Confessions of Three Gay Boys: Journal One

by A. V. Zeppa

  Mmm . . . I think we need to play Truth or Dare tonight.

  Chris

  Jayden just handed me the journal. I really don’t feel like writing right now, so this will be brief. I’m just glad that Jamie is safe and with people who love him. I know his parents still love him, but they are being blinded by their preconceived idea of what normal is.

  Sadly, many straight people think gay people are mis-wired sex starved deviants. That we are the worst kind of anomaly known to mankind. Hating is the easiest thing to do because it comforts their fear. I will do everything in my power to make sure Jamie knows he is loved.

  Blood brothers to the end, that’s what we are.

  JOURNAL ENTRY 26

  Friday morning

  Chris

  Just got home from a night of partying and I’m dead to the world. Fortunately I don’t have to go to school today, so I can sleep the afternoon away before I head over to Jayden’s. He is having a small get together for Jamie tonight so we can finally meet Leo.

  Cruising the runway yesterday was a magical experience. Once again we owned it. My mother’s new designs were the hit of the show. They were immediately picked up by seven high end companies with headquarters in New York City, London, Paris, Rome, Hong Kong, and Tokyo.

  Jayden, Jamie, and I had created a continual buzz all day. Teen Vogue and Project Runway Magazine informed us that we are going to be on their next covers, and we did an impromptu photo shoot for the Daily Front Row, the most important industry magazine. My mother was so proud of us. She paid special attention to Jamie knowing the emotional strain he has been under. We had a lot of fun.

  Time to get some sleep.

  JOURNAL ENTRY 27

  Friday morning

  Jamie

  Chris has the journal at the moment, so I’m writing this entry on loose leaf. I need to write my thoughts down right now to clear my head, so I’ll just staple this entry in the journal the next time I have it.

  We just got home from another epic Belloni fashion party. Jayden fell asleep in the limo. He looked so cute all snuggled up next to me. When we got home, he sleepily held on to me as we rode the elevator up to his apartment. I just tucked him in bed a few minutes ago, so I’m watching him sleep as I write this.

  He looks adorable. I wish you could see him. He has this angelic quality. Pure innocence. His eyes are fluttering slightly. Very cute. And his breathing is soft and content. He melts my heart. I love him so much, as a friend, and obviously more.

  I’ve often wondered what my life would be like if we were boyfriends. Sadly, that dream is only a dream right now. I’m just happy that we’re best friends. I’m happy to be living with him because he always makes me feel loved, and I really need that right now.

  I wonder if he has ever thought about us being boyfriends. I’d love to crawl in his bed and cuddle. I’d love to make love to him, but we have boyfriends, so . . . as you can see, my emotions are all over the place. I guess I’m just thinking about a lot of stuff.

  I’ve been listening to a song called “Mad World” by Roland Orzabal since I left home. I’m obsessed with it and have listened to it on repeat at least fifty times. The melody is haunting, and the lyrics are exactly what I’ve been thinking lately. It’s comforting to know that someone else feels the same way I do.

  You see, I’m caught in something I don’t understand. I feel lost, I’m sad, I’m an insignificant paradox. I’m trying to work through everything the best I can, but I feel . . . I don’t know what I feel . . . and that makes me want to jump into the universe.

  Jayden and Chris are the only people stopping me from doing it. I’m a mess . . . I know, I’m sleep deprived and just rambling right now, but I’m afraid . . . sorry . . . I need to get out of this self-absorbed mindset before I totally fucking lose it . . .

  Okay. On the up side, the last twenty-four hours were a total fantasy come true. The fashion show was light years beyond perfection. The buzz over the new Belloni clothing lines were like a million decibels loud. Like gravitational waves knocking galaxies off kilter. Chris’s mother really outdid herself this time. I had a blast walking the runway yesterday. It felt really special this time because I realized this performance had become a pivotal marker in my life.

  I’ve been having these nostalgic feelings about a lot of things lately, and I was kind of feeling like maybe this might be my last year doing the runway scene. I was totally in my zone and wanted to leave a lasting impression just in case. I don’t know. Maybe going away to college will end my modeling career. I hope not, but you never know.

  After the show, it became the usual whirlwind of posing and partying. So many industry people came up to Chris, Jayden, and I and congratulated us on our performances. Chris’s mother always reminds us that even when we aren’t on the runway, we still need to behave like professionals. Needless to say, my acting skills are fined tuned in these situations. Unfortunately, we always catch the attention of the older gay guy crowd at these parties.

  It’s weird getting hit on by guys in their thirties and forties. It even got a little twisted at one point when this guy walked up, leaned in, and said, “I think you are beautiful. I’ll pay you five thousand if you’ll let me fuck you.” That was the first time I had been so crassly propositioned, and it scared the shit out of me. I could barely get the “No thanks” out of my mouth as I quickly moved behind Chris and his mother. Fortunately the guy wasn’t persistent and walked away.

  I told Chris and Jayden what happened a couple of minutes later. Chris asked me to point the guy out, then he let the head of security know what happened. Raphael and Carlos found him and escorted him out of the building. That kind of thing is the worst part of modeling.

  The best part of being a model happened a half an hour later. I received a fifty thousand dollar bonus check from Mrs. Belloni. I was humbled by her generosity and kind words as she gave each of us our checks. I love her so much. She has taught me how to be a successful, confident model. I just need to use that confidence in other areas of my life. I am putting that check in my investment account. So are Chris and Jayden. We are savvy investors.

  I think it’s time to get some sleep now. Everything is getting blurry through my yawns. I’m nervous about everyone meeting Leo tonight. I hope Jayden and Chris like him.

  Sleepy time.

  JOURNAL ENTRY 28

  Friday afternoon

  Jayden

  Just woke up. Yawnnn . . . It’s 3pm and I’m not in school. I could get used to this sleeping in thing. What a night last night. We hit three parties after the fashion show and ended up at the Belloni Gallery for the hottest party in Manhattan. Loved it! I’m still glowing.

  Everyone loved us yesterday. Get this, Stella McCartney was there with her father. Yeah, a Beatle was in the front row and I could see him looking at me as I walked the runway. I was really proud of myself for keeping my cool. There had to be three times as many photographers as usual because of Sir Paul. The paparazzi were beside themselves.

  And us? We absolutely killed it out there once again.

  Awe, my beautiful Jamie is still fast asleep. Looking at that gorgeous specimen is not helping me get this woody down. I hate that he is sleeping on that ugly uncomfortable rollaway. I’m gunna have my mother buy a comfy bed for him today. I’d love to crawl next to him and snuggle up. Oh the fantasy I’m having.

  But believe me, it isn’t just a sex fantasy. The feelings I have for him are way more complicated. They run deep. I love him more than anyone will ever know.

  I’m looking at his latest journal entry, which just happens to be right next to him, neatly folded, not stapled. I would love to read it, but . . . I’ll be strong and refrain. I’m writing on loose leaf like Jamie because Chris has the journal. I think everyone is enjoying writing in it. We are constantly grabbing it from each other. I know writing on the computer is way more convenient, but this old fashioned way seems more permanent, more connected to the world, more connected to each other. I
guess it’s hard to explain. I mean, we haven’t even shared what we’ve written yet, but the anticipation is building with each passing day.

  Writing about my life has given me new perspectives about the world, and my place in it. Writing in real-time has given me another way to think things through logically, instead of always having immediate reactions of day to day issues. Hopefully Jamie and Chris are experiencing the same thing.

  So, no time to rest. I have at least a dozen messages to answer and a party to put together for Jamie and Leo. I can’t wait to meet him. I want to make sure Leo is worthy enough to have my guy. I’m very protective and have great instincts about these things. Well, most of the time I do.

  Oh yeah, almost forgot. We have the Columbia University campus tour tomorrow at one. Have to remind Jamie and Chris. Hopefully Chris can spend the night because I want to gossip gossip gossip after everyone leaves. It’s time to wake that blond hunk up, shower, primp, and then get into party mode once again.

  JOURNAL ENTRY 29

  Jamie

  My mother called last night and insisted that I come home. We talked for less than five minutes because the conversation became as intense as the night I left. She started lecturing me, but I cut her off and explained once again that I was gay, have always been gay, and will always be gay.

  She refused to comprehend those simple words and continued to play her game of chess by reiterating that I was just confused and naive about life. Her nasty poetic words flew in multiple directions; such typical syntactical moves on her part. My next move was simply to stay calm. I explained that she was the one who was confused and naive. Then I gave her my terms for returning home. “I would love to come home because I miss you and dad, but before that happens, all three of us need to see a family counselor together to figure this situation out.”

  Well, that really set her off. Forget the moves, she started throwing her chess pieces, saying I was selfish, spoiled, and was the only one who needed therapy. At that point I wished her a pleasant evening and hung up. Fuck her. Fuck my whole family. Checkfuckingmate.

  I turn eighteen next month, so they can’t make me do a fucking thing. I need to transfer some money from my investment accounts to my debit card so I can buy some new clothes, some daily essentials, and pay rent to Jayden’s parents. I don’t want to live off of them. I’m going to start looking for an apartment because Jayden needs his privacy back. He has his own life, and I guess I need to start living mine too. It really sucks when your parents despise you.

  On to more pleasant things. Everyone got to meet Leo last night and I think they approved. I felt sorry for him because they kind of raked him over the coals with question after question. He took it all in stride though and answered every question asked. Jayden’s parents became my surrogate parents for the night and greeted him with open arms. I was happy to see that they approved of him too.

  After everyone left, Jayden, Chris, and I had our usual slumber party and talked about lots of things. It was more Jayden and I doing the talking because Chris was pretty quiet. We asked if he was okay. He said he was trying to work through something. Well, that put Jayden’s mind in hyperdrive. He tried everything in his power to get Chris to spill, but no such luck. He deflected all of Jayden’s tactics, and then changed the subject. He got back on the topic of Leo, saying what a great guy he is and how perfect we seem together. Jayden agreed. It made me happy to know they honestly like him. It was an amazing night that capped off an amazing week.

  Later . . .

  I’m back.

  Jayden, Chris, and I got back from a campus tour of Columbia University a couple of hours ago. You should see this place. So inspiring. I’m definitely applying there. Jayden already has. Chris said he would too only if we applied to the University of Michigan and UCLA. Of course we agreed and then made a pact to go to college together. I can’t wait until that happens. Rooming together will be heaven. I feel less afraid about the future now.

  I felt slightly embarrassed at times as we walked the campus because lots of students were giving our group inquisitive glances. You know, the fishbowl syndrome. Get this, while we were touring a residence hall a couple of guys who lived there stopped and answered our questions about dorm life. They were really nice about it.

  As soon as they left Jayden informed me that I was getting hit on by one of them. I said no way, but he was adamant. “He was so all over you.” Chris agreed. They laughed because they said I was oblivious to what was going . . . Fuck, my father is calling me . . . I’m not answering it . . . I’m letting it go to voice mail. Shit . . .Okay, there it is, his message. Do I answer it or delete it? I’m sure he’s just going to tell me the same thing my mother did last night. Okay, be brave.

  Well, that was a surprise. I need a minute . . . sorry.

  Okay, I’m back. I’m stunned by his message. Here it is: “Hi Jamie, I hope you are doing well. I’m happy that you are staying with Jayden. I want to apologize for my behavior the other night. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I’m ashamed for being so immature, saying those hurtful words when I should have been listening to you. The same goes for your mother. Jamie, I love you no matter what, and I mean that. I would love to get together for dinner whenever it is convenient for you, and this time I will listen and support you, I promise. I love you more than anything. I’m proud of you in every way.”

  I can’t stop crying . . .

  JOURNAL ENTRY 30

  Jayden

  I love Sunday nights and Netflix. We are almost there.

  Jamie and I just finished our homework, so he is decompressing by listening to music and reading. He’s in a great mood because his father left a message on his phone yesterday apologizing for everything. They are going to meet up for dinner tomorrow night. I hope it goes well.

  My brain is totally fried from doing a one hour mock Calc exam, so I’m decompressing by writing this entry. I’m gunna have to pick up another journal in the next few days because we are quickly coming to the end of this one. I can’t believe how fast we have filled it.

  Holding these words, our recent lives in my hands, is powerful. I can feel our heartbeats pulsating on these pages, I swear.

  The cover on this journal is lit. It’s the Manhattan skyline at night, the best skyline in the world. The next cover I choose is going to have a picture of the Upper West Side. Our neighborhood. Everyone thinks New York City is only midtown and all the other touristy spots, but it’s really a city made up of intimate neighborhoods that have their own unique personalities, like us.

  I do know one thing, thumbing through these stapled pages is driving me insane. You cannot fathom how much it is killing me not being able to read them. Sigh . . .

  Get this, Jamie and I are wearing footy pajamas right now. They arrived today via FedEx. Mine have unicorns on them and Jamie’s has teddy bears. I ordered them last week for our future pajama parties. I got Chris a pair with Smurfs on them, and Devin’s has all of the SpongeBob SquarePants characters on his. They are really comfy, and of course Jamie and I look to die for in them. Facts!

  I’m thinking about asking Devin to sleep over next weekend, although I doubt his parents will let him. I’m officially meeting them this week, which is making me nervous as all get out. I’ve been invited to dinner Wednesday evening. This is a first for me.

  Devin came out to them the day after he was outed by my sister, and although they were stunned at first, he said they were glad he felt comfortable enough to tell them. They support him one hundred percent. How cool is that?

  I just hope that Jamie’s parents have finally figured out that having a gay son is no big deal.

  So, I need to write this down; I’m in love with Devin. I know we’re young, and I know I said that about Zack the Ripper once upon a time, but I know I love him. I can feel it. And yes, I know what real love is because I love Jamie and Chris more than anyone will ever know.

  I’ve been getting so fucking emotional lately knowing that we might be heading to d
ifferent universities, different paths in life. I hope we end up going to college together because being separated from them is going to shred my heart into a billion pieces.

  I finally met Leo Friday night at my little soirée. I can see why Jamie likes him. He is quiet in a refined self-assured way. He is smokin hot, just like Jamie, and I can tell he has an old soul. It was cute watching them interact with each other throughout the evening. Leo came with Brooke, Jamie’s cousin. I hadn’t seen her in ages. She keeps getting more beautiful each time I see her. So gorgeous. She was wearing a cream-colored Gucci silk pleaded skirt, a skin tight Gucci tee, dark panty hose, and black Gucci suede ankle boots. Her hair was lit, buzzed on the sides with a flaming hot tousled pompadour. She definitely needs to model.

  Harper came with her crew: Carlos, Vann, Ryan, Emma, and Sydney. I invited some of Jamie’s friends from the Lacrosse and Soccer teams, but only Connor and Cody showed up. Typical frightened jocks. Cody came with Chris, which kind of surprised me, because I didn’t know they were hanging out together. And get this, my sister was there with her new boyfriend Liam. It was awkward at first, at least for me, but Devin and Liam seemed to handle it well. So did Erica. I’m really happy for her. I had fun hanging out with everyone. The smile on Jamie’s face said it all. I would do anything for him.

  I need to write about the Columbia University campus tour we went on yesterday. I can’t begin to tell you how connected I feel to that campus. Amazing on so many levels. Magic. I can actually visualize myself as a student there. Columbia has been in my backyard my entire life, a mere forty-three blocks away, but I’ve only been there once. That was two years ago on a field trip with my Physics class.

  I’ve always loved math and science, so yeah, it’s definitely embarrassing to fit the stupid “All Asians are good in math and science” stereotype. But hey, what can I do?