“What about my friends?” I asked.
“It’s a tough industry,” said Daisy. She raised the wine bottle and quickly refilled my glass. “I think you’re going to need to work on accepting what is, and what is to be, if you really want this thing to come together for you.”
“Are you on my side?”
“Oh Layla,” said Daisy with a pained look. “Yes, of course. I’m in love with you. You’re changing my life. You’re making me feel differently. I cherish what we have together.”
“Good,” I said, an embarrassed smile developing on my face. I was definitely torn, lost in the newness of my success, but I felt that if I held on to Daisy, I could make it through my transition with minimal damage. She knew her way around the music industry, and she had a real stake in my success for both professional and personal reasons. I had to trust her. Trust was something that didn’t always come easy to me.
“I have a surprise for you,” said Daisy, her face becoming fiery with excitement. “I’ve got an invitation to a special New Year’s Eve party. It’s at Jennifer Lily’s house up near Central Park.”
“The actress?” I asked.
“That’s her,” said Daisy. “It’s going to be crawling with famous people. I don’t think you’ll have to worry about people recognizing you there. I mean, people will recognize you, sure, but I bet most of them will be too obsessed with themselves to give you the time of day.” Daisy laughed.
“Wow,” I said. “Well, I guess I can’t say no to that.”
“You really can’t,” she said. “So you’re in?”
“I’m in.” I smiled, I drank, I tried to relax.
“These are your people now,” said Daisy. “You’ll see.”
“It’s not sinking in yet,” I said. “This came too quickly for me. I’m struggling with it.”
“You’ll get used to it,” she said. “Just go with it. Accept it.”
Daisy was right. It was time for me to accept what was happening to me. The more I tried to put a stopper in it, the more I denied my success, denied what was happening around me, the harder the struggle would be internally. I didn’t want any more internal struggle. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to make people happy. I wanted to be accepted. And I wanted, most of all, to focus on my work.
I resolved, in that moment, to start work on my extrovert self. The anxiety wasn’t helping me. It only caused me pain. But I had a unique opportunity in life now. I could have it all. I could be happy. I just needed to let myself realize that.
I felt changed. I was changed.
“Hey,” I said, reaching across the counter and putting my hand on top of Daisy’s.
“Yeah?” she smiled.
“Thank you,” I said. “I’ve needed someone like you in my life. For a long time. Someone to balance out my crazy.” Daisy laughed.
“I’m just as crazy as you are,” she said. “But in a different way. Maybe a… complementary way.” She laughed again.
“Definitely complementary.”
“You know, Layla,” said Daisy. “You’re the kind of girl I always wanted. But like you, I felt stuck, or pigeonholed, or whatever it is when you cater to the expectations of others. When I was younger, I always looked at the cool rocker chicks like you and I melted.”
“Is that right?”
“Oh my God!” said Daisy. “But they were so intimidating. And moody!” Daisy shook her head and chuckled.
“I always felt intimidated by normal pretty girls like you,” I said. “I never dreamed of going up to one of them and making friends, or asking them out. I guess I always felt I’d bring down the wrath of the popularity cliques if I tried something like that. Or I’d get laughed at.”
“We’re really not that different,” said Daisy. “Just from opposite ends.”
“Do you think we’ll last?” I asked tenderly.
“I think so,” she said, a self-assured smile crossing her lips. “I really do.”
Entering the party at Jennifer Lily’s house on New Year’s Eve was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. It was so incredibly classy. The guests all seemed like they had it together, like they were special in a way I couldn’t put my finger on, and they all struck me as the kind of people that had no concern for money. I think that’s an important distinction, especially if you come from a place where money worries are real. People who don’t worry about money have this glow on their face and you really have to experience it to understand.
The house was decorated in a modern style, much of the space both painted and decorated in white, with dark wood floors underfoot. An attendant took our coats as we entered and gave us each a ticket to hold on to. That amazed me. A coat attendant at a house party. But I was determined not to come off as too naive. I was in a different world and there were different rules to play by.
The guests were all dressed nice and fancy for the party, and I made sure to be as well. I had on one of my Wednesday Addams dresses, a black frock with frilly trim, and I took extra care with my makeup and hair. I was pretty happy with how it all came out. It was my style, but with nicer clothes. More expensive clothes. I had on some brand new black service boots over top of my thicker winter leggings.
“Look at this little doll,” I heard a voice say. She moved closer to us as Daisy and I made our way through the front room of the house.
“Hey you!” said Daisy, grinning at our host. The two of them hugged as though they were old friends. “Thank you for having us, Jen!”
“Mmm!” hummed Jennifer, pulling back from Daisy. “It’s nothing, Daisy. And don’t think I’m talking about you when I say doll. I mean this one!” She stepped off from Daisy and stood in front of me. “I’m so delighted to meet you,” she said. “I’m Jen.”
“Layla,” I said, our hands delicately shaking. “Thank you for the invite.”
“Oh, I’m glad you could make it,” said Jen. “I tell you, Layla, I just love your album. It’s so much fun.”
“That’s nice of you.”
“I bet you’ve got so many fans here,” she said, waving her hand out. “You won’t even believe it.”
“Well, I can’t believe I’m standing in front of you,” I said with a nervous laugh.
“Oh, whatever,” she said. “I’m nothing special.” I thought that was a bit of an understatement as she was on a hit TV show that ran for a decade, only coming to an end in the last year or so. I remembered reading somewhere that she and the other main cast members had been making a million dollars an episode by the end. And her house showed it.
“You’re funny,” said Daisy, offering a wide grin.
“Oh shush!” replied Jen. “Anyhow, you two make yourself at home. There are hors d'oeuvres in the kitchen along with plenty of drinks. Have the bartender make you the signature cocktail if you’re unsure what you’d like. It’s a doozy!” She laughed at herself and put her hand on my shoulder for a moment.
“Thanks,” I said softly.
“I’ll catch up with you ladies later,” said Jen. “Ciao!”
With that, Jennifer Lily scurried off to chat up more guests. I took a deep breath. The interaction had left me drained, despite it being so short. This was so new to me, but I was determined to embrace it. “This was my life now,” I told myself in my head. Deep breaths, smile, you can do this.
I was surprised that night by how many people — how many famous people — came up to me to introduce themselves. At one point, I was surrounded by a half dozen people, all talking at me, asking me about the record, wanting to know when the next one was coming out, wondering if I could get them tickets to a concert. I had lost Daisy somewhere in the mix.
“The music coming out today is just so wild,” one person said.
“It’s exciting,” said another.
“I love how edgy it makes me feel,” yet another intoned.
“What I like about you, Layla,” said a woman I vaguely recognized from movies. “Is how authentic you are. It’s like, ‘here I am! Take me o
r leave me!’” She laughed at herself, and some of the others agreed.
“That’s kind of you,” I said. “I’m just being me.”
“And that’s wonderful!” she replied.
“Excuse me,” I said. “I have to step out for a moment.”
“Don’t leave us hanging on that story about Dave Grant!” said some guy in the group. “He’s a wild man!”
I snuck to the back of the house, avoiding eye contact with anybody who got in my path. Looking around to make sure no one saw me, I pulled open a door and stepped out onto the back porch. The cold immediately hit me, but I didn’t care. I just wanted a break and I wanted a smoke.
But when I got to the back porch, someone was already out there. I recognized him immediately. His face was pocked, his hair thin and greying. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. He was leaning against the railing, smoking a cigarette, looking up to the sky. When he noticed me, he waved me over. I slowly slipped closer to him, still in awe.
“Cigarette?” he asked once I stood next to him. I nodded carefully as I took a smoke from him. He lit it for me. “I’m Bill,” he said, extending his hand.
“Layla,” I said. We shook.
“Good to meet you.”
“Thanks for the smoke,” I said. “It was getting to be too much in there for me.”
“It’s colder in there than it is out here,” he said. I laughed softly.
“I’m just new to this,” I said. “I still don’t see how I fit in to that world.”
“It’ll come,” he said nonchalantly.
“I can’t believe I’m having a smoke with you,” I said. “I bet that sounds silly.”
“I don’t even know who you are.”
“Layla,” I said, repeating my name.
“That’s right,” said Bill. “Are you an actress or something?”
“Musician,” I said.
“Ah,” he said drolly. “I’m a golfer.” I smiled, and then I laughed at his joke.
“Can I ask you something?” I said, putting the cigarette to my lips and taking a drag.
“Shoot, Layla.”
“When you were new to this world,” I began. “Did you feel out of place?”
“Never,” said Bill. “When I started on that Saturday show — what’s it called? — I already knew my place. And I bet you do, too.”
I nodded slowly as he flicked his cigarette butt into the yard. Bill adjusted his scarf, but then he looked at me, smiled softly, and unwound the scarf from his neck, wrapping it instead around mine.
“Don’t stay out too long, Layla,” he said. “Those little legs of yours will crack.”
Then he started walking back toward the house. Before he got to the door, however, I called out to him.
“Thanks Bill,” I said.
He looked over his shoulder and gave me a wry grin. Then he was gone.
I smiled contentedly as I tightened the scarf around my neck, and continued my smoke in silence. It was cold, but I was feeling quite warmed.
As the night continued on, I grew more and more comfortable with the party. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was my brief conversation with Bill, or maybe I was just figuring out stuff in earnest. All I knew was that no one was treating me as though I were the outsider I felt like, and that was strange but reassuring. It’s a hurdle not easily surmounted.
“Is everybody ready?” said Jennifer excitedly, some sort of noise-maker in her hand. She started the count at ‘ten,’ and everybody joined in. I wasn’t usually a person who joined in on New Year’s Eve countdowns, but I was feeling the spirit that night. Daisy and I were locked together, side by side, beaming at one another, eyes wide, as we counted down along with the rest of the party.
As we neared the new year, I realized in that moment that it was the first time in as long as I could remember that I hadn’t spent New Year’s Eve with my friends. With James, with Nikki, with all of those people I’d grown up with back in Detroit. I hadn’t really even considered them this year and that made me sad. But Daisy was there with me, her beautiful face staring into mine, her lips moving in unison with the crowd, counting down, and I felt good again.
Somewhere in the countdown, between ‘four’ and ‘three’ I think, I broke from counting and I spoke up to Daisy.
“I love you,” I said.
“I love you, too,” she replied, looking wildly happy. Everyone else had reached ‘one’ and started making wild noises, hooting and hollering, shouting out in their drunken joy. Daisy and I were already kissing. It was the kind of kiss you never want to end. And we would end up kissing late into that night.
I woke up the next morning in my own bed, with Daisy sleeping next to me. I delicately lifted the blanket off of me, and crawled out from under it. I was naked, and the air outside of the covers felt cold on my skin. Looking down at Daisy, I couldn’t help but smile. She made me feel so good about myself, so good about how things were going in my life. Everything was a compromise, and I had to start internalizing that.
In the bathroom, I flushed the toilet and turned to the vanity mirror. I looked tired, but I was okay. Pressing my tongue against the inside of my labret piercing, I made it dance left and right on my chin. I smiled at myself. Yeah, sure, I looked tired but that’s just because I had partied the night before. I felt happy. Slightly hungover, of course, but happy.
It didn’t have to be one way or another. It wasn’t so black and white as I had made it all out to be. There was nothing I could do about the changes I was going through. I couldn’t control the external. But I could control how I reacted to it all. And moping was not the answer. Beating myself up about preserving other peoples’ feelings, feelings that I couldn’t really control, that wasn’t the right way to go about dealing with my mounting success.
As I returned to my bedroom, I saw that Daisy was now awake and smiling across the room at me. I stopped in the doorway, leaning up against it, and folded my arms.
“Morning,” she said.
“Morning.” I couldn’t get the smile off my face.
“You must be cold,” she said.
“A bit,” I replied. I slowly stepped back toward the bed. Daisy’s eyes looked my body up and down.
“Well, get back in,” she said, fluffing the blanket up as I approached. I smirked, lifted the blanket, and maneuvered back under it. Almost immediately I was hit by warmth, my body sliding up to Daisy’s, our nude flesh colliding. I sighed happily and wrapped my arms around her.
“I’m glad I moved here,” I said, my head falling to the pillow. Daisy kissed my cheek and then nuzzled her face against mine.
“Me too,” she said.
“Last night was crazy,” I said. “Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be at a party like that.”
“They’re just regular people,” said Daisy.
“I wouldn’t say that,” I said. “They’re different. But also, yeah, they’re people.” Daisy chuckled softly.
“You think you can swing this life?” she said. “I know it’s been hard on you. But it’s really not that bad. I think you’ll learn to enjoy it.”
“I think I can do it,” I said. “Do you think you can be patient with me?”
“I think so,” she teased. “Anything else I can do?”
“Do you think you can spread your ass apart again sometime and let me look in?” I winked at her.
“You!” Daisy said, smacking me under the blanket. We laughed together and wrestled, slithering against one another.
“C’mon,” I protested. “You look good from that angle!”
After another moment of tussling, we began kissing. I groaned against Daisy’s lips and basked in her touch as her hands moved down my back and rested on my rump.
A few more sweet kisses, and then we were calm again.
“I’m going to make the most of this year,” I said. “I don’t normally do resolutions because I think they’re stupid. But this year… I don’t know. I think I’m going to work really har
d on myself.”
“After the year you just had,” said Daisy, sneaking another kiss. “It’s going to be hard to top.”
“I think I can manage,” I said.
“Be kind to yourself,” said Daisy. “When I’m going through a difficult time, uncertainty and all that, sometimes I can say some pretty messed up stuff to myself.”
“Me too,” I agreed.
“And I think… would I let a friend of mine talk to me like that? If the answer’s no, why am I letting myself talk to me like that?”
“I think that’s a really nice way to look at it,” I said.
“It doesn’t always work,” said Daisy with a soft laugh. “But it’s a start at least.”
“A start is all I need.”
“Hey,” said Daisy, getting serious, propping herself up on her elbow. “We should go out and do something today. So many years, I just spend New Year’s Day lounging around. But we should get out and cruise around the City.”
“Okay,” I said. “Yeah, we could do that.”
“Did you have something else in mind?”
“Well, maybe we could fool around first.” After I said this, I threaded my hand between Daisy’s legs under the covers and lightly pinched at her lips.
“Layla!” she called out through a laugh, squirming under the sheets and batting at my hand.
“You don’t like it?” I said devilishly. “C’mon, I know you like it.”
“You’re right,” she said. “I like it.” Daisy smiled.
I knew that I had a lot ahead of me. I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. But nothing worth doing is ever easy. And when you’ve got a dream, you’ve got to go for it. There will be sacrifices, there will be road blocks, there will be loss. But what’s life without these things? After you trudge through the swamp, there are sunny skies ahead. If you’re still in the swamp, well, you just have to keep going. There’s always an end in sight.
“What do you think the future holds for us?” said Daisy with a joyful expression.
“Amazing things,” I said. “And I believe that. I think we’re in store for some pretty amazing things together.”
Rise From Rock City: A Lesbian Rock Star Romance (Revolving Record Book 1) Page 20