“That’s because you were knocked out cold and lost a lot of blood. They gave you a transfusion to top you back up.” He pauses as a couple of nurses walk by my door, then continues. “When you finally did wake up, they gave you some more medicine to knock you out in the ambulance to make you more comfortable, and then I believe they gave you some more when the doctor stitched you up. After what you’d been through—”
They didn’t want to hurt you more is what Ryder can’t say.
His expression twists with tension, and that same upset is evident in his tight posture and how he’s clenching and unclenching his hands.
“Oh” is all I can think of to say, glancing at the IV in my hand. Right now I don’t have words yet to understand and process what I’ve been through. Part of me knows I should be traumatized. But at the moment, the only thing that matters is that Ryder found me and now I’m safe. I just can’t think or figure out anything beyond that. “How’s my father?”
“Recovering well,” he answers, instantly flooding me with relief that we all came out of this a little beat up, but alive. “Your mother came by to see you about an hour ago, but she’s back up in his room. Would you like me to go get her?”
I shake my hand to wave him off, but immediately regret it and shut my eyes tight against the pain. “Ouch.” The back of my head burns from rubbing across the pillow, and I grit my teeth, staying still until the pain drifts away. “Mental note, no sudden movements.”
“The governor is in jail, as well as one of the perps,” Ryder says next, a couple minutes later, and this time there’s a bite to his voice. “The guy who threatened you is dead.”
I hear the palpable anger in his voice, and when I reopen my eyes I don’t see that same anger in his expression, but I do see it in his eyes—burning there just below the surface. And that’s not all I see. Black eye, bruised lip, cuts on his neck. His injuries fill my vision. “My God, your face—”
“I’m fine,” he says, voice tight, unmoving.
No, he’s anything but fine. I watch him a moment, trying to figure out what’s got his back up and what’s going on in his mind. “Okay, what gives? Shouldn’t you be over the moon right now? I mean, you are the hero, after all.”
No emotion at all shows on his face, as one eyebrow lifts. “You got abducted. You got hurt. Where is the heroism in all that?”
“You came for me,” I tell him softly. “I would’ve died if you hadn’t gotten there. There is no doubt in my mind of that.”
“I found you by luck,” he retorts. “It was the arrogance of the governor that led me to you. He came to me both fishing for details of what we knew and to act the part of the concerned governor.”
“Then how did you know it was him?” I ask, curious now.
“I saw his scar.”
“Well, all of the cards fell into place and you found me. Isn’t that enough to make you happy?” I try to put a positive spin on this to get him out of his current mood. When that doesn’t work, I add, “The good guys are alive. The bad guy isn’t, and the other two are in jail, where they should be.”
Ryder’s mouth sets in a firm line—obviously he has no intention of answering me.
I frown at him, sitting there in the navy blue plastic chair, seeing that he’s fighting something, holding back for sure. “Okay, what is going on with you?”
There’s a crack in his blank expression, as his eyes slowly begin to narrow. “You know what I want to say.”
He’s right, I do know. There’s only one thing that would piss Ryder off more than not being able to keep me safe. “That I shouldn’t have tackled that guy and hurt myself.”
Tension is thick in the air between us as he slowly adds, “And then you’re going to say?”
“That I didn’t have a choice.”
He rises from his seat and moves to stand next to me, arms crossed, ever the imposing man. “Then I’m going to say, there’s always a choice and yours was the wrong one.”
Sure, he might look a little intimidating standing there all growly. But…“Then I’m going to say that I couldn’t have watched him hurt you.”
He releases his arms, stuffing his hands into his pockets, and gives a long, suffering sigh. “Which is why this conversation is pointless. I don’t like that you felt you needed to help me. I also don’t like that you got hurt in the process. But I understand why you did what you did.”
All of which are good points. So that’s the end of it, right? Nope, of course not. He doesn’t look at all settled. In fact, he looks worse. “So then you’re just going to stand there and simmer in anger, pissed that we understand each other?”
“Yes.”
I snort at him. While I know Ryder will never admit that my move helped him, it did in fact give him the advantage that he needed. But maybe that’s what makes me good for Ryder. I begin to wonder, watching him now. I don’t listen to him. I challenge and test him. And maybe I couldn’t be that woman Ryder needs in his life if it wasn’t for everything I’ve been through and all the therapy that had raised my confidence and self-awareness to where it is today. And maybe I wouldn’t have had the balls to pursue Ryder if I hadn’t seen how short life is and learned to never waste a second not going after what you want.
I’ve always wanted him, that’s never been a question in my mind.
Perhaps he simply needs to be reminded of that. “Well, I have a better idea than standing there all grumpy. How about you come over here and kiss me.” I give him a warm smile, hoping it eases the chilliness in the air.
He doesn’t move, continuing to practically scowl.
“You don’t want me to move, do you?” I ask, lifting my hand to my bandaged head. “What if that hurts me more?”
His jaw muscles clench once and then again, but he sighs heavily. “Always too smart for your own good,” he mutters, moving closer.
He hovers over me, and I grab his gray T-shirt and pull him close. “Thank you for getting there in time.”
His lips press against mine, but I feel the distance right away. The coldness of his touch. The lack of passion. Really, the lack of anything. “Seriously, you can’t still be upset that I swan-dived into that guy?” I ask, the second his lips leave mine. “It’s a few stitches, Ryder. No big deal.”
He leans away, giving me a very hard look. “Kissing you got us into this mess in the first place. If you didn’t feel the need to protect me, you wouldn’t be hurt right now.”
“That’s stupid,” I tell him sternly.
“Stupid?” he repeats.
“Yes, stupid.” I push off the sheets a little, revealing the hospital gown, as my skin flushes hot. “I would’ve tried to help you, regardless of the fact that we’ve been intimate.”
“I highly doubt that,” he states matter-of-factly, crossing his arms again. “Until this is all over and I know no one else is involved, this, us, is a bad idea. And you’re hurt. This isn’t the time to give in to lust.”
This isn’t the time to give in to lust. I’m shell-shocked at what’s come from his mouth. Ryder is lust. He breathes it like fire. Lust is what we got built on. I search his eyes to understand where he’s coming from. I’m not sure how I didn’t notice it before, but there’s coldness in his eyes that I remember. It’s the same coldness I’d seen in his eyes for the entire year that he’d put the wall up between us. “That whole speech right there is stupid, too. Sex with you will make me feel better, and will make you feel better, too,” I say playfully, trying to get him to lighten up. “We’ve been through hell and back. Come here and let’s feel better.” I try reaching for him.
He frowns, steps back. “We are in a hospital, Hadley.”
That would never have stopped him before, and I know that. Ryder’s kinky—he’d love some random sex in an unexpected place, especially with me. I’m not ready to give up, regardless of the stone wall he’s placing between us.
Deep down, I know I can’t let him shut me out. We won’t ever recover. Because the second he refu
ses the lust between us, it’s over. Because in my soul, I sadly know that’s all he’ll give me. “So what?” I implore, and I know I’m desperate, scrambling to get a connection with him. “Tell the guards outside not to let anyone in.”
He snorts, crossing those arms again, bulging his biceps that I ever so badly want to touch. “How do you know there are guards outside the door?”
“Because you’re you and I know you would ensure that there are.”
He watches me a moment, then shakes his head. “Regardless, this cannot happen.”
I don’t know what happened between when I saw him in the bathroom at my parents’ house and now, but whatever it is, it isn’t good. “So, we’re back to this, are we?” I stare at him, knowing I shouldn’t feel rejected that he’s pulling away, though I do. “Will you ever not look at me like I’m only the senator’s daughter? Will you ever not look at me like I’m the biggest mistake you’ve ever touched?”
I don’t know what he sees on my face or if it’s my words, but it changes his expression in a flash. I can’t get a read on him at all. “You being the senator’s daughter is a fact, not something we can ignore.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I tell him, my heart now in my throat.
His voice softens. “It does matter, because now you feel like I regret touching you, and I don’t. This isn’t about thinking you’re a mistake and not wanting to take you right here, right now, and make us both feel better.”
“Then do it,” I implore.
“I can’t,” he says, voice thick with emotion. “Every time I close my eyes, I see that goddamn gun to your head. I hear the fear in your voice. I see the horror in your eyes.”
“I want you,” I whisper, trying to get his mind off all that happened.
“I know you do, and that’s the problem. I can’t give you what you need right now.” The emotion his eyes contain blindsides me, but breaks my heart all the same. He’s torn, and this is—I am—ripping him apart.
“Ryder,” I whisper, attempting to bring him back to me.
He stays silent, studying me intently.
I don’t know what to do, or what to say, to fix this. I knew the hurdles we faced. I admitted them to myself in the bathroom after my father had been shot. Maybe I even thought we could get past them somehow. But now, looking at him, I see he’s fallen right back into that role. He’s the protector. I’m the woman he shouldn’t have touched, because now things are very complicated.
“I can’t do this anymore,” he says, and it’s obvious he didn’t even hear me calling his name. He’s looking at me, but not really seeing me. His mind far drawn into himself, he’s not even hearing me calling out to him, over and over again. “This has to stop.”
Then he does what he used to do—he leaves, shattering my heart into pieces.
Chapter 19
Ryder
I’m so damn tired when I enter the elevator and glance at my cellphone. I read the texts from Alex, updating me on all she’s discovered about the governor and his goons. While I appreciate her hard work, what she’s telling me are things I already know from the police department. I brace against the elevator wall as it whizzes up to the fourth floor, and I fire off a reply: Keep digging. Get me something that will make Tobias shake in fear.
Consider it done is her reply.
When the elevator doors open again, I stuff my phone back into my pocket and my feet drag against the tile floor on my way down the hallway. My stride is slow, and the weight of my body feels far heavier than I am. And that’s not all from exhaustion. I’m not where I want to be in the least. Before, that wouldn’t have mattered to me, because my duty would have been with the senator. But now I want to be with his daughter, not here.
There are a thousand things I wanted to say to Hadley. I wanted to claim her, making her mine, telling the world to fuck off so I could have her all to myself. I wanted to take her a moment ago like she begged me to, fulfilling all of her needs.
But I can’t make her those promises. Not yet. And I refuse to hurt her by offering things I cannot deliver on. Goddamn it, she’s been through so much. The car accident with her friends, the attempted murder of her father, her abduction, and being held at fucking gunpoint. I can’t be another plot in her story that doesn’t end well, and I can’t continue to be torn between what my mind and my heart want.
Something’s gotta give.
That’s what brings me to her father’s hospital room.
When I enter the room, I find Hadley’s mother sitting in the navy blue plastic chair by her husband’s bed, reading a book. Hadley’s the spitting image of her mother. Same hair color. Same eye color. They even share the same body shape. The only difference is her mother has her hair cut in a short bob.
Since she doesn’t notice my appearance, I glance at the hospital bed, finding the senator is reading documents lying on his lap. Obviously he’s back to work, which isn’t exactly a surprise. While he’ll rest more to heal, he’s not the type of guy to sit around and watch television all day.
I knock on the door, and Mrs. Winters’s head lifts and a warm smile immediately crosses her face. “Oh, Ryder. Hello.” She places her book down on the bed and moves to me quickly, throwing her arms around me in a fierce hug. “There are no words to possibly thank you for finding Hadley. The thought of what the governor could have done—”
“It was my pleasure, ma’am,” I interrupt, not allowing that thought to continue more than it should. This family has already been through enough. Besides, my finding Hadley hadn’t been out of duty; it had been something so much more, and something I don’t want to be thanked for.
When she releases me and steps back, she asks, “Is Hadley awake now?”
“Yes, and I’m sure she’d love a visit.”
“Oh, how wonderful. I kept checking on her, but the nurses said they’d call as soon as she was up.” Mrs. Winters moves back to the senator and kisses him on the cheek. “I’ll be back soon, dear.”
“Don’t rush,” the senator says with a smirk. “I’m not going anywhere.”
No, he likely wouldn’t for a while. Even though he’d done incredibly well during surgery and no vital organs were hit, he’d still been shot and needed time to recover. Not something I intend to tell a man like Gary Winters, however.
I stay off to the side as Hadley’s mother approaches me, giving me another one of her warm smiles before she leaves the room. After she vanishes into the hallway, I enter farther into the room, stepping next to the senator’s bed.
Gary gestures to the seat his wife had been in. “Take a seat, Blackwood. You look ready to fall over.”
“I feel about ready to, sir.” I drop down into the seat, angling the chair to stretch out my legs next to the bed, and I lace my hands behind my head, craving my bed and sleep in a very bad way.
The senator removes his reading glasses, gesturing to my face. “Did you get those injuries tonight?”
I nod, lower my hands, and cross my arms. “Believe me, he got worse.”
Gary’s head cocks, eyes become inquisitive. “You killed that man tonight, did you not?”
“Yes, sir.”
The senator chuckles. “Well then, yes, he got worse.” I laugh with him, but quiet down when he adds, “Do we know anything more about this shooter?”
I report what I learned from the police department while I waited for Hadley to wake up. “His name is Viktor Sokolov. He’s never been on our radar, but from what the investigator told me, he’s been on the FBI’s most wanted list for some time. Tobias Harrington found himself quite the popular hired hitman out of Russia, along with another crony to assist him, apparently.”
“Jesus Christ,” the senator growls, rubbing a hand across the stubble on his face. “The media is going to have a heyday with this.”
I nod in agreement and explain further, “Though it looks like this is as far as it went. There’s no evidence that my team could find that anyone else was involved.”
“I’
m glad to hear it. Finally this shitshow can come to an end.” He gathers up all his papers and places them neatly on the bedside table before addressing me again. “The police have come to see me three times. I’m sure they will come again and more should develop from that.” I nod agreement again, and then his expression softens. “With that out of the way, tell me: How is my daughter doing?”
“She’s a floor beneath you and in good spirits,” I reply.
Gary pauses, using the remote control to move his bed into a more upright sitting position, and frowns at me. “The doctor could have told me that, Ryder. I want you to tell me how Hadley is doing.”
I pause, considering how to answer his question. “I’m not sure, sir.”
His brows draw together over his intense eyes. “And why would that be? Are you two no longer a couple?”
“I believe that’s a better conversation for you and your daughter to have, sir.”
“Bullshit,” Gary barks, causing me to freeze in my seat to stop myself from shifting uncomfortably at being called out. “I asked you.”
Seeing I must oblige the senator, I choose my words carefully. “Things are complicated, sir.”
“Usually things with women tend to be complicated,” says Gary. “Care to enlighten me on what exactly is so complicated?”
On one hand, I feel it necessary to tell Gary what’s going on. On the other hand, I don’t know how he’ll react when I do. Though, as I stare at the man I’ve long respected, I realize there’s nothing but the truth between us, and that can’t stop now. “Her history is a complication. It’s making me cautious in my next steps. And it makes me not want to pretend there aren’t some roadblocks in our way.”
It appears my answer surprises him, as his brows wing up. “I didn’t realize things were so…heavy between the two of you. What about her history is troubling you?”
There’s a line about to be crossed that I’m not sure we can ever uncross. But I’ve already crossed those same lines with Hadley. There’s no going back now. “Hadley told me about the car accident.” I’m careful not to throw blame in his face, when I add, “She also told me about how you felt at the time it was best to cover up the accident and keep her name out of the media.”
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