“You aren’t ruined,” he admonishes, not allowing my statement to burrow itself into him. “We aren’t ruined, Amelia. I won’t allow it. Do you hear me? I stayed in this family to make sure there was some sort of future. I didn’t want it to take this long, but it has. The girl who first fell in love with Maverick might be gone, but she’s replaced by a stronger being.” I start to shake my head, which forces his grip to tighten onto me. “Yes, you are. I know there are some unspeakable things you’ve done, things that you seem hell-bent on believing have warped you, but if that were true, you wouldn’t fight back anymore. You would let Papà have his way and you wouldn’t think twice about other people who stand in your way if you were giving up. You wouldn’t be remorseful, you wouldn’t see yourself as a sinner, and you certainly wouldn’t be sitting here professing you’re a monster.”
His triad is intense, so full of depth and belief in me, but my own sorrow is getting the better of me. His hand slips down my arms until they’re holding my hands and I know – much like Zane – Enzo won’t let me continue to slander myself.
“You wouldn’t feel anything you’ve had to do and you certainly wouldn’t be the girl crying by the side of her bed. You’d be pleased with yourself for the trail of ruins you leave behind. Like Giovanni is. He’s a monster. He’s corrupt through to the soul, but you, Lia, you are never going to be like him.”
"I," I begin to say but I freeze. The memories course through me like an infection, rendering me weaker and weaker. But as Enzo's hand tightens around mine, I feel some strength gravitate back toward me. "I had to kill a man and let him die in my arms. I wasn't allowed to remove the knife after I had stabbed him. Alberto kept yelling at me to drag the knife downwards, but when I started to, the man begged me to stop. That was my point of no return. It didn’t matter how many men I killed here, being there with Alberto destroyed all my hope.”
I look up and Enzo reaches to wipe my tears away. He doesn’t speak again, waiting for me to continue.
“I had all these grand plans when I came home. So many ways to make it through this life, but they all came crashing down the moment I was back here. I was going to be ruthless; I was going to make him hate what he had made of his daughter. I wanted Papà to see that I was a monster, but the moment I saw you, and then Zane, I lost it. My resolve disappeared, and I felt myself revert back to the girl you fight for. The one I want to be more like. I live with this facade, hoping and praying that it’ll make it all easier for me, but the guilt and the shame never lessens.”
“And tonight proved how it’ll never lessen, I suppose?” he asks, guessing completely what is going on in my head.
I nod my head, my lip beginning to quivering. “Every day it feels like it’s getting harder to breathe. I don’t know when the last time I drew an easy breath was and it’s scaring me to think I ever will again. Enzo, I don’t want to live like this when it’s going to be the death of me.”
I watch Enzo close his eyes as if my words have mortally impacted him.
They always say the truth will set you free, but mine just seems to scar those around me, all the while killing me. If being truthful has this effect, why would I ever confide in anyone again?
“Sometimes I wonder why we fight,” I whisper, my words almost a whimper upon themselves.
“All things worth having are worth fighting for,” Enzo preaches without a second thought, but I see even he cannot wholly believe that.
“What if you’re all out of fight?” I ask, showing that he isn’t alone.
Suddenly, my brother takes on a whole different life. The solemn, mournful look of remembrance disperses and his blue eyes liven up. It’s almost as if restored hope has entered his system and he’s now no longer dwelling on things he let go in the past.
“You’ve been broken from the scars you forgave, Lia. It’s time to stop running.”
“If you feel like you’re all out of fight, let us do it for you.” He gives a small smile, one that radiates with comfort and sincerity. “Let me do it for you, because I have all the fight in the world to give to see us out of this hell hole. Seeing you like this has me wanting to fight more. Let me fight for you.”
“You already do,” I counter, trying in vain that he might give up the crusade to protect me now.
“Not enough,” he rebukes me, shaking his head violently as he disregards me. “Let those who love you fight in your corner until you can do it again. Don’t try and silence what it is you feel because you think it’ll be better to do so. Don’t become something Papà expects, because my little sister is anything but what Salvatore Abbiati wants her to be. Until you find her again and can find that feisty attitude again, I’ll be here beating off anyone that dare touch you.”
“But where does that leave Zane?” I ask, immediately my heart throbs at the thought of how he slots into this shitty equation we call life.
“You tell me,” Enzo responds, turning the question back to me.
I shrug, not sure where to begin with answering him. I spend a few seconds mulling over it. We’re some twisted Romeo and Juliet story, but modernized and destined for more than a short-lived love affair. He’s the beginning of my end. The man who makes me feel absolutely everything. He’s the reason why my conscious sings, why my hope thrives, and he is the very reason I have to relinquish my hold on my sanity.
“He’s the silence in my chaos,” I whisper, feeling that all-familiar lump forming in my throat. I feel my breathing become more shallow, and I fight to swallow the ball of dread currently suffocating me. “But I have no right to be that greedy with his life. He cannot be my hero when I’m not worth the rescue. Maybe once upon a time, but not now.”
“I hate how much you carry with you.” Enzo’s voice is rougher than ever now. He’s almost haunted by what he’s watching me become, this shell of my former self and I feel guiltier than ever in allowing him to see my fall. “You are destroying yourself with this warped idea of yourself.” I watch his eyes graze across my entire face before he continues. “The girl you seem to think you’ve become; this sad, irreparable one who disbelieves everything that used to keep her alive isn’t the real you. You’ve gotten lost in the mess we’ve made and the duties you’ve been asked to perform.” His eyes still upon mine, capturing my attention so intently I feel nervous under the ferocity of it all. “I don’t believe for one second you deserve to not be saved. And if by chance, that day ever does come, I’ll be one of those striving to hold onto you regardless.”
“Believe me, Enz, you’re one of a few keeping me going,” I tell him honestly, offering a small smile to aid the sentiment. “Without you, I’d be a goner.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Lia,” he vows, pulling me into his arms for a quick hug. “Now, let’s get your leg fixed up.” Enzo puts his hand out for me so he can pull me to my feet. I haven’t even answered; I know he wants to fix me in as many ways as possible.
“Hey, Enz,” Zane calls out from the doorway. “Mind if I take over?”
I look up, my lips falling apart as I stare at the man before who is humanity personified to me. In this house, he is the purest by far next to Manuel. Sure, he has lashed out and exerted some Dio Lavoro attitude, but he’s saved from a body count. He hasn’t sullied his name or tarnished his conscience. His armor wears chinks, but his love is fierce and unmoved from winning its battle.
“Sure,” Enzo agrees, still holding onto me. “Make sure she sleeps, please.”
“My bed’s covered in blood,” I fret, quietly remarking on that small worry.
“You can come into my room.” He gestures out of the door, obviously to his door adjacent from mine.
I nod, sniffling as Enzo finally pulls me from our spot on the floor by my bed and to my feet. He takes me across the room, handing me delicately to Zane as if I’m made of glass. Once I’m captured in the embrace of the man I love, Enzo leaves to grab the supplies he brought up from downstairs.
“We’ll take this to your bathroom and I’l
l take the bedding downstairs,” Enzo commands lightly.
It happens hastily as we move rooms, and I watch as Zane prepares to clean my mess of a leg up. He’s tender with his touches around the wound, even gentler when wrapping my leg up to help staunch the bleed with a few layers of gauze.
“I think that’ll do,” he comments, an ounce of pride filling his voice as he looks at his handiwork. This is the first time he’s spoken since Enzo left. “Hey, sweetheart,” he calls to me personally, vying for my awareness that’s clearly scattered elsewhere around the room. “You’re looking a little lost.”
“How much did you hear?” I ask, biting my lip as nerves bubble in me.
“I was sitting outside of the door for a while,” he indirectly tells me.
“Oh,” I reply, softly and a little embarrassed. My gaze drifts off, lowering down his body until it hits the white tiling of his bathroom.
“I needed it,” he promptly replies and takes my hands to pull me up to my feet from sitting on the toilet. “I love the honesty and vulnerability you still hold, Amelia. It’s refreshing.” He dots a kiss to my forehead before leading us from the small room and over to his bed.
We sit on the bed and silence beckons. The dark room is barely lit and the only noise is that from the fan in the room, but apart from that, we just sit in contemplatively dangerous silence. When it becomes too deafening, I know I have to break it.
“Look at the mess we’ve made, Zane,” I murmur softly, speaking quietly. “How do we come back from this?”
“Easily,” he tells me, taking my hand in his, “with each other. Like Enzo said, you need people to fight for you. I’m one of them, too.”
“But how long can you do that?”
“Forever,” he claims, his tone is hard and convincing. “This isn’t some battle you have to deal with on your own. You have people who, regardless of what you say and do, will forever be here, in your corner, willing to step forward when you lose the will to do it yourself.”
I close my eyes; my breathing rattles in my chest for a moment, and I decide it’s time for total honesty.
"I felt you," I murmur at him. "Every day I felt you with me. I tried so hard to hate you, to forget about you, but you’re buried deep inside me." I swallow hard as my tears build that lump in my throat once more, and I dare myself to look at him, even if for a second. “Zane, it's like you blew my heart apart and rebuilt it with only you inside. And I hate you." I close my eyes, not willing to see that hurt I’ve caused him without finishing. “And love you for it all at once.”
“Amelia,” he tries.
“You built this life around me, gave me so much optimism of a life outside of this, and then you tore it down.” I look at him, not covering up any part of what I’m feeling. He needs to know how he left me reeling. “I make it hard for you now because I need to protect myself, but it’s not what I want.”
There’s a moment of deliberation where Zane ponders what I’ve said, completely takes on what it is I’ve said before rubbing his jaw and setting his hands back down onto his lap, keeping his entire body language open.
“You are hard work to understand, Amelia. You blow hot and cold on me and I know I should run, but I can’t. You are worth the hard work.” Zane’s statement is brisk and mirthful, but a delightful change of the mood in the room. “But you’re the only one who I would work this hard to keep believing that this is the point of no return. There are no more broken moments or denying our love. There is no backing away or running off. I’ve done it twice before and both times told me exactly how fucked up life is without you. I don’t care if it takes forever for you to love me wholly again. I will still be here, combating every woe, denial, and struggle you present me with. I will make you love and trust me again.”
“Slowly,” I whisper to him, cutting the moment short. I have to believe in my own decision to allow our newfound relationship to flourish over time, not rapidly evolve like before. “We have to take it slowly.”
“Slowly,” he reiterates my own litany.
As I turn to him, I listen to my inner voice, the one that usual reprimands me and keeps me from doing stupid things, but right now, it’s telling me to show Zane how I truly feel about the situation. I have to prove that even if I want to take it slowly, I am willing to love him again.
Gradually, we’re instinctively pulled toward one another, our eyes watch one another, and our bodies speak volumes as we come together with blissful intention. As his lips tenderly unite with mine, his hands reach to caress my face, cradling me into stillness. My eyes flutter closed as I become unbidden to Zane. All feelings that have been dragging me down seem forgotten as the man who will forever be locked in my fearful heart, enraptures me. But for the first time in what feels like a tiresome eternity, I embrace exactly what it is I’m feeling for the man I’ve blown hot and cold at endlessly – love. My sorrow ignites as passion burns brightly until my entire soul rages into a bright fire. As the flames course through me, I find myself realizing there’s been a change in our course.
I know this isn’t our ending, we’re far from that, but I can believe this is our true beginning.
After too many false starts, my heart is open wide to the opportunities Zane can present me with. No matter the scar, the burden, or the guilt, Zane is the key to seeking forgiveness. He’s my only get out clause to this life.
The thought causes me to reach up at his shirt and wrap my fingers around as much of the material as I can possibly muster. If he’s my one true hope, I am not letting him go just yet.
There’s always tomorrow to tell him everything I’m feeling.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“I swear we cannot get a quiet life in this place,” I grumble as I hear a loud resounding crash from upstairs. I continue to the inhale the scent of my coffee hoping it’ll hit my bloodstream quicker, seeing as digesting it isn’t helping me much.
“I saw him snorting some cocaine out back,” Enzo remarks, pouring himself a cup of coffee.
“Great,” I comment and take a huge gulp. I swallow, savoring the heat as it races down my chest, and look at Enzo as I set the cup down. “He’s really gotten out of control.”
“You’re telling me,” Enzo grunts back. I take note that he’s well aware of Giovanni’s spiraling nature. “I understand that Zane is quite the kick to the ego, but Giovanni seems to just be sitting around and taking it all when we’re public.”
I cringe as I hear what I assume to be a mirror shattering.
“Apparently, in private he’s really working his emotions out,” I add sarcastically. I finally forget about my coffee and ponder Giovanni’s latest behavior. “He’s angrier, that’s for sure, but he’s not kicking up a fuss when he’s shown up. He’s just given up on trying to claim that top spot. He does make a lot of backhanded comments, though, which has me worried.” My mind begins to wander and as I sit back in my seat, I voice aloud a thought that has pondered on my mind multiple times. “Unless he’s planning something and this is just the beginning.”
“I don’t think so. He seems to just be having a temper tantrum.” Enzo’s confidence is a shocking bolt of optimism and I watch him as he remains by his comment. Usually, Enzo is good at spotting key warning signs that Giovanni is going to slip on his most psychotic side, but apparently not today. “So,” Enzo begins and I sense a massive, unwanted subject change coming, “how you feeling after last night?”
I knew it! I think wryly to myself but decide to enlighten him, so I shrug. “I have a killer headache, my brother is creating a stampede, and I’m no closer to finding a way to forgive myself than I was.” My eyebrows furrow as I watch that pity consume Enzo’s bright green eyes. They’re luminous with all the wrong emotions I like to see Enzo owe. He’s never meant to carry around the weight of my issues so prevalently. “Don’t give me that look, Enz. I’m not a quick fix.”
“I never thought you would be,” he counters, taking a leisurely sip of his drink. “However, I do think Zane
is a big help.”
“He is,” I reply, smiling coyly I look away. “He really is. I know we’re a long way from perfection, but him hearing everything last night made it feel like we’re one step closer.”
“Ah, so you are a quick fix,” Enzo teases, wagging his eyebrows at me playfully. His smile replaces that look of pity he had allowed to manifest and now he’s just looking at me as if I’m not some lost cause. “You needed to accept that Zane is a help not a hindrance.”
“He’s not budging and I’m tired of denying myself everything,” I admit tenderly and reach back out.
“I have so much chaos going on inside me; I don’t want my heart to confuse anything else. Not when I’m sure of what I feel. I am done telling myself that I don’t love him. I am so done telling myself that him being here is wrong. I know his reasoning for being here, I know his reasoning for sticking by here and all the time he loves and believes in me, I can’t give up.”
I watch my brother’s face brighten, and for the first time since I came back from Italy, I properly see hope restored. In seeing that, I feel a little hope flutter to life in myself. Maybe I needed to break down to see what was really around me? I needed to lose my facade and see reality because living in the shadows and denying myself the right to feel what I wanted only blackened my view of the world. I was more dangerous refuting what I really wanted than I ever would be if I fought against every negative thing I disagreed with.
I thought coming back angry and cold would solve every problem in my life, but it doesn’t. It never would and it never will.
“So, now I have you back on the right tracks,” Enzo interjects my thoughts. “Maybe, you just need to go back to your roots. The one that Madre set,” he trails off, carefully watching me. “What do you think? Mind if your big brother kidnaps you?”
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