might be best if we came back another time, when Danny doesn’t have so many visitors.’
‘No, really, it’s fine.’ It would probably help to lessen the tension around Danny’s bed, thought Nancy. ‘I’ll be up shortly. I just need a break.’
Joe gave her a kind, caring look; the sort, she thought bitterly, that her own husband ought to give her. ‘Why don’t I get you a cup of coffee over the road? We can catch up with Gemma in a few minutes.’
‘Actually, Joe, I’ll stay with Mrs Carter Wright.’
‘No. Please.’ Why did everyone have to argue about the slightest thing? ‘You go up, Mrs Merryfield. I just know that Danny would love to see you, and you’ll be able to meet my husband too.’
Chapter 38
I CAN’T DO this, thought Gemma, waiting in reception for the lift, her chest thumping with fear. I can’t go into a hospital ward where a grief-stricken father is sitting by his son and say, ‘Hey! Remember me? We were married nearly five years ago and by some crazy coincidence, your kid is now in my class.’
Perhaps, instead, she could hang around for a bit here and then join Nancy and Joe in the coffee shop. She could pretend that Danny had been asleep and that she hadn’t wanted to wake him up. Anything rather than face Sam in a situation like this. Yes. That was what she’d do. OK, it was chickening out, but better that than cause some sort of dramatic upheaval, with dangerously ill children all around.
How ironic, she thought, crossing the road towards the café, that a few months ago she’d have given anything to see Sam again, if only to tidy everything up. Now it was her worst nightmare. What would he say? What would she say? And what would she tell Barry? Even though he’d been very understanding about all this, it would only be natural for him to be jealous.
‘Back already?’ asked Joe, his eyebrows raised questioningly as she walked in and joined them at a corner table by the window.
She nodded, hating herself for her deception.
‘Was Danny asleep?’ asked Nancy with a note of alarm in her voice.
Gemma nodded again.
‘He’s almost always asleep.’ Nancy was standing up now, gathering up her bag. ‘I’m sorry, Joe – may I call you that? – but I need to get back to my son. Was my husband there?’
Gemma felt a knot in her throat. ‘I didn’t see him.’
That was true enough.
‘Then I’d definitely better be getting back. Thanks.’ She looked for a minute as though she was going to hug them both, and then held out her hand instead. It felt cool to Gemma’s touch. ‘I’m really grateful to you both for coming up.’ Her eyes filled with tears. ‘I didn’t expect you all to be so caring. I’m so sorry for fussing earlier when Danny started, and for doubting some of the things you did.’
Gemma couldn’t bear any more of this. ‘Please don’t beat yourself up,’ she said, taking Nancy’s hands in hers. ‘It’s natural for new parents to worry.’
Nancy made a rueful face. ‘Maybe, but I worried about the wrong things, didn’t I? I never thought this would happen.’
Together they watched her leave the café. After a pause, Gemma felt Joe’s gaze on her. To her surprise, he looked concerned instead of his usual critical self, which was surprisingly comforting. It seemed odd to see him in his casual jeans and jacket, away from school. That checked shirt suited him, she couldn’t help noticing. It made his eyes look blue, rather than scary black.
‘I think you might need a strong cup of tea,’ he said gently. ‘I know how much you care for your Puddleducks. This can’t be easy for you.’
She gulped as he poured her a cup from the pot already on the table. Part of her almost wanted to tell Joe that it wasn’t easy because of something he knew nothing about, although she was desperately worried about Danny, of course.
‘If we find it difficult,’ she said, shaking, ‘how must it feel for a real parent?’
Joe made a strange noise and, for a moment, she thought he had choked on his tea. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked and then he looked at her with such pain in his eyes that she realised he wasn’t all right; not at all.
‘Joe,’ she said softly. ‘What’s wrong?’
He started to say something, and then stopped.
‘It’s OK,’ she whispered, taking his hand almost without realising it. ‘You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone.’
She sat and watched him struggle to come to terms with his emotions. Eventually, he raised his head and she could see that his eyes were red. ‘You might be aware,’ said Joe slowly, ‘that I used to work for a major bank.’
Everyone knew that! It was partly why some of the staff were rather in awe of him, and why others thought he wasn’t suited to a classroom.
‘I was married,’ he continued in a voice that sounded unusually deadpan and flat, ‘to a very bright woman. A lawyer. Together we earned a considerable amount of money and had the kind of lifestyle that many would dream of.’
She couldn’t help cutting in. ‘I met her. At the Social.’
Joe nodded and there was a brief flash of humour in his eyes. ‘Of course. How could I forget? Ed has always specialised in making entrances.’
Then his voice went flat again. ‘I wanted children but my wife kept delaying it. She wished to concentrate on her career. By the time we reached our early thirties, I grew impatient and, one night, we had a row about it.’
Gemma was filled with a sudden need to tell him that this was understandable, but before she could say anything, he continued.
‘Don’t get me wrong. I’m not the kind of man to become violent. But when my wife, who is now my ex, told me something during the row, I walked out of the flat an
d never came back.’
Gemma’s mouth went dry. ‘She must have told you something pretty dreadful for you to do that.’
Joe nodded slowly. ‘She did. She told me that four months earlier she had indeed got pregnant, but by mistake.’
Gemma could hardly breathe. ‘With someone else’s child?’
‘No.’ Joe shook his head. ‘In some ways, I wish it had been. It would have been easier. It had been my child. But without telling me, she had had an abortion.’
Tears were now openly rolling down his face. Joe Balls, the super-tough head of Reception, was crying! Poor man. Gemma wanted to weep with him. What a terrible thing for his wife to have done.
‘If she had kept our baby, it would have been Danny’s age by now. That’s why I find it hard to go down to Puddleducks. That’s why the picture of the headmistress’s grandson on her desk makes my chest ache. That’s why, as you’ve implied in the past, I am hard and unfeeling, because I have had to erect a steel wall around my emotions in order to function as a human being.’
But you’re not hard, Gemma wanted to cry. You’re just hurting inside. She almost felt like telling him about what had happened to her, but that wouldn’t have been right. There were some things that had to be kept private.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered. ‘So very, very sorry.’ Then she remembered something. ‘But why did your ex-wife turn up at the Parents’ Social if you’ve split up?’
Joe’s mouth tightened. ‘Because she now wants us to start again. Can you believe that? We divorced within a year of me finding out about . . . about my baby. It made me reassess my life, which is why I threw in my job and turned to teaching. Now she is getting older and most of her friends have children, she likes the idea of a baby.’
‘And she wishes you hadn’t got divorced?’
‘Apparently so. As far as I’m concerned, it’s too late. But Ed is a strong woman. She doesn’t take no for an answer. And maybe, maybe I’ve been too weak with her.’ As he looked at her, she could see raw pain in his eyes. ‘But it isn’t easy to walk away from the past, even when someone has hurt you. You keep thinking that they might change and that somehow you might be able to make it all right again.’