by CC Monroe
I lunge from the bed and hurry to make it to the trashcan in the corner of the room before I spill my guts. The bathroom is too far, and there is no stopping this. I let the prior night’s poor choices empty from me, my stomach hurting with an ache I’ve never felt before. My entire body feels weak and damp from sweat. The alcohol I consumed last night was enough to take out a horse, and now my body is revolting.
I move my hair to the side and take a few deep breaths, my dry heaving slowly dissipating. Once I’m in the clear, I fall back against the wall, my head hung low in utter shameful embarrassment with a side dish of regret. I went too far last night with everyone in my circle. Sadie. Ben. Nick… my best friends. I told him it was his fault. I blamed him for everything that happened between Eric and me. My last attempt at making sense of why I stayed for all these years. Because God forbid I own up to it being all my fault.
I hurt him. I know this, because those eyes told me so. So much devastation lay behind those beautiful green eyes as I tore him limb from limb. Once he threw me in the shower, I sobered up, and I swear I saw a mirrored reflection of my own self-loathing and heartache. I’m Nick’s Eric. He has waited beside me for years as I’ve gone through all this bullshit. I let him hurt and break and disintegrate in my hands until there was nothing but broken glass. Literally, when he smashed the mirror in Ben and Sadie’s bathroom, I watched those pieces tumble to the ground and saw myself through Nick’s eyes.
I’m a beaten-down, broken shell of a woman who needs to find something I can’t quite figure out or give a name to. I need to begin the stages of healing and forgiving. I’m so mad at myself, a close feeling to pure hatred lingering in me. I hate who I’ve become, and I know now—especially after watching the man who has become my greatest treasure fall apart—that I have to learn to let go and find the Kate I was before I was Eric’s Kate.
My body breaks out in cold shivers, my temperature going from scorching-hot to icy-cold in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, a sharp pain rips through my stomach, and I scream out. Instinctively, my mind and body and soul yell out the name of the person it seeks most.
“Nick! Nick!” I scream, holding my stomach, the pain so strong I swear there is some sort of creature trying to tear me apart from the inside out. Within seconds, I hear his heavy feet coming down the hall, and he swings open the door.
“Kitten, what happened?” He’s kneeling in front of me before I have time to even blink. Cupping my face, he lifts my eyes to his. “Baby, what’s going on?” He tries to get me to speak, and I shake my head, unable to push past the pain to form a sentence.
“I’m taking you to the hospital. Ben!”
Ben and Sadie enter the room a brief moment later.
“Oh my God! Is she okay? Kate!” Sadie’s southern drawl echoes through the room.
“I think she has alcohol poisoning. Ben, get the car started, and Sadie, help me find her some pants to put on.”
I notice then I’m only in a man’s T-shirt.
“Okay. Yeah, I can do that.” Sadie panics, trying to stay calm, but her jerky movements betray her. They move around the room, getting me pants and shoes, slipping them on before Nick cradles me in his arms and carries me out to the car. The pain is slowly going away, but I feel the need to vomit rise again.
“Bag. Someone. Bag.” I still can’t fully form a sentence, so I do my best to warn them.
“Fuck, Sadie, sweetie, pass me that bag by your feet. Dump out the stuff I bought. Hurry.” She follows orders and gets him the bag fast. “Here you go, kitten. Let it out. I have you,” Nick whispers, swooping my hair from my face as I so very unladylike and unattractively vomit for the second time.
I appreciate that no one in the car has commented on me clearly being a basket case. At least I know it, and I plan to take full responsibility for it.
“Good job, baby. It’s okay. We’re almost there.”
I nod, holding my stomach, unable to focus on much of anything else.
“Shh. It’s going to be all right. I won’t let this hurt you anymore.” His words are loud enough for all of us to hear, but Ben and Sadie keep their eyes forward, doing their best to give me a bit of privacy. I nod against his lap, holding my stomach, breathing labored but turning to light shallow breaths, then turning to quiet whimpers.
“We’re here, come on.” He helps me up, and Sadie jumps out to bring a wheelchair. My legs are too wobbly, and if Nick has to carry me again, he may just wear my next vomit-fest. He gets me checked in and everything filled out while Ben finds me water, and Sadie holds me in her arms from where she sits next to me. I have my head on her shoulder, and she has both arms wrapped tightly around me, surging comfort into me.
“Sadie, I’m such a fucking mess. I’m so sorry. I really am.”
“It’s okay, babe. I’m used to it.” She smiles, and I feel it where her cheek rests on my forehead. I have always been a pain in her ass, but her love is always unfailing.
“No, really. I have to have your forgiveness. I know it’s been a shitshow and I put you in the middle last night, and I’m sorry. Please say you forgive me.”
“Kate, there is nothing to forgive. We all hit dark places in our lives. It’s what makes us human. The Lord didn't make it easy. If he did, then what would we need faith and forgiveness for?” She uses her faith, and surprisingly, where I would usually make fun of her, I welcome it.
“I don’t want to be this person anymore, but I can’t do that alone. I need you,” I whisper.
“You have me, girl. Unfortunately, I made an oath to a foul-mouthed spitfire when we were eighteen. Promised to be friends forever. And you know how I feel about breaking promises.” We both laugh, and it feels good but just for a brief moment, because my stomach starts to hurt again.
“They will be right with us. You want Sadie to come back there with you?” Nick doesn't look at me. He’s too busy looking over the paperwork they have him filling out on my behalf.
In that moment, I see a chance to mend what I have so recklessly abused.
“No, I want you with me.” Sadie and I are airtight. We just confirmed it, and when I let her go, she gives me a reassuring nod as I turn my body toward Nick.
His eyes dart to mine, and he looks surprised. “You sure, kitten? I don't want you to feel overwhelmed.” He leans in, cupping my face adoringly, as if I just may break. How, after last night, he can be so patient and delicate with me is a mystery to me. But I will not complain. I need him. Desperately.
“Yes. Please don't say no. I need you by my side.”
“That’s the only place I want to be,” he says with such conviction that I believe he’s still with me. We almost became nothing last night, but he’s showing me there is something still left between us.
I nod, and just then, the nurse calls us back. Once we are seated in the room, me on the exam table and Nick standing against the wall just in front of me, the nurse takes my vitals, draws my blood, asks me a few questions, then lets us know the doctor will be back shortly. My stomach is still a little sore, the feeling coming and going sporadically.
Without any words, our eyes do all the talking. I feel him in every part of my broken pieces, and the intensity of our gazes is almost too much to take.
“Kitten, it’s okay.” He's on me then, taking my head and bringing it to his taut muscular chest. Even with a thick Henley on, I can feel his warmth as if it were his skin caressing mine. “I forgive you. I love you, Kate. So much.” I know he loves me. I love him. But the way he said it sounds so much deeper than just friends. He loves me. He is in love me in the way I am with him. Only difference is… I can’t say it. It’s not the time, and I’m not in the right place to reciprocate that love.
He deserves all of me. Not just the broken pieces. I bury my face in his chest, and he soothes me by rubbing my back and kissing the top of my head. We sit like this for a good amount of time. The room is filled with cries and apologies leading to forgiveness. We will talk about what was said later, but right
now, we just need to lean on one another.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, Mr. and Mrs. Beckett.” The doctor steps into the room, and we both decide not to correct him. I, however, poke Nick’s side, lightening the mood a bit. I find it hilarious that the man thinks we’re married.
“I have your rapid blood test back, and it seems you are dangerously dehydrated, and that isn't good for you nor the baby.”
“What?” Nick murmurs for me.
Wait a minute. Did he just say… baby?
No. That’s not right. He must have the wrong chart. Wait.
This isn't real.
I start to feel the vomit rising again. This has to be a sick joke.
“Nick?” I whimper, clinging to him and peering up into his tight face. He looks… devastated.
“My wife is pregnant.” He pushes past the bomb that was just dropped, still putting up the charade that I’m his wife. I, however, cannot function. I’m about to rip that stupid touchscreen iPad out of the doctor’s hand to confirm he’s looking at someone else’s chart.
“Yes, when was your last menstrual cycle?” That question is appointed to me.
“I—I… I….” I stop, unable to think, because I was just told I’m pregnant!
“Mrs. Beckett, we need to know so we can estimate how far along you are. We also want to do an ultrasound to make sure we still have a heartbeat. The pain could be attributed to the dehydration, but we can’t be sure. Did you not know you’re pregnant?”
I shake my head, one lone tear falling and hitting my hands in my lap. “No.” I’ve been so preoccupied with the catastrophes in my life that I didn't pay any mind to my missed period.
“Well, there are high levels of alcohol in your system. You must know that drinking while pregnant is not ideal nor healthy for the baby.” He isn't being pompous, just informative. I nod like a robot stuck in a trance. At this point, I’m just going through the motions.
“Yes, um… I just—I need a minute. Before we do the ultrasound.” I stand on shaky legs, nearly losing my balance, but I’m held steady by Nick’s strong hands.
“I need to use the restroom. I’m feeling sick.” I move then, barely making it to the trashcan. Seriously? Can a girl just get privacy and a toilet? I can’t catch a break today.
“Easy, kitten,” Nick coos behind me, moving my hair and rubbing soothing circles on my back. His touch is gentle, but my entire body is so overly sensitive that it nearly hurts, as if he’s scratching me.
“I can’t breathe. Nick, I can’t be pregnant.”
The doctor calls his nurse in and rattles off some orders on what to do to help me before he comes over beside Nick to help me up once the dry heaving has subsided. My dignity is out the window at this point, and the only thing left is shock and, I hate to admit it, shame. How could I have been so careless with my body, especially with Eric? We were spiraling, and yet I made a naïve, stupid choice to not use protection. One time. That’s all it took… one time.
“You need to lie back and get some rest. I would like to keep you overnight for observation. It’s just a precaution.” Moments ago, they thought I was going to be able to go home, but then I tossed my cookies so violently that I’m on lockdown. I look to Nick, who is now standing beside where I’m lying on the bed. He has his phone in his hand, rapidly typing something.
“We will be back in just a bit to take you to do an ultrasound.” Just like that, all the noise disappears, and the jarring feeling of grief and disbelief comes barreling in.
“Kate?”
I jump, forgetting I wasn't alone for just a brief second. It was so early quiet that it was easy to forget. I peer up slowly, my hands trembling out of my control. I don't know how to feel. I have no idea what to feel.
“Nick. What—”
“We will figure this out,” he cuts me off, but the harsh tone he takes indicates he feels just as confused, unsure, and possibly devastated.
“I’m pregnant,” I whisper, dropping my hands to my stomach. What if there’s no heartbeat? The words the doctor said come rushing back in.
“We won’t go there, Kate. The baby is healthy and fine.” He reads my mind.
“How will I tell Eric?” I swallow.
“Don’t worry about that right now. Let’s get you in for the ultrasound, and after the doctor confirms you’re doing just fine, you’re going to sleep.” There’s no room for arguing with him.
“Okay.” I drop my eyes back to my stomach. I have no clue how I really feel right now.
He doesn't say anything else, nor do I, but there is so much hanging in the balance. I don't know what this means for us, but I do know what it means for Eric and me.
Nothing.
I made a choice to leave, and I plan to stay true to that choice. Eric and I couldn’t make it work. We stopped being in love—well, I stopped being in love. I really don't know if Eric truly knew how to love me. But I made this choice for a reason, and as much as this throws a giant wrench into my spinning wheel going full speed down a gigantic hill, I won’t change my mind. We are reckless and dangerous for one another, and regardless of how I feel about this unplanned pregnancy, I won’t put my child through that.
The room is dark. The doctor hasn't said much; none of us have, actually. Nick nor me.
“All right, let’s see what we can find,” the doctor speaks, moving the tool over the chilled gel he has spread all over my lower abdomen. I squeeze my eyes shut and prepare for the worst news. A few painfully long seconds pass, and then the room fills with the faint sound of a heartbeat. A beautiful, gentle heartbeat.
It changes something in me. It erases everything and everyone from my mind, except for that soft noise of what I can only imagine heaven to sound like. Nothing matters but that subtle throb getting louder and louder the more he moves the tool around my abdomen. I choke out a sob, so faint it almost goes unheard. Nick, however, doesn’t miss it, and he drops his lips to my forehead, his hand getting lost in my hair atop my head as he bunches a handful into his grip. He doesn't cry, but I feel that relief in his long breath that he lets out after holding it for so long. Or the way he invades my senses with his touch, his smell, and his intimacy.
Nick told me my child would be okay, but that surety was all a bluff, and I see it because he drowns in the relief with me. “Nick. My God.” My bottom lip trembles, and my chest moves in rapid rises and falls that sync with my sobs.
The past forty-eight hours have overtaken me, possessed me, and brought me through all the emotions on the spectrum that a human can feel in a lifetime. But I felt them all in two short days. I realize I was no longer able to be in love with Eric. I’ve battled the feelings I have developed for Nick over the past few years. I broke my heart and said goodbye to a life I never knew would nearly destroy me, and then I hear life growing inside me. I finally feel life again after being lifeless for years.
Hate, loathing, happiness, heartbreak, relief, devastation, and peace. All these emotions ran deep within my soul in such a short time that my body physically shuts down, and at some point, I cry myself to sleep. Life will be there tomorrow. Telling Eric will come another day. Facing Nick and deciding what we are from here on out can wait for a new dawn. But right now, my body and my soul are drained empty, and I fall asleep the second they put me back in my room.
Chapter Eight
Nick
Kate is sleeping peacefully for the first time in what feels like years. She slept all through the night and is still asleep this morning, and I have no plans to wake her up. After we heard the baby’s heartbeat, she let go. She let the past four years slip from her grip, and years of exhaustion consumed her, and she fell asleep.
I would be afraid, maybe a little unsure that she would go back to Eric with this news, but as she looked at me when we heard the heartbeat, I knew that something changed in Kate. I saw a side of her that I have never seen before, even before Eric got his claws deep in her. There was a peaceful serenity.
The woman I love is pre
gnant, and if I were a young pup, it might have changed how I feel about her. But I’m not a boy. I’m a man, and I plan to stand beside her through it all. What it means for her and me—I don’t know, but I will be there to support her. I won’t let her be alone, even though she’s capable of being alone and independent, she doesn’t have to be, and I don’t want her to be.
I love Kate Beckett, and I will take her in all her forms.
I keep my eyes on her while she sleeps, her slightly parted lips giving me a view of that precious tiny gap between her teeth, and the faint sound of breathing leaves her. She looks beautiful, fucking breathtaking. My hand has held hers captive since we got back in here, and I kiss it for what will most likely be the nineteenth time. There is a rap on the door before it opens slowly.
“Nick? Kate?” Sadie's southern drawl softly fills the room as she walks in with Ben right behind her.
“Hey, guys, come in. She's out.” I give a soft chuckle.
“Oh good. She needs it. Is she really pregnant, Nick?” Sadie confirms. Her eyes gloss over as she rounds the other side of the bed and looks adoringly over Kate’s sleeping form. Our fragile, strong, and perfect Kate. It’s so easy to love her and feel content when she's finally in a restful, painless state.
“It’s been years since I’ve seen her so relaxed. I know she's sleeping, but that frown and pained face she always wore—even when she was asleep—is gone. God, thank you.” Sadie gives thanks, squeezing Kate’s hand with one of hers and her cross around her neck with the other.
“This changed her. I wish I could explain to you both what I saw when we heard the heartbeat. It was night and day,” I whisper, my eyes still fixated on my kitten.
“Been there. There is something about becoming a parent that instantly takes you over and flips you upside down and back upright,” Ben professes, squeezing Sadie's hips from where he’s taken his place behind her.
“Now what? What does this mean? You think she’s going to go back?” Sadie implores, that fear in her soft features.
“No. I don't, but I do know it isn't going to be a cake walk telling him. I have a feeling it’s going to be a shitshow, but I know she's got it.”