I breathed, aware of the curve of his ass, pressed right over the bulge in my trousers. I said and did nothing, merely held him until he stopped trembling.
“What am I going to do with you, beautiful boy?” I whispered to the dark.
He gasped, betraying himself. I snarled softly under my breath, but I didn’t let him go.
“Games won’t work on me, Julian.”
“I wasn’t playing,” he said, voice heated. “I woke after you started hugging me. You felt so good. I didn’t want to break the spell.”
At my silence he continued, “Nick, can’t you see? We’re good for each other.”
“Is that what you think?”
Julian twisted in my arms. I loosened my grip. Facing me, Julian ran a slender hand over my arm. I made out the outline, shapes—the tangle of our limbs, a stray strand of hair, the curve of his nose, but nothing distinctive. The dark drew us together, made it impossible to read each other.
“Yes,” Julian answered, as if terrified of his own answer.
His hand crept lower, traced the waistband of my boxers and slipped underneath. I nearly lost it when Julian curled his fingers around my hard dick, but I did nothing to stop him. I established rules, regularly enforcing them whenever Julian crossed the line, but they didn’t and couldn’t apply between twilight hours, limbo.
“Know this. Once you start I won’t stop,” I said, but Julian didn’t hear the warning in my voice.
Two can play at this game. I mimicked his boldness, hand finding his cock at the first try, and began gliding my fist up and down, with sure and steady strokes. Our eyes met across the dark, and I could almost see the challenge in his. My lips curved into a smile. I pumped him, alternating between fast and slow. Julian halted, mouth opening for a moan to slip out.
“Give it to me, Julian.”
Julian panted, unable to continue his hand job. Lying so close, within a hair’s breadth from each other, I could smell his arousal and his hunger to please, and it was such an intoxicating thing, like a drug I needed.
“Anything,” he whispered.
“Don’t offer what you can’t give, boy.”
“Claim me. You know you want it. For some incomprehensible reason, you want my tainted body, my scarred soul. Take it, Nick. It’s yours.”
My dick hardened at those words, and my balls drew tight against my body. I couldn’t take what he offered, knowing Julian deserved more. Better. I compromised, taking his mouth instead, and stole all the heat he willingly offered to me on a platter.
Releasing him, I told him in plain and simple terms, “I don’t ever want you hear you call yourself damaged again. Repeat those words again and I’ll tie you up, beat you and fuck you until you could barely walk in the morning.”
“God,” Julian whispered. I didn’t need a light to know those words turned him on. With a shuddering cry, he exploded, coating my fingers with cum.
I waited for a couple of seconds until he recovered. “Did I give you permission to come, boy?”
“No, Sir,” Julian murmured. “Punish me as you see fit.”
I pulled my hand away from his dick and lifted them to his mouth. Julian leaned in close, not needing the command. He lapped at the digits with relish, reminding me of a cat taking its fill of milk. At the last drops, I took my hand and licked it dry.
“You and me combined, that’s heaven.”
Julian groaned. I grabbed his cock. He gasped when I gave it a squeeze through the fabric.
“Dirty boy, did you get aroused from something that simple?” I asked.
“Sir,” he began.
Fuck, hearing that word on his lips drove me insane.
“Every time you deny me, touch me, kiss me … all of it makes me hard. We both want this. Why keep fighting it?”
“You want me because I look like Noah, because you believe I’m the part of Noah that’s better.”
Julian let out sharp exhale. “That’s not true. I know what you are. You claim you’re a monster, but you forget I’ve recently been underneath one. Let’s play truth or dare, Nick.”
I never stepped away from a challenge, and I was no longer certain of the state of Julian’s sanity. Then again, who was I to judge? I kept him when I shouldn’t. He stubbornly stayed, but I let him, not wanting him to leave.
I’d regret this.
“Fine, I’ll bite. Truth or dare?”
“Want to know the ugly truth? I wished I met you first instead of Noah. Noah wasn’t capable of making me feel this miserable or frustrated.”
I let out a harsh laugh.
Julian wasn’t done. “A single wall divides your room from mine, but you’re untouchable, a fortress. The day you rescued me, I caught a glimpse of what I could have with the perfect Dom for me. Seeing you each day and being denied the privilege to live by your feet and wear your collar is slowly killing me inside.”
Julian called me perfect, when I was anything but.
“Leave then, if it’s so miserable to stay with me,” I said.
“That’s your answer, the safe choice. We’re still playing, remember? Truth or dare, Nick?”
Both choices smelled like traps with razor teeth, but Julian had a point. I hid the truth behind a wall of bullshit, terrified by how much I wanted him. I met his gaze and mouthed the answer capable of wrecking the walls between us and setting chaos loose.
“Dare.”
“Master me. Fuck me. Prove that I’m imagining the chemistry between us.”
Chapter Eight
Julian
Nick didn’t move or speak for the longest time. I held my breath. My heart hammered painfully against my chest. The bedsprings creaked. Nick’s weight disappeared, and my stomach dropped. So unfair. Nick knew he didn’t need to play by my rules, knew he held all the cards in his hand.
“Nick, are you going to walk away from me, from this again?” I demanded.
Goading him wouldn’t give me any results, I learned that early. Nick would break before he bent to anyone’s will. Me? I was submissive to my bones. I’d adapted when Noah shoved me into that closet and clung to the foggiest notion of living.
Nick moved without a sound across the floor. The hints of light behind the doorway highlighted his huge figure. I balled my hands into fists. I wouldn’t cry, couldn’t give him that satisfaction.
“Ask me again tomorrow night, Julian.”
Before he shut the door, I called out to him again. “Nick?”
“What?”
“Can you turn on the lights? I can’t sleep.”
Light illuminated the room a second later. Nick didn’t spare me one last look, but he left a crack in the door. An invitation, or was I overthinking things again?
Collapsing against the bed, I buried my face into the pillow, letting it muffle my growl. Stubborn bastard. Why didn’t he have his way with me? Was his self-control pristine, perfect, or had I imagined the want blazing in his eyes the day he found me?
The clock in the room irritated me. Tick-tock. I didn’t want to fall asleep. The same nightmares awaited me. On my bad days I thought I conjured up Nick and this house that held so many bad memories for him and Noah. I might still be in Noah’s closet, identity completely erased and brainwashed into being his perfect slave.
My hand found its way beneath my boxers. Nick had touched me here moments ago, held my dick captive, and my heart nearly leapt in my throat when he reminded me he didn’t give me permission to come. I nearly died and went to heaven, hoping Nick would find a punishment he deemed fit.
He didn’t. I pumped my dick, but it stayed limp. It was Nick’s fingers I imagined, moving up and down, fast and slow. His talented hands had been designed to torment and tease, punish and reward.
I pulled my hand away from my cock and curled into a ball instead. Minutes or perhaps hours passed, and my eyelids started to droop. I fought to remain awake, but sleep took me eventually and transported me to my private hell.
****
“You look like
shit. Didn’t get any sleep last night?” Nick asked the next morning.
The beautiful bastard put his morning paper down to regard me, still in my boxers and one of his own shirts. Nick didn’t know, but I liked sniffing at his shirt and putting his scent to memory, thinking that was the only way I could get close to him.
“Whose fault is that?” I threw back.
“Go on. Mouth off to me.”
“Or what, you’ll punish me?” I taunted, daring him.
Nick shrugged, returning to his paper. “Eat your breakfast before it gets cold.”
We made the same argument every day. What could I do to break the cycle? Ask me again tomorrow night. I froze. My fork clattered on the plate. The implications of Nick’s words finally sank in. I stared at the meal Nick made for us—toast, bacon, and eggs. A man who cooked our meals and asked if I needed something from the local grocer wasn’t a man who didn’t give a fuck, not really.
“What’s with you?” Nick asked when I finished gobbling down my food.
“Nothing, it’s a new day.”
Nick went back to the paper. My gaze landed on the fruit bowl—usually empty of fruit, on the center of the table. Nick left his keys to his black Rolls-Royce Wraith there on purpose. If I chose to leave, I wouldn’t have trouble finding a way out. Some days I wanted to shove those keys down his throat and wondered why he had to make things so fucking complicated.
Noah took without asking. Oh, he’d formulate the right questions, but in the end my answers didn’t matter. With Nick, I had to fight and work for every inch. Nick said he kept away to avoiding hurting me. I’d always assert I wasn’t afraid of him, but it occurred to me that both of us had become expert liars.
Both of us were terrified of leaving our marks on each other. I saw Nick as other than human, like a dark knight who acted on instinct when he rescued me, but he was human, too.
“Are you heading to town today?” I asked.
Nick folded his paper and regarded me. It was only for a moment, but I saw the flash of disappointment in his eyes. “There’s a bus station in town. I can drive you there if you like.”
“No, but you keep buying me the wrong cereal brand. If you’re buying groceries, I’m coming with you.”
I thought he’d refuse, but Nick shrugged. “Fine.”
We were making progress—or so I hoped.
“I nearly forgot, but I got you this yesterday.” Nick pulled out something from the pack beside his feet and slid it across the table.
I stared at the disposable cell phone for a couple of seconds, uncomprehending. Was Nick taunting me again, reminding me I could call the cops or anyone else for help?
“How many times do I have to remind you I’m here by choice?”
Nick didn’t react to the anger in my voice. The bastard went back to his paper. “You can’t stay here and hide from reality forever, Julian. I’ve accepted your temporary presence a long time ago. Have the decency to tell those who worry about you you’re fine.”
Holding back a smart retort, I bit my lip. Nick had an excellent point. Reaching for the phone, I tore out the packaging and set it up. Seeing the screen light up made my stomach churn. There were only a few numbers I’d committed to memory. Noah had been one of them, Tony the other. I could count the number of close friends I had on one hand. No, one finger.
Tony deserved an explanation. An apology, but I’d never been good with those.
Had it only been days ago I argued with my best friend about committing myself to a 24/7 D/s relationship with Noah? My finger froze on the number pad. Our worst fight ever. It ended with me stomping out of the apartment and Tony yelling at me to fuck myself. “This is my life. Mine to ruin,” I remembered saying, never able to think beyond the present.
“What’s wrong?” Nick’s voice—unexpectedly calm like a priest at a confessional, made me blink.
“I remembered the last fight I had with Tony. I was horrible. He never understood the lifestyle or why I kept going to Noah. Love doesn’t require a price, doesn’t mean I needed to prove myself through pain and submission. That was his favorite argument.”
“What did you tell him?”
“That BDSM is as simple as liking a different ice cream flavor. Different people express love in different ways.”
Nick smiled at that, a point for me. He folded the paper, as if waiting for me to open up all along. “Are you close with Tony?”
“The foster system brought us together. He’s like my brother. When I started seeing Noah, we argued so much. Thinking back, Tony only cared about my wellbeing, and I was too blind to see Noah possessed flaws, too, like any other man.” I hesitated, not sure if I wanted Nick to know the truth, but why stop now?
“Noah saw a therapist when we were teenagers, said he got better, but I knew the truth. He didn’t want to get better, insisted nothing had been wrong with him in the first place. Noah pretended, until he perfected the role of appearing in control all the time,” Nick said.
“Charming, classy, and handsome … those had been the words I described to Tony. I convinced myself I was lucky. For a boy who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and suddenly finding out there were more like him, those who came out at night to play in the dark, meeting Noah had been destiny,” I said.
“You knew what he was though?” No judgment lingered in Nick’s voice. His steel gray gaze held mine. “He fooled me, too, Julian. I wanted to believe the brother I grew up with, who faced down school bullies with me and navigated the waters of the lifestyle with me … I hoped he’d still be there. There’s nothing wrong with admitting mistakes.”
“The first time I noticed the cracks in Noah’s mask was during a Shibari scene at one of the clubs we frequented. The knots didn’t feel right. I called ‘yellow’ when dizziness swamped me and yelled ‘red’ just before unconsciousness took me.”
Noticing Nick’s jaw tightened and his eyes turned hard, I swallowed and continued, “The next time I woke, I lay in one of the club couches, resting. I overhead one of the DMs arguing with Noah. And you know what? I defended him and made up excuses for him.”
“Noah and I learned from the same Shibari master. He knew what he was doing,” Nick said.
A shiver crept down my spine. I rubbed at my wrists, remembering the rope digging into my pulse and the strange look Noah had worn at that time—delirious, a little wild and mad.
“That wasn’t the only incident.” I didn’t want to elaborate, to reveal the ugly contents of my soul to Nick. He reached for my hand across the table, large fingers squeezing mine in reassurance.
“This is a safe place, Julian. I’m here to listen. That’s all. You need to rid your soul of the unnecessary weight. Don’t blame yourself.”
“How can I not? Nick, despite knowing something wasn’t entirely right, I stayed.” Tears welled in my eyes. Jesus Christ. How many times did Nick have to see me cry? He must be sick of it by now. “You got to understand, Noah had been my sole gateway to that world. Without him, I’m nothing. I’d still be lost, still be thinking I’m fucked-up and wrong.”
“Nothing wrong with refusing to believe the worst in those we love.” Nick stroked my hand, the gesture relaxing, somehow able to keep the bad memories at bay.
“I wanted him to be the perfect, to be ‘the one’.” I let out a hysterical laugh. “I told him all my weaknesses, my fear of the dark, and he used that against me.”
Nick rose from his feet, unlacing our fingers. Desperation to be touched by him and be comforted overwhelmed me. It would kill me if he walked away.
“Stand up,” he barked.
Firm orders, direction—exactly what I needed. I stood from my chair, about to fall to my knees, eager to feel his hand on my hair, and weep in relief. Nick banded one arm around me waist and pulled me into an unexpected embrace. Unbelievable warmth suffused me. Our bodies touched.
Nick didn’t kiss me, didn’t do anything but hold me. All the tension leaked out of my body. My muscles grew slack. N
ick took my full weight. I buried my head against his shoulder and started to shake.
“Let it all out, Julian. That’s a command,” Nick said, voice composed, patient.
I sobbed and shook, emptied it all out like Nick commanded. I slumped against him after, resting my chin on his shoulder.
“Thank you,” I whispered, meaning the words.
Shame filled me now. I wanted to jump Nick’s bones the moment he led me out of hell. With Noah, I had to earn the tiniest bit of affection, but Nick gave it freely. I didn’t deserve a man like him.
“Feeling better?” he asked.
“Loads.”
Nick lifted my chin and licked away the lingering tears on my cheeks. “Clean up. Take a shower and get dressed.” At my blank look, he sighed. “You want to head to town with me, right?”
My gaze found the phone on the table, another gift from Nick which I didn’t deserve. The adult thing was to leave Nick the hell alone. Take his advice and learn to move on. If I couldn’t take it step-by-step, I’d crawl inch-by-inch away from the past.
“I think I’ll stay here. Call Tony up and explain the situation—not the entire truth, but enough so he wouldn’t worry. I should … warn him about Noah, too.”
“And what will you tell your friend about me?” Nick didn’t sound suspicious, merely curious.
“That I’m safe and staying with a friend.”
Nick regarded me for a couple of seconds, looking at me with those steel-gray eyes of his capable of stripping down my barriers and reading my deepest secrets. I couldn’t lie with Nick. It was virtually impossible to. He nodded. Disappointment flashed through his eyes, before certainty filled them, knowledge that he knew what I planned to do and couldn’t put into words.
“Good luck.”
His two words sounded like a farewell.
“You go. I’ll clean up here,” I said lamely, gesturing to the dishes.
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
Nick hesitated before planting a kiss on my lips that tasted a little of sorrow. Turning his broad back, Nick started walking to the front door, not bothering to pick up the car keys in the fruit bowl.
His Brand of Love Page 5