Breathe. Take it easy. Don’t reveal your cards. I dug my nails into my palms. Fortunately, Noah lost interest in me for a moment.
“You were lenient with the dog, Nick. That’s unexpected.” Noah took a step closer, clothes brushing against Julian’s bare skin. Trembles crept up and down Julian’s body. Twisting his head to look at me, I met his gaze.
Be brave. Be mine. I won’t let him hurt you, ever again.
I silently willed the words, hoping Julian understood.
Julian let out a whimper when Noah rested the barrel of the gun on his lower spine. Goosebumps broke across Julian’s skin. Panicked, Julian breathed hard and dug his nails into the flooring.
Hold still. Endure it a little longer, baby.
I crossed my arms. “Why? I waited for you, like always.”
“Did you?”
“I hoped you’d find us sooner.”
Noah snorted. “I don’t believe you. Why did you take my pet, Nick? I would have shared him with you. You didn’t have to fucking strangle me to death.”
“Nearly strangle you to death,” I corrected. “You pissed me off, little brother. Finding this boy, keeping him to yourself and only showing him off to me after you broke him? Fucking rude. Remember Dash?”
“I haven’t thought of Dash in ages,” Noah murmured, sounding distracted. “Bad little doggie. Tell me, have you ever been fucked with a gun?”
“Wait.” The word flew out of my mouth before I could stop myself.
Noah’s head whipped upwards, eyes narrowing at me.
“Don’t forget to turn the safety on. Accidentally killing off your pet isn’t on the agenda, right?”
Noah snorted, clicking it on. “Aren’t you ever the practical asshole, Nick?”
“Julian, come here now,” I barked harshly, unable to stand the sight of Noah touching Julian, much less standing so close to him.
Julian belonged to me now, mine to protect and save—or if not save, salvage. My love to inflict pain and his love to receive it, bound us. This time I wouldn’t hesitate. Noah might be blood, but Julian completed my soul.
Scrambling to his feet, Julian ran behind me. Smart kid. Cursing under his breath, Noah fumbled with the safety. Reaching for Julian’s wrist, I gave it a squeeze, feeling his racing pulse. I ran my brother down, tackling him with all the strength I possessed.
We hit the ground, a tangle heap of limbs and blunt force. Before, I’d caught Noah unawares. Not this time. Gun in hand, he aimed at my head. Thrusting a hand upwards, I caught his arm. Noah drove his fist into my ribs, driving the air out of my lungs. I’d taken worse hits, but a man on the verge of insanity proved hard to predict.
Pain exploded across my skull, momentarily disorienting my senses. The metal flashed across my nose, breaking it, not for the first time. My back hit the carpeting. Positions reversed, Noah straddled me, one hand wrapped around my throat, the other fumbling with his gun.
“Nick!” Julian cried out. “Get away from him.”
Wood clashed with flesh. Blinking, my vision cleared to see Julian wielding the cane I’d used on him the night before. Growling, Noah caught the end, yanking it away from Julian, who stumbled.
Time to play dirty. I jerked my knee upwards, hitting Noah in the groin. Howling in pain, Noah fell on his side. The gun went off, bullet ricocheting. Gripping his arm, I peeled the gun off his fingers and slapped it away.
Noah shrieked, glaring at me with accusatory eyes. “How could you, Nick? I’m your fucking brother. Didn’t you tell me all those years ago you’d protect me from everything and everyone—Father, the fucking bullies at school, and even the rest of the world if they fucked with us? What happened?”
Old memories rose from the deep recesses of my mind, threatening to drown me in weakness. I saw Noah at twelve, dragging Dash behind him. Blood coated the golden retriever’s pelt, tire marks telling the cause of death. We’d fought over that damn dog every day ever since our mother gave Dash to us.
Noah cried that day. Didn’t stop even when our father told him to shut up and yanked the belt off his belt loops to teach him a lesson. I took the punishment for Noah like always, hoping our father would leave my brother to his grief. Of course, the fucker didn’t. He let out his anger on both of us.
Noah and I inherited his temper. I buried it a little better, under years of discipline.
Like before, I hesitated for a fraction of a second, enabling Noah to swipe the gun. Noah pointed it at Julian.
“Move another inch, pet, and I’ll blow your head off,” Noah said, voice returning to normal.
Had it all been an act?
I let out a laugh that didn’t sound quite sane to my ears.
“Why the fuck are you laughing? You don’t think I’ll do it, Nick?” Noah thundered. Veins popped across his face. Spittle flew from his lips.
“Like this, you remind me so much of him.”
Noah froze at those words. We both knew who “him” was.
“Take those words back, Nick.” Noah jammed the barrel right between my eyes. The metal dug into my skin. Better me staring death in the face than Julian.
Run, baby. Run as fast as your feet could carry you.
As I heard the creaking hinges of the door and Julian’s stumbling footsteps on the hardwood floors, relief flooded me. Good boy.
“Fuck you, Nick. Don’t be a dick. I’m not like him. He fucked us both, but—”
“You took away another person’s freedom, didn’t stop when he begged you to. Doesn’t that sound fucking familiar?”
Noah’s fingers found my throat again, applying pressure, but I didn’t panic. I practiced breath play on myself, used all the implements on my skin and perfected my control before using them on a sub. Noah wouldn’t kill me, not yet.
“I left the front door open, never locked it,” I rasped.
“I saw. Why?”
I told him the truth. “I wanted you to come home. Some part of me believed you could still be saved.”
Noah loosened his grip, staring at me. The lines on his face smoothened. With the anger disappearing, he looked less like the bastard who’d fathered us. I saw the frightened boy staring back at me from the eyes of the man my brother became. Our roles could have easily been reversed.
It never occurred to me Noah didn’t like what he became.
“Let’s end this together, baby brother.”
I held out a hand towards Noah, a silent plea. Biting on his lip, he handed me the gun.
“I’ll wind up in hell, you think?”
“Nah. Hell’s for pussies.” That got a laugh out of him. For those last few moments, I got my brother again.
“Will it hurt?”
“I’ll make sure you’ll only feel it for a second,” I promised.
With expert hands, I held his gun steady. I turned the weapon over. Looking at it closely now, I noticed it was old, well maintained—our grandfather’s old shotgun. What went wrong with my brother? I often asked myself that question. Noah had never been really free of the past.
This had been the only solution from the start. I knew I couldn’t take my brother’s life. We’d shared and seen too much. Killing Noah would be like tearing off my own vital organs. Could have been born twins, Noah said. We buried our family together, only right we died together.
In a way, Noah didn’t come here to take Julian. Noah expressed his love in the only way he knew how, the way our father did, by truly harming someone. He’d never really been suited for BDSM. Obsession claimed Noah. He’d never stop hunting Julian down, and if I died, no one would stop Noah. They wouldn’t know the first place to look for him.
I’d left the front door opened, knowing he’d come. Noah entered this house, understanding I could offer him the one gift that would give him respite.
Death. Ours.
I looked him in the eye, raising the gun.
I thought it would feel heavy, that pulling the trigger would suck all the strength and determination I summoned. The gun felt
light in my hands. We’d shot our dad with this gun, this weapon of murder that in the end, turned into a tool of salvation. Peace suffused me. Never before did I feel so certain in my life.
Julian would hurt. No one came out of something like this without earning scars, but he’d heal. My sweet boy would find someone else, someone worthy. Any other damaged sub who’d endured what Julian did at the hands of my brother wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between Noah and me at first glance.
Julian said I was better, but was I?
“See you on the other side?” Nick asked.
My answer seemed to matter, so I nodded. “Wherever we end up in, let’s cause some havoc.”
I pulled the trigger. My brother died smiling. Noah’s corpse slumped against me. Soon, his skin would turn cold, his limbs heavy.
The door opened again, revealing Julian, panting, holding one of the guns I’d hidden in my room. He looked at my bloodstained face and hands, saying nothing. I’m a man of my word. My life would be next, but I had a little housekeeping left. I needed to send Julian home, make sure he was safe. Noah and I had caused Julian more harm than good.
Knowing he’d need stability, I’d send a trusted Dom his way. I trusted Chris with my life. He’d know how to handle Julian and help him get back on his feet. Julian didn’t need to know anything about my death. Chris would tell him I’ve disappeared, gone for good.
Eventually, the memory of this nightmare would no longer haunt him. He’d be able to sleep soundly at night, tucked in the arms of some caring Dom, one that didn’t wear his old tormentor’s face.
An ache lodged in my heart. I could forget about following Noah to death, but would Noah be all right, even in the afterlife?
“It’s really over?” Julian whispered.
“Yes, he’s gone, Julian. Truly.”
Leaning against the door, Julian clutched at his chest, as if fearing his heart would burst right out.
“You don’t have to look or stay for this.”
“You’ll need to … bury the body, right? I’ll help,” Julian said.
“Are you sure?”
“Noah’s gone. A body won’t scare me.”
“You’re been through enough.”
“I’ll be fine,” he insisted.
Knowing how stubborn he could be, I said, “Very well.”
Chapter Twelve
Julian
I sat on the steps leading to the backyard, staring. Noah’s stiffening fingers peered out from the sheet Nick had wrapped him in. Time froze when Nick ended Noah’s life, and it never really resumed. Nick reassured me it was all over, ringing finality in his words, but I couldn’t believe it. The cold autumn air caressed my skin, and I wished I’d worn warmer clothes instead of putting on whatever I could find.
A corpse—that was all Noah had been reduced to. I should feel relieved, happy my dreams and nights would be mine again, but I wasn’t. Even if Noah’s gone, the nightmares weren’t. They’d stay with me forever, a part of me I’d be unable to be rid of.
“Julian.” Nick looked at me with tired eyes.
When had he reappeared?
A moment ago, he’d entered the old shed by the enormous oak trees. Was it seconds ago, or minutes?
Time passed differently now. Nick dragged two rusty shovels behind him. I remembered the story of how Noah and he had buried the body of their father right here. One look told him the yard hadn’t been maintained in a long while. Long grass tickled my ankles. Wildflowers bloomed crimson and violet, but nothing grew around the tree but a patch of dirt.
“Nick, did you say something?”
“You don’t have to do this.”
“You sound like a broken record,” I teased.
Nick didn’t crack a smile. I felt like an asshole. His brother had just died by his own hands. Nick killed Noah to save me. Nothing could right that wrong. Something about those last moments bugged the hell out of me though. Noah had entered the bedroom, guns blazing, murder in his eyes. What changed when I ran out of the room to get Nick’s gun?
Since Nick didn’t seem like in the mood for sharing, I never asked, despite wanting to.
“I won’t ask again then. Come.”
Nick offered me a shovel. Accepting it, I clutched at the handle, wondering why it felt so heavy. I followed Nick to the tree. A crude cross marked the spot where his father was buried. I saw Nick and Noah’s younger selves in my mind’s eye, frightened boys forced to pull the trigger to save themselves and their mother.
“Is she buried here, too?” I asked.
Nick shook his head. “She’s buried in the cemetery behind St. Anne’s, the church nearby where she used to go to when we were kids.”
He let out a harsh laugh. “The old folks opposed it at first, because she killed herself. Noah and I fought them, told them the Catholic Church made exceptions for suicide cases if the person wasn’t in the best mental state of mind.”
Planting one foot at the hem of the shovel, Nick sank the blade in the tough soil. With a grunt, he pulled, coming away with dirt.
“Why fight so hard?”
“She wanted to be buried with her God, my God, too, I suppose.”
I blinked. “That’s surprising. You believing in God I mean.”
Nick let out a laugh, more of a bark, and continued to dig. We worked in silence, the backbreaking work taking away all my apprehension.
“Have I told you? Noah got kicked out from his own BDSM club. Well, both of us along with a few others were co-owners.”
I didn’t know what to think of this chatty new Nick. I hungered to know more about him though. Living with Nick provided me of glimpses of the scared boy who grew into this brave man, but I wanted more.
With Noah gone… God, I couldn’t even begin to think beyond the present. With the one threat binding Nick and me eliminated, what would happen to us then? Was there even an “us”? My stomach plummeted at the thought. Last night had altered us, but could Noah’s death be the ultimate game-changer?
“What happened?” I asked, doing my best to keep my voice steady.
“He went too far, ignored a sub’s safeword. The other partners wanted him gone, but Chris and I pleaded on his behalf, told them he’d get better. I gave him conditions he ignored. Noah had always been a good actor. I told him to go clean, take a break from the lifestyle.”
I knew where this was going.
“You found me instead,” I answered.
“I did.”
Nick put his shovel aside. He walked back to Noah’s corpse, tossed it over his shoulder like it weighed nothing, and returned to me and the hole we’d dug. With unexpected gentleness, Nick lowered Noah’s body. The white sheet, speckled with spots of blood, contrasted sharply with the dark earth.
“Have I thanked you properly for saving me?” I asked.
The world fell silent again. Not a sound of birds chirping or leaves rustling. It was maddening to be in this strange place of death and not feel discomfort. I needed conversation to fill the empty space.
“You thank me plenty of times, even though I saved you by accident.” Nick started heaping dirt on the grave. My arms and back ached, but I didn’t want to appear weak. Soldiering on, I picked up the shovel and tossed more clumps of dirt into the hole.
“I don’t believe in chance. You were meant to save me,” I said.
We piled more soil until Noah’s corpse was no longer visible.
“Believe what you like.” Nick stretched his dirt-covered hand. Numb, I returned the shovel to him.
“You could throw those away. You no longer need them, right?”
Nick kept silent, walking back to the shed. Feeling foolish, I stared at the fresh patch of newly turned earth. I swallowed, imagining Noah opening his eyes, moving sluggishly at first, before clawing his way upwards to drag me down with him.
Shivering, I crossed my arms, rubbing at the goosebumps on my skin. Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I jumped, relaxing after seeing Nick.
“Let’s go back in. Hungry?”
Shoulder-to-shoulder, we walked back in. Nick’s fingers brushed mine. Smiling, reassured he appeared back to normal, I gave his digits a squeeze. Nick didn’t return the smile, but that was fine. He grieved for Noah. In my own way, I was the same.
“He had his good moments, too,” I said for Nick’s sake. We climbed the stairs and kicked off our shoes before returning inside. Back in the living room, my chest no longer tightened with emotion. It felt easier to breathe.
Nick finally said, “Mostly bad, but he had good ones, too.”
“Yeah.” I ran out of good things to say about Noah.
“What are you in the mood for, pizza, Chinese or both?” Nick asked, reaching for the landline.
“Definitely both. I’m using the shower first.”
Entering the bathroom, I closed the door behind me and pressed my back against the wood. Safe where Nick couldn’t see me, I broke down, slumping against the door and into the floor. Sobs racked me. I curled my knees to my chest and started to cry.
It finally hit me.
“Noah’s really gone,” I whispered.
Hearing footsteps behind the door, every muscle in my body froze. I silently willed Nick to come in, to pull him in his arms and give me comfort. When he backed away, disappointment filled me. I didn’t deserve to be selfish.
“He killed his own brother for you. Of course he’s still grieving,” I muttered to myself furiously.
Rising to my feet, I peeled the dirt-covered jeans and shirt off, doubtful I’d be wearing them again. With a sigh, I entered the shower and turned the water to maximum. The sensation of water against my skin felt amazing, seemingly able to cleanse away the taint on my skin and my soul.
“Free.” I breathed out the word, hardly believing it myself.
Despite what I’d gone through with Noah, some crazy part of me thought I was cheating on Noah with Nick. Illogical, but it made perfect sense, too. Felt like I traded the fucked-up brother who never turned out quite right for the better version, but Nick had his share of scars, too.
His Brand of Love Page 8