The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel

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The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel Page 17

by Don Marquis


  easily persuaded to talk

  about himself what i

  want to do he said is get to

  america right after

  the peace conference and

  write a book about my

  experiences as czar and

  ex czar before some faker gets

  ahead of me there are

  millions and millions of men who

  understand russia from the

  inside so they say but my

  story is unique i am the

  only living person who

  understands russia from the

  outside if some one would lend me a

  pair of army shoes i

  could do the remaining leagues

  or versts2 as we used

  to say back home with

  less discomfort just think of it

  he said brought up in

  luxury and affluence

  with vodka flowing like water

  about the palace and now begging

  a pair of army boots which of

  course i will return as

  soon as i reach paris and

  am identified and get a

  little advance from some of the

  russians in that city i

  called at amerongen castle in

  holland and saw wilhelm

  hohenzollern and the

  darned fat head refused to

  recognize me all right bill i

  told him i scarcely recognize you

  either all is quits between us

  dont come around when i am

  making good on the

  lecture platform in

  america and ask for a hand out

  thank you for the shoes they

  are too big for me all of us

  romanoffs have small and

  aristocratic feet i

  will send them back either

  from paris or from america can you

  let me have a stamp and a

  cigarette

  1919

  JANUARY 7

  At the Tomb of Napoleon

  paris france jan seven nine

  teen nineteen well boss

  today i feel somewhat

  solemn yesterday i

  stood at the tomb of

  napoleon and beside me stood

  the man who would be

  nicholas of russia and

  czar of all the romanoffs

  if he had his rights and

  we exchanged thoughts

  on kings past present and future

  i am a king in abeyance

  said the czar i am a

  has been but i will come again

  all i want is enough

  money to get my trunks from

  siberia and my other clothes to

  appear before the peace

  conference and have my claims

  recognized alas to lose a great

  empire through lack of a

  few paltry yards of cloth and a clean

  collar and he wept for a

  moment dash bracket first i

  must tell you how the czar and i

  are able to talk with one

  another i have six legs as you

  may have noticed each leg stands

  for four letters of the

  alphabet for instance the left

  upper leg is a b c and d

  when i point up with it that is

  a when i point down with it

  it is b when i point to the right

  that is c when i point to

  the left that is d the left centre leg stands for

  e f g and h the left lower

  leg stands for i j k land

  so on with the right upper right

  centre and right lower legs

  there are twenty six letters in the

  alphabet and i can only represent

  twenty four of them so i

  get along without sometimes

  w and y bracket dash

  the czar wept for a moment and

  then he said archly the

  romanoffs were kings when the

  bonapartes were running a

  boarding house in corsica but

  behold the two of us

  napoleon and nicholas both down

  and out archy misfortune is

  the great leveller in the

  old days my great grandfather

  used to let his servants

  board with the bonapartes

  while he stayed in a swell

  hotel when he visited corsica for the

  fishing season but now

  napoleon and i are down and

  out together and of

  equal rank alas for royalty no

  matter how a family gets

  it it is hard to keep archy as

  i stand here and think

  of the troubles of royalty i

  am almost tempted never to be a

  king again i sometimes

  think it would be better to

  get a job somewhere and work

  at it if it were not

  for my unhappy people i would

  make no effort to come

  back napoleon was an

  usurper and i was a

  legitimate monarch but as i

  look upon his urn archy i

  can not but pity him archy

  there is one thing i want to speak

  to you about while i think

  of it if you are going to

  continue to travel with

  me please do not stick your

  head out of my pocket to

  listen when i speak to new

  acquaintances that marine who

  was going to lend me five

  francs the other day saw you

  peeping out of my pocket and it

  gave him the idea

  that perhaps i had fleas or

  something also and he

  hurried away you see my

  clothing is in disrepair and

  people get ideas if they see you i

  missed getting that five franc piece

  and i had intended to

  buy stamps with it and write

  a special delivery letter to siberia

  for my other clothes in

  which to appear before the

  peace conference to think that

  the indiscretions of a

  cockroach might lose a man

  an empire but it was the

  same way with napoleon

  here my grandfather told me

  that napoleon had the

  itch and that all through the

  battle of waterloo when

  he should have been looking at

  maps and things and

  giving orders he was scratching

  himself if he could have

  kept his mind on the battle he

  would have won it as usual to

  think of it one great empire lost

  on account of a cockroach and

  another because of a

  little skin eruption luck archy luck

  rules the world and

  most of mine has been bad

  lately czar i said i do not

  believe in luck if you

  had worked harder on the job

  and if napoleon here had not

  got the swell head you both

  might have kept your empires it

  was your mistakes that

  ditched you yes napoleon did make

  mistakes said the czar one

  of them was the time he invaded

  russia it was a breach of

  faith grandfather romanoff used to

  say but he forgave him and as i

  look upon his urn here

  and think how luck has laid

  him low i forgive him too us

  romanoffs always were kind hearted

  that way often i have

  heard gr
andfather romanoff tell

  how he repelled the

  invasion at the head of his

  troops he and napoleon met at

  the entrance of the kremlin

  and both drew their swords and

  rushed at each other

  but bonaparte was not as good

  a fencer as my

  grandfather romanoff he came of

  a middle class family and had few

  advantages in his youth the

  first lick he struck went

  wild and you can see the

  nick his sword made in the

  front door of the kremlin to

  this day grandfather romanoff

  disarmed him and might

  have killed him but the

  romanoffs were always the soul of

  chivalry he handed napoleon’s

  sword back to him and said i

  will give you another chance just then

  the snow began to fall and

  fell in a blinding storm they

  fought for two hours in a snow

  so dense they could not see

  each others faces but only the

  sword blades and the sparks from

  their swords melted the snow that

  touched them and they fought in

  fog and steam my

  grandfather romanoff wounded

  him nine times and beat him

  back and he left russia at once

  but moscow had been ignited

  by the sparks and the greater part

  of it burned

  JANUARY 14

  Preliminary Peace

  paris france

  jan thirteen nine

  teen nineteen well boss

  i got into the

  preliminary peace conference

  yesterday but the czar remained

  outside i went in his

  pocket to the foreign

  office in the quai

  dorsay we got there just

  after foch1 and

  clemenceau2 and the czar

  started to walk right past

  the soldiers on guard

  but could not get away with

  it i dropped quietly to the

  ground however and

  entered—all those rulers and

  premiers and so forth were

  sitting at a long table

  and for a minute

  after i came in there was

  nothing but a

  solemn silence then foch

  arose and went

  down the table and

  paused by clemenceau aha

  thought i now we are

  about to hear

  something but all foch

  said was do you have a

  cigarette here are the

  makings said the premier

  bull3 asked foch and

  everybody laughed

  just then a man with a

  silver chain around his

  neck discovered me and

  i beat a retreat

  while the beating was good

  and rejoined the

  czar who was in the street

  pretending he was not

  the czar at all but

  trying to pass himself

  off as a bulsheviki

  archy he told me later

  if i can once get in

  incognito i will

  reveal my true identity

  later i saw

  your friends hermione and

  fothergil in the crowd outside

  hanging onto the

  picket fence from which i

  judge she is not

  yet a delegate

  JANUARY 20

  No Water Bug

  paris france jan

  twenty nineteen nineteen

  well boss what were you

  doing to let them slip

  this bone dry stuff1

  over when i was

  out of the country i

  thought you would look

  after my interests

  better than that i

  think i will stay here

  in france now

  although the language

  is a little difficult

  and i have a

  lot of competition

  the news has taken my

  thoughts away from the

  peace conference

  completely what matter

  which kind of a world

  they make if you

  can not get a

  drink in it

  i am no water bug

  FEBRUARY 24

  Safer in America

  paris somewhere in february

  well boss we are

  about to start for

  america the czar and i

  in the stokehold

  if i cannot get a

  hearing before the

  peace conference

  as the czar of all

  the romanoffs my friend

  says to me today i

  will go to

  america and be a

  bolshevist

  czar i said to him

  why not go to russia

  if you feel inclined to

  be a bolshevist it

  is safer in america

  he replied

  MARCH 5

  An Interview with Mehitabel

  I was surprised the other day, watching a detachment of soldiers leaving a troopship, to see a large cat slip quietly through the crowd, and, looking closely, saw to my joy that it was Mehitabel.

  Anxious to hear from her, I overtook her in a quiet street and invited her into a saloon, where I quickly engaged a private room. Poor Mehitabel was looking rather seedy, and when I ordered milk for her and something else for myself, she shook her head. “No milk for me, child,” she said, “but I don’t mind taking a little of what you’re taking. I had a terrible time on that ship—such weather—and I find a little wine of the country, or Eau de Vie1—yes, Rye will do very nicely, thanks.”

  I found she had been in Paris, with Archy, and asked after him. She was not quite satisfied with Archy. “Of course,” she went on, “I would never go back on a Cher vieux Ami2 like Archy: I am too much of a gentlewoman to do that—noblesse oblige,3 mon Capitain—but since he took up with this Czar, or Caesar (as I prefer to give the title), he has been acting strangely. I warned him against this person, but it was no use; and while I found in Paris that a little wine of the country was very beneficial (thank you, Rye will do very nicely), between ourselves, Archy should stick to grapejuice au naturel.” Here she laughed quite a little. “To see Archy try to get home after a little conviviality—his gait, even with all his legs, is quite alarming. You know, between ourselves, Colonel, only la Haute Classe4 really know how to carry their wine, and speaking for myself—thank you, Rye will do very nicely, I never could find out what Archy’s antecedents were. Some of us,” she looked at me proudly—“have Royal traditions behind us, but Archy has always been silent about his past. Of course, there is Royalty and Royalty, and I have had only too much reason to distrust all Caesars; one of them came between me and dear Mark Antony5 [here Mehitabel almost broke down] and caused, oh! so much suffering! I will never forget it: nothing that occurred in any of my other existences came near that tragedy, and I have suffered, child—suffered with the Borgias, and the Medicis. Even in later times, as the Lily6 of the stage—but I can scarcely bear to think of it all; it makes me quite faint, and it is really no wonder that I take a little wine—thank you, Rye will do very nicely. But though you see me now in a humble form, it will not always be so: many of my friends have been released into opera singers, and I have strong hopes that you, mon cher Generale, may yet be applauding me at the Metropolitan. I have quite a good voice, even now, and if you are sure the door is closed I will be glad—”

  I feared the lady was becoming a little excited, and made a diversion.

  “Tell
me, Mehitabel,” I said, “did you and Archy ever see the Sun Dial in Paris?”

  “Why, certainly,” she replied. “Not every day, but very frequently; in fact it was about all I read, for the papers—what with Bolsheviki and the demands of labor—were scarcely fit for a gentlewoman to read. I cannot bear to see the cannaille7 forgetting themselves. Now in Antony’s time—but I will not go back to that! By the way, Archy is a little cross with the ‘Boss,’ as he vulgarly calls the gentleman with the Spanish title who conducts our column.8 He has scarcely published anything from Archy for some time, but, as I say, how do we know he ever received the wireless? Since the Government took it over there is quite too much of the Arrow and the Song9 about it. Then he began to criticize the column. ‘What does he mean?’ he cried one day with the paper before him. ‘What does he mean—“wried whim-scrambled flesh”?’ I looked at the verses, over his head. “ ‘Why,’ I said, ‘that’s only his Poetic License. Any Poet is allowed a certain amount of license.’ ‘Well,’ said Archy, ‘his License ought to be revoked.’ Fancy talking like that! Poor Archy really is painfully bourgeois sometimes. I hear he is on his way across with the Caesar, but I doubt if I will stay to meet them. You know, there is something exhilarating about the wines of France—did you ever try Pontet Canet?—thank you, Rye will do very nicely! And then after July the First!10—the place will be unbearable; really, I think this country is becoming painfully bourgeois.”

  Mehitabel sat silent for some time, and nodded a little. Then she woke with a start and said something about the wine of the country, but I took her home with me, and gave her a nice bed in the parlor. “Toujours joyeuse,11 Mon Prince, toujours gai,” she murmured with a pathetic smile, as I covered her up. I left her some milk and saw that the window was a little open for air. In the morning she was gone, and the milk was untouched. I feel very anxious about her.

  —SAMUEL CARNEW

  MARCH 3

  No Beer No Work

  well boss the

  czar is now parading

  around with one

  of these no

  beer no work buttons1

  on his coat

  from which i take it

  that unless

  some one sets

  them up again he

  will refuse to

  consider being an

  emperor any more

  MARCH 17

  Royal Blood and Anarchy

  well boss the

  czar is thinking of

  becoming a bolshevik1 after

  all he read somewhere in a

  paper the other day that

 

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