“I know this shit’s been hard, but you’re not even trying to make it better. We can’t change that we’re here, we can’t go back. So today is the last day you do this shit. Hit me, yell at me, fuck me- whatever you have to do to end this.”
I felt my eyes burn and I looked down at the bed, his rough hands wrapping around my ankles as he pulled me towards him, positioning me at the side of the bed with my legs spread around him. Running his hands through my hair as I sat up, he kissed the top of my head and I closed my eyes. He gently stroked me several times before pulling a handful of my hair, forcing my head up to look at him.
“You done with this shit?” he asked.
I grit my teeth but don’t answer.
“Are you?” he asked again, his voice rising.
“No!” I yelled and my voice cracked. I kept repeating, my throat tight with anger and sadness. “No, fucking no, I don’t want to live like this, but I don’t want to face reality.”
Dornan stops my screaming by punishing my lips with a kiss, his hand gripping my chin as he sucked hard on my mouth and tongue, and I bite his lower lip every time he sucked my upper lip. I’m crying and whimpering, but it was because I needed this, I neededhim. With his free hand he grabbed my hands, bringing them to his raging erection, wrapping my fingers around it to feel how hard he was and I grew wet and achy with the thought of it in my mouth and pussy.
“Are you gonna stop this?” he growled against my lips.
I shook my head, just because fighting with him felt good, I wanted him to be rough with me and be Dornan with me. He released my face and pried my hands off him, pushing me back by the shoulders. I bounced on the mattress before settling on my back.
“Fuck you!” I yelled. It felt good to scream and I felt like I was yelling at the gray cloud that had taken over my life.
Dornan smirked as he wrapped his fingers around the base of his dick, his other hand rubbed over the head. He was hot and swollen and fuck he was touching himself, and I wanted that to be my hands. I was so wet now, my juices slicked my inner thighs, as I bent my knees and pressed my legs together. He stopped stroking his cock to pry my legs apart, to yank down my pajama pants, revealing my wet pink panties. Dornan slid his thumb down my clit hard one time, before he returned back to jerking himself off.
“Stop!” I try to yell, but it came out as a moan.
“You said ‘fuck you’...that’s what I’m doing. I’m not fucking you ‘til you stop being fucking ridiculous!”
“Shut up, just shut the fuck up!”
“No, you shut the fuck up-” he growled back.
I sat up and began to beat my fists on his chest, trying to push him away. He takes every punch, and of course barely budged as I released my anger out on him.
“Give me everything you got babe...I love you, I’ll take anything you give me.”
And with that, my anger goes and I began to cry. Slumping against his chest as the tears came, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kept telling me he loved me. I raised my head and began kissing him, this time not so rough. He kissed my lips, then my cheeks, my closed eyes as he removed my shirt. Laying me back onto the bed and slipping my panties off, before crawling over me. I wrapped my arms and legs around him like a vine, holding on so tightly it was a wonder he could even move, but he pivoted his hips and slid his big beautiful cock inside me. I let out a shaky breath and pressed my face into his neck, he moved slowly inside me and whispered into my ear.
“You’re so fucking sad, it’s gutting me. I can’t see you like this anymore, I want you to listen to music and run everyday…I want you to smile again.”
I rested my head on the bed and looked up at him, his eyes were wet and the emotion in his voice was like I’d never heard from him before.
“Everyday I feel so guilty that you’re here, that you did this with me-” I hiccupped.
“I don’t ever regret the decision I made for us, because I get to wake up next you, to fall asleep inside you, fold laundry with you, have dinner with you, share space with you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, ever since I was a kid, was to just be with you. So don’tever think this isn’t the life I wanted.”
I bite my lip before I leaned up and kissed him, my tears fell as the intensity built inside from his hips moving faster. He linked our fingers and brought our joined hands above my head, telling me he loved me as we both come. He rolled us so I was on his chest as the song, “Wild Horses” by the Rolling Stones came on. Dornan let me cry into his chest as he played the song over and over again and I finally talked to him.
After that I felt lighter, freer, like the dark cloud that had been hanging over me is gone. Eventually, we move out of our apartment and get a house, after Dornan gets a steady job working construction and I start work as a secretary at an elementary/ middle school. I wanted to use my degree in accounting, but since I wasn’t Maven anymore and had no degree, I settled. The house is nothing like mine in Plantain but it’s nice, and it’s something we can call our own. I often think about my house, after putting so much hard work into it. Chilly told me that it’s being taken care of by Joey and Missy, which offers some comfort that it wasn’t sold.
Seven months after moving we got a shock, we were pregnant and both of us we’re happier than we had been in a long time. Needless to say I went through a roller coaster of emotions, we’d isolated ourselves, afraid to make close friends. So we spend all of our non-working hours together, which causes us to fight...well, me to fight with him. I yelled at him for leaving his dirty clothes out, for stealing too much of the covers, I even accused him of checking out other women when we were at the grocery store. All of which sent me into tears and apologies, but one thing I always cried about was the fact that we weren’t married. I don’t know why it bothered me so much, it’s not like we by any means lived by the rules of society. Something about not being able to legally marry the man I love, that we would be marrying as two strangers who weren’t named Dornan and Maven, hurt me even more.
Dornan however would always reply, “You belong to me and I belong to you, we’re married in every meaning of the idea. We don’t need a judge or witnesses to tell us you’re my wife.”
Which of course made me cry harder. But in true Dornan fashion, he bought me a silver band to accompany the ruby ring I already wear that he’d given me back in Plantain. He proceeded to get us naked and in bed before slipping the ring onto my finger and vowing his undying love. But he didn’t need to, he killed someone for me and got us here, that’s more than love. Even with the love of this man, I still can’t help but be sad going through pregnancy alone. With no mom, no Missy or Gwen, no baby shower or advice.
At two a.m. on a rainy morning, my water broke. I sat in the front room, rocking in a chair by the window. Timing my contractions before waking Dornan, who needless to say, was in a panic. He rushed around the house making sure we had everything, as I stood calmly by the front door with my overnight bag in hand. My labor and delivery was stressful watching Dornan losing his mind seeing me in pain. On top of not having anyone we knew to lean on, in addition to experiencing the actual pain, was overwhelming. “You’re doing so good,” he kept telling me.
I’d been in labor for thirty-six hours, and was beyond exhausted. The fear was secondary to the need to get the baby out. To see Dornan barely able to look at me due to the pain I was in, to be so connected to me that it was almost as if he felt everything I was going through. He held one of my legs as he kissed my temple and told me, “You’re so strong, you can do this, it’s almost over.”
I bared down and pushed until I couldn’t hold my breath anymore, continuing to push with everything I had. Feeling my lungs burn, and telling myself to hold it just a little longer. Then my body relaxed, and I heard the doctor announce:
“It’s a boy!”
I let out a long breath and rested my head back.
“A boy, you did so good babe, so fucking good.”
Dornan continued to kiss me, and
by the warble of his voice I knew he was crying. Having him with me my entire labor made our relationship even stronger, but not having visitors to see our newborn made my heart hurt. Not being able to even send photos to our friends and family, to not share all the things you go through as new parents with anyone, sent me into tears daily.
Legally their last names were fake to match Dornan’s, but we named them Nolan Sven Fredericksen, who was born in August. While Wyatt Owen Fredericksen was born thirteen months later in September. Even without family, both boys helped me even more from breaking through the depression, and reaffirmed that Dornan and I had done the right thing by running.
Now they’re two and three. We never talk to the boys about family, and they are young enough not to know about grandparents and aunts and uncles. But soon they will be in school, and I don’t know what to do if they ask me about those types of things. We don’t want to tell them that they don’t have any, the thought of one day being able to go back home is the reasoning behind that.
But not a day goes by that I don’t think about my parents, having kids of my own put in perspective everything about my life until this point. The thought that my mom pleaded for her life because of me, how I would do the same now as a mom. How I resented my dad for getting me involved in the club, but because of his actions he led me to Dornan. Not saying that he and I wouldn’t have eventually ended up together, but still. The regret that I had about the way I felt about my dad while he was in jail eats me up, but I only hope that in his last moments he knew I really did love him, more than anything. It isn’t that I hated him, I hated what he’d done and that he’d put the club before himself and lost years with me in return. But now, Dornan and I have done the same, sacrificed relationships for the safety of others.
It’s Saturday morning and it’s my thirtieth birthday, I can hear Dornan and the boys downstairs in the kitchen. He’s a great dad, but still learning to not get irritated with the little things.
“Wyatt, stop putting your hand in there,” he says. “Nolan, give that back to your brother!”
I smile to myself picturing the scene, imagining Dornan collecting himself as both boys begin to scream at each other. Quietly, I sneak into the master bedroom’s en-suite bathroom and jump in the shower, taking solace in the calm before the toddlers. I barely get a towel around me when Nolan comes bursting in the bathroom, his mouth rimmed with some brown substance.
“Mommy!” he smiles as I bend to kiss his head.
“I said leave Mommy alone, she will be out in a minute.”
Dornan appears in the doorway carrying Wyatt, followed by Bagheera.
“Sorry,” he says while trying to get Nolan out of the bathroom.
“It’s okay, I’m done anyway.”
Dornan stops and looks at my body from toes to the top of my head and everything in between, his eyes smoldering. He growls deep in his throat as he leans over to kiss me, Nolan runs out of there as Wyatt squirms and Dornan lets him down before he takes off too. Now with free hands, Dornan cups my ass and pushes our pelvises together, I bite his lower lip and groan as I feel his erection pushing through the denim of his jeans. With having no friends, we rarely ever go out and don’t have anyone we trust to watch the kids, so we have to take advantage of alone time.
“I’m going to make you come thirty times tonight,” he says against my lips.
I roll my eyes, not that I don’t think he can, but more due to the fact that a night never went by without one or both of the kids coming into our room for something, doesn’t allow much time for that. A loud pop jerks us apart as Wyatt starts crying. We enter the bedroom and I see balloons and chocolate chip pancakes sitting on the bed, Nolan holding a deflated balloon.
“I sorry Daddy.”
Dornan scoops him up, “It’s okay buddy.”
“Did you eat the chocolate chips?” I ask Wyatt as I pick him up and tickle his stomach, causing him to giggle.
“Happy birthday babe,” Dornan says.
“Happy Birthday Momma!” Both the boys shout.
“Open your prizes,” Wyatt says pointing to a gift that the boys obviously helped wrap.
“Presents,” Dornan corrects as I reach over and grab it, setting Wyatt onto the bed. I tear open the wrapping to see two small hand prints set in plaster with the boy’s names carved underneath.
“Aw...oh my God, I love it!” My eyes water as I kiss both the boys then my husband.
Later in the afternoon I go out for a run, and on my way home I receive a text from Dornan asking how much longer I’m going to be, figuring the boys’ are driving him up the wall. I don’t respond since I’m only two blocks from home, but my trot slows to a stop when I see a black SUV sitting in the driveway and my heart begins to pound. Fuck, we’ve been found out. I enter the house expecting to see Justice there with cuffs to arrest me and Dornan in front of our kids. But when I enter through the back door, both boys are sitting at the kitchen table coloring, and Bagheera lying down between the two chairs. Due to his lack of alert makes me wonder even more who’s at my house. I kiss the top of the boys’ heads and ask, “Where’s Daddy?”
“In there,” Nolan answers not looking at me but pointing down the hallway.
I head for the front room, my pulse pounds, and my hands shake as I take a long breath and walk to the entryway. Dornan’s sitting with his legs spread wide, his elbows rest on his knees, running a hand along his mouth. He sees me and sits up, I walk further into the room and see, Milton. He looks older now but still very much like a cop.
“Hi Maven,” he says and I look between the two men.
“What’s going on?” I ask as Dornan reaches out a hand for me to come to him.
“He has something to tell you,” Dornan says.
I sit down beside him and grasp his hand with both of mine, I can’t tell by his expression if this is good or bad. But since seeing me, his posture’s become more relaxed.
“I don’t know how to say this without just saying it...your dad isn’t dead.”
My throat tightens, my pulse jumping.
“What do you mean?” I can barely get out.
“He made a deal with the Feds to snitch on Judas. He had years of intel from their dealings together and what no one knew was Judas was present at your mom’s murder. Not even Sven knew and how your dad knew-we have no idea, Judas didn’t even know your dad was aware. But ever since he did find out, your dad decided to get close to Judas and document all the deals and the inner workings of The Children of the Reaper. Justice didn’t think the government should settle for just one President, he thought he could get all the club Presidents. That’s why he went after you, but when you ran, the Feds knew they couldn’t blow an informant like your dad, someone they knew for certain would get them a President. Your dad decided it was time to divulge this information when Justice told him they were coming for you, he became a rat to save you. In return for his information he made a deal that he would remain in witness protection and that no one could go after you or the Warrior of the Gods when they finally brought Judas to trial...and that day has come.”
I hear the words, but I can’t believe them. This must’ve been what Dad meant when he told me all those years ago, that someone was going to try and talk to me but to not talk. That he had a deal he was working on.
“So what does all this mean for us?” Dornan asks.
“It means...you can go back home, you can go home as Maven and Dornan.”
A giggle sob burst from my lips as I cover my mouth with my hands, my eyes become watery with tears. Looking over at Dornan, he too has a huge grin on his face, tears in his eyes. I throw myself towards him and our arms wrap tight around one another. We’re going home, home! Back to a life I thought I hated but now want nothing more than to be a part of.
This brings us to current day. I’m sitting in Wyatt’s room, at his small desk writing a letter to my dad. We’ve been home for months now and I finally came to terms with what my dad sacrificed for us, knowin
g he took away probably any chance to ever see us again. The trial against Judas has started, and my father’s deposition and testimony was apparently doing what my father had intended, and it looks like Judas will be going to prison for a long time. I went to court the days my father was testifying, although no one was allowed in the courtroom other than lawyers, the judge, and the jury. Still I hoped to get a peek of him to and from the courthouse, unfortunately that didn’t happen since when the van arrived transporting him, went straight down to the underground entrance. Knowing he was there though, alive, and maybe he could see me in the small crowd grouped in with the media, gave me the gratification of being there.
I’ve been thinking about what to write him for a while now, ever since I heard of what he’d done. How do you tell the man who raised you how much you love him in words? How much you appreciate what he did so you can have a family that he might never know?
But today is a monumental day for me. I’m about to become Mrs. Maven Frederickson officially this afternoon in our backyard. Something’s shifting in me today, not as if I don’t feel the connection to Dornan and our children already, but it’s going through the transition of being someone’s wife. There’s something in the tradition of father handing daughter over to husband, little girl becoming a woman. Today though, my sons will be walking me down the aisle towards their dad. I wrestled with the idea of asking Sven, but something didn’t feel right about it knowing my dad is alive. Sven knew of my dilemma, and told me he was honored to even be considered for such a task. But suggested the boys, and I finally agreed.
The day we came back to Plantain was emotional and bittersweet in a sense. Finally coming home for Dornan and me, meant a new place filled with family they didn’t even know existed for the boys. I guess since we hadn’t formed any strong ties in Alaska made it somewhat easier for them, but having to give them an entire family tree and names of our friends and their kids, just seemed too much for them to comprehend.
Everyone was waiting for us outside our house, and all the worry about coming back was discarded once we stepped from the car and were immediately embraced by Missy and Sven. Who aside from looking a little older, and Sven looking a little weaker from the stroke, it was like no time had passed. Missy burst into tears when she hugged Dornan, kissing his cheeks and cupping his face to get a good look at her baby boy. When we stepped back, the boys at our sides looked up at two strangers, only for a moment did they hesitate before both raised their arms and greeted their grandparents. This sent Missy into a set of fresh tears, my eyes watered too and even Sven wasn’t lacking a little wetness in his eyes. Dornan and I then moved towards our friends to allow his parents and the boys some alone time. Katie practically jumped into my arms as Joey and Dornan hugged, slapping one another’s backs. Smokey and Emily had two more kids since we’d been gone and when I saw Drag standing off to the side, something about him caused me to walk to him when I had always avoided him like the plague.
Running with the Devil: Plantain Series Book One Page 22