“E?” Dori’s usually soft tone was more pressing now. “E? Is it true? Did you brand that girl? The one who killed Nathan?”
Finishing what was left in my glass, I sent it down hard onto the bar. “More,” I barked, before turning to Dori.
“Explain to me,” I bit out, “how the fuck any of this is your business?”
Gripping the edge of the bar, holding tightly to it so as not to fall off her stool, she leaned forward. “I worry about you,” she whispered, her eyes darting to the bartender. “That girl is insane. She belongs back in the wild. What if she kills you in your sleep?”
No need to worry about that, the voice said. She’s gone now.
Tensing, my jaw locked, I glared at Dori. “She won’t. Now shut the fuck up.”
“E—”
“Shut up, Dori!” I roared, slamming my open palm down on the bar.
Dori’s tiny frame jumped and a shiver of fear rippled through her. “E, I only meant—”
“I know what the fuck you meant,” I growled. “You live for this shit, always up in everyone’s goddamn business because you’ve got no fucking business of your own.”
Another drink came crashing down in front of me, the amber liquid sloshing over the edge of the glass. “Don’t speak to her like that,” the bartender said, his voice more masculine and fierce than I’d ever heard it before.
Palming my drink, I gave him nasty grin before downing the contents in two large swallows. Then I slid off my stool, and still gripping the glass, I pinned the bartender with a stare. “You don’t talk to me like that.” And then I whipped the glass over the bar.
He ducked, the glass just barely missing his forehead. It collided with the wall behind him, shattered, and sent shards of glass flying. Curses followed as I walked away, but as for what damage I might have done to him, I didn’t know, and I sure as shit didn’t care. I was out the door before the final shard hit the floor.
I stopped just outside the door. Right here, right in this exact place was where I’d first seen Autumn. Wild eyed, beaten down, covered in her own shit, she had glared up at me, looking terrified but determined.
Smirking, I dropped to her level and leaned in close enough to get a hearty whiff of body odor and shit, probably her own. Smart woman . . . the worse you smelled, the less the rotters noticed you.
“Welcome to Purgatory,” I said coldly, lifting my brow. “Last stop on the road to hell.”
The vision of her hanging limply before me as I gave the order to send her to the brothel evaporated, and the booze in my belly began to curdle. Running a hand over my freshly shorn head, I staggered off the steps.
I could have taken her right then and there, could have saved her from ever having to step foot inside the Cave, from having to kill someone, from all of it. I could have snatched her up, and while everyone was busy fixing the broken gate, I could have sneaked her out and sent her back to her life.
Sweat gathered on my forehead, and my hands grew warm and clammy.
I could have saved myself from ever having to experience that kiss, that motherfucking kiss that had gone on for hours. Her soft hair in my hands, her smooth skin beneath my roughened palms. That openmouthed, breathless look she’d given me every time we’d come up for air. And the way her body had bowed into mine, the way she’d turned up her face, seeking more.
You did this to yourself, the voice said, but not in a mocking way. Instead the voice sounded sad and pitying.
No. No . . .
“Fuck!” I shouted, looking wildly around. This wasn’t going to happen. This wasn’t how this shit was going to end. She wasn’t going to come thrashing into my life like a rabid dog, forcing me to . . . to . . . And then making me . . .
“FUCK!” I bellowed, grabbing my head.
I needed her back. I needed her because I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t go back . . . to that.
Dropping my hands, I took off in a run, weaving around the buildings until I broke free into the grass. My truck was just up ahead with a full tank of gas, glinting brightly among the rows of vehicles, beckoning me.
I yanked my keys free as I came to a crashing stop at the driver’s side door. Fumbling for a moment, I unlocked the door and wrenched it open. Breathing heavily, I jumped inside and started the engine, floored the gas, and set the tires spinning before I’d even closed the door.
It was a straight shot to the gate entrance that Wildcat had destroyed, but it had been repaired in such a way that it wasn’t a viable exit for me. I had no choice but to circle the entire compound and head toward the main gate where nearly half the guards would be waiting, all of them armed.
Shit. I eased my foot off the gas. I had minimal weapons on me, and only a few in the bed of my truck.
“Fuck it,” I muttered, flooding the engine. It would have to do.
When I pulled up to a rolling stop at the front gate, I was swarmed by men, all peering curiously at me. Rolling down my window, I did my best to appear angrier than I actually was. Because what I was actually feeling was strung the fuck out.
“You’re not on the list for a run today,” one of them said as he looked over my lap and into the passenger seat.
“Open the fucking gate,” I snarled. “I don’t fucking answer to you.”
The man who’d spoken to me shared a look with another man, this one older and probably his superior. The old man stepped forward as the younger one hurried to get out of his way.
“There’s no problem with you leaving, E,” he said, looking thoughtful. “But we’re gonna have to check the truck, make sure you’re not leaving with anything that don’t belong to you.”
I wanted to wrap my hands around his throat and shake him. Just this morning Autumn had left through these very gates, unauthorized no less, and no one had given it a second thought. Either they hadn’t recognized her, or because she’d been with the doctor and a contingent of guards, they didn’t see any need for concern. But the rules were still clear—no female was to leave these gates without permission from both her man and the ruling couple in charge. And there wasn’t a chance in hell Liv would have let Autumn out of Purgatory.
For a second I contemplated asking the guards what direction the team this morning had taken, but I didn’t want to rouse their suspicions. These lackeys worked for Liv and Jeffers, and if Liv caught wind of this mess, Autumn would be better off living in a sewer.
“Everything in this truck is mine,” I gritted out. Gripping the steering wheel in an attempt to keep my hands from encircling his neck, I squeezed it tightly. “You’re really gonna make me wait? I’m losing daylight here.”
Clucking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, the older man raised his bushy salt-and-pepper brows. “You’re scavenging today?”
My nostrils flared. “Why the fuck else would I leave?”
“True that,” another man said, snickering. “Ain’t no one in their right mind wants to be out there.”
Except Autumn, I thought bitterly. And Wildcat. Both women I’d found myself mixed up with.
Yeah, the voice said, giggling. Your track record really sucks.
“All right,” the older man muttered. Lifting two fingers in the air, he twirled them in a circle. “Open ’em up, boys!”
A switch was flipped, killing the power to this portion of the fence, and the motor affixed to the entrance roared to life. Slowly, inch by motherfucking inch, the gate began to open. Anxiously tapping my foot on the gas pedal, I clenched my jaw, grinding my teeth while waiting impatiently for these fucking assholes to get the hell out of my way.
When they finally moved, when the gate was fully open and my path was clear, I jerked my chin in thanks to the older man and slammed down on the gas. A cloud of gravel and dirt kicked up behind me as I left Purgatory in my rearview.
The road was dead ahead; no time to sit and fucking ponder which direction I was going to take. Split-second decision making told me to hook a left and so I did, speeding down the empty road on my way to
nowhere.
Chapter Thirty
Autumn
I ran and ran, splashing easily through the water and moving quickly over the patches of rough, rocky terrain. Muscle memory kicked in, helping me instinctively anticipate every small dip in the earth, every grouping of rocks. I didn’t look back once, and I didn’t think of anything but getting home, back to my cave.
“Home,” I chanted under my breath in time to the slosh of the water beneath my feet. “Home, home, home.”
I ran until I reached another curve in the rocks, and just behind it, raised several feet off the ground, was a small slit of an entrance, barely big enough for me to slip through. Grabbing hold of an overhanging rock, I pulled my body up and hooked my foot inside. Inch by inch, I slid through the opening until I was fully engulfed. Pressing my back against the wall, sucking my stomach in, I shimmied for several more feet until all at once it opened up.
I was home.
The first thing I noticed was the smell, how horrible it was. I’d never noticed it before, but now it was potent enough to cause me to cough and gag. Ignoring it, I moved deeper inside, the shadows opening up to me like the familiar arms of my father, pulling me into his warm and protective embrace.
Tears stung my eyes. Home, I was home. Despite everything, I had made it back.
Finding the mound of dirt and leaves in the darkness I’d once called my bed, I sat down and sank to my side, curling up amongst the filth, letting my heartbeat slow down and my ragged breathing calm.
But my bed didn’t feel quite the same; in fact, it smelled different and felt strange and uncomfortable. Suddenly I missed my green blanket, the one Eagle had given me that first night, and the way its cool softness encapsulated my body.
I sat up, suddenly recognizing other things. The darkness, it was so very, very dark here. So dark I could barely make out my fingers in front of my face. And the cave itself, it felt oddly quiet. I had always embraced the silence, the quiet of this place, with only the slow trickle of water from the stream and the echo of my own footsteps. Only now there were no heavy snores coming from another room, no muttered curses, no thump-thump of fists against leather, no angry stomping of booted feet. Now there was only silence, a silence that I had craved once, and yet now this silence frightened me.
Overwhelmed with the quiet, I reached across my bedding and back behind a large rock. I’d kept my meager belongings inside an old aluminum lunchbox there, but when I pawed at its normal resting place, it was missing.
Panicking, I rolled over onto my hands and knees to search through the darkness, desperate for one thing—a photo of my father and mother taken on their wedding day, the only photo I had of either of them. Over and over again, my fingertips grazed over dirt and rocks and found nothing. Sharp edges of rocks dug small scratches into my skin, bringing a sharp tug of pain and a dampness on my fingertips as drops of blood welled up and dripped onto the dusty ground.
Frantic now, I gasped as tears formed at the thought of having lost the only thing of value to me. I crawled deeper inside the cave, patting the ground all around me. It had to be here somewhere; it had to be. Not long ago I’d been accustomed to this, to the darkness and the smells, to the texture of the cave’s surfaces, but now it all felt wrong somehow. It felt foreign to me, as if I had never belonged here at all. The darkness that had once made me feel safe had become a frustrating barrier.
Collapsing into the dirt and gripping my chest, I let out a sobbing wail. I hated Eagle now. It was all his fault; he’d made me lose this place. And now I was lost in my own home, and lost to him too. I didn’t belong here or there. I belonged nowhere, and had no home. I had nothing now, and it was down to him and that . . . kiss. Even my father’s voice had vanished from my head, making me truly alone in every sense of the word.
Frustrated, I sat up and wiped my dirty hands across my face, attempting to wipe away the tears that wouldn’t stop. Eagle had taken everything from me, and his kiss last night only cemented that loss for me. Touching a finger to my mouth, I traced my bottom lip, remembering how he’d sucked it into his mouth and how hard he had kissed me, how eager he’d been.
A strangled cry lodged in my throat as the tears fell faster. I was so confused. So torn. So lost.
I’d loved this cave, and now I hated it.
I’d hated Eagle, and now I . . .
I slumped forward, lowering myself onto the ground, needing to feel the unforgiving earth against my bare cheek. This earth and I, we were connected—we’d gone through so much together. She’d seen me through the hardest times in my life, and I her. The earth was my mother and I was her child, but now . . .
It was time for me to leave her, and I ached at that loss. Because this was all I knew, all I remembered. But I couldn’t do this anymore, couldn’t be here.
Dust blew up as my ragged breaths evened out. Soft particles of dirt rained against my skin as I mumbled my tearful good-byes, apologizing to her and to my home because I already knew I’d never be coming back here again.
Eventually I stood, straightened out my filthy clothing, and wiped the last of the tears from my cheeks as I felt my way back toward the entrance. Almost there, my foot knocked against something solid, making a muffled clanging sound.
Gasping, I dropped to my knees and found my lunch box. I hugged it tightly to my chest as happiness surged through me. I fumbled to open it, the latch rusted and old, but inside there it was, amid the pretty colored rocks and dried flowers I’d collected over the years was the photograph of my parents. Clutching it against my heart, I started for the entrance again, the slivers of sunlight streaming in and beckoning me back to the outside world. To a world I wanted to belong to again.
After slipping through the entrance, I jumped to the ground and stared down at the photo in my hand. My mother, looking so beautiful in her wedding gown. And my father, so handsome, and looking at his wife with his eyes wide but his expression soft, both in love and in awe of her. Her hands covered her belly, the beginning of a roundness there starting to show. The beginning of me.
Every time I’d ever looked at this picture, I wished that someday a man would look at me that way, that someday I’d have the sort of love my parents had. Now, as I stared down at it, I realized a man had looked at me like that, just this morning in fact, with wide, soft eyes.
Pressing my lips together and tasting the dirt on them, I breathed in a shuddering breath through my nose. Then I bent down and tucked the photo of my parents back inside the opening of the cave and covered it with rocks, burying them together, burying the girl I’d once been, giving us all the final resting place that we’d been deprived of.
Then I said a quick, poorly worded prayer and turned around to head back the way I’d come. Back to Jonah and the guards. Back to Purgatory.
And back to Eagle.
Chapter Thirty-One
Eagle
Nothing.
There was nothing anywhere.
I didn’t know how long I drove, only that I’d eventually run out of gas and had to stop to fill up on the side of the road. I must have been noisy about it because a couple of rotters shambled out of the underbrush, nearly catching me unaware. I spent a good half an hour putting them down before backtracking in the direction I’d come. But instead of passing by Purgatory, I pulled out a map and went down a few side roads headed north. When I still hadn’t encountered a single living thing, I decided on southwest, which led me to another version of the same.
Nothing. Nothing but countryside speckled with the occasional rotter, and small towns, all but abandoned and picked clean. Autumn could be anywhere. Hell, she’d probably escaped the guards already and was long gone.
Still, I kept driving, turning down unfamiliar roads, scanning long stretches of overgrown farmland and the bursts of forest between.
Nothing.
Now I was seated on top of a pharmacy counter inside a drugstore in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere. The shop had long ago been picked clean, and now house
d a couple of cat-sized rats and a leathery-looking rotter swinging from the ceiling with a noose around its neck.
It was still alive, but without any sort of muscle mass and a nearly petrified body, the thing could barely move other than to track me with its cloudy eyes.
Lifting a bottle of wine I’d found beneath a fallen display case, I raised it in a toast to the rotter and took a healthy swig, grimacing at the sugary-sweet taste of it. Staring at the dirty floor beneath me, I spit out the wine, then tipped the bottle over and watched as the contents poured out to mix with the grime and dust and dirt below.
“Like black blood,” I muttered, and then I laughed, loud and long and full of bitter resentment.
I was a fool. Not once, but twice I’d fucked up, first with Wildcat and then with Autumn, both women I hardly knew. And all for what? For this. For nothing.
What the fuck had been my plan exactly? To chase Autumn down, and then what? Force her to stay with me? Like I’d tried to do with Wildcat? Because that had worked out so well.
I laughed again and whipped the bottle at the floor. It shattered, the force of the impact causing shards to fly upward. Lifting my arm, I barely had time to cover my face before bits of glass, large and small, sliced through my skin.
And I kept laughing, because the pain was all I had left.
If only your uncle could see you now, the voice said, its tone distinctly patronizing. You know what he’d call you?
“Yeah,” I ground out. “He’d call me a fucking pussy. He’d tell me to stop acting like a little girl and suck it the fuck up.”
Be a man, he’d always said, and if your britches fall down, you pull them the hell up and keep moving.
“What the fuck have I been doing all these years?” I shouted.
You call this being a man? You’ve been hiding! Feeling sorry for yourself, and hurting others because you can’t face what you did!
Beneath Blood and Bone Page 21