by CC Monroe
“I know. Relax and breathe. You're safe with me.”
“I hate myself! I hate myself!” she screams, and I cover her mouth with my hand, hushing her with my lips against her ear.
“We will get through this. I promise. You need to calm down.” I squeeze her tighter around her stomach, kissing her shoulder repeatedly.
Deep, heaving breaths stream from her chest, and her heart rate can be felt against my lips on her neck.
In this moment, I make it my very goal in life to make sure she never goes back to him, even if that means locking her in a damn tower. Kate will be under my care for as long as she’ll have me.
Chapter Three
Kate
“Has it always been music for you?” I whisper against Eric’s chest. I’m laid out on top of his long, well-built, rock-star physique. He’s thin but with definition. His hair is dark-brown and stands straight up, the gel still keeping it together just enough after our three rounds of lovemaking.
His green eyes find mine, and he smiles knowingly as his hands travel through my hair. I met Eric just a few weeks back, and this is the first time I’ve seen him truly sober. He’s fresh in his sobriety, and it’s a delight, a rare vision seeing him so aware and alert and open to me.
Eric was only supposed to be a fling. A rock star who would literally rock my world and be a memory for years to come, after I settle down with the boy next door and a white picket fence. He would be the man I fantasized about while under my CPA husband as he grunts his orgasm and leaves me without one.
It was the truth, but then I fell down a rabbit hole, dark, windy, and twisted. Because his touch was electrifying. It had me falling in love fast, so fast I couldn't see the darker sides so clearly through the fog of it all. Eric is an addict. A true addict. Cocaine, heroin, and a few more. So when he is gone, he’s gone. But just as bad as it can be when he’s on a bender, it’s amazing when he’s sober.
“I use music as another addiction, Kate.” I nod knowingly, letting him continue. “When I was younger, my dad’s albums kept me sane. That and the few clothes I had were all I carried with me from foster home to foster home.”
“What happened in those homes?” I take a leap of faith and test the waters, not knowing how he will respond to me. Eric never tells me exactly from where his addiction sprang. But I can only imagine just how deep the web is woven.
He takes a deep breath in and releases it a few moments later, the sound loud in this still room.
“Terrible fucking things, Kate. Terrible. And I won’t poison you with those memories.”
I kiss his chest and shake my head. “Please open up to me. Please tell me what happened. Help me know you better. Help me understand the man I love.” The last part slips out, and I can’t swallow it back up.
His eyes go blank and his mouth in a deep line, almost as if he’s angry. “You can’t love me. It’s impossible.”
I gulp as the words vibrate in his chest I’m lying on. I feel them move through me, and it causes a chill to rush down my spine. “I just said it, and I know I feel it. So obviously it is possible.”
“A mistake.” He runs his hands up my neck and into my hair, bringing his lips to my forehead. “A huge mistake I just might fall in love with one day.”
My heart thumps in my chest and climbs my throat, my eyes growing wet.
“You think you can love me one day?” I whisper, peering up and kissing his chin.
“I wouldn't be here if I sure as fuck didn't want to be, baby.”
I fall deeper. Thankful for his kind words and his strength to attempt sobriety. I think he just may be changing.
§
“Eric!” I wake with a jolt, his name falling from my lips in a pained cry. I cried myself to sleep after Nick and I fought. I’m such a naïve fool to have done what I did to him, practically trying to seduce him during my vulnerable state. What is the matter with me? Sure, I lust over Nick, but Eric is still my boyfriend. He is still the Judas I cling to.
I should be disgraced and do my best to avoid Nick after what I did.
Once the sweat starts to dry on my skin and the night outside seems to slow back down, I realize I’m in his guest room, but I’m by no means alone. I feel him before I see him. Across the room in the chair in the corner, Nick sleeps. I can only see the outline of him from the high moon outside. I keep my eyes on him, trying to find my center after my dream. I always dream of the beautiful moments Eric and I shared, but those dreams are not the everyday truths. I live in picturesque dreams of when we are good, but every day, I watch him battle his demons like a nightmare.
The air grows far colder than what it actually is, a side affect from the chill in my spine. The memories creeping in of all the darkness inside our relationship—or what was a relationship. I can’t stop the shivers the coldness accompanies, and there is only one person who can hush the loud noises of the night. Crawling from the bed in nothing but my small crop top and black lace panties, I climb into his laps and let the tears fall. He shifts and slowly wakes, adjusting to his surroundings. He notices me and instinctively wraps his arms around my body.
Nick is shirtless, and his warm skin heats me up enough to stop the tremors as my tears dampen his chest. “You are going to be okay, kitten. I promise.”
“You don’t know me like I thought you did.”
He puts his lips at the top of my head, and whispers, “Don’t say things like that. They hurt me.” He shows his weakness.
“I’m not strong enough to overcome this. I lost myself years ago.”
“No, you didn’t. You just buried her. And you know what they say about dirt.”
“I do?”
“It’s messy and it’s hard to climb out of, but it ain’t cement, and that’s the shit you can’t come out of.”
I chuckle a bit. “Did you make that up?” I peer up at him, my chin resting on his tattooed pec.
“It made you laugh,” he says with a simper.
“It did,” I concede.
We lock eyes and barely blink as we search each other in the moonlight. “I know I need to leave him. I’m ready to do it,” I admit the one thing that shatters my heart most.
Nick looks relieved and releases a breath he’s held onto for what seems like years. “What made you feel strong enough to announce that?” he questions softly, cradling my face in his calloused hand.
“There is salvation in your eyes, and it shows me no other way out but to end it.”
He lets out a low growl, almost as if to cover a whimper. “If you only knew what I saw in your eyes.”
“I’m not ready to know.” I stop us before we even begin.
I have feelings for Nick. But my heart is still occupied by the love I had for the last four years. I can’t give in when I’m vulnerable, feeling afraid and used. I have to say goodbye to Eric first, and then I have to find Kate again. Me again.
“You aren't ready for that anyway. I won’t be your runner up, or your heartbreak fix. I’ll be your last, Kate Beckett, but it will be your best love yet.”
My heart severs down the middle. I crave that kind of love from him, but Eric deserves my goodbye, and I deserve a goodbye first.
But will I actually say goodbye this time?
Chapter Four
Nick
“Ben, here’s your water.” Handing Ben a bottle, I step back out of shot from the interview being filmed of him and the band. My back and neck are stiff from sleeping in the chair, and the bags under my eyes are a dead giveaway I didn't sleep much last night. I don't know what’s going on with Kate and me. Worse, I have no idea if she really means what she says when she promises to leave Eric.
I’m her peacekeeper. Her safe haven. No way can she act on her feelings for me, especially when she’s still with Eric. I just look like everything she wishes Eric would be, and that’s both a shitty place to be and a dream. I want Kate, beyond what is healthy or normal. I need her. But we can’t, and I can’t. Not until I’m the only one possessi
ng her thoughts. Not until she can obsess over me as much, or better yet, more than she does with Eric.
I don’t get what she sees in him. I can’t understand her connection or strong ties to Eric. Any other woman who would be used and cheated on every day—openly, I might add—would leave, but not my kitten. She holds onto her love with bonds so unbreakable a force field of storms, wars, and heartbreak would have to commence in order to break them.
I left Kate a little bit better than the condition she was in yesterday. She ate some breakfast, not a lot, but some, and we spent the morning making small talk about moments we’ve shared together. It was an escape for her, and a history lesson of our friendship that’s held damn near sacred to me. We even talked about the day we met. The first time I saw Kate and every moment after that felt just like a fresh start. For the first while that I knew her, she was comical, a smartass, so vivacious people would stop to watch her carelessly in action. Her laugh was strong, echoing through any room, and her presence was radiant. Knocking me on my ass many times. But after each year passed, she lost a part of her, each of those traits slowly dissipating.
But in that downfall, our friendship grew stronger. She grew dependent on me, and I appreciated it. As selfish as that sounds, I did. I was proud to be her soundboard, her shoulder to cry on, her secret keeper, her heartbreak scorekeeper. That sounds wrong, vile even, but it’s true. We grew closer, and I found a place wedged in between her and Eric.
I know it. Our situation is fucked. Up.
“That’s a wrap. Thank you, gentlemen. It was great sitting down with you.” The interviewer interrupts my thoughts, and I watch JJ, Jason, and Ben all stand. We found a replacement for the lead guitarist position, but the band hasn't met him yet.
“Anytime. Thanks for having us,” JJ says, and he and Jason start walking out toward the parking garage as Ben comes to me to get his phone. I hand him back his coffee as I take his now empty water and toss it in the trash. He keeps his eyes focused on texting Sadie, and I stay silent, my thoughts drifting back to wondering if Kate is with Eric. I tried my best not to text her, but my palms are twitching, and with that thought, I end up giving in.
Pulling out my phone, I shoot her a quick text.
Me: Did everything go okay? Are you all right, kitten?
“When do I get to meet the new guitarist?” Ben asks, tucking his iPhone in his back pocket.
“This afternoon, at the studio. His name’s Jep.”
“JJ, Jason, and Jep. We sound like a good start to a ’70s rock band. Ben and the three Js. I’m sensing a theme here.”
I smirk. “Well, we couldn't let anyone come in with another name. It would steal some of your spotlight.”
“Fuck off, dipshit. How’s Kate?” he inquires as we step outside, where the black SUV is already waiting for us. Over the past four years, The Roes has grown exponentially, amassing success with album sales in the multimillions, selling out arenas like Madison Square Garden, and gaining much more attention from fans and paparazzi. So now, we have to have quick getaways to avoid the masses.
“She’s all right. She told me she was going to end it with Eric today, but we know how that usually ends up.” My stomach drops as I say this, because I’m afraid Kate will change her mind again. Just like every other time.
“I called Eric yesterday. He said he’s going to check himself into rehab.”
I turn my head fast, gawking at Ben as he looks out the window as he says this. He’s completely unfazed. It catches the attention of JJ and Jason; I can see them in my peripherals as they stare from the third-row seating behind us.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I drop my head in my hands, losing myself in front of the guys.
“Yeah, I told him I couldn't be around him, and he knows he’s losing the band and Kate, so he said this was it, that he’s going to get sober this time.”
“Fuck,” I whisper. My head flies up, and I tell the driver to get me to Kate’s address. “You’ll have to record without me tonight. I need to get to her.”
“Nick, it’s useless. She’s not going to listen. He’s got his claws in deep.”
“Not deeper than mine,” I admit, my knee bouncing in time with my rising anxiety.
“What?” Jason asks from the back.
I’ve never told anyone how I feel about Kate, or how Kate feels about me. I know it’s there, deep down in the places she doesn't understand yet, because no one has loved her like I can. In the places Eric has never even seen or touched. Ben is the only one who’s ever caught on.
“You have feelings for Kate.” It’s not a question; it’s a confirmed observation.
“I have since the day Ben had me pull her and Sadie backstage,” I admit, remembering that night and mentally kicking myself for not telling her what was on my mind then.
§
“Ladies.” The two blondes turn to the sound of my voice, and I jolt back, my heart jackhammering out of my chest. The tall blonde, still shorter than me, with her legs thin and going on for days, catches my attention. Her hair is long and curled, shaping her face that has so many beautiful freckles I could kiss each one, all the way down to her full lips. When she smiles, that tiny gap between her teeth steals my breath. She’s stunning, different from the rest of the women I’ve seen crawl around Ben’s stage at night.
She’s not just anybody; she’s a different breed of woman, and I want to reach out to touch that exquisiteness. But she’s young, nineteen maybe, and I’m thirty-six and far from the type she probably likes. I’m sure the boys in the band are more her flavor, and I just have to bite my tongue and stop my twitching palm from touching her.
“I’m Nick, the tour manager for The Roes. Ben wanted me to come find you girls and bring you backstage for a meet and greet. You interested?” I check over the beautiful blonde that Ben is planning to get into his bunk tonight, and she gives an unsure smile. But when I find my green-eyed beauty again, her lip is caught between her teeth and there’s a spark in her eye.
I bet she sees me as a way to get her hands on one of the rock stars, further muting me from blurting out all the things I could do to her, if it were my bunk she crawled into tonight.
“Hell yeah!” she exclaims, her laugh and loud, smooth voice awakening the beast in me.
She’s a fucking dream, and I don't get to have it.
§
I watched her then, the rest of the night, as she grew intimate with Eric. And since that moment, my brow hasn't unfurled, and my hand is still tight at my side. For years, I’ve held a torch for the woman who slipped through my fingers. But not anymore. I won’t let her go back to someone who won’t ever see her the way I do. Like a goddess.
“I’ve watched her love someone else for years, and I can’t be that man anymore. I need to be her story.”
“But like this? You want to swoop in and be her rebound?” Ben finally interjects.
“It’s not like that. She loves him, but she can be in love with me.”
JJ and Jason don't say a word, and I know they’re shell-shocked by this discovery. We’re now only minutes away from Kate, and the closer we get, the deeper this pit in my stomach gets. But it’s something else, not fear Eric convinced her to come back, not a sense of jealousy, but more like a sense of urgency. As if something is wrong.
Just then, Ben’s phone rings, and Sadie’s name appears on the screen. He answers it with his eyes still on me, and I hear the faint sound of Sadie panicking on the other end.
“Hold on, angel mine. Slow it down. Where are you? Where is Kate?”
Her name sticks to me like glue, and I grab the phone from him. “Sadie, what’s going on?”
I hear her tears first before she speaks. “I came with Kate so she could grab some more of her things. She asked… asked me to be th-there to help her,” she stutters as we pull up outside Eric and Kate’s place. I see cops, and I see Sadie standing outside, shaking as she cries into the phone. Before the SUV parks, Ben and I are already jumping out of th
e slow-moving vehicle.
“Baby! What happened?” Ben is on her, placing his hands on her face and looking her over as if she were hurt.
“Where is Kate?” I follow up with an immediate question, looking around for her.
“I waited in the car like she asked, and after a few minutes, I saw a group of men dressed in all black with masks come running out of her apartment. I panicked and called 911 as I ran up the stairs. I found her tied up and her face bloody. They robbed her and tied her up. They were looking for Eric when she walked in on them ransacking the place.”
I stop listening and bound up the stairs, on a mission. The second I round the corner and spot her talking to some officers, I see it in her eyes. I see the fear. And when they meet mine, she begs me to come to her.
I do, wrapping her up tight in my embrace.
“What happened, baby?” I growl, unable to hide the emotion from my voice.
“I was so afraid.” That’s all she gets out before she breaks down in complete hysterics.
My eyes turn black, and vengeance grows in my consciousness.
§
Kate
Thirty minutes earlier…
I will be strong today.
I will end what is hurting me the most.
I will not be weak anymore.
I repeat this as we pull up outside my apartment that I’ve shared with Eric for the past three years. Nightmares have transpired in this place all while love has blossomed on the days where we both forgave and tried to come out of the bad places.
But no matter what happens, I know we’re both scared of being something that could work. We bring out the worst in one another. I become weak, and he chases his days and nights with drugs and other women. I can’t lose any more than what I already have, and part of this means I have to end us. The worst parts of me want to love Eric, and they do, but the good parts in me want to let him go. My wires are all crossed, and finally I’m untangling them before it causes more damage. But really, all the damage is already done.