by Bry Ann
Lacey’s cheeks burn red. “I know.”
“No, you don’t. If you did, you’d be mad at me.”
“No!”
Lacey spins in her chair to face me all the way, disconnecting our linked fingers.
“That’s not true. Rose, no matter what you do, no matter what mistakes you make or how mad you make me, or if you move on and make friends other than me, you’ll always be the girl who snuck out of the room she was locked in to see me, a girl she’d never met, in her cell. You’ll always be her to me.”
“So we’re good?”
“Of course. I have to admit that I’m a little mad you never tried to get word to me that you were okay. You know I would have never told your secret, but about Maria, I was honestly never mad. I’m glad someone’s been there for you. I’m just glad you’re okay. That’s all I’ve wanted.”
“I love you, Lacey.”
There’s a pause on her end before her face softens. Lacey is not one to say the word “love” lightly.
“I love you too, Rose.”
“Good. Now talk.”
Lacey doesn’t even hesitate.
“You need to call Kev and Nix.”
“That’s not exactly what I meant.”
“I know, but you wanted me to talk. To say what’s bothering me. Right now it’s that. I’ve spoken with both of them about you. I may not agree with some of Nix’s choices, but he’s been hurting. And Kev is a wreck, as I’ve told you. I understand the choices you’ve made, even if I don’t agree, but not to tell them now would be selfish.”
“Alright, I’ll call them.” Shit.
Fuck, Nix has been pushed so far out of my head. He’s my brother. A brother I haven’t even had time to come to terms with yet. Not only that, but my dad tried to kill me because of him. I don’t know how to process all this.
“Do you have your phone?”
“You want me to call them now?!”
No way. No. No. No.
“Why wait? What’s one night to you is one more night Nix spends holding Sage, thinking of you, suffering in silence. It’s one more night Kev has to lean on his girlfriend because he can’t come to terms with what he saw happen to you. I don’t care what time it is. You should call them.”
“I…” How do I argue with that? “Yeah, I have my phone.”
My bones feel like they are vibrating as I reach for my cell. Shit. Lacey’s fingers curl around my wrist.
“You’re doing the right thing, Rose.”
I turn my head. Her grey eyes are soft and encouraging. Her feet lift off the floor onto the chair as she uncurls her fingers from my wrist.
“I know. It’s just not easy to do the right thing.”
Lacey nods. “It never is, but it’s worth it. Always.”
A smirk graces her lips.
“Maybe if our guys had done the right thing, we wouldn’t be in such fucked up situations.”
My lips open in a gasp. “Wow, Lacey. You tell it.”
“I’m just saying, as an example.”
“Okay.” I glance up at her. “You’ve gotten bolder.”
She shrugs. “I had to. I have a daughter. If I don’t stand up for her, Ruston will, and I love him to death, but a little girl needs her mom.”
“You’re an angel, Lacey.”
Lacey takes the phone now being loosely held in my palm and shoves it forward into my chest.
“Phone.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I try to sound annoyed, but my voices comes out as a squeak. I hate to admit this, but doing the right thing does not make me braver, like it does for Lacey. I’d rather hide, cower, and do the wrong thing for my own selfish benefit. Maybe Sven sensed this is me from day one. I hate it, but if there’s one thing I know, it’s that change starts with action.
“Can I start with Kev? He’s easier. Nix is… complicated.”
For obvious reasons. Brother. Reason for my bullet. Overall more complicated man.
Lacey nods in understanding.
“Of course.”
Whewwww…. I exhale a big, deep breath and slowly, digit by digit, find Kev’s contact in my phone, and click it before I change my mind. Before I can run and regret ever stepping foot in this house again. I glance at those grey eyes, the ones that always inspire me to grow as a person, and take another breath.
I got this.
“Hello, Kev’s phone. This is Lea speaking.” She pauses. I can almost feel the distaste growing on the other end of the line before she quickly accuses, “It’s very late, you know.”
My lip twitches, despite everything. Wow, Kev is with a total stick of dynamite. God, I can’t face her first. She’ll flip… and I just can’t.
“Lea,” I hear Kev groan in the background, “Give me my freaking phone. Don’t scare the person off before we even know who it is.”
“Kev, it’s really freaking late. What if—”
“Give me the phone, Lea.”
His voice is soft, like the Kev I know. My heart skitters. It feels like it’s having its own seizure.
“Hi, this is Kevin.”
He sounds casual as ever, but I hear the guard in his voice. My mouth falls open but no words come out.
“Hello?”
Lacey pinches my upper thigh.
“Hi.” Lacey starts to frantically tap at my thigh. I know she’s worried about Kev, that I’m gonna scare the shit out of him, or worse, re-traumatize him.
“Who is this?” His voice goes stiff.
“Please don’t freak out,” I beg, tears starting to slip out. “Kev, it’s Rose. I’m… alive.”
“What? No. No. Who is this? I watched her die. This isn’t fucking funny!”
“Kev,” I hear Lea gasp, sounding scared.
“I’m sorry. This isn’t a prank. I survived the bullet,” I suck in a huge, choked breath. “Kev, I’m so sorry. I went into hiding. I never... Kev, I never wanted to hurt you. I’m so sorry.”
Are there words bigger and better than sorry? What do I even say? I sniffle and wipe the snot dripping down my chin with the back of my hand.
“Kev?” I squeak. “Kev, please say something.”
“I… I… Rose?”
“I’m here. I’m here. Kev, I’m sorry, for everything.”
“Have I lost my mind?”
I hear Lea snort in the background.
“No. I’m really alive. I can’t talk, and…” I flash to the meeting with my father earlier. “And you can’t see me. Not yet. But I wanted you to know that I’m okay. And… I wanted to thank you for trying to warn me when I got there. You didn’t have to do that.”
“I’m having… I’m having trouble coming to terms with this. How are you alive? I was there. There was so much blood. I’ve… you… I…”
“You’re in shock. I understand. It’s okay. I’ll send you a picture with a timestamp for physical proof so you don’t sit around wondering if this is real. This is my cell phone number. Call me anytime, but just… um, be careful with this number. I still need to stay quiet.”
“The police… they…”
“Know I’m alive. They know, Kev. They helped me stay hidden.”
“I’m sorry, I… Rose, I’ve… I couldn’t…”
“Shh, go hold Lea. Let her help you. I’ll send you the picture. We’ll talk soon, and one day, when I can, we’ll get together. Take care of yourself, Kev.”
“Wait, Rose!”
“What the hell is going on?” I hear Lea shriek, but he’s not listening to her.
“Kev, we’ll talk. I promise. This distance is better, for now.”
He pauses. “Are you safe?”
Of course, Kev’s a saint, too. I glance at Lacey, and think of Sven’s dark eyes inside waiting for me, waiting for me to fully choose him, even though I know he wants to stake his claim on me as bad as he wants his next breath.
“Yes Kev, I’m safe.”
“That’s what matters,” he mumbles, reminding me of Lacey’s words earlier. �
�Thank you for calling me, Rose.”
“Kev,” I cry. “I’m sorry for what my father did to you. If I could ever…”
“Don’t. He’s not your father, Rose, and you had no part in that. Please just take care of yourself. Send me that picture, too, because I will be wondering what the hell is happening.”
“Of course.”
Anything, Kev, you sweet man. Literally anything.
“Goodnight, Kev.”
“Um, bye, Rose?”
It comes out like a whispered question, like he doesn’t believe me, but who could blame him? I end the call, holding my phone with my eyes closed. Lacey lets me have a moment to myself.
“Is he okay?” She finally asks in a quiet voice, scared to break my perceived peace.
“I don’t know. I don’t know! I don’t even know him anymore!” I jerk my hand through my hair. “This is all so messed up.”
“Rose, Rose, listen to me! This wouldn’t be any better if you hadn’t called him. The only difference is that he would be the one suffering with all this, not you.”
My face falls.
“I know.”
“I promise. When you sleep tonight, when you eat again and nourish your body, a lump you’re used to being there will be gone. You won’t know why, but I hope you think back to this, because setting someone’s mind at ease at the risk of your own is the fastest way to a calm mind in the long run. I’m sure of it.”
Her soft smile and gentle squeeze of my knee force me to relax.
“You’re so wise, Lacey.” I shake my head. I can’t believe her.
I don’t give her time to deny it. I’m already snapping an awkward picture and texting it off to Kev. I double check to make sure there’s a time stamp on it. I’m just through sending it when I feel the air around me shift. I turn around. The change could only be explained by Lacey.
I’m not wrong.
She’s shifted so she’s facing away from me, and her knees are tucked in tighter.
“You should call Nix, too.”
Her voice is cold and flat, so unlike the Lacey I know.
“Hey, Lace, what happened between you and Nix?”
She stiffens further. “Nothing. We’re fine.”
“Fine? Really? Come on, that’s the universal code for everything is completely not okay.”
“I’m angry with him, that’s all.”
“Really? No way!” I gasp, teasing her.
She glances back over her shoulder with a small smile.
“I missed you, Rose,” she giggles. “Fine. I don’t like how he handled your death. He didn’t speak with me for a year. Let me believe he knew nothing, only for me to discover he knew a hell of a lot. He didn’t clue me in, he didn’t turn the information he knew in to the police. All I got was ‘you don’t understand everything, Lacey, so stay out of it.’”
I watch, dumbfounded, as her small body vibrates with anger.
“Forget that, and him! How could he ask me to move on from my best friend’s death? So yeah, you could say I’m a little pissed at him.”
“Oh.”
That’s all I can say, because even though I am confused as hell about all of this still, I almost see his point. My father is twisted, I realize that now. I’m betting there really is more to the story than Lacey knows. Even just going off of what my father told me today about Nix working for him, and trying to get out.
I don’t say that to the seething woman beside me though.
“But forget my anger, you still need to call him. He deserves it. He protected us for a while. Besides, I’m not going to do the same thing he did and keep him in the dark. Call him.”
“Alright, Lacey.”
Having already called Kev, I feel ever so slightly more relaxed this time.
That is, until Nix’s tired, deep voice sounds over the phone.
“Hello,” he rumbles, sounding pissed off.
“Shit. Oh, um, Nix, it’s Rose.”
Shit, was I supposed to just blurt it out like that? I’m guessing not, because the longest silence in the history of the world fills the other end of the line.
“No.”
Several minutes of strained silence and that’s all Nix says. No, just no.
“It really is me. I survived the bullet and went into hiding,” I’ve repeated this so many times since I got here, I don’t feel connected to that statement at all anymore. “I know this is a shock. I’ve cried so much over this, I don’t think I’m capable of it right now, but trust me, none of this is easy and I’m confused and…”
“You’re alive?” He asks, like a man preparing for battle with no emotional attachment to the outcome. I hear shuffling, and then…
“I’m heading there now. By the time I have everything situated, it will be morning. Get some sleep. I’ll see you with my own two eyes tomorrow.”
Click.
“Uhhh….”
I stare at the phone. What just happened? My eyes don’t leave the cell. What. In. The. World. I realize I’ve been staring at the phone for too long when Lacey plucks it from my hand and sets it in my lap.
“What’d he say?” Her tone is still guarded.
“Nothing. He didn’t say anything. Just that he’s coming tomorrow.”
“I can see him doing that,” she mutters. “He’s a planner. It’s his job in life to cope with things so others don’t have to.”
“Hmm, I guess you’re right. Can I be done now?”
Lacey’s lip twitches. “Yes, that’s all there is.”
“Good. Now it’s your turn.” I sit up straighter and lower my voice. “How are you, Lacey? For real. Not some whispered lie.”
Her lips purse, but she still manages to shoot me a grateful smile.
“I’m fine. Busy. Tired. But fine.”
A sigh escapes my lips. “I know about Miguel, Lacey. Most everything. Some I know from… you know, what happened on Thanksgiving, but I learned the rest today. I know you’re not okay. You can’t be.”
“The rest? You learned the rest today? Your dad… he…” Lacey’s eyes widen, and then she abruptly hardens. “What did he say, Rose? Don’t you dare try to hold back for my benefit. I need to know. If it’s bad, Adam won’t tell me, and I need to be prepared.”
“Adam?”
Lacey’s eyes go immeasurably wide. I see the bravery slip from her like water from a glass.
“You can’t… Rose… I can’t believe I just…” Her eyes fill with water. “Oh my gosh! I’ve never done that.”
She starts to fully hyperventilate. It’s then that I realize… Adam… Ruston… Boss… that’s his name. He’s English? Adam, what a simple name. Wow. I glance back up at Lacey. She’s having a full-blown panic attack. I’ve seen her freeze, rage, hide inside herself, I’ve seen her at her best and her worst, but panic. Having a full-on panic attack. I’ve never seen her like this before.
“You can’t say anything. I promised...” She fights for air, fully hyperventilating now. “I said. I can’t believe I…”
Gasp.
Exhale. Exhale. Exhale.
“Lacey, breathe. It’s okay. I won’t. I promise. I need you to breathe for me, okay?”
“I can’t…. breathe.”
Gasp.
“I promised.”
Her eyes shut, her legs pull in tighter and she curls into herself. I can still hear her strangled breath, even though she’s hiding. I know panic attacks well from working with my girls. She needs a safe voice. Shit.
I wish I had Adam’s number. I run off at full speed, sliding along the tile, desperate to get to his room. I reach his hallway and throw my fist against the door.
“Open up!” Knock! Knock! Knock!
“Who the hell?”
The door flies open. There the Boss stands, scowling with Rose in his arms giggling silently from whatever they were doing before.
“Rose, what the hell?” Realization dawns on his face. “Where’s Lacey?”
His voice goes firm. Despite his daught
er, casual attire and ragged appearance the aura of a mafia boss radiates off him now.
“She’s outside,” I say, fighting to keep my voice calm, “She’s having a panic attack. I need your help. She needs a safe voice. You’re that for her.”
“Panic attack?” He sounds as confused as I am. “Damn it.”
He sets down his daughter gently, despite the energy coursing through his body. He grabs his phone and rattles off a call for Mirial to watch baby Rose.
“Go out there with her,” he orders. “I’m coming.”
He winces like he can’t stand having to wait, but he has a daughter holding onto his pinky finger that he can’t leave behind. I run off. I get back to the patio as soon as I can. Lacey’s still huddled up, shaking. Her breathing is evening out, but still unsteady.
“He’s coming, Lace,” I whisper. “It’s okay.”
I’m scared to touch her. It’s so different helping someone I know. With her disconnected like this, I don’t want to trigger her PTSD. Honestly, I don’t know what to do, and Adam, Ruston, whoever, can’t get here soon enough.
“Lacey.”
He rounds the corner at a sprint. His obvious love for her is demonstrated by the fact that he is completely disheveled, outside his bedroom. Where his staff can see. He came as soon as he could. Literally right away.
His eyes find her and he brushes past me like I don’t exist. He slowly puts his hand on her knee. It’s like her body knows his hands, because she doesn’t panic. But I don’t think she’s consciously aware that it’s him either. She’s too lost in her body’s fight or flight symptoms.
“What happened?” He grits out.
“Umm…” I can’t tell him this. Shit. Shit. Shit.
“Rose,” he warns with a scowl.
“She said something she wasn’t supposed to. Then she just flipped.”
I purposely leave it vague, knowing he’ll put the wrong pieces together.
“Fuck,” he mutters. His hands find her hair and he gently massages her tangled strands. “Little dove, can you hear me? You’re safe. It’s okay. Shhh.”
She looks up slowly. When she sees who it is, she absolutely freaks out. She pulls back with a leap, almost sending her chair crashing to the ground. Adam, Ruston, Boss, what do I call him? I’m confused. Whoever he is, he catches the chair in time with a furrowed brow.