At first I want to run toward him and stop him from making a compulsive confession. It’s not until we’ve both made it inside the room when I feel the pressure of the situation coming in full circle. With every single breath I take I think about Baz hating me. I wonder what will happen, and if he’d ever be able to look at me again.
Max, on the other hand, doesn’t disclose his newfound information to his best friend. “Look who I found in the elevator,” he announces while pointing to me. “She says she was just heading back to see you.”
“We’re dating now,” Baz announces.
I cross my arms and attempt to laugh and act normal. “Not exactly. I agreed to one date.”
“Oh, she agreed to way more than the date.”
Max and Baz laugh at his assumption, while I ponder if coming back to stay another hour was a good idea, or another decision I should I have reconsidered. Engrossed in my own thoughts, I lose track of their conversation. Eventually I hear my name being mentioned, and tune in to see Baz smiling.
“What do you think, Miley? Should I try it?”
“I’m sorry, I missed what you said.”
“I was telling him how you make me want to get better. You’re my inspiration.”
I can’t look at Max. I refuse to. I won’t let him ruin this for Baz. It’s not even about being humiliated. I want Baz to fight to get better. Giving all my attention to Baz instead, I bring my lips down and press them on his shoulder. “Thank you for saying that. I’ll be here every step of the way.” Our hands lace together, and in that moment it’s just the two of us. I can’t let Max change things. This is the choice I’m making, and on this occasion I’ve had plenty of time to change my mind, but I know I’m not going to. This is my reason. He’s my reason.
Chapter 23
Baz
Every day a physical therapist comes in and works with me. Since I’ll be in the halo device for a total of eight weeks we have to do all of the exercises while I’m stuck in the bed. It’s aggravating, and as the days pass I feel like I’m becoming more irritable. The doctors say my back is healing much faster than expected. With most of the damage in the vertebrae of my neck, my lower back and leg pains have improved. That’s not saying I don’t have spasms and tightness. The halo is the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever experienced. On the areas they’ve drilled it into my skull it’s irritated and itches. I get headaches from not being able to move my head in any direction. I’m just thankful Miley doesn’t look at me like I’m wretched. She makes it a point to tell me I’m handsome. When she touches me she’s not repulsed. For the past couple of weeks the growing relationship between me and Miley has intensified. She kisses me when she arrives, and then before she leaves each day. We hold hands and talk about seeing each other outside of this hospital. We never run out of things to talk about. It’s something I cherish, because I’ve never been interested in a woman enough to want to know everything about her.
I stopped counting which day it was weeks ago. It doesn’t matter if it’s a Friday or a Monday. The routine remains the same. It’s so monotonous I may go crazy before it’s all said and done with.
Going through the motions of healing has been a challenge to say the least. I push myself to do the easiest of tasks. Lifting my legs for instance. It’s grueling and sometimes I just want to give up, but I know I can’t fail. I have to fight through whatever challenge is thrown my way.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited than the day they get me seated in a wheelchair. The pain in my butt bones is excruciating, but I fight through it to be mobile for just a little while. The halo is not only attached to my head, but also a huge torso case that protects my back. It’s a hard shell and causes me to have to sit straight up. I’ve never been concerned about my posture, yet this thing forces me to be.
When Miley walks in the room to see me sitting her eyes light up with pure excitement. We’re getting closer to being able to get out of here. I can hardly wait until the day I can hold her in my arms.
For the first time in four weeks I’m able to leave the confines of my hospital room without a nurse, doctor or technician. Miley pushes my wheelchair all around the building. She takes me outside to a garden rich in greenery and colorful flowers. It’s indescribable to feel, see, hear, and smell the outdoors again. I’ve been in that gloomy, plain room for so long it felt like I’d never have this opportunity again.
We sit across from one another, me in the chair, Miley on a metal bench, and finally have a moment of privacy. I take her hands into mine as we stare into each other’s eyes. “I don’t know what I would have done this past month without you, Miley. You came into my life when I was at my worst. You lifted my spirit, every single damn day, and you made me want to look forward to the next. I never thought at my lowest point I’d find someone like you. I meant what I said in the beginning, and then two weeks ago when I asked you out. I want us to be something to each other.”
“We are.”
We’re gazing in each other’s eyes, and it’s killing me to not be able to lean over and kiss all over that perfect face. It’s hard enough for her to lean in between the halo to touch my lips to hers, or how awkward it is if we even attempt to kiss for longer than a few seconds. I’ve imagined what it would be like to slip my tongue inside of her lips and feel her reciprocate. I’ve longed for that next move, but it’s impossible to ask her to be uncomfortable for my benefit. She’s already doing enough. “When I get this shit off my head I’m going to kiss you for days. I’m going to thank you in every way imaginable.”
Miley peers in the direction of two birds playing mid air. Their chirping caught her attention, drawing her away from me. “I have some news, Baz.” She finally looks at me briefly before shying away from my stare. “My uh, my volunteer work is about to end. There might be a couple of days where I won’t be able to visit. I don’t have a car, so it’s going to be difficult getting to the hospital.”
“Are we breaking up?” I have to act like it’s a joke or else she’s going to actual see right through me and know she’s much more than someone I’m looking forward to screwing around with. This chick gets me. I’ve never wanted companionship like this until she came into my life. I can see myself waking up next to her and wanting to be something better. For the first time in forever surfing isn’t my first priority. It’s getting out of this hospital so I can change, all for the benefit of being someone she’ll want.
“No. It’s not like that. Whatever we are to each other won’t change.” I watch as her face scrunches up, and while I worry something else has gotten her upset, I start to see flashes of her in another place. It makes no sense. Miley has never been outside this hospital with me, yet I can vividly picture her hands covering her crying eyes. She sniffles and wipes the tears away, parting her lips to speak, but it’s me who does the talking.
“I know you,” I manage while in shock. Pointing right at her, I continue. “Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me it wasn’t you.”
As the memories continue to overwhelm me, the story plays out in my head. The frantic stranger on the beach. She didn’t belong there. She couldn’t swim. I recall seeing her in the water and desperately trying to save her when she didn’t want to be saved.
There’s a burning in my eyes, but it’s anger filled with a rage from being deceived since the beginning of this escapade. She’s been playing me along. She’s here because she’s guilty. She’s volunteering her time with me because she’s responsible for my accident. She’s the reason I can’t walk or move. Saving her made me this way.
Positioning my hands on the wheels of my chair, I back away.
Miley darts toward me with a panicked face. “Baz, please. You don’t understand. I wanted to tell you.”
“No. You’ve had a month to tell me. Instead you let me fall for you. You let me develop real feelings when all along you knew you did this to me.”
I’m so disgusted I can taste the bile rising to my throat. Unfortunately, I’m unable to wa
lk out of here in order to get away from her quicker. Instead I’m inching in reverse while she’s marching forward.
Her tear-filled eyes seem hopeless as she continues to plead. “You have to listen to me, Baz. I never wanted to hurt you. What we shared this past month is real. I care about you.”
“You crippled me. Jesus, it’s all so clear. You fought me. I was trying to save you and you kept pushing me. I got caught in those waves because I was determined to save you.”
“I’m forever grateful for what you did for me. You’re my hero. I made a mistake, a huge mistake, and I’m so so sorry. You have to know that.”
I’m not worried if tears are trickling down my cheeks. This is the worst feeling. Five minutes ago I trusted this person with my life, and now in a flash it’s all ruined.
“I want you gone, Miley. I want you to leave and never visit me again. Stay the fuck away from me!” I’m so pissed off I want her out of my sight.
Miley attempts to reach for my hands. I pull them away so quickly I feel something pull in my back. The pain rips through my body, but instead of cringing, I let it fuel the rage. “Stay away from me. You’ve done enough. You’re an evil person. Take your lying ass somewhere else. I’ll find my own way back to my room. We’re done.”
“Baz, please…”
I close my eyes, because the flashes of that day that I’ve been missing are better than seeing her lying eyes pleading for forgiveness. I can’t forgive her. I’ll never get over this. My teeth grind together as words escape my semi-closed lips. “You ruined my life. You destroyed me. I hate you for this.”
Miley doesn’t walk, she runs. It’s not until I hear the door close that I know she’s gone. I don’t care how long it takes me to get back to my room. There’s nothing but bad memories there anyway.
Chapter 24
Miley
I’m confounded with utter defeat. I’m running, bawling my eyes out, while desperately attempting to make it back to my room. A room that won’t be mine after tomorrow.
This is what I’ve feared. Losing him in this magnitude, the realization, the anger and hate, it’s unforgivable. He’s not going to want to hear my excuses, because none are enough to forgive what I’ve done. I’ve essentially let a man rely on me, come to care about me, all while knowing I’m the person who destroyed him.
He must think I’m sick in the head. I’m beginning to wonder myself if maybe everyone is right. I’m worthless. I tried to be supportive and make amends for the harm I caused, but now I’ve made matters worse. He was professing his feelings one second and the next he remembered what I was too afraid to admit.
I tried to be honest, so many times I wanted to come clean.
Now it’s too late. He wants nothing more to do with me. All hope is lost. I can’t expect his mind to be changed. He blames me, and he has every right to, because not a day goes by where I don’t look at him and blame myself.
I must be a complete fool to imagine we could have shared something real between us. How could it be when I was lying the entire time?
He can’t hate me more than I hate myself. I’m sick to my stomach, shaking; a weeping pool of tears leaving a trail of where I’ve come from. People are staring. I’m eager to close my door and disappear from their wandering thoughts. I need to hide until the pain subsides, if it’s even possible it can.
Having roughly a hundred bucks in cash left to my name, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Dr. Lucas has been so good to me, but now I’m afraid I’ve lost my reason to fight. Why should I continue my next step of the program when I don’t feel fixed? I’m no better. Instead I’m worse. I’ve ruined another life. Yet again, I’m nothing but a bad omen.
Anyone who gets near me is doomed. I should wear a sign across my forehead just to warn people ahead of time.
I’m inconsolable for hours, neglecting my final group therapy session and passing on dinner. I don’t want to see or speak to anyone. I just want to close my eyes and pretend I’m surrounded by nothing but blackness.
When despair reaches it’s all-time low, I begin to think about suicide again. I imagine how much better everyone would be if I wasn’t a burden to them. Baz said he never wanted to see me. He said he hates me. The truth won’t set me free, instead it releases me from current obligations, but leads me into the darkness again. The only thing I’m free of doing is walking in front of a bus and ending the pain.
I’m not certain how long I’ve been asleep. My face is stuck to my pillow when I attempt to sit up and look around the room. It’s dark and quiet, and for a couple seconds I take in the space and appreciate being alone.
Then, without asking permission, I decide I can’t take it anymore. I need to at least explain myself and tell him how much he means to me. Even if whatever we have is over, he needs to know I wasn’t there every single day because I felt sorry for him. It was much more than that. I’ve spent thirty days getting to know every part of him. My heart opened up to the idea that maybe we were meant to be together. Why else would he have been there to save me? Why would we both have spent a month in the same hospital? I can’t give up on that.
This intrusion won’t go over well. Baz is back to being an ass. I know it even before I step foot into his room. Without being able to turn when he hears me come in, I use the advantage to position myself where he can only listen to me talking and not see my sorrowful face. “Baz,” I whisper.
“Miley,” he strains. “Please go away. I told the nurses not to let you in here.”
“They weren’t at their stations.”
“Are you even a volunteer?”
I fidget with my hands. “Not exactly. I’m a patient.”
“A patient? What are you talking about? Never mind. I don’t want to know. It won’t matter. I said it before and I’ll say it again. We’re done here.”
“I care about you, Baz. My feelings for you are genuine.”
“You got to know me because you felt bad for what you caused. I spent the afternoon considering what I would say to you if you reached out to me. It fucking hurts. What you did, it’s pathetic. Why would you even go out in that water in the first place if you knew you couldn’t swim?”
“Because I wanted to die, Baz. I just wanted to die.” Now I’m really crying, while still hiding behind the hospital bed to avoid eye contact. “I came to the island to kill myself. It’s somewhere my momma never had a chance to go. It’s like her heaven, and I needed to feel close to her, because she was all I had left in this world.”
“You need mental help, Miley. If that’s even your name.”
“It is,” I admit. “Everything I told you was the truth.”
“Like I said before, it doesn’t matter. I’m not your friend. I’m not your boyfriend. You’re the stranger who ruined my fucking future. You need to leave.”
“I know you care about me, Baz. You’re mad, but you can’t lie about your feelings.”
“The only thing I lied about was having feelings at all. You were just someone to bide my time. You were someone I planned on banging once and walking away from. There’s nothing special about you.”
“That’s not true.”
“Screw you. Leave!”
He’s raising his voice and I know it’s only a matter of time before someone comes in and I get in trouble. “I can’t leave things like this.”
“I’ll hit the call button and have you thrown out.”
“I’m going!” It’s not what I want. I tried. I attempted to get through to him, but it’s too soon. It’s going to take a miracle for him to want to be my friend again, and I can forget about him caring. I lost my chance when I decided to keep the truth from him. “Just one more thing before I go. I thought my life was over until I met you. You gave me purpose and for that I’m grateful. The man I’ve gotten to know for the past month is everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m really sorry I hurt you, Baz. All I wanted to do was be close to you and see you through this, not because of how it came to be, but because it felt li
ke it was meant to be. Thank you for showing me the difference, and I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me.” The last sentence is difficult to get out. It’s in this exact moment where I realize just how deep my feelings for Baz go, and how much I’m losing by walking away.
This is all my fault and I deserve to be alone.
Chapter 25
Baz
I’m at a loss for words. The complete shock of it has hit me so hard I’m unable to comprehend what to do. All I know is that I don’t want to see or hear from Miley Rose again. I’m furious and outraged. Mostly, I’m embarrassed and hurt.
I’ve always wondered how someone as careful as me could have put myself in such a dangerous situation. I’m careful and practiced. Losing control in the water, in any way, seemed like it was far-fetched. While my mind wouldn’t let me remember, I came to terms with what I may never understand. Up until earlier today when every single lost second came back to me. There she was, the beautiful mysterious chick being dropped off by the taxi. She sat on the beach for the longest time, seemingly distraught. Before I knew how to comprehend what was happening, I saw her struggling in the water. My reaction was swift, without much consideration. I couldn’t sit on my board and watch someone die.
Saving her would have been easy. It’s the fight that caused the accident. Miley didn’t want to be saved. She was telling me to let her go.
To. Let. Her. Die.
After spending countless hours together, hearing the story of her past and the loss, I sort of get why she wanted to give up, not that it excuses what happened. By making a careless decision she inflicted harm on someone else. I could have died too. I should have. God knows I don’t remember how I got out of the water, or the helicopter ride to the hospital. What I can recall vividly is the look on her face when she realized I remembered all of it.
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