by N. Alleman
“It’s complicated...” I try to interject, but Aidan isn’t having any of it.
“You were hired to kill Damien. That was done for you. You should have backed away. Why the hell are you continuing to be involved? You are endangering yourself and the agency. What the hell is going on with you?”
I bite my lip. Guilt courses through me. He’s right about this one. I do know how the agency works, and I should have simply gone along with normal protocol. I should have gone to Aidan right away, told him what had happened and allowed him to get involved. I should have stopped.
“Oh my God,” Aidan suddenly snaps as if something has clicked within him. “I know what it is now. You’ve gone and developed feelings for the client.”
“No, it...” I start, but again he jumps in.
“It’s so clear now. This chick, this crazy bitch that has hired a hitman to kill her husband has her claws into you. You’ve broken the cardinal rule and fallen for her.” He shakes his head in disappointment, and that makes me feel even worse about myself. I know that I’ve done some stupid shit, and that I’ve allowed my heart to rule my head, but I can’t seem to stop myself. “Fucking hell, Alexi. What the hell is going on with you?”
His words stab, and for a split second I want to tell him that I’ll back off. He’s my mentor. He brought me into this country to give me a better life—I really do owe him everything—but my hand falls around the box containing the necklace in my pocket, and I know I can’t. I can’t give up Nadia, not now. She’s the first person who has ever made me feel like I could do anything, and I can’t let go of that. I cannot go back to my single life without her. There’s just no way.
“I’m sorry, Aidan,” I tell him, allowing my head to fall down towards my shoes. “I know this sucks. I don't know what to tell you.”
“Come with me, come now and let’s assign you a new job. One that’s more suited to your talents.”
He’s offering me a chance to start over, an opportunity to begin all over again, and a big part of me wants to take it. But the answer is no. I know that for Aidan to ever trust me again, I’m going to have to do something crazy.
“If you don't come right now, I’m going to have to get some of the other agents involved. I don't think you understand how serious this is, Alexi.”
“No, I do,” I tell him, giving him my most serious look. “I know exactly how serious this is. But at the same time, you’re right. I do have feelings for this woman, and I know that’s fucked up, you must see how much she means to me.”
Aidan remains silent while he drinks in all I’ve said.
“This case is deep, it goes much deeper than anything I’ve ever dealt with before, and I can’t just walk away from it. I can’t leave Nadia in the middle of danger. She will end up dead, and I won’t be able to live with myself if that happens.”
“This isn’t a job for you,” Aidan warns. “This isn’t an area that you’re familiar with.”
“I know but I’ve been doing all right with it,” I try my best to convince him. “I’m dedicated... I just can’t give up on it now. I can’t give up on her now.”
Aidan stares at me with a look in his eyes I don’t recognize, and I know I’ve only got one option left.
“I’ll pledge my service to you until I die,” I blurt out in a shocking move. “I won’t ever leave your agency, if you do this, if you let me just complete this one case, I’ll do whatever you want for the rest of my life.”
“Wow, are you serious?” Aidan gasps at me. “That’s huge. No one ever offers that.” I know how right he is with those words—most guys can’t wait to get free of the life I’ve always wanted another life myself, but Nadia is worth it. I’m going to have to go through with this for her. “Well, if that’s how much it means to you then sure, I agree.”
It isn’t until Aidan leaves that serious doubt begins to creep into my mind. I cannot believe I’ve just committed the rest of my existence to a life of crime, and just as I was growing bored with it. I will be killing people when I’m seventy years-old. If I make it that long.
That makes me kind of sad. Plus, I’ve been lucky to evade prison so far, and that probably won’t last forever.
Shit, what the hell am I thinking?
I sit for a second, trying to process everything, my mind spinning with the insanity of it all. Is this chick really worth it? I mean, I feel like she is but I really can’t be sure. We’ve only known each other for a few short days, and there’s no guarantee that we’re going to ever really become anything...
Then again, I don't want her to die no matter what, so I guess I’m just going to have to get the hell on with it and hope this will all work out in the end...
14
Nadia
It took me just over a week to throw everything together, but with a bit of help from Dimitri over the phone, I finally managed to get the funeral organized. I arranged for the flowers and the music, chose the coffin, everything... and honestly, it broke my heart to do so. To admit I’d failed and that my not-so-perfect life had been shattered was a sad thing to come to terms with. Now, I’m waiting anxiously outside of the church, trying to get up the courage to go inside. I might have been Damien’s wife and made all the arrangements, instrumental in getting it all together, but now I feel as if I don't belong here.
This life, my past, feels weird now, like a haze. I feel like a stranger at my own husband’s funeral, and I’m not sure whether I can fully go through with it. I consider staying outside during the ceremony, and then quickly make my escape. Maybe I’m not meant to have that final goodbye.
Despite all of the craziness I’m feeling inside, I greet the endless throng Damien’s relatives as they arrive. We offer one another mutual condolences, but the whole time I feel unwelcome. Damien’s parents arrived early and went inside before I got here. I’m sure they’re avoiding me, and that feels incredibly awful. The fact they can’t even push aside their hate for one day, even after I organized all of this for their sadistic son, cuts deep, and it shows how badly they despise me.
I suppose it’s better than seeing them. This is preferable to a big, nasty public scene.
My plan to keep fully out of sight falls apart when the funeral director comes outside to get me. He wants to discuss some issue regarding the program with me. I try telling him he can manage it however he chooses, but he’s insistent that I come inside with him. . My heart pounds as we walk through the building, and I fix my eyes fix on the floor. I can feel my insides turning to mush.
I can’t do this, I really can’t. I need to get the hell away from here...
But to my surprise, no one pays any attention to me. Everyone is simply talking amongst themselves, and I might as well have been invisible. That has to be a good sign, right?
“So, this is what I want to talk to you about...”
I try my best to listen intently as the man explains the slight mistake on the funeral programs, but my mind is all over the place. Despite my insistence that everything will be fine, he tells me that he’s going to print off a whole load more for an extra cost. I don't need the stress of this, so I do my best to get him off my back as quickly as I can.
“Do whatever you need to,” I finally snap, unable to listen to him anymore. “Just bill me for it later.”
With that comment, I swish out of the room, realizing that luckily for me this man is probably used to dealing with stressed out harassed people, so he probably won’t take too much offense. I just don't need problems brought to me when I’m so damn close to falling apart. What I need is a calm, quiet moment to myself.
In an attempt to find one, I race towards to bathroom, knowing that at least if I’m locked away in one of the stalls, no one can get to me.
Just a second of feeling safe.
But before I can get there, a rough hand grips my shoulder tightly, and I’m spun violently around to find myself staring face to face with a woman I know all too well.
It’s Damien’s mother, an
d she looks furious. I’m scared as hell, but I already know before my eyes flicker everywhere that there isn’t anyone that can save me. These people here hate me, and it’s likely that’ll be even worse now that my husband is dead. I’m finally realizing now that he was more of a buffer than I first realized.
“You are fucking scum,” she hisses at me, practically spitting in my face. “You are a fucking murdering bitch.”
“What?” I gasp, hating the fact that I feel my face heating up at the accusation. “What are you talking about?” A tight knot of anxiety explodes in my veins and grips me in its thrall..
“You killed my son,” she wails, tears falling from her eyes. “My beautiful boy, you killed him. You married him for his money, and now you’ve done this to get it. He used to tell me all about your spending habits, your over the top purchases, and now you hope that you’re going to get everything for yourself.”
“Huh?” I cry out in shock. What the hell did Damien tell these people about me? No wonder they despise me. They assumed I was after his cash the entire time. Clearly he wanted me so isolated that he insured everyone in the world hated me, and unfortunately, he got exactly what he wanted. Even now, he’s having the last laugh. “I don’t...”
But I can’t finish my sentence, because in a flash, I hear a slapping sound, and an intense pain radiates across my cheek. I touch my face, shocked.
Did she really just hit me?
With a sense of déjà vu, I try to take a step back, but my back hits the rock hard, cold wall behind me.
I’ve been cornered, and I’m almost in a full blown panic.
“You murdering whore!” She suddenly wails, hitting me over and over again until my body sinks to the floor. I can no longer see anything. All that I’m aware of is pain everywhere. I fear at this rate she’s going to hit me until I black out...
But then out of nowhere, it just stops. I remain sitting for a few moments, curling around my body and hiding my face from the world, but eventually when nothing else seems to come my way, I allow myself a tiny peek. I flicker my eyes upwards through my eyelashes, and there I see Dimitri holding his mother back and talking quietly to her. She’s panting heavily, but nodding at whatever he’s saying to her. Then, she shoots me one final look of pure hatred before stalking off into the hall, leaving me alone.
Relief floods through me, though I know it’s only temporary. She’ll come after me again, there’s no doubt about that. This isn’t over.
“Are you okay?” Dimitri asks, extending his hand to me.
Unable to respond, I stare at him blindly.
“Don't worry about her, she’s under a lot of stress. I know it might seem like she’s gone nuts, but I think it’s just grief.” He smiles at me, trying to reassure me, but it doesn’t help one damn bit.
“She... she called me a murderer,” I say, wanting him to understand just how far this has gone. “I thought she was going to kill me.”
“Come on,” he replies kindly, helping me up. Keeping a steading arm around my waist, he says, “Let’s go outside and get some fresh air. I think we both could use a moment away from this madness.”
I allow him to take me back out where I wanted to stay anyway, needing to gulp in some of the cool, calming air. Once we’re there, he rubs my shoulders a little, doing his best to calm me down.
“This must be really hard for you,” he tells me. “The last thing you need is Ma going off on you. I told her to calm the fuck down and to respect Damien’s memory, so I’m pretty sure you’ll be fine for now.”
“Thank you.” I nod gratefully. “Thank you for intervening. I honestly don't know what would have happened if you hadn’t.”
As he smiles at me, I spot that familiar glint behind his eyes, and I feel a pang of longing for what could have been. I didn’t meet Dimitri until I’d been with Damien for almost two months, and he immediately made his attraction to me clear. At one point he even hinted that he would be willing to betray his brother to run away with me, but at the time I was infatuated with the wrong man. I turned him down, convinced that I was doing the right thing—a decision I would later come to regret.
How different would things have been if I’d met Dimitri first? Would he and I have been happy together? Would he have treated me much better than his brother had? I suspect he would have worshipped the ground I walk on, which is a lot different than what I ended up with. If Dimitri and I had become a couple, maybe everything would have been okay.
But of course we didn’t, so I suppose I’ll never know.
“You look beautiful,” he rasps, sounding blown away by me. “You always are. Even today, on what I assume must be the hardest day of your life, you still manage to look radiant.”
I smile sadly and look down at my feet, not wanting to get lost in what could have been. There’s no point in thinking about that now, it’ll just mess me up even more. What I need is to worry about what’s going on right now in front of me.
“Thank you,” I say, not wanting to be rude. “And thanks for all your help too. You’ve been amazing this past week.”
“Anything for you,” he shoots back quickly. “You know that.”
I need to change the subject before I end up getting all tied up in his words. I’m confused enough with everything that’s happened with Damien and Alexi I certainly don't need to add a third man into this crazy mix.
“I have arranged a meeting with the attorney next week,” I tell him. “Obviously I’ll text you the details and you can figure things out with your family too.”
“Of course.” As he says these words, he places his fingers under my chin. For a split second I’m convinced he’s going to kiss me, his brother’s wife, at the man’s funeral, but luckily he simply sighs instead.
I don't say anything. I simply stand there and allow him to work through whatever hell he’s going through. Suddenly, the music pipes up from inside.
“We better go,” I tell him hurriedly, pushing past him in a rush to at least see what I’ve thrown together now. “Or we’re going to end up missing the whole thing. This is the one and only chance that we’ll have to say goodbye.”
15
Alexi
Despite everything that Aidan has said to me, I’m still excited to pick Nadia up for our date. Things feel much more serious now that I’ve made such a bold move for her, and although she won’t know about it, I’m sure she’ll be able to sense the shift in me. She’ll know I’m all in now. I might have thrown any chance at another life away for her, but I don't feel bad about it. In fact, it feels like a positive step forward, even though in reality it’s probably about ten steps back.
Getting involved with Nadia after I’ve just pledged my entire life to crime isn’t wise, but if I don't throw myself in with both feet then what the hell is the point of it all? Why do that just to lose her anyway?
I drive to her house, hoping that she’s better now. I messaged her yesterday after the funeral, but all I got back was a short reply, so I left her to have some space. Despite the sort of man she was burying, it had to have been hard for her, and I need to respect that. Plus, on top of everything, she had to deal with Damien’s family I know they don’t think too highly of her, so I’m sure that wasn't easy. I just hope that her mood has improved by now.
Because I want tonight to be about us. I want to be able to forget the gruesome mess we’ve gotten ourselves into, just for a short while. I don't want to think about Aidan, or Damien, and I hope she doesn’t either. When we’re together, and we can just be ourselves without everything surrounding us, it really is perfect, and I’d love to have another glimpse of that. We’ve only really experienced that once, the other night at my apartment. Things between us were incredible that night and I can’t help but crave that again.
I’m just a little nervous that something has happened to put her off me.
Luckily my fears are instantly pushed aside when I discover that I don't even need to go up to her door to get Nadia, because she’s stan
ding outside on the edge of the driveway, just waiting for me. As my eyes travel up and down her body I’m literally speechless. She’s wearing a dark red dress that hugs her curves perfectly, her long dark hair is hanging straight and loose, and her lips are painted the same color as her dress, which instantly has bolts of desire bursting right though me.
Wow, she’s incredible...
She’s so damn beautiful, even when she isn’t trying, but tonight she is making an effort, and I almost can’t speak. Nadia is the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever laid my eyes upon, that’s all there is to it, and I still can’t believe that she wants to spend even a second with me. I feel like a gruff, rough-looking man that doesn’t even deserve a moment of her time, yet somehow she’s here, smiling at me, wanting to go out to dinner... I must be the luckiest man on the entire planet.
“I thought we were supposed to be being discreet,” I joke as she slides into the car next to me. “Yet you’ve come in the most eye-popping outfit I’ve ever seen in my life.”
She remains silent for a few moments, not giving me any response, so I get the car moving hoping that when we’re away from that houses she will feel freer to open up. There’s a stiffness to her, an awkward coldness that I really want to thaw, but I’m not quite sure about the best way to do this. So while I wait, I can’t stop flicking my eyes over to where she’s sitting, drinking her in, wanting to commit her to memory. There’s something about her tonight, something more incredible than unusual, and I’m afraid if I don't capture it now, I might lose the chance forever.
She’s amazing, perfect, far too good to be with someone like me...
I really hope she doesn’t use tonight to let me down.
“I just wanted to look nice for a change,” Nadia suddenly speaks, dragging me from my negative thought pattern. “Damien always made sure that I was covered up, no matter what. I haven’t worn anything like this for a very long time, and I guess I just wanted to look more like me. I haven’t been able to feel like myself in ages, so I suppose... well, it’s nice to have a change.”