“You don’t get to throw your life away, and you sure as fuck don’t get to run to Lucifer to get back at me, little girl,” he growled.
“I didn’t run to anyone, and I don’t need him to get back at you. I spilled my fucking heart out to you and you threw it away as if it wasn’t worth your fucking time. What happened, Lucian? I submitted and wasn’t a challenge to you anymore? Or was it because I had the balls to admit what I felt for you? You know what? I don’t even care anymore. I was here, patrolling as the coven asked me to, he showed up, and I used what I had to stall him to save my people. I appeased his fucking ego to survive.
“You think I have anything to get back at you for? I couldn’t care what you think of me, not anymore. I know this might be hard to understand, but my world doesn’t revolve around you. My sun doesn’t set behind your fucking bed, and it sure as hell doesn’t rise in your eyes. You walked away from me, and I’m okay with your choice. You and he both need to leave me out of your fucking games. I’m done being used by both of you. Find someone else to destroy; there’s nothing left of me you can hurt anymore,” I whispered as I pushed past him and exited the cabin. “Fall in,” I demanded as I ignored the stares of pity as everyone watched us start back to the club.
“Lena,” Spyder growled as he moved to join us as we started out of the clearing.
I made it almost to the tree line before Lucian materialized in front of me from thin air. I slammed against his chest and growled as the darkness escaped in my anger. My black gaze lifted to his and power pulsed through me.
“You’re done for today,” he whispered as he watched me with something akin to disappointment in his stare. “He’s still out there.”
“You’re not the one calling the shots anymore, not in my world,” I warned. “If you think that, because you house the covens in your club, you hold any power over me, you’re wrong. I can turn my humanity off, I can shut it down and I won’t feel anything for you or them. So let me go, Lucian. You made it clear where you stood when you walked out the other morning. I’m smart enough to take it as it is and walk away, so let me.”
“Put the darkness away before you end up hurting yourself,” he warned. “You’re not scaring anyone here like you do the others.”
“No, I wouldn’t. Your heart is as black as your soul. It’s as black as mine has become, and you really have to stop thinking I do anything for you. This, this is for me so I’m numb. I don’t feel you anymore. Like this, you can’t hurt me.”
His gaze searched my face and his hand left my flesh. “Is that why you chose to go dark?” he murmured.
“You think I’d do this for you?”
“Why else?” he muttered as he stepped closer, inches away from me. I felt his heat; his earthy masculine scent filled my senses, and I swallowed against the groan that lodged in my throat from needing to touch him.
“Because someone I loved was in danger and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to protect those I love,” I stated, hating that unshed tears shone in my gaze as I stared him down.
“And what if you had to push them away to save them, Lena? Would you do it to protect them?” he murmured as his hand lifted and his finger trailed slowly down my cheek. “Even if it was the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?”
“Yes,” I replied at his cryptic meaning. I scanned his face before I stepped away from him, turning on my heels to leave him and his fucking riddles. “Let’s go,” I said as I felt the others closing rank around my back and we ignored the others who watched as we left the clearing to slink back into the woods as we made our way home, to Club Chaos. Not that they left us alone. Instead, they trailed after us to ensure we made it back.
I walked into the club and searched out my grandmother and mother. Once I’d found them I pulled them aside.
“I need your help,” I uttered as my heart hammered wildly against my chest.
“What’s wrong?” my grandmother asked as she placed her hand on my shoulder.
“I need you to run a test on me,” I whispered so low I wasn’t sure they’d hear it.
“What sort of test, Lena?” my mother queried, her voice just as soft.
“A pregnancy test,” I answered as unshed tears threatened to fall.
Chapter 33
We had found a room that allowed the privacy needed to run the magical pregnancy test. I paced the floor as I waited for them to finish with their part. I couldn’t have a child now, not after I’d turned dark. Dark children were banned, as Benjamin had been. If I was pregnant, I’d have to leave to have the child. I’d be alone raising a child of God-knew-what species. I had no idea what Lucian really was, and that only added to the stress of what could happen, or what would happen.
“Magdalena, calm down,” my mother instructed softly as I growled as the idea of being knocked upped forced the dark magic to the surface. I turned on my heel, staring at her and watched as she shrunk back away from me.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I struggled to keep it at bay.
“It takes time to get used to…seeing you as such,” she mumbled as she stepped closer to her mother. “You said Lucifer told you this was true? That you were carrying Lucian’s child?” she asked.
“He whispered it into my ear, yes,” I admitted as I watched my grandmother pour the ink into the sand inside the stone bowl used to determine pregnancy. Once she’d finished, I stepped up to it and held my hand out for the small delicate dagger that was used to pierce skin for the blood of the woman being tested.
“Lena, if you’re pregnant…” My grandmother’s words trailed off.
“I’ll be shunned,” I answered. “My child will be removed from the line, and any trace of him will be removed. I know the laws,” I muttered.
“No, not with the changes we’ve made. It was considered that some of the chosen could have conceived before they’d turned. We ruled that those who have will not be removed, nor their child. However, there will be no record of the birth. With Lucian being the father, though, with us not knowing what he is, there is danger in it. The unknowns are always the hardest to foresee playing out.”
“There’s the seer,” my mother said from where she’d begun to pace behind me.
“The seer was dead. She’s been dead a very long time. Long before you were even born, mother. Her name was Brenna MacTavish, born in the 1800s. Her husband’s name was Drake, Drake Vanderbilt. He left her to die alone in that cabin with her unborn child. She left journals. When we found her remains, it had chords tied from the wall to her corpse. Each one contained a magical charm. Someone else controlled her, but when we touched the chords, Lucifer showed up.”
“Drake Vanderbilt?” my mother gasped as she moved to the couch and sat down. “It would have to be one of his ancestors.”
“Unless he is immortal,” I replied, frowning as my mother covered her mouth with her hands. “You wouldn’t have known otherwise. It’s not easy to know what someone is, trust me,” I said, comforting her since I was in the same boat.
“I took you to that seer, Lena. I took Benjamin to her, what if he wasn’t bad? What if I gave him to that monster and he wasn’t bad?”
“Benjamin is dark,” I confirmed. “I don’t pretend to know why they wanted him sent away, but I do know he is dark. They wanted us to think she was real, that she was there to help the coven this entire time. I released her soul; her only warning was about Drake, but she vanished as Lucifer showed up and couldn’t tell me anything. I brought her journals back with me for the coven to look through. Maybe there is something inside them that will ease your guilt.”
“And you, you’re dark too!” she accused as she stood up and backed towards the door. I didn’t argue it or point out that I hadn’t fully accepted the darkness inside of me. The crystals had slowed it down, forcing it to remain dormant inside of me. I’d fought it hard when I’d first left Metaline Falls. I’d discovered information via the web
and tried several things before I’d placed the crystals of purity into my flesh at every point that cast magic. “You could be with them, filling us full of lies, Lena. How can we trust you when you did this?” Her hands indicated all of me, as if all of me had turned against her.
“Fiona, calm down right now. She’s bound her life to ours in protection. She’s your daughter!”
“Is she? Because lately I don’t even recognize her anymore,” she cried as she left the room, slamming the door behind her.
“She didn’t mean that,” my grandmother mumbled as she stared at me with regret.
“Yes, she does,” I laughed soundlessly. “I hardly recognize myself anymore, either. I used to have it together. I knew what I wanted, and now everything is falling apart. Kendra is distant, and she refuses to speak to me now at all. Mother is right, I’ve changed.”
“We all have,” she huffed as she slipped her hand through mine. “Evolution does that to us; we adapt to what this world throws at us. The Fitzgeralds have withstood the test of time, but now we have one who carries the devil’s bastard, and another who is standing tall as she learns her fate. The women of this family have always held to the laws, but those laws often change because the world is always evolving. Now, let’s get this over with so I can go calm your mother.”
I held out my hand as it trembled. The knife sliced through my palm and I held my hand over the stoneware and made a fist, squeezing it into the dish. My heart leapt to my throat as we waited for the lines to move. The blood turned black, slowly combining with the ink inside the dish. It separated into a web, splitting and twisting until two vines moved, and I held my breath. The potion hardened, turning to a sand like substance, and the thick black blood branched off, and then stopped as the other continued to move.
“No,” I cried as tears formed in my eyes, running down my cheeks. “No, it’s wrong. It has to be, do it again!” I demanded breathlessly as my throat constricted and my stomach flipped as I stared down at the time sand, which refused to move.
“Dear Gods,” Grandmother whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek. Pain gripped my heart, as if someone had a fist tightening around it. She lifted the dish and shook it, and once more, the line refused to move. “No, oh, please, no,” she said as she set it down and tried to touch me.
I jerked my hand away from her as I lifted the dish and smashed it upon the floor. “No, no, that’s not fair! Not after everything I’ve been through.”
“We can help you, there has to be a way,” she whispered through mumbled words as she tried to hide her fears.
“No one else is to know, do you understand me?” I demanded.
“Lena, he’s the father. He may know how to help us.”
“He can’t know, ever. It is my right to withhold it; it’s my right, Grandmother. No one is to know; it doesn’t leave this room. Nothing that was revealed is to leave this room.”
“I can’t stop it alone,” she whispered as she wiped at the tears.
“No one can stop it, you know that. Fate can’t be changed, only altered, but in the end, it comes and you damn well know it. This stays between us. No one can change it, there’s no reason for them to even know. You know as well as I do that if the sands say it is going to happen, it will.”
I moved to the door, blindly leaving the room as tears fell. I rushed through the hallway, ignoring Spyder, who paused as I passed him. I didn’t want to see anyone. How could the Gods be so cruel? How could I be carrying Lucian’s child after I’d made a choice to save people I cared about? He’d said numerous times that he couldn’t have children, and yet here I was, pregnant with his child.
Once in the main room, I pushed through the crowd, ignoring my mother as she called my name over the music. I didn’t stop until I was inside the bedroom with the door closed. I slid down it until my ass touched the ground and my head leaned back, resting against the door. I hugged my knees as tears fell unchecked until my body trembled as I screamed with frustration.
I wasn’t an idiot. No child born of darkness would be accepted by the coven, no matter how much my family tried to make it otherwise. It would be no better than being born with leprosy.
Why me?
What sort of fucked up shit had I ever done to deserve this?
I pushed off the floor and headed to the bathroom, tearing my clothes off as I stared in the mirror at my stomach. I didn’t look pregnant, but then I’d missed my period twice now, which of course I’d blamed on stress. My hands slid over it, closing my eyes as I imagined what a child of his would look like. Would it have its father’s eyes, or mine? What would it be other than half of me? I glared at my reflection, knowing it was my fault. I’d been careless. I’d been so hyped on his fucking addictive kiss that I’d thrown caution to the wind once he’d said he couldn’t have children.
Turning on the water, I pulled out rose petals and dried lilacs before tossing them into the water. I sat on the edge of the tub, dipping my fingers through the water as the flowers swirled and I became lost in my thoughts.
Could I willingly bring a child into a world like this? What if everything Benjamin had said came to pass, or was true? With the world as it was, with the gates to the worlds opening, could I bring a defenseless being into this mess? Lucian would protect it, wouldn’t he? I mean, he’d have to, right? I stood up and slowly stepped into the tub.
I was pregnant. I was having his baby. We’d created life together, and he’d never know it. He didn’t need to, not with all of the cards falling into place, not with everything Benjamin had said would happen, happening. The sand was never wrong, ever.
I slid beneath the water, letting it fill my lungs until it burned. I stared up at the ceiling, watching the petals as they floated into my line of sight and out of it. Emotions ebbed and flowed like the ocean, crushing down on me until I sat up, sputtering as I coughed up the water.
The pregnancy was the least of my worries according to the sands, and I didn’t dare to think of it. Not now, not ever. The coven came first, it always had. I’d been immature when I’d returned to town, but sometime during coming home, and everything that happened. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to hold my child in my arms, to feel its heart beating against mine.
I wanted to create life.
Fate was fickle at best, but this…this was a nightmare that I knew I wouldn’t awaken from. The coven needed refuge. The Guild wasn’t ready to house them yet, and even though Synthia had offered to take some, we all knew they couldn’t accommodate the masses. It needed the witches, we needed the shelter from the storm that was brewing as the gates of the other worlds began to open, letting even worse creatures into this one.
If we were going to stand a chance at winning, we had to combine forces, which meant they would need to start moving witches to it as it was finished. They didn’t have the numbers to fight yet, but we did. Together, maybe we could make a difference. This world needed us, even if we hid in the shadows. We kept the balance of magic alive through the bloodlines; we meant something.
It didn’t matter what fate was throwing at me, I’d find my own way around it. My grandmother had to remain unbiased; she had to think of the greater good. Humans were dying by the handful every minute that ticked by.
I rinsed off and wrapped a towel around me before strolling into the bedroom with puffy eyelids. I felt his power filling the room and peered into the shadows, watching as Lucian stepped forward.
“You want to explain what is going on?” he purred as his gaze slowly slid down my body.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I countered as I moved to my bags, which I’d packed once he’d left the room. His eyes didn’t miss a beat; he zeroed in on them and a dark brow lifted.
“Going somewhere?” he asked.
“Preferably to a room that doesn’t carry your scent,” I answered as I withdrew a pair of joggers and a tank top. “You shouldn’t
have to give up your room, and I’m sure there’s somewhere else I can be moved to.”
“You’re not going anywhere. I like you in my room, Lena,” he said in a hoarse tone before he rolled his shoulders and spoke again. “What’s upset you?” he asked as he moved closer.
“And why would you think I’m upset?” I returned, irritated that it was written on my face from the red puffy eyes to the fat lip that I’d bitten so hard that it bled.
“You don’t cry in crowded rooms. You hold it in. You just ran through the entire club crying, Lena. So what has you so upset?” he asked softly.
“I’m fine,” I stated as I moved into the bathroom, dismissing him as coldly as he’d been dissing me. I didn’t see him for days, and now he seemed to be everywhere again.
I slipped on my panties and stared at the mirror as I imagined growing round with his babe inside of me. I shoved the image away, burying it as I finished dressing for bed. I pulled the tank top on and dried my hair, exiting the bathroom to find him sitting in the chair with his elbows resting on his knees as he stared me down.
“Do you need something?” I asked.
“I’m not leaving until you tell me what the fuck is going on with you,” he growled low and pointedly.
“I can’t add to my bloodline now,” I lied.
“Kendra is carrying on your line,” he said softly.
“Kendra is carrying Lucifer’s child,” I countered coldly, accusation tainting my tone. “You think they’ll give it our name?”
“Lucifer was an angel at one time, now he’s fallen. It doesn’t mean his child will be evil, Lena. It’s only a child.”
“And what about you, Lucian? Do want children?”
“No, never,” he snapped angrily. “I told you, I cannot have them, and therefore have never wished for one.”
“You should go, I’m tired,” I replied evenly, somehow managing not to break down into tears.
“Would it matter if I did?” he asked.
“No, not for me,” I stated slowly as I watched him stand and shove his hands into his pockets. “What we had is broken, so if you are thinking to fix it…”
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