by CC Monroe
“I think it’s been a rough few weeks. We’re still in the thick of things, and you are just trying to get through it. Sometimes, we get a little lost and say and do things we don’t mean. Just talk to him. He’ll understand.” Sadie is always right, and her advice aligns with that.
“You’re right. I will. Once we check in, I’ll go talk to him. He probably won’t tell me what room he’s in, so will you and Ben find out and send me the number?”
“Sure thing.”
As I enter the lobby, Nick is just finishing up at check-in. He isn’t doing anything to hide his anger. Handing everyone their keys, he tells the band to meet in the lobby by 10 :00 a.m. Handing me my key, he surprisingly speaks to me. “If you need anything, text me or Sadie.”
I was hoping it was going to be something about the small fight we had, but it wasn’t, and before I can tell him that I’m sorry, he leaves and catches the elevator before it shuts.
“Good luck with that, kid,” Ben says.
Throwing my head back, I sigh. I messed up.
“Text me his room number when you get it, please?”
“Sure thing,” Sadie repeats, hugging me before I leave the elevator when it gets to my floor. My room is close to the elevators on the 9th floor, and when I step in, I’m greeted with a bed that looks like a cloud, and my body howls in appreciation. Bunks on the bus are far from ideal, and the idea of a real bed does sound and look wonderful.
Before the door even shuts, my phone chimes.
Sadie: Room 922. Be easy on him. And you. You’re both just stressed. You’ll work it out.
Me: I know. Thank you. Have a good night. Give Mel bug a kiss goodnight from me.
Sadie: Will do. Love you. Call me if you need me to come separate you two.
Me: I’m holding you to that. Night, Sister Christian.
Sadie: *Kisses*
Putting my bag down, I leave my room. I’m in room 912, meaning he’s just up the hall. Making my way there, I run over my apology in my head. Knocking, I wait.
“JJ, if you already got us kicked out, I’m going to beat your—” The door swings open, and Nick stops in his tracks as my eyes take in the sight. He’s shirtless, and his sweatpants are hanging low on his hips. How in the world does his body always look more defined each time I see it?
“Um, h-hey,” I stutter, putting my tongue back in my mouth. “Can I come in?”
Stepping aside, he lets me in without a word. The room looks just like mine, except there is something that wasn’t in my room, and suddenly my guilt multiplies. The room is covered in flowers, and there are two warm meals on the kitchen counter of his suite. He had this put together for me. That’s why he was so upset. Not only was what I said a real jerk of a move, but he had a nice evening planned for us.
“Nick—”
“Don't. What’s up, Kate?”
I turn, and he’s guarded, his arms crossed over his chest. “I’m sorry I said what I did. It was rude and not at all how I really feel.”
“Really? Then why say it, if it wasn’t how you feel?”
“I deserve that.” I sigh, stepping a little closer to him. “It’s been three weeks since everything happened, and…” I stop, looking around the room then to my hands knotted in front of me. I’m not sure how to tell him what I’m feeling without getting emotional, which isn’t what I want to do. I’ve had enough of my emotions these past few weeks for a lifetime. “It’s been three weeks since we lost him, and I’ve been trying to do all the things I need to cope and come to terms with life without him.”
“You still love him?” he interrupts me. Shooting my head up, I shake my head and peer into his piercing eyes.
“No. I mean… yes, I love him. I will always love him. But it's not that kind of love. It stopped being that kind of love long before he—” I choke. I hate saying this out loud. But to come to terms, I have to accept it. “—before he died. But I lost the father of my child, and I lost the man who I spent years trying to save and keep alive. And that isn’t a pill you can swallow quickly and easily.” I pause, stepping up to him, my front now inches from his.
There is this sudden feeling in the room, a need for him to feel what I’m saying. Not just hear it, but really feel it. “Nick, I love you, and I want to push you away, because the guilt of attempting to move on and be happy makes me feel like absolute garbage. How can I move on when he lost his life?”
The guard he out up the second I walked in crumbles. “Baby. Come here.” As he pulls me into his chest, I rest my cheek against the warm, muscular pec and cry.
“You don’t think I don’t want to lose myself in you and be surrounded by you? I do, but my guilt is far louder.”
“You can’t live with guilt over what happened. Eric didn’t die because of you.”
“I know, but he meant something to me. He held a part of me, still does, and what would that say if I just moved on?”
“Nothing. Just because you fall into my arms and lean on me doesn’t mean you’re spitting on his life. It means you care enough about him to let the man who loves you take care of you after you lost a loved one. You can’t lay in his ashes forever, Kate. He wouldn’t want that. The sober Eric. The good Eric. That man wouldn’t want you to suffer.”
I don’t know what to say to that. And I don’t attempt to say anything. Instead, I let those words take hold inside my mind.
Nick is right. I don’t have to move on from the loss just because I’ve moved on from the relationship. There is a difference, and maybe I need to live that knowledge. I’m highly aware of Nick and his closeness, his hard to my soft, his strength to my weakness. Turning my face into his chest, I kiss his tattoo of me. His warm skin collects my tears. I have to start somewhere in picking up the pieces of Eric’s death and my loss, and in this hotel room, in Nick’s arms, it feels like the right place to start.
“Did you do all this for me?” I step back when enough time of silence passes.
“Yeah, I wanted you to have a night not filled with a bunch of sweaty dudes and their conquests.”
I giggle. That’s exactly what the bus is like. JJ and Jason have someone new in almost every town. Sadie and I often joke that we can’t believe their dicks haven’t fallen off from jungle rot or an STD.
“Thank you. I would love to have dinner with you. If you’re not still mad at me.”
Stepping back, he places his hands on my neck, massaging the column with his thumbs lightly. “I wasn’t mad, Kate. I was worried. That’s all.”
Licking my dry lips, I nod in response. “Let’s eat.”
At first, we don’t really say much. Instead, I’m devouring the gourmet food like it’s the first and last meal I’ll eat. Turns out my little bean and I were starving. Nick ordered us a delicious cordon blu with a side of steamed veggies and mashed potatoes. I could eat three of these plates and still crave more.
“Like it?” he asks, watching me savagely attack the meal.
I take a sip of water and swallow my mouthful before replying. “Yeah, it’s amazing. This is the first thing I’ve eaten without wanting to vomit right away. Sadie wasn’t joking when she said morning sickness was brutal. I teased her and called her a softy. Insert foot in mouth.”
He laughs, sipping his water. “Yeah, it was pretty rough to watch. What can I do to help make you feel better?”
Is he really asking me that? As if the spread in this rooms isn’t enough. “Nick, this was perfect. I feel really good right now. Emotionally and physically,” I add. Truth be told, I’ve walked through fire, rain, and back into the blaze so much these past few months that I don’t think anything could ruin this rare safe moment with Nick.
I choose to allow myself to enjoy this. I ignore the guilt, the pain, and the internal pity party for once, and I won’t lie. It’s alluring.
“I can tell you are slowly starting to relax. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that,” Nick comments.
“You and I both. Sometimes I think about the Kate I was before
, and it seems like a whole other world.”
“I bet.”
I assess his face, noticing the hint of something behind his calm stare. “What?” I take a bite of potatoes.
“Nothing. Just thinking about when we first met.”
“Oh God. No. I was such a pill. I was so naïve and stupid.” Thinking back to my nineteen-year-old self, I practically cringe.
“No. You were a lot, yes. But stupid, no.”
Quirking a brow, I implore. “I was a lot, huh? How so?” My plate is nearly empty, and my stomach catches up, warning me that I’m full. Pushing the plate to the side, I place my elbows on the table and cross my arms in front of me. I can’t wait to hear what he has to say.
“Yeah. You drove me mad. You were loud, vivacious, and so damn risky. Sassy.”
“Really, and what? That was too hard for you to handle?” I tease, testing the waters, enjoying the back and forth.
“Yes. You did things sometimes that made me want to smack that ass of yours. You were always testing me and getting into trouble.”
I laugh sarcastically. “And yet you fell in love with me. Sounds like you were the mess.”
I expect him to laugh with me, maybe say something smart back, but his demeanor changes. Suddenly, he’s serious, his eyes trained on me. “No, I already loved you before I knew you were trouble.”
I swallow thickly. What does he mean he loved me before? I showed that wild side of me fairly early on in the game. Licking my dry lips and swallowing past the dry lump in my throat, I stutter, “When… when did you know you loved me, Nick?”
He scoffs. Looking at his glass of water, he drags his calloused finger through the condensation. “You don’t want to know.”
Don’t I though?
“Try me.”
Leaning forward, he mirrors my pose, crossing his arms on the table and honing in on me with a piercing gaze. “If I tell you that, you will do one of two things.”
“What… what are those?” I stutter again, the tension in the air growing thick. You could suffocate in the invisible cloud of desire surrounding us.
“Hmm… you will either think I’m crazy and leave this room with the knowledge that I’m mental over you. Or you and I won’t leave that bed until we’re forced to.” He tilts his head toward the king-sized bed, and I swallow, the noise audible.
“Tell me.” My voice is breathy, and my need for him is growing. Burning me from the inside out, from the tips of my toes to the hair on my head. I’ve fantasied about being with Nick for years, and the way he’s talking to me and dangling our lust in front of us has me growing needy and hungry. Especially combined with the memory of the orgasms he gave me all those weeks ago.
“The moment I saw you, Kate, I knew I was going to have you as mine. Whether you were going to be perfect or a beautiful disaster, I knew I wanted all of you.”
My breath hitches then releases on a moan.
“Make that fucking noise again, kitten, and I won’t be such a gentleman.”
“I don’t want you to be.” There is one thing I know I need more than anything right now, and that is to get lost in Nick. To let myself, allow myself to feel something real for the first time in years, and not just to numb the pain. Free from the guilt and the burden that I carry. Nick and I have lusted, desired, and ached to act on the feelings that were so blatantly there, and the first time wasn’t enough. I know I’m tired of hiding and running in the opposite direction.
“You want me?” We don’t break eye contact.
“Yes, I do. I don’t want to fight this anymore. Please,” I whisper.
“Come here.” He stands, and I do as he asks on shaky legs. Rounding the table, he bends and bands one muscular arm around my lower back, and his other hand cups my cheek possessively.
A breath of an inch between us, he rumbles deep in his chest, “Tell me it’s me you want. Tell me you’re ready for what this means.”
I gulp, but even in my hazy state, I don’t stutter with my next declaration. We made love not that long ago, but maybe he thought that was pity sex? Sad sex? Something to distract me sex? And maybe it was at the time. But now, Nick will never be the second option to me. He’s number one in all things.
“It’s you I want, and I want you to show me what this is between us.” I’ve been lusted after by men and looked at like walking sex, but that’s not the look residing in his green orbs. There is a palpable hunger in his eyes that feeds off the sight of me, and it’s devouring me.
“Please.” I can’t wait any longer. Not anymore.
Dropping his forehead to mine, he growls, “There’s no going back.”
Before I respond, he takes control of my mouth, slamming his lips on mine. I melt against his strong, warm frame and sync my tongue with his. The taste is safety, it’s intimacy, and it’s ours. I’ve never felt a kiss worth living for before. Until Nick. Last time we made love, I was suffocating with heartbreak, my guilt consuming, but this time, I won’t let it—I can’t.
Tomorrow, I can face what consequences come after my emotions, but tonight, the man I’ve fallen in love with who has tirelessly tried to show me his love is the only person I want to think about. I plan to immerse myself in his universe. Lifting me up, he helps me wrap my legs around him. We continue kissing, moving toward the bed, electricity sparking between us.
Laying me out under him, he stands back, watching me, memorizing every part of me. My leggings and university shirt are far from sexy, but you would never know by the look in his eyes.
“Come here.” Taking my hand, he helps me up into a sitting position. Butterflies disperse through my stomach, flying into a wild tangle in there. Without words, he reaches for the hem of my shirt and removes it effortlessly from my body. I only have on a bralette, and it so happens to be white and see-through, giving him full vantage of my breasts and hardened nipples.
“This body was carved by the gods. Just for me. To worship.”
My stomach flips, my sex clenching and pulsing for his large, thick girth. Nick has the largest cock I’ve seen, and I remember the sensations of it possessing me. Time has passed since we first made love, and I swear I can still fill his imprint inside me.
“Say you love me.”
Nodding, I eagerly tell him. “I love you. So much. Let me show you.” Circling my fingers around the waistband of his sweats, I slowly pull down. He’s not wearing his briefs under, and his cock springs free, full-mast. He’s so hard it nearly touches his belly button. Whimpering, I make sure to look up into his eyes as I lightly wrap my hand around the base of his shaft.
“Kitten, the sight of you right now….”
“Don’t stop looking at me while I take you in my mouth. I need your eyes.” I don’t just need the sexual pleasure; I need stimulation of my senses. Our connection needs to be unbreakable tonight. There can’t be any cracks or holes for all the outside life trials to seep in through.
“Never,” he growls. With that, I lean in and lick the tip, his salty taste flooding my taste buds. He moans deep in his chest, yet our eyes don’t break connection. The scene is erotic, me pleasuring the man who never hurts me. Who loves me. Who’s been there for me since the day we met. My best friend. “You’re so good at this, kitten.”
I lick up the underside of his shaft as I take him as deeply as I can. He’s too big to fit all the way in. Adding my second hand to fill the space between my lips and my other hand, I begin to make bobbing and jerking motions. Slowly tilting my head back and forth. His abs tighten each time he hits the back of my throat, a light sheen of sweat breaking out on the tight slab of skin when I pick up the pace. As I bob my head faster, he meets me with his thrusts. The ache grows between my legs, and my need is becoming too much to take. Reading me like a book, my lover knows me well.
“Kitten. I want to be inside you. Lie back for me.”
If I didn’t need to be taken care of so badly, I may have fought to let him finish inside my mouth, but I'm too selfish, and my body needs wh
at it wants.
Lying back, I watch as he removes his sweats the rest of the way then begins work on mine. I help him by shimming my hips free from the black leggings. As I’m left in my white thong, he steps back. Sad at the loss, I call out to him.
“Nick, please don’t stop. I’m hurting.”
“I know, but I want to see you take off those panties and offer yourself to me. You are a prize, and I better treat you like one.”
“Oh God,” I moan. What he’s asking is beyond erotic. To want to see me offering my body to him in such an intimate yet vulnerable way. It's intoxicating.
Standing, I turn around, showing him my ass while I remove my bra, putting on a show. The lace material is flung to the side, and I turn again, now on display in nothing but my white thong.
Nick’s chest rises and falls heavily, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. But what’s sexier—he doesn’t touch his very erect, painfully hard cock to the sight of me. Never have I been with a man so experienced, patient, and visceral as Nick. He’s a man, a mature lover, and he shows it proudly.
While I remove my panties painstakingly slow, he watches intensely, waiting for that cloth to pool at my feet. “Like this?” I ask when it does, climbing onto the bed, spreading my legs, and showing him what he asked for.
“Yes, baby. Look at that clit, so swollen. So ready for me.”
Nodding, I reach between my legs and feel the engorged bundle of nerves protruding from between my bare lips. I gasp when the tip of my middle finger barely grazes it. Holy shit, it’s extremely sensitive. In fact, I may come before he even fully enters me. I’d only orgasmed occasionally before Nick, and now the pregnancy is heightening my sexual senses.
“The first round will be fast; you need to come. It will be quick, but I plan to do filthy, terrible things your body craves.”
“Oh God. Please. Stop making me wait.” The feeling between my legs is so prominent it's becoming painful. Before I can beg more, he sets me off. Flattening the pad of his thumb, he massages my clit with one upward motion, and I detonate, coming so hard I scream. Loud enough for at least our poor wall neighbors to hear.