by Marcia DM
She should have noticed by now that I have no other interests here. I’m clearly not one of them, I’m just here for the ride, the joy, the excitement torturing someone gives you. She knows, I’m sure of it. What she doesn’t know is that the camera is not only recording this, but also live streaming for everybody to see what they’re capable of, to send a message that they are not to be trifled with. Whether she likes it or not, she’s famous now…
We have been here for more than two hours and it’s time to stop, for now. The very moment I untie her, she falls apart; body and soul hit the ground and make a loud thud. I pick her up and take her to her cell in my arms. I put her down on the pillar. She needs to regain some energy before our next session.
That night three years ago, I couldn’t sleep at all.
The minute I saw her, I knew that I was fucked. Working on a human being, an enemy human being to be exact, is one thing. But to do those things to an innocent tore me apart. I needed to come up with a plan to be able to cope with all this, and the only thing I came up with was to feel what she felt in every session we had. That is how I survived the last three years of my life.
CHAPTER 15
SARAH
Iwake up to the pleasant feeling of my mom stroking my hair slowly, softly. I want to stay five more minutes, but I have to get up and go to school…
School…
School?
“Sarah, wake up,” a deep voice whispers in my ear. Could it be my dad’s? Also, who is Sarah?
“That’s you, moron!” Life says showing her everlasting smirk.
I jump out of bed, ready to fight, and I see a man backing up with raised hands and open palms, like a thief who’s being arrested.
“Stay calm, Sarah. It’s me, Bruno.” I rub my eyes to focus on him. It really is him.
“I’m sorry, I freaked out. Did I oversleep?” My eyes are swollen, and they still burn from all the crying last night. The sun enters the room through a big window and hits my face— it doesn’t help my eyes at all.
“Not at all. Are you hungry? I can fix you something to eat.” I stare at him; I’m way too tired to do anything else. Did I really sleep here? Did we…? Oh, God.
“Bruno… What am I doing here?” I ask without hesitation.
“You might wanna sit down for this,” he says with a grim voice now. What’s going on?
“Why? I can’t remember anything after we had dinner.” I circle the bed towards him. Before I can reach him, my knees give in. He catches me and prevents the fall.
“Hey, hey. Don’t push yourself.”
“Quit stalling, you’re making me nervous.” Even more than I already am.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it… Last night… someone broke into your house…” When he utters those words, everything comes back to me. My stomach twists, and I start crying. Now I remember: my mom is dead. “Tell me what you need Sarah. Anything at all.”
“I need this pain to be over.” I’m bent over, my elbows against my knees.
“No, Sarah.” Bruno takes my hands away from my face. “The pain never ends, you just get used to it. Believe me when I tell you that you have difficult times ahead of you, but you’re strong enough to pull through them.” He smiles at me, but that smile never reaches his eyes. He sits down at the feet of the bed, putting some distance between us. He seems more cautious about my personal space. He starts talking again, just before the silence becomes deafening. “I want to be completely honest with you about what I’m doing here and the reasons behind it. I need you to know that nothing I’ve done so far was because of a mission or a sense of duty. I’m doing it because it’s what I really want to do, and I know things are different now, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t move forward—” I interrupt before he can finish the last sentence.
“Why do you want to help me so bad? To what end? What’s the purpose of it? Look at me…” I point at my withered and damaged body with open hands. “I’m worthless. I can barely stand up on my own. What am I going to do when all this is over? Get a job at a Starbucks? Hope that maybe one day I will meet a nice guy, get married and start a family with him? Do you really think you can fix this, after all you did to me in the first place? I’m beyond repair or recovery. It’s impossible.” He turns to look at his shoes. I’m not trying to hurt him, words just come out of my mouth.
“Not impossible, Sarah. I’m sure as hell it’s not going to be easy or simple, but not impossible for sure. We can work together and find a way to do this. And don’t get me wrong, I know what I’ve done, I remember I’m the one who broke you. Not a day goes by in which I don’t remember that. Right now, I feel you’re my responsibility. Believe me when I tell you that I will do anything I can to avoid you getting hurt again. I’ll kill people if I have to. And that includes myself.” His hand is fully open and touching his chest.
“I don’t get it. Why did my mom get targeted, instead of me? I wish it would’ve been me,” I ask while crying silently. Tears are running down my face.
“That’s their MO, Sarah. I don’t know how they managed to figure out that we were in touch. This one is entirely on me. They punished you to get back at me. I never thought this would be possible or even real, that was a rookie mistake and I’m no rookie. I will never forgive myself.”
I find myself nodding in understanding. Why am I always so empathetic with him? Why can’t I just be mad, yell and tell him to fuck off? Why? I take a deep breath to pause my brain. “I’m struggling to find myself, I don’t know who I really am right now. Is that a bad thing?” I say, and at the same time I wonder why I can’t be this open with Dr. Gonzales.
“Not a bad thing, not even a weird thing if you ask me. Just don’t expect to make sense of it all overnight. To solve this new puzzle about your personality, you’ll need to go through several stages.” We fall silent again. I can see that he wants to keep me company, and that’s exactly what I need right now. “You, huh… still feel safe in here?” He asks with a curious look, while trying to meet my eyes.
“Yes! No! I don’t know! I guess this uncertainty will stay with me forever. It doesn’t matter where I go or who I’m with, I’ll always be hunted. I feel I’ll always put everybody around me in danger. I wish you never rescued me from that place. I wish you would just let me die in there. But no, instead I’m out here, mourning my mother,” I admit while looking into his eyes.
His sad eyes.
“The only thing that kept me going was thinking that one day you’d be free from there, from me and all that shit around you. I can’t stand watching you suffer like this. But know this: it will be over. I’ll make sure of it.”
“Why did you accept this mission, if you knew it would be this hard on you?” Little by little, all the questions I came to ask yesterday are starting to emerge.
“Well… Actually…” He’s struggling with his words.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I understand…”
“No! It’s not that, it’s just…” he gasps for air and, while looking down, finishes the sentence. “…My little brother was kidnapped like you, in the same way, by the same people. He, huh… wasn’t as lucky as you. He didn’t make it.”
That stuns me.
“We were lucky!?” Life adds. “Fuck me sideways! Here I am, thinking we were one more of the bunch. Do we have to feel super fucking special right now?” I wish she would shut up this time.
“I’m sorry… When did this happen?”
“Thanks.” Bruno’s eyes are filled with tears, but none of them drop. He also looks grateful that I asked. “Before starting law school, he wanted to travel the world. Europe was the first stop. There he became obsessed with the ‘Old World’ and decided to take a detour from his original plans.” I can see the rage and anger building up inside him. His voice isn’t firm and determined as before. I never thought I’d live to see this in him. He clears his throat. “He was taken in Jerusalem and was held captive for a long time
, until ultimately they killed him in cold blood in front of a camera that was also broadcasting through the internet.” He exhales through his nose, the lips are pressed tight forming a straight line. I can see he’s hurting over this. “Losing him destroyed me. I thought I was never gonna get through that situation. The way they did it was barbaric. So, I decided to use my anger to fuel my will to destroy them in return and square things up. Even though I wasn’t in the military anymore, the minute my old commander approached me with NSA and FBI directors to recruit me for the mission, I accepted automatically. They knew I wouldn’t be able to stay away from it, and I also needed to kill every single one of them.” I move closer to him and take his hand. This is the first time I feel his skin touching mine. “I swear to you, I will make this right. I will hunt him down and finish the job.” He looks at me, I can see the determination in his eyes— he’s back to his usual self. “I want you to feel safe here, and I want you to know that I won’t let anything else happen to you. I’m man of my word.”
Shockingly, it’s hard for me to tell apart the man I have in front of me, who exposed his feelings in front of me not two seconds ago, from ‘Him,’ the man who in the past three years didn’t show or have any kind of human emotions. If either of those are rehearsed characters, he plays them wonderfully. “It’s still hard for me to make eye contact.” I say without breaking it. He knows what I mean.
“I don’t think your view of me will change, ever,” he points out without hesitation. “The least I can do is try to give you peace of mind, allowing you to walk the streets without having to look over your shoulder all the time.”
“Yeah, great job so far, buddy.” Shut it, Life! “What? I’m just saying what you don’t have the guts to say.”
“How can you inflict so much pain on another human being without even blinking? How did you prepare yourself and dehumanize the act? How is it that you played that role so well?” His body shifts. He remains silent and starts to pull little lint rolls from his pockets.
“It’s something hard to think, and even harder to explain.” He shakes his head.
“It’s sumtin’ hord to theeenk blah, blah, blah. Fuck you.” Life’s not enjoying this conversation at all. And who could blame her, after all.
“Please, try. I need to understand.” I’m sure he can see how desperate I am.
“I wasn’t born a soldier; I did some pretty nasty shit before enlisting, and then some more for the government. After I retired from the military, I turned to a lifestyle that could accommodate my honed skills only to be surprised— the demand was through the roof and they paid handsomely.” He points at my surroundings with open hands. “I’ve killed some people…”
“There’s an understatement,” Life says at the same time.
“Tortured some more…”
“Yeah, no shit.” Life, stop it.
“I’ve got a lot of experience, and I’m sure you’ve figured all that out by now. But I always did it to the bad guys, never to an innocent person. Until you came along. I hope you can believe and understand me when I say my dirty hands were only for the people who deserved it. Causing you pain was my worst nightmare, and it still is. It will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. I must tell you, when those guys are involved, I just can’t help myself. I have to get them all.”
“Oh, okay. Are we supposed to feel special because we were the first civilian and innocent party?” Life has a point here.
“You made me feel something I had never experienced when doing this— remorse. I will never be able to make you understand how bad it was for me. I had to ask myself repeatedly, ‘Why am I doing this?’ over and over. The answer always was ‘to set her free and return happiness into her life.’” I’m still holding his hand. I can’t say I forgive him, because I’m not sure I do yet.
“You gave me back my freedom. But I don’t think I can ever be happy again, Bruno.”
CHAPTER 16
BRUNO
Aweek went by since that honest and meaningful conversation with Sarah. Her words got stuck deep inside my chest and they are making it pound. I’ve been having trouble sleeping because of them. We don’t really talk about it much, we just chit-chat about the weather, food and the news. Her entire daily routine involves waking up, having breakfast, walking aimlessly around the house and going to sleep at night. All that while keeping herself away from me. Said distance started to shorten little by little. Sarah is like a wounded animal, and I’m the master who’s trying to regain its trust.
Her body is looking healthier now. Looking at her pleases me. I’ve been focusing a lot on her nutrition, instead of trying to find the whereabouts of that son of a bitch Leon, which I don’t regret. Sarah is tough, tougher than she can imagine. I know this for a fact. I tore her apart for three straight years and Leon— well, he shattered her once more, only to prove that she can get herself back on her feet. Rise slowly from her ashes, stronger and smarter. I feel so fucking lucky, to be able to witness this…
Phoenix.
I’m lying on the mattress that serves as my bed in the guest room, picturing what I will do to Asad when I find him. He’s as good as dead, but before that I will make sure he goes through hell. I just need to find him. Finding him is proving to be more difficult than I had anticipated. That sly motherfucker is probably hiding in a hole somewhere like a scared rabbit, and it’s working for him so far.
But the fox is patient.
Living under the same roof turned out to be harder for me than for Sarah, and my little obsession for her is making it impossible. I’ve had it since the beginning, but now the thought of her sleeping comfortably in my own bed gets me fucking hard.
This needs to stop.
I can’t be around her like this. The thing is… I can’t control it. My hands itch when she’s around. I need to know how it feels to touch her skin without scaring the hell out of her. Fuck, I sound like a stalker— a psycho stalker, that’s what I am. And I can’t do anything about it. However, there’s one thing I can do: pretend that nothing happens to my body when she walks into the same room. Hell, even thinking about it right now makes me so hard, it hurts. Enough of this daydreaming. I need to find Asad. It’s time to do some digging.
I glance at my watch— midnight. The night is young, and I have to get the fuck out of here before I do something stupid. A pair of guards are posted outside: two special agents handpicked by myself. They know me and my ways, and know better than to report that I left my house at midnight. I step outside and announce that I will be gone for a while. They know they must be alert.
I’m on my way to visit some ‘friends’— the kind of friends you visit at night. They deal drugs, women, information, etc. And if the price is right, they’ll sell their own mother. I need to put a bounty on Asad’s head, and that’s the perfect spot to start. To spread the word, the message must be simple. And this message is extremely simple.
The Professor is fucking mad.
“Hermano, I swear. I haven’t heard anything at all.” The Cuban, always wearing a floral shirt, a pair of khakis and the iconic white hat to honor the stereotype. He’s always neck-deep in shit and never crossed me, so I decide to believe him. However, he’s the type of guy who would deal with the devil for you if he can make a profit. “But I might know somebody who does.”
“Who?” I ask without showing too much interest. But I know this is gonna cost me.
“Well, you know me, hermano. I’m putting my neck on the line here, trying to earn a living.” This fucker and his greed.
I pull a Benjamin out of my jacket pocket and shake it in front of his face. “A name, Andres.” He reaches out to grab the note and I snatch it away from him. “First, the name.”
I decide in the morning I’ll check the name Andres gave me, which is my only lead for the time being. My other contacts had nothing. My next stop, ‘Bucket of blood.’ I need a fucking drink.
The Bucket is a bar sitting by the highway, filled with outlaws, people of ques
tionable integrity like myself or Carter, but with one of the best whiskies in the area. I’ll have a double on the rocks and then head home to Sarah. I chuckle and repeat ‘head home to Sarah’ to myself. What a loser.
The bartender pours me the fifth glass of Johnnie and makes me realize that alcohol doesn’t have the same effect on me as it used to. Now I just look like a lonely old guy.
A stunning woman enters the bar. I don’t have to turn around to know she’s extremely hot— the entire bar does it for me. She sits beside me. She’s skinny, five-three, blonde, with perfect fake tits and a pair of legs that would make a gay man go straight again. She’s smiling at me and I know I only have to throw a couple of lines to get between her legs.
“What’s your name?” She starts with a basic, rich and spoiled-bitch voice.
“Mike. What’s yours?” I lie. She doesn’t have to know my real name. I lift two fingers to signal the bartender to pour her a drink.
“Sally. Nice to meet you. I’m super thirsty, thanks.”
“I can fix that.” I give her the most sinister smile I have.
After two drinks, she’s naked with me in a motel room next to the bar. I’m angry-fucking her; I’m fucking my frustration, helplessness and self-loathing away. I can see that she likes it— she hasn’t stopped moaning for a second. I’ve got her face-down, ass-up, pounding her from above, just the way I like it. But somehow it’s not enough to clear my mind. Sarah comes and goes from my thoughts endlessly, until my stupid brain pictures her in this same situation, making me cum instantly.
Fucking brain.
CHAPTER 17
SARAH
The slam of a door makes me jump out of bed. It reminds me that I hadn’t locked mine. So, I sprint towards it to do it, but I don’t have the key with me and I’m too damn sleepy to be able to look for it. I throw the clothes from a nearby chair to the floor and jam the doorknob with it. I stick my ear against the door to try and listen, but I can’t make anything out of what I hear. Someone is mumbling and grunting. Did someone break in? A few seconds go by and I still can’t decide if a robber is here or Bruno is just being extremely sloppy. Suddenly, a loud thud is followed by a moan. It sounds as if the coffee table has punched someone in the face.