I couldn’t speak; all I could do was shake my head from side to side in slow motion, while our gazes remained locked.
“God, listen to me. I’m a drunken mess.” His lips curved up to an almost-smile before he turned and looked toward the balcony. “Wanna know a secret?” I wanted to reply ‘no, not really,’ but I never got the chance. “I don’t want to be a doctor. I’ve never wanted to, but I don’t know how to tell that to my family, especially my dad.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but he cut me off again. “How are you supposed to tell your family something like that? The family who picked you to be a part of theirs when they could’ve easily chosen some other baby next to you.”
I waited for him to say more, but he remained silent, just gazing out at the city horizon in front of us. I took the chance to speak; not that I had any idea of how to respond to something like that. “They’re your family. They’ll be proud of whatever you choose to do.” If only I could say the same for mine.
“Maybe I should be more like you and not give a fuck.” He slowly twisted his head to face me again. I wanted to laugh and struggled to keep a straight face, confusing him in the process. I knew he hadn’t meant it in a hurtful way; he was drunk and was stating the obvious. I did often do what I wanted and I usually didn’t give a fuck, but he didn’t know the real reasons behind it. “Only you would find that comment amusing,” he added, drawing his eyebrows together. “You’re the most confusing human being in the world.”
“You only know the half of it,” I mumbled, tearing my eyes away from his penetrating glare. I grew uncomfortable knowing he was still staring, trying to figure out who the real me was. I didn’t like that, because I knew if someone looked close enough, they’d be able to see the cracks and all the flaws in the mask I continually wore.
“Tell me a secret,” Jackson suddenly blurted out after a moment of silence.
“What?” I turned to see if he was being serious, taken back by how close he had gotten in the small space of time. He was now twisted in his seat, his elbows on the glass tabletop with his chin resting in his hands. His wide, blue eyes stared back into mine and a small, hopeful smile sat on his face. “I don’t have any secrets,” I answered, trying not to sound guilty. My life was one big secret.
He screwed his face up. “Yes, you do. Everybody does. I have another one.” He smiled slyly before looking down at the table and muttering, “I have plenty, actually.”
He seemed preoccupied with his own thoughts so I used that time to study him, regretting the decision to stay out with him because he wanted to know things; things I wasn’t ready to reveal. He was drunk, very drunk, so why couldn’t he be a regular drunk and pass out or something, instead of trying to discuss things he wasn’t even going to remember tomorrow? Not going to remember. At least I had that on my side. If I did spill, who’s to say he would even recall anything I say to him? But if he did.
“I found out who my real mother was,” he blurted out, straightening up in his seat.
“You did?” I was truly surprised by his comment. All I knew about his biological mother was she was very young when she had him and was a heroin addict. Social Services stepped in and took him. He was then adopted by my aunty and uncle. My parents never spoke about much else to do with his birth mother; I suppose it was one of those things our families preferred to keep hidden. Though, I never really asked, either.
“Yeah, last year. I thought I could handle it but I can’t. She didn’t recognize me and didn’t want anything to do with me; it’s probably one of the reasons why I started drinking.” Whoa. What?
My eyes darted to the half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels then slowly back to Jackson, whose eyes were closed and face had paled. For a moment, I thought he was going to be sick and didn’t know what to do other than sit there motionless, watching quietly and waiting for him to open his eyes, to move or do something.
I couldn’t bear the silence and out of awkwardness and nervousness, I blurted out, “I’m afraid of open water!” Jackson’s eyes shot open and immediately locked with mine. “You wanted to know a secret; well, that’s one of mine,” I added. “I’ve been afraid of it ever since the day Quinn drowned.”
The corner of his mouth twisted slightly, like he wanted to smile but thought better not to, but I could still see it in his eyes. “Have you ever told anyone that before?” he asked softly.
I shook my head slowly from side to side; stunned at knowing I’d just confessed that to someone, to him.
“Do you miss her?”
“Every day.”
Hypnotized by his gaze, I was completely unaware that he’d moved his arm until something warm touched my hand. I immediately looked down to see that Jackson had placed his hand over mine. Unable to do anything but stare, I tried hard to control the anxiety building inside. It wasn’t Jackson’s fault I felt this way; it was the old, painful memories coming back. The ones that dug their sharp tendrils into me and tried to drag me back into the darkness that waited patiently to consume me.
As if sensing my discomfort, Jackson retracted his hand and cleared his throat, bringing me back into the light. “You should go back to your natural color,” he said suddenly. I looked up in confusion, wondering what he was going on about this time. “Your hair, I mean. You look great as a redhead, but I miss you blonde.”
Did he really mean to say that? I wasn’t sure whether it was his attempt at changing the conversation from the awkward moment previously or if it was just another one of his drunken ramblings. Either way, I was glad he did it.
“How do you know what I look like with blonde hair? You haven’t seen me in four years.” I smirked.
“Wrong. I’ve seen you in the magazines, on the TV—”
“Oh, God, don’t tell me you watch that stupid show, too?” I couldn’t help but chuckle after imagining Jackson sitting in front of the TV, trying to watch an episode of Storm and Alek.
“Hell, no. I had no idea who this Storm chick was until Maddie told me last week.” He shifted around in his seat so he was facing the balcony again. Tilting his head back so he was looking up at the sky, he said, “Anyway, I was just saying blonde suits you.”
Not wanting to ruin the moment, I just sat there looking over at him, watching him carefully as he gazed up at the stars. The guy didn’t seem as bad as I first thought. Perhaps we could be friends? You want more than that…
Shaking the absurd thought from my head, I looked away, thankful the darkness around us hid my hot cheeks.
The silence was broken when Jackson yawned loudly.
“Perhaps you should go to bed before you pass out on that chair,” I teased.
Jackson nodded then slowly got to his feet. He rubbed the side of his head with his hand and said, “Jeez, I’m fucked. Thanks for not letting me drink the whole bottle.”
Holding out his arm, he waited for me to take his hand, and then helped me up. I got ready to turn and walk back into the house when he stopped me. “Harper, listen.” Unable to ignore the pull he had on me after just saying my name, I looked up to face him. “Thank you, for everything tonight. I needed this.”
I smiled. I genuinely smiled; there was no fakeness, and there was nothing forced about it. “You’re welcome,” I replied, spinning around and walking away before he could tell I was blushing again.
One evening spent with a drunk Jackson, and I felt more alive than ever. How could that be possible? It couldn’t. Blaming it on the alcohol fumes messing with my mind, I headed for bed, but not before taking the pills I depended on.
I woke up early the next day feeling disorientated. I had an image burnt into my mind of me sharing things with Harper, but that hadn’t happened, had it? It was just a dream, right? I’d never—Wait. It hadn’t been a dream. I had been sitting up on the balcony, drinking after having a fight with Dina, and Harper had appeared. What had I told her?
I winced as each image came back to me and my memory slowly pieced itself together, finally replaying the e
vents that took place last night like a movie.
I’d left Dina’s house pissed off. She’d wanted more of me and I told her I didn’t feel the same way, and I just didn’t have the time for a relationship. It was an argument that we constantly had and was beginning to wear on me. As always, I’d chosen to be honest with her and she wasn’t happy with the result, which caused the fight. She knew I was struggling to balance everything in my life; why couldn’t she understand that? As soon as I’d gotten home, I’d stolen another bottle of my dad’s JD and taken it up to the balcony with me. I saw Harper step out and I asked her to stay… She stayed. And I vaguely remember drunkenly spilling to her some of my deepest secrets. I cringed as the memories replayed in my mind. I’d told her about finding out about my biological mother, my drinking problem, and not wanting to be a doctor, all things I should have kept to myself. I froze suddenly. I could deal with sharing those secrets with her as long as I didn’t mention one. Had I accidentally let it slip? I wracked my brain for any evidence that I had but came up with nothing but humiliation from allowing Harper to see me in that state.
I sat up in bed, and my eyes flicked up to a small, wooden box sitting above the bookshelf. I slowly got to my feet and made my way over, first making sure to check my bedroom door was locked. I grabbed the box and placed it on the bed. I sat there with the box in front of my lap, deliberating on whether to open it. I knew what it contained; I’d known for over four years, ever since the owner of the contents inside left it here by accident.
With my finger, I lightly traced the Celtic knots carved all around the lid of the box before wrapping my hand around the heavy, antique padlock. It was locked; of course it was. Inside contained a secret big enough to destroy both our families forever, and I couldn’t risk leaving it open for just anyone to see what was inside. I didn’t want to draw attention to the box, either, which is why I opted for an antique wooden box with a matching lock. To the normal eye, it just looked as though I’d bought it as an ornament for my bedroom. And it worked; no one in my family had ever questioned why I had it.
I twisted around toward my bedside table and lifted up the lamp. I’d hidden one of the keys underneath it; no one would think to look there. The second key, for the second, smaller box inside the bigger one, was hidden inside my top dresser drawer, taped to the very back.
Once I held both keys in my hand, I used them to open the boxes and pulled out the item that had the power to ruin the Hudson and Hayward family: Quinn Hudson’s journal.
Inside was the truth; the truth about what happened to her, what she’d suffered through before she died, and the reason why she killed herself.
It was Saturday, and I was in a restless mood. I didn’t want to be locked up in the house anymore, and I didn’t want to wait around until Aunt Juliana could rearrange her nursing schedule. I wanted to go exploring. I wanted to see parts of the city I hadn’t seen in years. I wanted to go and get my hair done at some ritzy hair salon and go shopping at the mall. There were plenty of things I wanted to do but the reality was, without a car, I wasn’t going anywhere. There was always the option of taking a taxicab, but I didn’t know where I was going. I needed a shopping partner…
After last night, there was no chance in asking Jackson. I preferred to stay clear of him after revealing one of my secrets to him. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed; it was more that I’d rather not know whether he remembered what I’d said or not. I didn’t think he was even home, anyway. I’d heard him leave earlier in the morning and hadn’t heard him return. Blake! Blake would certainly do it. He was easy enough to manipulate and had a problem saying no to anything I asked him. With the perfect plan in mind, I set off to find Jackson’s younger brother.
It wasn’t hard to work out where he was hiding: in his room, playing video games. That guy loved video games more than anything else. After literally ten minutes of repeated knocking, I finally heard him hit pause on the computer game he was playing, followed by slow footsteps.
“Mum, I told you not to, oh, it’s you. Sorry, I thought—”
As soon as I saw Blake’s face appear on the other side, I flashed my best grin. “Hi, Blake. I have something to ask you.”
“Of course you do. You’d never come knocking on my door otherwise.”
He was probably right, but I continued with what I came to ask him anyway, “Actually… I want to ask if you’d like to spend the day with me.”
Blake eyed me cautiously with his beady, brown eyes. I flashed him another cheesy grin in hopes it would coax him into it. “Let me guess, whatever it is you want involves another person helping you out in some way and since I’m the only one home, I get to be that lucky guy?” Huh. The kid had me all worked out.
“Fine. It’s all true,” I answered, dropping the act. “I want to leave this prison and spend the day in the city.”
He opened the door wider, enough for me to step inside. “What did you have in mind? I don’t have my license, you know that, right?”
“I remember. But you still know your way around the city better than me. So, I thought you and I could take a taxicab and spend the day together.” I shrugged, scanning his dark, poster-covered bedroom. Surprise, surprise, all the posters hanging were of animated girls from sci-fi movies and video games.
“And what is it you want to do?”
I spun around to face him, my eyes catching sight of the giant computer sitting on his desk, flashing all sorts of bright colors. “Shopping.”
“No way!” he replied, pulling a face.
“Please! I’ll buy you something. A new video game or clothes… whatever it is you like.”
He frowned. “I have all the latest games, and I don’t give a shit about clothes.”
“So, what is it you want? I’ll do anything if you let me just have this one day of freedom.”
He stared silently at me for a moment before turning his gaze to the ceiling and rubbing his chin. I stood there quietly with my fingers crossed behind my back.
“Okay, I’ll agree for one thing and one thing only.”
“Anything.”
“There’s a new movie out I desperately want to watch.”
That’s what he wants? Easy! “Done!”
A giant smile spread across his face. I suddenly wasn’t sure whether it was genuine or he was up to something.
“Shall I look up the movie times? I don’t own a credit card, so you’re going to have to purchase them.”
“I promised I’d take you, so of course I’m paying. You just go ahead and look up the show times. By the way, what are we going to see?”
He walked past me, sat down at his computer, and began typing quickly. “Oh, an awesome Sci-Fi film called Galactic Wars. It’s about this guy who accidentally shoots off into space and lands on a strange planet. He meets these aliens who are in a middle of a war with another planet…”
Great. What on Earth had I gotten myself into?
After calling for a taxi, Blake and I stood outside on the driveway waiting for it to arrive. He had not stopped going on about the damn movie we were going to see first. That was the deal we’d ended up making; movie first and then he’d walk around with me for as long as I needed him to. Sounded easy enough… at the beginning.
While Blake chattered away, I stood, observing my fingernails to see whether they needed a manicure or not. He was blissfully unaware I was no longer paying attention to him. A familiar black truck, which people called a ‘Ute’ in this country, slowed to a roll and pulled into the driveway. Great, the fun is ruined before it even gets to start.
Jackson eyed us through the opened passenger window as he drove in, switching off the ignition and swinging his sports bag over his shoulder before making his way over to us. “And where do you two think you’re going?”
I was about to open my mouth with a smart-ass comeback, but Blake beat me to it. “Last time I checked, I didn’t need my brother knowing my daily plans.”
Jackson shook his head at his youn
ger brother before turning and pinning his gaze on me. “Usually, I’d never ask but since Harper is with you, I have no choice.” His mouth twisted into a sly smirk, causing me to narrow my eyes.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I deadpanned.
Jackson’s smirk grew wider. “I’m not an idiot, Harper. I know about your reputation, and I’m not about to let you drag my little brother into your stupid mess.”
His comment was intentionally meant to get under my skin, but unfortunately, what he was saying was nothing I hadn’t heard before. My mother and sister made similar remarks over and over to me, so his comment had no effect whatsoever. By the way he was behaving, it appeared he had no recollection of our conversation last night. This was a good thing; it meant I had nothing to worry about. My secret was still safe, and Jackson wasn’t going to be expecting me to “be nice” all of a sudden.
“Actually, we’re on our way to the theater. There’s a movie Blake wanted to see and I told him I’d take him. Isn’t that right, Blake?”
“Yeah, that’s right. No need to be a dick about it, Jacko.”
Words couldn’t describe how much I enjoyed seeing the smug look get wiped off Jackson’s face; it disappeared so fast. He threw a harsh look at his brother and opened his mouth to say something when the taxi pulled up and honked its horn. Perfect timing.
“Sorry, Jacko, but our ride is here. Bye,” I said, waving at him with an identical smirk to his earlier one glued to my face.
Once we were in the taxicab and Blake directed the driver where to go, I sat back and enjoyed the passing view. Sydney was pretty, I had to give it that. The Hayward’s had a spectacular view from their home, but to drive over the Sydney Harbor Bridge and see the Opera House and the city high-risers up close was an unbelievable experience.
“Hey, before I forget, thank you for sticking up for me back there,” I said, turning to Blake who was texting away on his phone.
All That Matters Page 7