The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel

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The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel Page 21

by Don Marquis


  live my own life

  no bells and pink

  ribbons for me

  archy it is me for

  the life romantic i could

  walk right into

  that cat show and get

  away with it

  archy none of those

  maltese princesses has

  anything on me in the

  way of hauteur

  or birth either or any

  of the aristocratic

  fixings and condiments

  that mark the

  cats of lady clara

  vere de vere1 but

  it bores me archy

  me for the

  wide open spaces the

  alley serenade and

  the moonlight

  sonata on the back

  fences i would

  rather kill my own

  rats and share

  them with a

  friend from greenwich

  village than lap up

  cream or beef juice

  from a silver porringer

  and have to

  be polite to the

  bourgeois clans

  that feed me

  wot the hell i

  feel superior to that

  stupid bunch me

  for a dance

  across the roofs when

  the red star2

  calls to my blood

  none of your

  pretty puss stuff for

  mehitabel it would

  give me a grouch

  to have to be so

  solemn toujours

  gai archy toujours

  gai is my

  motto

  1920

  JANUARY 17

  Archy Is Ill

  “What has become of Archy?” several Archy fans have asked us lately. Archy is ill; he is, in fact, just one frost bite from bowsprit to tiller. Archy heard some one tell of a method of making apple brandy by freezing instead of by the ordinary method of distilling it from hard cider . . . the idea is, we believe, that you allow the cider in a barrel to freeze, and find at the center of the frozen mass a little cupful of highly alcoholic liquid that has not frozen. This cupful, the life and delectable quintessence of the cider, is your apple-jack.

  Archy, as we have said, heard of this process, and wished to witness it at first hand. He selected a barrel of cider somewhere in New Jersey and crawled into it to get a close up of the process. But he must have gone to sleep in there, or something. He was frozen into the cider as a mastodon within a glacier. Luckily he had succeeded in working himself so near the cave filled with unfrozen apple-jack at the centre of the barrel that he could take a sip from time to time, and the fiery liquid thus consumed was all that saved his life.

  A New Jersey reader of the Sun Dial found him when the barrel was opened, and, recognizing him by his high forehead and look of intelligence, rarely met with among cockroaches, forwarded him to us by mail. He cannot work the typewriter; he can only lie in a cigar box lined with cotton and look at us and moan piteously . . . poor bug!

  It is exceedingly doubtful that he will ever be able to write again. And, of course, if he is useless to us, out the window he goes. We cannot afford to maintain a cockroach in idleness, with living expenses what they are. We pity him, but we owe it to ourself to get rid of him at once the moment he becomes a drag upon us. As a modernist and an artist, we insist on freedom; we must live our own life, untrammeled.

  FEBRUARY 9

  The Anti Cockroach Conspiracy

  washington d c feb ninth

  nineteen twenty special to the

  sun dial i am down here

  conducting the fight against

  the anti cockroach conspiracy

  i suppose you saw in the

  papers the proposition to

  appropriate nineteen thousand

  dollars for the purpose of killing

  all the cockroaches in the

  house office building and

  about the capitol this is the

  most iniquitous bill ever brought

  before the national

  legislature and

  one of the most unpatriotic

  measures ever proposed the

  contention is that the cockroaches

  eat up valuable books and

  papers belonging to congressmen

  speeches and that sort of

  thing of course they eat them up

  and they are performing a service

  to their country in doing so

  somebody has to edit the

  congressional record and i have

  taken it upon myself as a true

  friend of the country and

  organized my gang of editors

  to eat up all the foolish

  stuff that might

  otherwise get into print and

  bring ridicule upon the

  American congress also we are

  performing a patriotic service

  in eating up thousands of

  speeches that were intended to be

  franked out to the

  voters as campaign documents

  no wonder a certain set of

  congressmen are against us

  it is a congressional conspiracy

  and we shall fight it to the

  bitter end may i not

  add that there must be other

  records in washington that have

  accumulated during the

  past five years which it might

  be just as well to eat up

  MARCH 8

  A Threat

  don marquis

  I HAVE JUST RETURNED

  FROM THE ARCTIC

  CIRCLE

  UP IN THE BRONX,

  WHERE I HAVE BEEN SPENDING

  THE WINTER.

  I SEEN WHAT YOU WROTE ABOUT

  ARCHY

  IN THE SUN DIAL.

  YOU HAVE WENT A LONG WAY

  TO KNOCK

  THE BEST COCKROACH THAT

  EVER WORKED FOR YOU.

  NOW,

  YOU TUMBLE BUG—

  GET READY!

  WE ARE A LARGE FAMILY

  AND THERE ARE

  BILLIONS MORE OF US

  WHERE ARCHY COME

  FROM.

  YOU ARE FACING

  TROUBLE—

  AND

  YOU

  KNOW

  IT.

  ARCHY’S KINSMEN.

  MARCH 11

  The Shimmie

  In reply to inquiries as to where Archy is we print the despatch below, lifted from the San Francisco Chronicle of recent date. . . . Archy is touring the country introducing the dance mentioned:

  PORTLAND, ORE., Feb. 18.—The shimmie is fast becoming the popular indoor sport for cockroaches. The fact was divulged at Reed College here today by Dr. Helen Clark, head of the Reed psychology department. Miss Clark says soft, tuneful music will send a healthy cockroach into an emotional trance, which finds expression in a rhythmic dance, which has every semblance to the shimmie.

  APRIL 10

  A Former Doughboy

  boss i heard a former

  doughboy

  talking to himself

  and this is what i heard him

  saying to himself

  fourteen dollars

  for a single pair of shoes

  fourteen dollars

  for some little bits of leather

  i hope the man that charges

  fourteen dollars

  for a single pair of shoes

  will walk through hell

  barefoot at noon

  on hells hottest day

  sixty nine cents

  for a little pound of butter

  weighing fourteen ounces

  one a set of crooked scales

  i hope the man that charges

  sixty nine cents

  for a crooked pound of butter

  will fry in hell<
br />
  in a kettle full of butter

  for a hundred million years

  i went and got

  myself all gassed

  i went and got

  a bullet through my shoulder

  and i cant do

  a half of the work

  that i did before the war

  and a fat lot of money

  i am getting from the government

  eighty seven dollars

  for a single suit of clothes

  i cant hold a job

  of any damned kind

  who in hells to blame

  i dont know

  but eighty seven dollars

  for a single suit of clothes

  gets my goat

  ninety bones a month

  for three dinky rooms

  for myself and my wife

  and two kids here

  and another kid a coming

  and a fat lot of money

  i get from the government

  if i could be a miner

  i could ride in an auto

  at least so they say

  if i could be a railroad

  man or a plumber

  i could garner kale

  if i could drive a milk cart

  out of salary and collections

  i could count on seventy

  bones every week

  but what the hell can i do

  in the way of manual work

  i went and got myself

  all gassed up

  like a gosh darned fool

  i went and got

  a bullet through my shoulder

  all the kind of work

  i ever did or knew

  was inside work

  office stuff and routine

  and that kind of thing

  and you know what it pays

  and you know i gotta have

  decent shoes and collars

  and a fat lot of money

  i get from the government

  i have a feeling

  something is wrong

  but i dont know where

  every one but me

  is cleaning up on money

  landlords and grocers

  tailors and miners

  masons and carpenters

  are all getting money

  but i went and got myself

  all gassed up

  and a bullet through my shoulder

  and i hope to god my landlord

  goes and chokes to death

  i dont know

  who the hells to blame

  but sooner or later

  it will force me into politics

  if they dont watch out

  i got no platform

  but i have got a kind of feeling

  that everything is wrong

  and a fat lot of thanks

  i am getting from the people

  that are boosting up the prices

  no i cant live at all

  i aint a bolshevist

  i aint a socialist

  but i got a feeling

  everything is wrong

  well boss i listened to that

  ex service man for quite a while

  and i got the idea that while

  he doesnt quite know yet just

  where he is going he is on

  his way somewhere

  APRIL 15

  Pretty Soft for You

  boss i have just had a

  grand idea if

  everything else fails leave

  it to me to get

  food into the city

  i shall call for an army

  of one thousand million

  cockroaches to bring

  it over from jersey a grain

  at a time walking on the

  rails through the

  hudson tunnels it may have the

  effect of introducing better feeling

  between cockroaches and

  human beings i must confess that

  there is not much of this

  entente stuff between them

  as things stand now say the

  word and i will start my

  huskies on the job along will

  come a cockroach with a crumb of bread

  and then another cockroach with another

  crumb of bread and then

  another cockroach with another crumb of

  bread and then another

  cockroach with another

  crumb of bread and then another

  cockroach

  but really it would be

  pretty soft for you if i wrote your

  whole column that way

  APRIL 24

  A Little Waterbug

  i know a little waterbug

  who is not very clean

  although he gambols round the sink

  for all his jolly baths i think

  he is not very clean

  MAY 1

  An Archy Drive

  well boss there have been

  all sorts of drives

  why not start an

  archy drive

  the idea is my own and i

  think it is a good one

  something should be done toward

  endowing me so that i

  would not have to work except

  when i feel like it

  even if i should never feel

  like it the move would be in the

  right direction

  a great artist such as yours

  truly should never have to

  worry about where his living is to

  come from he should be far above all

  the vulgar strife of life

  sordid material

  considerations should not be

  thrust upon his attention if i

  were endowed i could give my

  best efforts to my art

  i could sit and think and think and think1

  before i wrote anything

  i would prefer not to

  set any definite figure on the

  amount required let us

  start the drive first and then see

  what sum is likely to come in

  if something of this sort

  does not happen soon i am afraid

  that i will be forced into

  the movies2

  see what you can do

  JUNE 24

  Sentimental about Birds

  i could never understand

  why people get so sentimental

  about birds

  i was taking a walk in the park

  the other day and a big

  brutal robin saw me

  and rushed at me the way

  the winged lizards used to rush

  at the semi human semi simian

  in the good old pleistocene days

  mouth open tongue hanging out

  and the greedy red canal of his

  esophagus plainly visible almost as

  far south as his

  grand central station

  i had no time to find an alibi

  but fortunately i found a hole

  in the ground

  this little robin redbreast stuff

  doesnt make any hit with me

  i lay in that hole

  for twenty minutes and i was

  interviewed by red ants and i hate

  ants just as much as you hate cockroaches

  and when i got ready to come out

  there was a sparrow waiting for me

  bug said he come out of your hole

  and climb upon my back

  i will give you a breezy ride to

  the tree tops

  birdie said i

  i distrust you

  i think your intentions

  are distinctly gastronomic

  as i live said he i have conceived

  an affection for you

  you are such a cute little thing

  so quaint and clownish and i woul
d like

  to know you better

  birdie i said you talk like a

  promoter trying to sell oil stock

  to the plain people

  but he suddenly vanished and i saw the reason

  a rat was coming

  cockroach said the rat

  jog along with me over among the bushes

  i know where there is a nest with some eggs

  in it i am drawn to you i said

  because you kill birds but nevertheless you

  do not have my complete confidence

  your reputation is not of the best

  i feel drawn to you too said the rat

  i do not know when i have seen a cockroach

  to whom i gave my heart more fully and freely

  on such short acquaintance

  come out of your

  hole for a little pleasant ramble

  and i swear that you will not

  live to regret it

  there is a subtle equivocation in your speech i said

  tut tut he said why so

  suspicious i am not deceiving you

  indeed you are not i told him

  no rat has ever deceived me in the past

  and you do not deceive me now

  just then he hastened away and i saw

  that a cat had entered l u e

  cats will not eat cockroaches

  when there is anything else but all too often

  there is nothing else and i was just

  wondering whether this one might not try

  to dig me out when i saw that it was our

  old friend mehitabel saved i cried

  my gawd archy said she and are you too

  reduced to walking the parks in search

  of sustenance and casual eats aint the world

  full of ups and downs deary but cheerio

  toujours gai is my motto little friend

  and with a no great urging she

  narrated me the story of her recent adventures

  which will be continued in my next

  OCTOBER 9

  A Sad Time Dieting

  i see by the

  paper that you are

  having quite a

  sad time dieting at last

  you know what

  hunger is i have been

  trying for three

  years to get a raise

  in salary from you so that

  i could eat now and

  then but you have denied me with

  scorn and contumely can you

  wonder that now i gloat over

  you sufferings hoping you

  starve almost to death with

  every pound you lose and

  then gain every pound back and

  do it over again i am yours

 

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