by Ford, Neicey
Denise pulled into the parking structure, killed the engine and headed towards the towering glass building of TIA.
“Wow, that was quick.”
Denise lowered her shades and smiled.
“I think I’m going to buy stock in Mercedes.”
Keisha chuckled. “You look really nice today, Mrs. Chatman.”
“Thank you.” Denise twirled around in her amaranth red skirt and vest custom designed by Rita. Her Vince Camuto heels complimented her legs as she strolled casually to her office. She opened Outlook and scanned her inbox.
She smiled when she opened the email from Ted which read:
Good morning!
I’m so excited to be sending you this email. Your show was a smash! So much so that Emily Krug from New York Styles & Fashion wants to incorporate your idea with their fall collection. Isn’t that exciting!
You rock!
In addition, I am sending you over a package. It’s the DVD of the production. It was erroneously delivered to me. I opened the package, but not the contents inside. My heart was beating so fast, as if I didn’t already know how the show ended
I have one request of you, if possible. Would you send back a couple of copies for me and the girls? If I need to pay for them just let me know how much they are and I will gladly get the money over to you.
Well, thanks again for the opportunity and I’ll touch base with you within the next couple of weeks to see if you’ve heard anything from Emily. Take care.
Best Regards,
Ted
________________________________________
Denise couldn’t contain her smile. Yes! Yes! Yes!
She looked at the time, grabbed her purse then headed for the “Beauty for Ashes” conference.
***
“Denise, thank you for coming. We have a full house today. These women are excited to hear what you have to say and so am I.”
“Carol, you look amazing! Thanks for inviting me and I pray that I don’t disappoint you guys. I had a presentation prepared, but God was dealing with me this morning and I’ve been instructed to talk about something else.”
“I’m sure it’ll be greatly received. Oh and your friend is here.”
“Aprile?” Denise asked surprised.
“Yes, Aprile. She’s seated up front. Good luck,” Carol smiled.
Denise strolled casually to the podium, taking her place behind it. She smiled at several women who greeted her with pleasantries. Aprile sat with her hands folded in her lap. She looked up.
“Thank you,” Denise mouthed.
Aprile smiled.
Denise cleared her throat as she adjusted the microphone. She began:
“Good morning to you all. I would like to thank Carol for giving me this opportunity to speak to such an amazing group of women. Thank you all for coming. Umm, ummm,” she cleared her throat.” “It’s not easy walking away from abusive relationships, but with God…all things are possible. He will truly exchange you beauty for ashes. I am evidence. Before I begin I want to personally think my good friend and sister who came out to support me. God loves you and so do I,” she said looking at Aprile before focusing back on the group.
“I’ve often wondered what makes a person mess up a perfectly good relationship. Is it because they don’t value it or because they’re so used to being in messed up relationships that it just comes naturally? Almost second nature.
There are so many women who fall under the category of ‘damaged goods’. They’ve been hurt beyond repair and it’s so cliché, but true, that he’s not to blame for what the previous man (men) did, but what do you do? Truth is, we all come with baggage and more often than not do we (women) become the byproduct of our hurtful and/or painful experiences. We tend to hold onto EVERY thing, which I’m sure has something to do with our genetic makeup, and can never let anything go. Sometimes we don’t even try.
Strangely, our baggage becomes a part of us. It becomes something we no longer try to discard. We tote it around like it’s our favorite shoes that we proudly hold onto, no matter how small they are. We get used to having them there.
Does it ever get old?
Eventually we build this wall around ourselves. We shut out and swear off men because of all the failed relationship attempts. We isolate ourselves from the rest of the world and think, “I won’t hurt myself.” On the contrary, the wall doesn’t shut others out as much as it does close you in.
So, she begins to “save herself.” She begins to protect herself and be her own heroine. She places her heart in a cocoon hoping that one day she’ll be able to break free and experience a real love. Until then, she continues to stay protected and no one can hurt her as long as she knows how far to lower her guard and how close to let someone come. She’s cautious. She knows that if she lowers her guard too far; she’ll quickly retract it for fear of being hurt again.
What do women really want? My belief is that all women want to be loved. All women want a man whom they can call their own. All women want a man whom they feel protected and secure with. All women want a man whom they can trust. All women want love.
The issue is never with not knowing what women want. To a degree we are completely transparent. However, the issue some damaged women have is being able to openly receive what they want when a man is willing to help her unpack the baggage that she comes with. You’re probably wondering, ‘what is she talking about’? I’ll explain.
Say a woman makes a list of all the things she wants and then let’s just say she gets them. She meets a man who’s caring and truly willing to love her. She meets a man who wants to be exclusively hers. She meets a man who makes her feel protected and secure whether she’s in his presence or not. She meets a man who she feels she can trust. She meets a man who, more than anything else, wants to love HER. Now, what does she do with him?
Initially, she’s on cloud nine. She has found her real life, Knight in Shining Armor. He’s all she’s ever hoped and dreamed of; even more. Initially, she feels like she deserves him and all that he has to offer her. Initially, she accepts him with open arms. But remember…she’s damaged beyond repair so; she begins to suspect it’s too good to be true. She suspects that he is just like the one before and refuses to let the same thing happen again.
She refuses to let him have that much access to her heart; leaving herself vulnerable and exposed. So, what does she do? She returns to the familiar. She returns to what she knows. She returns to her safe haven because this is something she’s never had so she doesn’t truly know what to do with it. She looks for reasons “why” and looks for “familiar” actions to validate her suspicions. She looks for ways to sabotage what she really wants.
For some women this is real. For some women this is a never ending cycle. For some women it’s going to take a man who recognizes that though she’s damaged goods, she is undeniably an angel whose wings have been clipped by a perfectly dressed decoy and is willing to help her unpack her baggage and stay through her healing process.
For her it’s going to take a man whose will to love can penetrate through her chrysalis cocoon without piercing or causing anymore trauma to her already damaged heart.
What do women who know what they want and get what they want do when they get it? They let go of past hurts. They pray hard in hopes of making room for something good. They realize and understand that they deserve happiness; that she deserves him.
For years I searched for love in the arms of men who didn’t love me back. For years I searched for love in places where love didn’t reside. I was already damaged and carrying a lot of excess baggage; baggage that I couldn’t or maybe even wasn’t willing to depart with. I self-inflicted pain because I was the one who didn’t allow myself time to heal. I felt I needed love. I wanted someone to love me.
I would question God and ask Him, ‘why not me?’ I felt like, in some way or another, I was being punished, but I couldn’t figure out what I had done.
It wasn’t until years la
ter, after I had come to the realization that I was traveling on this self-destructive path that I simply couldn’t continue on because every time I lay with someone who didn’t love me I was developing these ties…these soulties and destroying God’s temple. I was allowing them to transfer whatever spirits they had obtained from the other women they had been with and deposit them inside me.
I began acting in ways I had never acted before. I was allowing these men to drain me of my power and take a little bit of my soul every time they left. You see, regardless of how good or how great I convinced myself it may have been I was still unfulfilled.
I started reading God’s Word. I needed help and it was the sort of help I couldn’t find in my girlfriends via our girl talks. I needed some divine intervention. I cried. I read. I prayed. I fasted. I asked and eventually, I received. I was in the preparation stage. I was being transformed.
Then one day it finally hit me. I realized I had allowed those men to uncover and tamper with my intended purpose when God had something better planned for me. It was true because He said it in Jeremiah 29:11. I realized that all the time I was looking for someone to love me…someone already did. It was true because He said it in John 3:16.
Strange things began to happen. People started disappearing out of my life, which was a good thing; it was what I prayed for. The more I stayed in Him, the more my prayers and dreams of long standing started to finally come to fruition. He started granting me the desires of my heart. God hears the cries of His daughters and He answers them according to His will.
God knew where I was and He knew what I needed. When I stopped looking for love and accepted the love, which was being freely given to me, from the one man who never wanted anything more than my love in return; all the things I wanted from those men that I never received was being given to me. I simply had to shift my focus.
I know some of you are probably saying, ‘it’s not that easy,’ and I know it’s not. I’d be lying if I said that it was. What I’d like to do is challenge you. I’d like to challenge you to stop trying to make ‘man’ love you. I’d like to challenge you to stop waiting on ‘man’ to love you when there’s already a man who does and actually loved you first. I’d like to challenge you to stop selling yourself short and recognize when you have a good man who is willing to love you pass your pain, help you deal with your insecurities and assist in ridding you of old baggage.
There’s a man patiently waiting and wanting to love you. Give him a chance. Stop looking for reasons to stay sheltered in your cocoon. Once you begin to love Him back, He’ll send you an earthly companion who will be more than you ever imagined he could be. You have to be patient. So, it’s time to begin molting. I hope you’re prepared to spread your wings and fly away.
Oh, and when He does send “the one,” I pray that your heart is healed enough to receive the love that he has been equipped to give. And just to let you in on a little secret: I waited a long time for my ‘one’, but he was nothing short of worth the wait. Sometimes you have to stop pursuing what you want so that God can send you what you need.
Thank you for your time and attention. May God bless you all.”
Neicey Ford is the author and publisher of dramatic romance novels Eluding Karma, Vengeance Is Mine and Every Pawn Is A Potential Queen. While working as a records center coordinator and resource secretary at a law firm, Neicey Ford completed her first novel and began another venture as a playwright. After submitting her story to several publishers, all of whom rejected her; she decided not to become discouraged, but to self-publish instead.
Neicey Ford is now the author of four bestselling novels, has written, produced, and directed three gospel stage plays and is looking forward to launching a new media business.
Neicey Ford’s love for storytelling, her ability to captivate one’s imagination with her creative usage of words and unique style, are qualities that separate her from other artists. The empathy portrayed in her writings captivate the reader and allows them to experience life through the characters eyes.
As a wife, proud mother, poet, and playwright, Neicey Ford’s greatest aspiration is to allow God to use her as He sees fit. Whether it’s ministering through spoken word or theatrical presentation, she believes all that she does, all that she is and all that she will be is of no credit of her own, but because of God’s grace, mercy and favor toward her.