I knock. It’s weird, because I lived in the house more recently than she did, but I don’t feel like hearing smart comments for just walking on. A little girl who is missing her two front teeth opens the door. She’s wearing a bright yellow shirt and matching shorts with orange flowers all over them. Her brown hair and blue-green eyes tell me she’s my sister, even without having to question it. She’s like my mirror image of when I was that age. “Hi. I’m Keegan. What’s your name?”
“Keegan,” I hear Mom’s voice from within the house. “Honey, you better not have answered that door.”
She takes off before my mother comes into view.
This isn’t the woman I remember. Her dark hair is dyed blonde, almost platinum. She’s wearing makeup, but it’s natural, not like the hooker face she used to plaster on before going out. Her clothes are preppy; a pink polo shirt and pair of capri khakis, with white loafers on her feet. I notice diamond earrings, too small to be fake. Her wedding ring is massive, and where I vividly recall her teeth being chipped in the front, she’s smiling with a perfect set of pearly whites. Her staring is becoming uncomfortable.
“Are you going to let me in?”
“When you said you broke your neck I didn’t know you’d show up like this.”
“Well that’s what happens when you break your neck. It comes off in a couple weeks.”
“Is that drilled into your head?”
“Yep.” I shake my head at her fake concerned demeanor. She doesn’t deserve to care for me. That right was given up a very long time ago. “I’m not here to talk about me. I’m here because my grandma passed away, and I know I still have some things in the house.”
She lets me inside. “Fair enough. You could at least stay for a while to get to know your sister.”
The little girl is sitting in front of the television watching a cartoon. They’re singing a song and she knows every word of it. When she hears me come into the room she turns and flashes that toothless smile again. “What’s your name?”
All I can think about is being that young. I don’t have many memories of my early years. If they were good I can’t remember. It leaves me feeling sad and angry. I was robbed of the simplest of things, because of two selfish parents. Sometimes I wish they would have relinquished parental rights when I was a toddler. At least then I could have been adopted by a family who would love me. That’s one thing I never felt.
Love.
Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to admit I might feel that way about Miley. I’m not certain what love feels like.
The child waits for me to answer. “Baz,” I announce. “I’m Baz.”
“That’s a funny name.”
“Because it’s not his real name, sweetie. This is your brother, Brian.” Her voice makes me cringe. My head instantly hurts and I feel a sense of loss above all, because she’s nothing to me.
Keegan stands up and runs toward me, hugging me around the legs. “You came. Mommy said my brother wasn’t coming.”
“I’m here.” It’s no secret that I’ve never been around kids. They make me uncomfortable, probably since I have no experience. Plus my childhood sucked. I’d rather not have reminders of those years of my life. “It’s nice to meet you, Keegan. I’m sorry I won’t be able to stay longer, but I have to get to back my house.”
“Speaking of houses, I’m going to need you to sign some papers.”
I step away from my newly discovered sister and face the woman who brought me into this world. “What kind of papers?”
She shakes her head like it’s some kind of misunderstanding. “It’s ridiculous if you ask me. I think she did it because we hadn’t been on speaking terms. It’s probably spite.”
“What? What the hell are you talking about?”
She points to my sister like she’s never heard profanity before. “Please watch what you say.”
“Give me a break. Do you even remember the things you used to call me?” I can recall every single word. Worthless. Waste of space. Little asshole. Nag. Brat. Fucking leech. The list goes on and on. This isn’t a good person. For the longest time I thought it was normal, up until I was old enough to have friends and see how different their lives were. Then I knew there was something very wrong with the way I was being raised.
“I’m not the same person. I found Jesus and married a good man.”
“Whatever, I’m not here to talk about you, or make up for lost time. Frankly, I’m good with never seeing you again.”
She literally starts to cry right in front of me. She gets herself so worked up she has to walk into the kitchen to wipe the tears running down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been a terrible person to you. I don’t know why I assumed you’d be happy to see me; to possibly start over. We could be a family. Isn’t that what you always wanted?”
“It’s way too late. That boy you abandoned is gone. I have a good life now, and a family who stands by me when shit gets tough.”
“Are you married? Have any kids?”
“I wouldn’t tell you if I was. It’s none of your damn business.” I’m so annoyed by this. “Just tell me what to sign so I can get the hell out of here.” I reach in my pocket to pull out my phone and find that it’s missing. After checking the other pocket I remember having it on the seat of the taxi. Great. I must have left it in the car. Now I’m really screwed.
“The lawyer dropped these off last week. I was going to just sign your name for you when we couldn’t hunt you down.”
“Forgery is a crime, just in case you don’t know.”
“I’m well aware, but it’s not like you would have known. The sooner I can get this place on the market, the better.”
I’m confused. “What kind of papers am I supposed to be signing?”
“Well your grandma decided to list you on the deed transfer proceeding her death. My dad had their lawyer draw it up after you were born. They made sure I got what I deserved for staying away. Everything is sitting in escrow right now, and it can’t be divided without your signature.”
“You’re telling me this house was left to me?”
“On paper, yes, but as their daughter I’m entitled …”
I stop her before she’s able to continue with her bullshit. “Whoa. If it was left to me, it’s mine. There’s no way in hell I’ll sign it over to you. If you haven’t noticed I have a broken neck and medical bills I’ll never be able to afford.”
“They left you the whole estate, Baz. I’m listed as a secondary only if you were also deceased.” Her sobs cause her to take a break. “Please. They did this to hurt me for the pain I caused them, but what you don’t understand is that I’d been communicating with my mother for the past year. We were on good terms. She told me she wanted me to have the house.”
“Well, it’s a shame you didn’t contact the lawyer ahead of time. I’m not giving you shit. In fact, you need to get out of here.”
“I have things in this house, and some matters to attend with my attorney and the real estate agent. It’s already in the works to be listed on the market.”
“This house is not for sale.”
There it is. I see the mother who gave up parental rights. The fire ignites in her eyes and she turns into the demon I remember her to be. Without even considering how she’d react, I see her coming at me. She shoves me hard in my stomach until I’m tumbling backward onto the hard wooden floor. The amount of pain I experience makes me see stars. There’s a ringing in my ears, and I can’t seem to catch my breath.
Keegan comes running over to me and offers her hand, but I’m too shocked to take it. I look her right in the eye and plead. “Call 9-1-1. Tell them to hurry.” She runs away, leaving me and mother alone in the room. “When I get back from the hospital you need to be gone, or else I’ll press charges.”
“I didn’t mean it,” she starts. “Please, Brian, you made me angry and I reacted. You said you have a good life. I can use the money.”
“You have a husband and a family. I’m
sharing a room with my adult best friend, because I’ve had to fend for myself since I was just a kid. You’re the most pathetic excuse for a parent. Keegan deserves better. I don’t care if you found Jesus. Jesus can’t help someone who holds hate inside of them. You haven’t let go of your past if you pretend it never happened. Own up to your shit, and stay the fuck out of my life.”
Keegan runs in and hands me a portable landline phone. I maneuver it through the halo and call off the address to the operator.
My mother has started a war, and when this is all over, I’m going to leave her high and dry, just like she left me.
Chapter 39
Miley
I barely got any sleep last night, because all I could think about was Baz. An early shift at the hospital cafeteria kept me busy this morning, but now that I'm on the way home all I want to do is reach out to him. I send a text message, just a hello, how are you today, generic question. I keep looking at my phone to see if he's read the message. Nearly an hour goes by and he still never even opened it. I send him another message. This time I ask if he's ignoring me. When he doesn't open that message either I start to take it personal.
We shared a really intimate wonderful day together yet now I'm questioning everything we ever discussed. I wonder if all along his agenda was to just screw me, and now that it's over he never has to talk to me again. Maybe I was right all along when I assumed he was a player, a self-made gigolo.
By the time I meet with Dr. Lucas, I’m consumed with anxiety. I don’t even have to start explaining before she takes one good look at me and wants answers. “Are you okay, Miley?”
After sitting, I shake my head and look down at my knees. “No. I’m so messed up. It’s stupid. I made a bad decision and now I’m stressing about it. On top of that, my heart feels like it’s breaking again.”
“Can we start with yesterday? Does this have to do with why you missed your group session?”
Shrugging, I avoid eye contact with my doctor. “Kind of. I had something to do and it ended up taking much longer than I anticipated. It was all a mistake. I never should have done it.”
“Are you in trouble, Miley?”
“No. I’m not in trouble. I didn’t do anything illegal. I made a compulsive decision and it proved to be a bad idea. Now I’m confused and hurt.”
“Are you able to elaborate?”
“I don’t want to get kicked out of the program, so no, I’ll keep it to myself.”
Dr. Lucas sits her pad down and crosses her legs. “Talk to me as a friend. Off the record. What happened that’s gotten you this upset?”
“It’s Baz,” I blab. Tears are starting to form in my eyes, so I avoid blinking to keep them at bay. “He invited me over to his house. We’ve never been able to really be alone. One thing led to another and we had sex, more than once. It was beautiful and romantic, even with his injury preventing us from doing a lot of things. He held me in his arms and for the first time in forever I felt happy. It was perfect. I even told him I loved him, but he didn’t say it back. He changed the subject. I thought I was overreacting, but when I tried to talk to him last night he blew me off, and today he won’t even read my messages. I think he used me until he got what he wanted. I’m such a fool,” I announce while burying my face in my hands.
“I’m very sorry things didn’t go as well as you would have liked them to. How do you feel now?”
“Like shit.” There’s no need to hold back. I trust Dr. Lucas. She can’t help me if she doesn’t know the whole truth. “I feel broken again. It’s like a revolving door. It opens and slams right in my face. I guess I really thought we had something special. I believed him when he said he cared about me. Now I can’t be sure anything was the truth.”
“What will happen if he never calls?”
She has to ask these questions, nonetheless, I hate them all the same.
“I guess I’ll have to get over it.”
“And how will you get over it?”
“I’ll keep myself occupied with work and my new life. I won’t let this change my progress. I’m still thankful for a second chance at life. I’m just sad things didn’t work out the way I would have liked them to. Being with Baz feels right. I swear it felt mutual yesterday.”
“Have you considered something may have come up?”
“He’s not allowed to leave his house unless he has doctor appointments. Even then, he’d still answer my texts or read them. It’s like he’s purposely ignoring me. Why would he do that after yesterday if he wasn’t trying to get rid of me? Maybe I wasn’t good enough.”
“Don’t do that, Miley. You can’t put the blame on things you did. Unless you hear the truth from his mouth, you can’t assume you’re the reason for his actions. Not everything is your fault. I need you to say that.”
“Not everything is my fault,” I repeat. “I still feel responsible. I mean, I did rush over to be with him, risking the program and my progress. It was my choice to sleep with him. I decided to express my feelings for him.”
“I’ve only met with Mr. Zakins a few times, and we didn’t go into detail about his personal life, but he spoke highly of you. I’m inclined to think something else happened.”
“Like I scared him away. Baz doesn’t have family, not blood relatives he talks to. He’s been disregarded by both of his parents, and treated like a stranger by his grandma. It’s like he’s never been shown affection. I think hearing those words from me literally scared him off. He can’t deal with it, and frankly I don’t blame him. I should have waited. He just came home from a traumatic event. It was wrong to assume he’d be ready for something like that.”
“Maybe he needed to hear it.”
“Well, if that’s the case he’s got a funny way of showing his appreciation.”
“Miley, I know you think your friend gives you purpose, but you can’t rely solely on him for your progress.”
She’s right. I can’t.
Dr. Lucas hands me a tissue. I take a couple minutes to calm down, and when we get back to talking she changes the subject. We make a life plan, starting with long-term job ideas and places I’d like to settle down. She distracts me from thoughts of Baz, and once the session is over I think I feel better. As soon as I’ve returned to my room it all comes rushing back. It’s too late to wish we never met on that beach, but the thought has crossed my mind.
I need to let this go. We shared something special and now it’s probably over. I can’t change Baz, and if he doesn’t want me then I’m not going to sit around and pout about it. We’ll always be connected when it comes to that day in the water, and the time we shared in the hospital. He helped me want to live, and I’ll be forever grateful. I’m here today because he needed me just as much as I needed him. It’s not a lot, but it makes me smile. Then it finally hits me. I know what I want to do with my future. I need to help people. I want to comfort people and help them through bad times. I’ve done it before, and I’d like to think I’m compassionate enough for the task. I’m not sure if I’m qualified, but there has to be some kind of job out there where this criteria can be filled, and now I’m going to throw myself into finding it instead on dwelling on what can’t be changed.
Chapter 40
Baz
I’m back at the hospital with no phone to call anyone and let them know what’s going on. I know the number to the surf shop, but it’s closed by the time I try to call there. Hopefully someone will find my phone and actually look for the owner instead of keeping it for themselves.
My mind wanders to Miley. I know she’s probably thinking I dissed her. I told her I’d talk to her today, but after losing my phone I don’t know how to reach her. It’s not like she told me the number and I memorized it. I only know the surf shop because I have to put it on the vendor forms or tell it to customers.
This is bad.
I’m taken right into a room instead of the emergency department. As soon as a hospital band is slapped on my arm I’m being taken for an MRI. I’m
in a good amount of pain, but this time I can feel it everywhere.
The ride to the hospital sucked, but I managed to let the paramedics know I didn’t want my mom going with me. I heard her arguing with them before we pulled away from the residence. She didn’t have to push me hard to fuck me up. I couldn’t catch myself from falling. When I hit the ground my head went backward. The halo frame slammed against the floor and it vibrated into my scalp.
Aside from my back and neck feeling tight, I have an excruciating headache. While I’m fed into that hollow tube to get images of possible new damage, my mind travels to Miley. I wish she was waiting in the room for me. She’d make the worst pain manageable. She’s the only reason I made it through without losing my mind.
Now I’m right back where I started.
I’m given something for pain management while awaiting the results. Luckily this time I can use the remote to flip through channels on the television. Nothing appeals to me. Thankfully the medication begins to work and I feel myself becoming loopy. The only thing I’m able to do is let it relax me and take a much needed nap.
I dream of being on the beach with Miley. This time I’m not restrained by a brace or halo. The sun is setting, the mountain tops have a haze of clouds across them. She’s taking it all in, watching the birds flying across the open water. Feeling the gentle breeze on her face. All I can see is her. I’m captivated by her beauty and the way being close to her makes me feel. She’s nurturing. She cares about everything. She wants to live for me. The knowledge of that only increases my desire to hold her near. It’s like I need her in my life. I’m dependent on her love, because I know it’s what I’ve been missing my whole life. I’ve never had stability, and she hasn’t been the same since losing her mother.
I kiss her on the side of the head first, then work my way down to her neck. Nestled in the nape, my tongue draws a pattern to her ear. I flick her lobe then kiss the skin behind it. She takes my hands and places them on her naked breasts. I circle my thumbs over the brown areolas, purposely skipping the nipples as they harden.
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