by Phil Foglio
“These fellows seem to be having some problems. Can you assist them?”
“I can try, Father. If you’d explain the theory?”
The Baron nodded, placed a hand on his shoulder and drew him over toward the device. Beetle followed. “The basic idea is to promote secondary oxidation…”
Relieved that they were no longer under the Baron’s direct scrutiny, Glassvitch turned to his companion and whispered. “Silas, we’re doomed! We’ve accomplished nothing! They’ll ship us to the Waxworks!”
Merlot however, ignored him. He was staring at the Baron as a suspicion was growing in his mind. A very nasty suspicion. “…Of course.” He muttered, “The Baron knows we don’t have the Spark. We weren’t expected to finish this. It’s a test!”
Glassvitch looked even more distressed. “Then we’re failing!”
Merlot shook his head impatiently. “Not us, Hugo, his son! Gilgamesh Wulfenbach is the Baron’s only heir. I’ve heard rumors that the Baron is testing him, trying to determine if the Spark burns as brightly in him as it does in his sire.”
“And if it does not?”
Suddenly the Jägermonster loomed up behind them. “Dis is Baron Wulfenbach, sveethot! He vill break him down for parts and try again!” Having divulged this information, he gave them a sharp-toothed grin and sauntered off.
“Mon Dieu!” A shaken Glassvitch breathed.
Merlot shook himself. “Yes. Rather comforting to know there’s someone whose life is more wretched than our own, eh?” It was then that he noticed a peculiar buzzing hum that rose and fell in pitch. A scowl flashed across his features and he whirled around to face a distracted Agatha. “Miss Clay!” he shouted .”For the last time, stop that infernal humming!”
Agatha snapped back to the present and blinked wildly. “Hah? I… I’m sorry, Herr Doctor, but I was listening to the Baron, and something he said isn’t right, and—”
“Silence!”
Meanwhile Klaus had finished his explanation. Gilgamesh studied the half-finished device and slowly a frown creased his face. “Well?” Klaus prompted.
“Interesting, Father…” His voice trailed off as he scratched his head. “Hmm, I see what they were trying to do… but that won’t work… no… wait… hum… this makes no sense!” Gilgamesh stared at the device as if it had personally offended him. “No… this is all… wrong!” His voice began to rise. “This would work at cross purposes!” He wrenched off an armature and threw it across the room. “This is absurd! What are you fools trying to do? Can’t you see what you’ve done?” He began to rip apart the machine. “This is all wrong! I would expect a first-year student to do better! You have forces canceling each other out throughout the entire structure! Where are your plans?”
Merlot looked around, then quickly turned to Agatha. “The plans, Miss Clay! They were on the main board. Where did you put them?”
Agatha looked surprised. “Oh.” She said, “They’re in with—” She swung her attention to the storage room door in time to see a rivet pop out of one of the door’s straining cross bracers. She swung back and smeared a grin across her face. “A-heh. They’re in the files in the storage room, doctors. How about everybody goes and has a nice cup of tea while I dig them out?”
Gil strode forward and pushed her aside. “Bah! I’ll get them myself! I’m sure your pitiful filing system will be simple—” He turned the handle of the storage room door and yanked just as Agatha shouted “NOOOOOO!” and with a bang, the door flew open and a tidal wave of lab equipment roared out and over the young man’s head, smashing him to the ground and carrying him several meters back.
After the shower of material finished falling, Gil could be seen lying on his back, covered in debris. Clutched in his outstretched hands was a small goldfish bowl along with its grateful occupant.
Boris and the Jägermonster quickly clambered over the pile of equipment and began to dig him out and help him up. Agatha, Merlot and Glassvitch began to rush forward as well, and found themselves looking down the giant two-meter-long barrels of the clank’s guns, a steely “HOLD” their only warning. They skidded to a halt.
Gilgamesh slowly clambered to his feet. “That’s the worst filing system I’ve ever seen.”
Klaus rounded upon the huddled scientists. His voice was cold. “Beetle, this sloppiness is intolerable. Have these people—”
“No, Father, wait.” He was interrupted by a smiling Gilgamesh, “The thump to my head has cleared it, I think. I believe your theory is… incorrect.”
Klaus looked surprised. “What?”
Gil nodded. “Yes, what you want is possible, but your theoretical structure is flawed. There’s no way this machine could ever work.”
Klaus’ face darkened and he drew himself up. When he spoke his voice was glacial, and his words were measured. “Think carefully, boy. You’re saying that I am wrong?”
Gil paused, took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. He clutched the fishbowl to his chest protectively, but his voice was firm. “Yes.”
Klaus slowly relaxed and looked at him carefully before he swung his arm onto Gil’s shoulder and patted it twice. He smiled. “You are quite correct, my son.”
As one Merlot, Glassvitch and Agatha burst out with a loud “WHAT?”
Gil frowned in annoyance. “Another test, Father? I am beginning to find them tiresome.”
Klaus twitched an eyebrow. “Ah, it is much like raising children then. But I persevere for the moment.” He turned to the three shocked researchers. “Thank you, doctors. You will receive new assignments tomorrow.”
At this Agatha could no longer contain herself. “This was all for nothing? But they worked so hard!”
Glassvitch began to nod furiously in assent. “For three months we have toiled on this monstrosity!”
Merlot, who had seemed the most stunned, began to show signs of a growing annoyance. “We were simply… window dressing.” His voice gained energy. “I see. I understand.”
Glassvitch looked at him in surprise. “What? Silas, you’re the one who’s always going on about how little time we have for our own work.”
“Oh, yes—but now I understand why the great Dr. Beetle couldn’t be bothered to work on this oh-so-important assignment.” His voice began to break with emotion. “Unlike we mere mortals, he had real work to do.”
Dr. Beetle frowned and stepped up to the distraught scientist. “Merlot! I don’t like your attitude—”
“Then how do you like this?” With viper-like speed, Merlot spun, and his hand cracked across Beetle’s face, spinning the older man halfway around and sending his spectacles flying through the air.
The Jägermonster’s machine pistol lazily swung towards Merlot. “Ho!” He grunted, “I tink I bettah—”
A hand dropped onto his arm and Klaus shook his head. “Hold. Gil? You are about to receive an important lesson in employee relations.”
Meanwhile Beetle and Merlot had squared off, the aging scientist vibrating with rage. “How dare you! I’ll—”
Merlot interrupted him. “Shut up! Shut up! My attitude? How dare you treat us like this? Just because you have the gift you think we’re simpletons? I have faithfully served you for twenty years and you waste my time with this garbage? I thought you had finally given us something worthwhile! I am not a student! I am not a construct! I haven’t got The Spark, but I am not a fool and I do not have to take this from an arrogant has-been like you! Does the Baron know that his trusted old mentor has defied his strictest orders with his latest experiments? Experiments conducted in the middle of a civilian town?”
With a snarl he strode over to an unobtrusive wall panel, jerked it open and threw the switch inside. “Perhaps he would like to see the important work that has been keeping the Beloved Tyrant of Beetleburg so busy!”
Dr. Beetle screamed, “Merlot! Silas! For the love of God! NO!”
However, this came too late, as the back wall of the lab folded back into itself, revealing a hidden laboratory.
Dominating the center of the hidden room was a massive glass and metal sphere, festooned with gauges and pipes. Within its depths swirled a thick roiling fluid. Within the fluid, shapes could only vaguely be seen, but when one slowly drifted close to the glass, what could be seen was extremely disturbing. After one look, the Jägermonster and the clanks independently swung their weapons towards the panicked Dr. Beetle. Dr. Glassvitch pulled Agatha back. The expression on Klaus’ face would have frozen nitrogen.
A triumphant Merlot gestured at the sphere. “Slaver wasps, Herr Baron! I wish to report that two weeks ago we found a fully functional, unhatched Hive Engine, which Dr. Beetle insisted upon bringing into the heart of this University!” He turned with a vinegary smirk towards Dr. Beetle. “Now—Master—show me how fast that superior mind of yours works! I want to see you talk your way out of this!”
CHAPTER 2
“When a monster flattens your home, it doesn’t matter who built it.”
—Peasant saying
The room froze for a timeless moment. Finally Klaus slowly shook his head, his great hands balled into tight fists. His eyes gleamed with controlled fury. “One rule, Beetle. I made one rule when I left you in charge of this city. ‘Report all unusual discoveries. Devices of the Other are to be turned over to me immediately.’ You agreed.”
The smaller man shook with rage. “A pledge made under duress is worthless, Wulfenbach! You threatened my city, my university— I’d have agreed to anything! You were in control then.”
Klaus raised an eyebrow in inquiry. “And now?”
Suddenly from above came a CRACK—that shook the building. A white line appeared near the ceiling and spread, revealing itself to be the open sky, as with a thunderous groan, the roof was lifted open upon monstrous hinges by the towering figure of Mr. Tock. His eyes glowed and steam poured from his moustache as a vast hand reached in and aimed an array of fingertip nozzles at the Baron and his son. A voice like a pipe-organ boomed, “DO NOT MOVE.”
Beetle drew himself up and a triumphant grin crossed his features. “Now I am in control!” He followed this statement with a burst of laughter that showed that the owner had done a fair share of gloating in his time, and had the basics down pat. “What do you think of that?”
The Baron and his son stared up at the colossus for a moment, then eyed each other, as if each were embarrassed at the thought of speaking first. Finally the Baron cleared his throat and said, “Yes, Gil, what do you think of that?”
Gilgamesh looked furiously at his sire. “Are you joking? This is another test?”
Klaus shook his head. “No, no—He’s quite serious. But I am interested in your analysis.”
At this Dr. Beetle burst out with a startled “Hey!” which the two politely ignored.
Gil rolled his eyes and shifted the fishbowl to his other hand. The fish grinned. Gil sighed. “Oh very well. If we directly attack him, the clank kills us. But if he kills us, our clanks will finish him. An apparent standoff.”
The Tyrant cackled. “Correct! Now—”
Gil wheeled on him in annoyance. “Oh shut up before you embarrass yourself any further!” Beetle sputtered in shock as Gil continued. “Being a short man,” he gestured significantly at the looming clank, “he places too much importance on size.”
“I’M NOT THAT SHORT,” Beetle screamed and futilely attempted to kick Gil in the ankle.
Gil ignored him and continued. “Thus the use of the one, slow, unwieldy, but impressively large clank, instead of surprising us with a squad of the faster but smaller units that are no doubt surrounding the building.”
“And excuse me, but I do still have the drop on you.” This contribution was also ignored.
“He has thus ‘Put all his eggs in one basket,’ confident that he could contain our group.”
“As I have!” the Tyrant screamed.
Gil looked pityingly at the smaller man. “A viable strategy perhaps. If we had come alone.”
An explosion rocked the building and all heads whipped upward in time to see half of Mr. Tock’s face explode in a cloud of smoke and metal shards. The giant automaton wobbled slightly, then, like a great brass tree, slowly fell over sideways out of sight, though the sound of his hitting the ground left nothing to the imagination, and the entire building shuddered from the impact. A few seconds later, a rain of metal shards pattered to the floor. In the sky overhead floated a fleet of military airships, all sporting the Wulfenbach crest on their sides.
“Tock!” cried Beetle in an agonized voice.
Klaus outlined the size of the forces overhead: “The Third Airborne, the Seventh Groundnaut Mechanical, and the Jägermonsters. Can we end this now?”
“Guards!” Beetle yelled. The Baron’s party rolled their eyes.
The Jägermonster sneered. “Now he calls for de guards?”
Gilgamesh shrugged. “Yes, well… make it quick.”
The main doors to the labs crashed open as a squad of Beetleburg’s feared Watch marched into the room in perfect step. Each unit raised its left gun arm in perfect unison and they all chanted “Stand!” in four part harmony. They were instantly mowed down by the hail of armor-piercing bullets from the machine cannons of the two Wulfenbach clanks.
As the last bits of metal rained down, the Jägermonster gave the order to cease fire. “Dem,” he remarked, “dat vas easy.”
Klaus looked disgusted. “They were the best self-contained fighting machines on the planet—When they were new!”
Beetle looked stunned. “My… my Watch!”
“Time marches on, Beetle; you remained behind. Well, by now the city should be secure—”
Beetle snapped back into the present. “This is an invasion? Blast it, Klaus, this is my city!”
The Baron looked contemptuous. “Wrong. It became my city ten years ago. I merely let you administer it.”
“But… but…” Beetle gestured, “But why?”
Klaus’ eyes narrowed. “Withholding a Hive Engine isn’t enough?”
“But that would mean…” Beetle stared at Klaus. “Before Merlot… You already knew!”
Klaus idly looked out the window. Screams and explosions could be heard faintly through the glass. “A field team has a sudden ‘communications breakdown’ followed by several ‘accidents.’ The river is cordoned off for a night, the laboratory schedules are suddenly rearranged. If you analyze the last week’s chemical requisitions, as well as the dramatic increase of the price of honey in this sector…”He slammed his fist down on the window sill. “Of course I knew!” For the first time an expression of regret crossed his features. “I had hoped I was wrong, old friend, but…” He sighed, “Ah, well.”
Suddenly Agatha appeared at the Baron’s elbow. “Please, Herr Baron, don’t kill him! We need him!”
Klaus closed his eyes. “Where do they get these ideas?” he muttered. “Beetle, the loyalty of the rest of your people does you credit. They can rest assured that I have no intention of killing you. Indeed, I have use for you.”
If this was meant to be reassuring to the smaller man, it had the opposite effect. His eyes went wide and his face paled. “No!” His initial strangled whisper changed to a scream: “I’ll never submit to being one of your experimental subjects! Never!” As he said this, his hand grabbed one of the stylized, beetle-shaped cloak clasps on his chest and ripped it off. As it came free, it snapped open into the deadly shape of one of the Tyrant’s feared seeker drones. It still resembled a beetle, but this one was sleek, armored, and its’ brass needles gleamed. The Jägermonster snarled and tried to bring his weapon up, but before he could, Beetle launched the device towards Gil, Klaus and Agatha, shouting, “You won’t get me! You won’t get any of us!”
Calmly, Gilgamesh tossed the goldfish bowl up high into the air. Pivoting in place he swept a large wrench off a nearby bench and, continuing the motion, smashed the flying device in midair. Clattering and sparking, it pinwheeled back into Beetle’s face.
Gil then dropped the wr
ench, caught the falling fishbowl, grabbed a startled Agatha and pulled her to the ground while yelling, “Down!”
An explosion rocked the lab and blew those remaining upright to the ground. Agatha felt herself encircled by strong arms. A tiny part of her mind had time to notice the warm, spicy scent of Gil’s hair and to identify an odd sensation as that of a goldfish bowl pressing into her back.
The echoes of the explosion died down amidst the clatter of falling machinery and the tinkling of glass.
First on his feet was the Jägermonster. “Herr Baron?”
The Baron rose and dusted himself off. “Relax, Unit Commander.”
He knelt beside the swaying figure of Boris, who was trying to raise himself up and dust himself off simultaneously. “Ah— wha—sir?” the secretary muttered.
Klaus helped him to his feet. “Pull yourself together, Boris, you’re fine.” He nonchalantly looked over toward his son. “Gil?”
“I’m all right, Father.” He looked down at the girl in his arms. “And you, Miss Clay?”
“I… I think so. Where—?” It was then that she saw Dr. Beetle’s shattered and smoking spectacles upon the floor. “NO,” she shouted, “Dr. Beetle!”
Dr. Glassvitch was already kneeling over a small smoldering corpse. “Dead. He’s—”
The Baron interrupted him. “His head! How’s his head?”
Glassvitch swallowed. “T—totally destroyed, Herr Baron.” Klaus swore.
Gil looked contrite. “I’m sorry…”
Agatha twisted away from him. “Don’t touch me! You killed him!”
Klaus nodded. “Permanently. A pity, that.”
Gil looked stunned. “What? He threw a bomb at me.”
Klaus cocked an eyebrow. “A poor excuse.”
“Poor excuse?” A look of annoyance crossed Gil’s face. “He threw a bomb at me!”
The Jägermonster wandered up holding an unidentifiable organ in its hand. “Hey, I von’t say he vas shtupid, but I hain’t findin’ a lot uf brains around here!”