"A sense of self?" I offered with an awkward shrug.
Elmiryn nodded. "Yeah. As in, you look in the mirror and you're certain that what you're seeing is correct. 'Oh look, there's my hair, styled just the way it is supposed to be. And the look in my eyes matches just the kind of emotion I'm feeling. And I look just as old as I feel.' Y'know, that sort of thing."
I thought about it for a moment, and felt an understanding settle in. I looked back as Elmiryn began to continue. I got the sense she was talking less to me and more to herself.
"Meznik took away my belief of the past and therefor took away my hope for the future." She said, arms now lowered at her sides as she stared ahead blankly. "All I have is the present moment–the current feelings and current sensations–because all in the past becomes fiction, and my passion and trust in it fades. But even the present feels a little hollow. So...I guess...I...I don't feel real. I feel like all the things that make up who I am could break and give way to apathy. I mean, why care about a world you don't believe in anymore?" she said all this quietly, her voice almost overpowered by the sound of the water coming into the lake. It was like she just realized what her curse meant for her.
She remained quiet for what felt like a long time, and it seemed like I was supposed to say something, but I wasn't sure what.
But suddenly Elmiryn was smiling again, and she resumed her watch for fish along the water. There was an eagerness about her–the way her gaze roved, the tense readyness of her arms. Her eyes were lit bright and intense by the reflection of the suns in the water. "I guess that's why I'd like you to come with me. To be my anchor. To remind me of who I was, so that..."
I frowned at her, suddenly nervous of this responsibility I now had. "So that what?" I prompted.
The warrior fired another arrow. The water splashed and rippled before blood billowed in a dark cloud toward the surface.
"So that I don't turn into something else."
NYX____________________________
It was a two-day journey to the town known as Dame, and in that time I discovered three things: if a tree branch squeaks, I probably shouldn't rest on it; Elmiryn has no concept of personal space; and apparently, I talk in my sleep.
"You were muttering something about rats."
"I was not."
"You were asleep. How do you know?"
"I find myself a bit concerned over the fact that you were close enough to make out what I was muttering."
"So you're saying I'm right."
"No. I'm saying you have alarming ideas of what's permissible between two people who hardly know each other."
"You can't remember what you were dreaming. Are you really going to argue with me?"
I settled for looking sullen and avoided Elmiryn's gaze. "My hazy mutterings aside, what made you think hovering over me like you were would be interpreted as anything else but creepy?"
I sat at the base of an old poplar tree, where I picked twigs and dirt from my tangled mess of hair. The bandages wrapped around my hands were smudged with the pollen from the catkins. I tried to wipe it off, but it seemed to only set it deeper into the sweat stained fabric.
Elmiryn stood over me, her arms crossed and the corners of her lips turned upwards at the ends.
"You were crying," she said with a twitch of her mouth.
I glanced at her with sullen eyes. "I must have been thinking of something else."
"You fell out of the tree. It was kinda like you were trying to get away from them."
I grit my teeth but made it a point not to look up at her again. "No. The branch broke. And it broke because I jumped when I saw you were hovering over me."
Elmiryn shook her head with a chuckle and palmed her face. "Nyx, you wouldn't wake up when I was calling you from the ground. How else was I going to wake you? Throw a rock?" Then she looked upwards as if something occured to her, and the smile that had been only a concept became fully realized. "...Hey, wait a minute. You think I'm unsettling? As in, 'Gee, I hope she makes a go for my pants', or as in, 'I think this crazy wench is going to shiv my hide'?"
The way she said this had a tone of absurdity that I'm sure she entirely meant for. It caught me completely off guard. I looked up at her with cheeks tinged pink and my mouth open, ready to speak. It was an instinctual reaction after being posed a question. ...But nothing worth saying came to me until I could see the mischievous glint wink in her morning-lit eyes.
I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. I felt like a bug beneath a magnifying glass. "By the four winds, what is the matter with you?" I grumbled. My hands went to rub my temples. I could feel a headache coming on. "Do you like making me as flustered as possible?"
I heard Elmiryn sit on the ground and opened my eyes to gaze at her warily. When our eyes met she tilted her head to the side. "You make it so easy." she said. There was a note of fascination in her voice that made me squint my eyes a little. "I mean, you're the first one of your kind I've met that doesn't know how to hunt or fight, and...well..." her voice trailed and she seemed to reconsider her next choice of words.
I braced myself. Any sentence that trailed off like that had something unpleasant to unveil. I let my hands drop to my lap, where I sprinkled away the dirt I had between my fingers. "Well what?" I prompted uneasily.
"You speak funny." She shrugged after she said this.
I just stared. "...Pardon?"
She held her hands up, but there was no sense of urgency in the action. Elmiryn wasn't concerned with insulting me, it seemed. "Easy. I don't mean it in a bad way." Her eyes trailed from my face to my hair, then my hands. She looked at me again and her expression went soft. "Where did you learn my language?"
"...Reading." I paused and fiddled with the collar of my gambeson. "Before I was Marked I read a lot to pass the time. Human literature had...um...lots of nice stories."
"Self-taught. That's amazing."
"Are you trying to distract me from the fact that you just spooked me off the high branch of a tree?" I gave her the driest look I could manage.
Elmiryn didn't wither. Instead, she seemed to brighten at my passive aggression. "No, honestly, Nyx. I mean it." I pursed my lips as I stood and walked a few steps away. She made as if to grab at my ankles, but then refrained.
"C'mon, look at me," she said–not asked. "I really mean it. So will you accept that I'm sorry?"
I crossed my arms and tapped my fingers thoughtfully. "...Yes. But I think it's clear we've got to establish some things if I'm going to travel with you."
"Okay, great. What do you want established?" Elmiryn leaned back on her hands and grinned up at me. I consciously avoided looking at her.
"First of all, quit remarking about how I'm not like such-and-such or like so-and-so. Having my short-comings pointed out to me all the time is driving me mad."
"Done."
"Second, I'd appreciate it if you'd quit staring at me. It's making me nervous."
"All right."
"And third, you've got to give me my space. That means no messing with my things and no putting your hands on me just for the sake of it. Okay?"
"Yeah. You got it."
"Good."
"Great."
"Fantastic."
"Lovely."
"...Have you got anything you'd like to tell me?"
Elmiryn held up a finger. "Just one thing."
I was already wary. "What's that?"
"If you're going to use fancy words, you've got to tell me what they mean."
"...That's it?"
"Sure, why not? But you can't give me the wrong definition. If you do, I might pull a sword on someone who was otherwise just telling me how well my pants compliment my ass. Granted, anyone who told me that would still have my blade at their throat, but the worst I'd do is slap their rump with the broadside of my sword."
A crooked grin spread over my lips. "Sweet Aelurus...conciliation really comes naturally to you, doesn't it?"
"Well see, if I knew what that meant..."
>
Despite myself I giggled. Whenever Elmiryn spoke, it always seemed on the verge of laughing somehow--sometimes I was certain because of me, but other times I wasn't so sure. My guess was that she was aware of something I wasn't. Perhaps because of her condition. Certainly, with every restless pass of her eyes, I believed more and more in her curse.
Since our time at the lake, all conversation between the two of us had been purely chit-chat: general observations about our surroundings, the weather, what it was we'd do for food, where we'd sleep, etc.... Now, as we entered the flat golden valley and could see Dame in the distance, our polite ease seemed to be slipping into something else. Something less inhibited.
I found I welcomed it.
"What are your plans in Dame?" I asked Elmiryn as I pulled absently at the straps of my bag.
She glanced at me and smirked. "To ask some questions. Get information about the territory and what is going on here. I suspect that Meznik's come to this land. If he has, I'm certain he's already done something to cause trouble. That's what I'm expecting to learn about."
"Will it take us closer to him?"
"Hopefully. I'm working against him, so anything of his I can undo is something in my favor, but what I'm really seeking is a way to get to Meznik himself. He's an astral demon and exists on a different level than you or I. That means that taking a sword to him is about as effective as trying to cut shadows."
I swiped absently at a daisy on the ground with my foot. "What sort of things did you do before you met me?"
"Oh...those are long stories. Complicated too. I get impatient telling them," her voice changed, dropping a note.
I glanced at her, through my bangs. "Can you tell me one thing, at least? If my job is to help you remember who you are and what you stand for, then maybe I should get an idea of the woman you were before Meznik?"
Elmiryn smiled, but the curl of her lip seemed a hair's breath away from a snarl. "I was a fool." she said, and the conversation ended there.
The gate to Dame was guarded by two men, and I could see between the crenelations of the town wall there were archers keeping sight of all who came near. Elmiryn walked ahead of me and approached one of the armed guards, an amiable smile on her face. "Hail," she said.
"Hail," the man returned, his squinted eyes shifting to rest on me. I tried hard to seem unobtrusive, turning my gaze elsewhere.
"We'd like to enter your fine town," Elmiryn said, nodding toward the gate. "Will you grant us passage?"
"Your business?" the guard asked.
"Food, drink, a place to rest...we won't even be here long. One night, at the most."
"Who's your friend?"
I tensed and kept my head down. Better to seem bashful and timid than to let him see my eyes. It had, of course, occurred to me that perhaps he had seen them already, but I still I didn't lift my gaze. Perhaps it was a childish logic. Pretend hard enough and the world would pretend with you.
I could hear Elmiryn shrug, the metal of her shoulder guards hissing. "She's my ward." There was a sense of finality to her words, as though any more questions on the matter were unneeded–and unwelcome.
The guard took a moment to consider. Then he said, "You'll have to check your weapons at the garrison. Those aren't allowed within town walls. You can retrieve them when you leave." then he gave a whistle and a second later the gate doors opened inward.
I followed Elmiryn as she passed through. As we proceeded further into town I breathed in deep, taking in the scents. I could smell the smoke and ash from hearth fires, dung from horses, the hay used to feed them, roasting meat and stewing vegetables, freshly dyed cloth, and potpourri. Thatched homes, many of them two-stories, were set neatly side by side in what appeared to be a planned arrangement. Importance seemed to shape the town in an orderly way of business--a trait most trading hot spots shared. Everyone there was so well dressed. Dame was a prosperous town.
I fingered the hole in my collar and decided I'd take Elmiryn up on her offer to mend it.
The both of us entered the garrison, a cold stone building that smelled of steel and sweat. As Elmiryn checked her weapons, she glanced at me and raised an eyebrow.
"You aren't a turtle, Nyx," she said.
"I realize that," I returned, looking up at her. When we left the garrison I continued in a low voice, "If our first encounter was any indication, this area hates my kind. I was actually on my way to leave for someplace safer when we met."
Elmiryn smiled in a way that made me nervous. "And instead, you met me."
"Yeah," I said, glancing at her.
"Go on, lift your head. My job is to keep you safe. If you've got to hide all the time, then I must not be doing a good job, right?"
"I suppose..."
"So?"
With a sigh, I laboriously straightened out, my eyes gazing straight ahead. "I like being inconspicuous. Just about everything about me is easy to forget except for my eyes." I fussed with my bangs, irritated over the fact that one side was so long it tickled my nose, yet the other side had grown only an inch from my hairline. I vowed never to get 'creative' with a pair of garden shears again.
"I wouldn't say you're easy to forget," Elmiryn said, clasping her hands behind her back.
I looked at her, skeptical. "Oh?"
She shrugged, and gestured at a group of young girls hovering near a merchants cart. They were cooing over foreign fabrics and giggling at the merchant's extravagant attempts at getting them to buy his product. "Take those girls for instance. For me, they blend into the background. They are common and easy to ignore."
"Is that because of your curse?"
"I think the curse just makes it worse. I'd have passed them by without a second look even if I didn't have this problem."
"I know you've told me what it's like for you, or tried to, but somehow I can't even imagine it," I said, crossing my arms high on my chest and tilting my chin down just slightly. I felt a little exposed walking with my head up like I was. "Has your perceptions changed greatly?"
The woman chuckled. "Well of course they have! I can't rely on what I see as I once did."
I gazed at her in wonder. "So it's like your blind..."
Elmiryn blinked. Then she smiled and a stronger laugh came up her throat, deep and raw. "I guess I am," she said. She gave me a nudge, "But it'll help having someone to lead me, won't it?"
I glanced at my arm as if she slapped a manacle there. I felt like I was in over my head. Wishing to change the subject, I pointed down the way at a shop sign squeaking on its hinges. It read, "The Red Shield," and offered a helpful picture for the reading impaired. "Look. There's an inn," I said lamely.
The warrior turned her head and nodded. "Good. Let's see if we can stay the night there."
ELMIRYN________________________
Brown ale wasn't her favorite choice of drink, but the nutty, bitter-sweet taste seared through her conscious like a sensual streak from a painter's brush. The taste filled her, and after she swished the drink sufficiently in her mouth, she swallowed it down and took the mug to her lips for another gulp.
The inn was clouded with tobacco smoke and dust, the patrons there conversing amiably amongst themselves with little regard to those around them. A trusting town. She had almost become used to the shifting glances of skittish customers, the barely contained snarls, the flatulence, dirty faces, and visible weapons. She leaned against the bar, eyes slightly squinted as she regarded a fragile sight at risk of falling away.
Nyx sat on a high stool next to her, slouched and with her back to the room. She was hunched over a bowl of stew, curls of steam brushing the sides of her face as she chewed on a large chunk of beef. The bulge in her cheek tempted Elmiryn to poke it, but she restrained herself with a small grin.
They had secured a room without trouble. Two beds, but a small space. The woman didn't plan on turning in soon.
With one elbow on the counter behind her, Elmiryn swirled the liquid in her mug with a frown. Not the best drink she'd
had, but so long as it did what she hoped it would, it didn't matter.
Sometimes she imagined, when she allowed herself too, that the world before her stood only because she let it. If she wished, a simple push was all that would be needed to send the theatrical backdrop tumbling. The woman wondered what would lie behind the flimsy perceptions. Would there be black nothing, or a radiant truth?
She felt so...small...
When she felt the depth of the room suddenly stop at her nose, Elmiryn closed her eyes and pressed herself further back into the counter, so that the edge dug into her spine. It felt like her face were against a wall. She took two deep breaths and reminded herself that this was an impossibility, and her belief could easily be disproved by simply stretching out her hand. So she did so, and felt it press against nothing; no backdrop, no curtain, no wall, just...nothing. She didn't open her eyes or drop her arm, but instead let her other senses take over. The sounds of people yards away, the tremble of the floor from footsteps, the brush of air against her face...
"Elmiryn? Something the matter?" Nyx. The girl's stool squeaked as she turned to regard her. It was sweet, that concern. She let the girl's voice echo in her head.
"She's not just a picture, Elmiryn. She's a living, thinking being."
A ghost from the past came to haunt her through the present, but she could recall nothing of who they really were, and so, let the warning slip through the sieve of her attention. Wasn't it funny, how she could banish these melancholy shards of hushed voices and vague portraits and feel banished from life herself?
Eikasia: Tributaries Page 4