A Broken Forever

by Megan Noelle

  Our kiss stopped and he looked down at me with a pained look buried deep in his eyes.

  “Christ, Grey, you scared me, and let me just say I don’t normally let many things get to me while I’m here. But the second I saw you come in, I honest to God thought I was having a heart attack.”

  “What happened?” I finally had to ask. As much as I wanted to respond in some sweet and loving way—I needed to know what was going on first.

  His eyes slowly blinked shut as he ran a hand through his mussed up silver hair. “Kari said you were out with her and her boyfriend, you stepped into the road and a car nearly hit you. Apparently you backed up in time, but you fell pretty hard and twisted your ankle, bruised your hip bone and hit your head against the pavement. You wouldn’t wake up so they called an ambulance and asked them to bring you here because Kari remembered you saying something about me working here.”

  Flashes from exactly what he was talking about hit me, and not only did I remember the situation, but the reason for my foolish mistake of walking into a busy street. It was him. A man I haven’t seen in years; the one that used to be my everything had been standing just feet from me. What made my heart twist was remembering the way I was drawn to him. I couldn’t see any cars because Stefan was all I had seen.

  Even though I was lost in my head, I knew by the look in Richard’s eyes that he was waiting for something. Maybe an explanation of what happened, but I couldn’t tell him. Because, quite honestly, I had no idea what happened.

  For years I had wondered what would happen if Stefan and I ran into each other. In one version, he mouthed the words ‘I’m sorry’ and maybe I’d nod and give a smile, but then we would go our separate ways. In another, when I wasn’t exactly in the best mental state, I wanted to run in to him. That way I could march right up to him and scream into those blue eyes I used to get lost in. I’d tell him how terrible I thought he was, how I would never forgive him and how he would one day die with that on his conscience.

  Never once in all my thoughts and dreams did I guess I would react the way I did today. If someone might have asked me if I expected to see him and be lost in him and drawn to him, I would have told them absolutely not. But I couldn’t deny it, no matter how badly I desired to.

  I cursed my foolish heart for ever once thinking of that man. He left me mentally and emotionally long before I left him physically. That’s the kind of person you never give another minute of your thoughts to. You don’t feel every inch of yourself craving him, yearning for him. You forget about him and until recently…I thought I had.

  “It’s been a long day,” I told my waiting fiancé. He nodded and pressed a gentle kiss to the center of my forehead.

  “Just rest, baby. I’ll be here until three in the morning when my shift ends. If you don’t mind, I am going to run home to shower and change, but then I’ll come right back.”

  Panic instantly set in as I finally looked down at my hospital gown attire. I sat all the way up and tried to function past the sudden woozy feeling in my head.

  “No, I’m not staying.” Richard had no idea about my past history with hospitals, but I couldn’t stay. Especially not here, overnight in the place that has always signified the end of my family.

  His lips pursed to quietly shush me as his strong arm forced me back into the bed. “Grey, my love, you have to stay. You hit your head very hard, and I worry you might have a concussion. I can’t be home to watch you and I want to make sure you aren’t alone.”

  “It’s fine. I’ll just not go to sleep, okay? Please?” I pleaded with him. Richard chuckled but shook his head.

  “I get it, Grey, most people don’t like hospitals. You have always skillfully managed to avoid coming here to meet me. They aren’t exactly happy places, but I need you to do this for me, okay?” The slight amusement in his eyes had completely disappeared and in place was a very serious look that suddenly made a knot form in my throat.

  “Please baby, I am used to seeing gruesome sights and people’s lives hanging in the balance. This is what I have been trained to deal with. What I haven’t been trained to deal with is seeing my fiancée wheeled in completely unresponsive. Once I realized you were okay I felt a little better, but not much. Every spare second I’ve been in here with you because I had to be here when you woke up.” He took a hand and rubbed it over his face as his eyes cast towards the floor. “Maybe I’ve been overreacting, but I never, ever want to see you come in here that way again.”

  That was all it took. In a few minutes time my reserve to leave had faded. This place hurt me, Richard didn’t know why, but right now none of that mattered. All I knew was the man I loved needed me. Every single day I woke up and knew how incredibly strong Richard was. But never have I heard a confession like this come from his mouth.

  I lifted his left hand and brought it to my lips. My lips placed a kiss to his bare ring finger; I flicked my eyes up to him and saw the soft look of content come back to him.

  “I love you, Richard Michaels. I promise you, I’m not going anywhere.” He laced his left hand with mine and smiled at the exquisite diamond engagement ring in its rightful place on my finger.

  With a sigh he said, “I can’t wait until the day you are mine forever.”

  The words, ‘I already am,’ were on the very tip of my tongue, but for some reason they wouldn’t come out.

  It hurt to hold in the words, but I knew deep down something else was hurting even more. Instead, I fanned my hand across his cheek and pulled his lips down to mine in a passionate kiss that I hoped said every word I couldn’t. The smile on his face as we parted put some ease in my mind.

  “Now, Kari said she would talk to Kacie for you and let her know what happened. You can call her and let her know you’re okay and I’ll have some dinner sent up for you. But after you eat I want you to rest please. Okay?”

  I nodded my head and gave him a smile. “I promise.”

  “Good girl,” he said with a wink before checking his pager and excusing himself to go help the rest of his patients.

  My purse and clothing were sitting on the chair closest to my bed. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through what felt like a million texts. I called Kacie and talked to her, no, listened to her for a good twenty minutes. She was in a complete frenzy that something had happened to me and she wasn’t immediately there to save me. By the end of the call I was even more in love with her, which I truly didn’t believe was possible. There were a dozen other messages from my staff asking if I was okay and sending best wishes. I decided I would respond to them when I wasn’t quite as tired as I was now.

  Although there was one message I responded to. My heart plunged to my stomach as I read Kari’s text.

  Kari Brooks: Was that…

  That was all the text said, but quite honestly, that was all it had to say. I knew exactly what she was talking about and as much as I craved to keep that moment to myself—it was almost a relief to have someone to share it with.

  Me: Yeah. It was.

  My entire body became emotionless as I ate the food Richard had sent up, while I mindlessly watched TV. The nurse stopped in and asked if I was in pain, and without thinking I replied, yes. She brought along some pain meds with an extremely drowsy effect, which, quite honestly, was probably the best thing for me. Because the kind of pain I was feeling wasn’t the kind a medication could cure. Sleep was undoubtedly the best thing.

  The soft drops of rain pinged on the crimson awning that was put up today in preparation for the poor weather. It was kind of the groundskeepers to think of us, but a piece of fabric wasn’t going to keep the storm away. The Priest spoke in a low even tone; words of remembrance, words of praise, giving little Allie a proper goodbye.

  But I tuned it all out. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Not yet, it was just too soon.

  Surrounding us was my family, friends of ours, and a few other people that knew and loved my sweet angel. I knew I would have to thank them later, but right now I could do nothing b
ut cry.

  Tears streamed down my cheeks as a lump in my throat let me know it wouldn’t end anytime soon. Everything hurt and it felt like nothing could make it better. My mother cried into my father’s chest, my brother’s head was hung while Cara rubbed his back while tears slowly fell from her face. Heat from my friends’ bodies radiated onto my back letting me know they were there but in my heart—I felt nothing. My arms wrapped around my stomach as I stared at the beautifully bright and colorful roses lying across the top of the silver casket. I knew she would have loved them; her eyes would have twinkled and her fingers would have reached to touch them. My heavy eyes looked from the flowers to my plain black shoes as tears rolled from my cheeks, becoming hidden in the rain. In my heart this meant even the Heavens were crying for us.

  Allie was an angel and there was no doubt about that, but it wasn’t time for her to go home. My insides twisted and flipped as another fresh wave of tears made their way out. The eulogy pressed on, but the pain in my soul was too loud to hear the words; that is, until he spoke the words I asked to be a part of his sermon. The words were written by A.A. Milne, the creator of Allie’s favorite bear, Winnie the Pooh.

  “If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever.”

  I lost it. My chest heaved up and down as I longed for the one thing I couldn’t have anymore. For the first time since we arrived at the permanent resting place of my little girl, I looked up into Stefan’s face. Since I awoke in the hospital, I didn’t know who he was. He had been distant and cold, never saying much and avoiding any physical contact with me. I had been respecting his demeanor, but this was different—I needed my husband.

  I needed my best friend.

  My hands reached out, circling around Stefan’s arm as my eyes bore a hole into the side of his head. Begging silently for him to look at me, to love me and hold me. Never in my life had I required his support and compassion more than in this moment. Yet now I could hardly believe this was the same man I had spent the last few years with. His head shifted ever so slightly while his blue eyes looked from the coffin to my pathetic expression. The blues of his eyes usually warmed my heart from the moment I saw them.

  Not this time. I had never seen a detached stare fill his eyes like this before. As much as I wanted to move away from this unnaturally cold version of my husband, I didn’t.

  I felt the tears escape the floodgates, but he remained unchanged and unmoving. Whenever I had cried in front of him before, he was always the first to wipe the tears away. This time he stared at me, blinked and averted his attention back to the Priest, as if he was nothing more than a stranger to the beautiful child about to be lowered into the ground. I buried my face into his chest and let out completely new sobs.

  In that moment, deep in my soul, I could feel that nothing would ever be the same. The Priest commenced his eulogy and said his goodbyes. My friends rubbed my back and said things to me that I didn’t hear. My family crushed my cold and hurting body into their chests, but I didn’t feel it. In my mind all I could feel were my hands firmly locked around Stefan’s arm. He didn’t move and I refused to let him go.

  Our loved ones were backing away to give us our last moments together as a family. What they didn’t know was I knew deep down that I was holding onto my family for dear life. The Stefan I knew would have had his arms around me from the moment I opened my eyes in the hospital. I would never have to cling to him as if the instant I let go he would disappear. Because I could sense the moment I released his arm that I’d be letting him go.

  “Stefan?” I choked out in a sob. My eyes once again locked on the side of his face, praying that he would come back to me.

  He looked my way, but honestly, I didn’t know if he was seeing me at all.

  “Stefan,” I said again. His mouth twitched slightly, but the rest of him remained stoic and unchanged.

  “Talk to me,” I whispered.

  I watched his blue eyes leave my face and lock onto my hands firmly secured around his arm.

  “I have to go,” was all he said.

  My head shook back and forth in confusion. “Why? What? Where are you going, Stefan?” I pleaded with him to talk to me, but still he said nothing.

  With his free hand, he carefully pried my hands from his arm and turned to walk away from me. I stood there. Not believing this was real. Not knowing what to do. Watching the man I loved with an undeniable passion walk away; heading deeper into a darkness I could only begin to understand.

  “Stefan,” I called out.

  He continued walking as he shoved his hands into the pockets of the black dress pants I bought for today. His head hung down but he refused to turn back to me.

  “STEFAN!” I screamed out to him. My chest began to heave; the contents of my stomach were on the verge of coming back up and all I could think to do was scream his name.

  “STEFAN!” I yelled so loudly it must have awoken the dead. Air escaped me, I pressed my hand against my heart, calling out to him again. “Stefan, please!”

  I sank to my knees; staring after the fading figure through the sheets of rain.

  My heart wept. “Come back to me.”

  “Baby…baby…” My body was shaking, and I could feel my chest constricting as I gasped for air. When my eyes sprung open I was back in the hospital, looking into Richard’s gentle eyes.

  “What?” I asked in a panic, sitting up far quicker than I should have.

  “You were just dreaming, baby,” Richard whispered, placing a kiss to my temple.

  I wished what I was just going through was nothing more than a dream. Unfortunately, the beads of sweat accumulating at the back of my neck and the sadness in my core said differently.

  “Yeah,” I responded, still trying to catch my breath.

  Richard smoothed the back of his hand along my cheek; my eyes closed at the gentleness of his touch. My arms lifted and wrapped around his shoulders as I finally felt the warmth I was craving from my memory. His fingers spread out against my back and rubbed in slow and steady circles. Finally, I felt my breathing calm into even breaths, and for the first time in a few days, I was relieved to know it was Richard’s arms holding me close.

  This was exactly what I needed; no drama, just pure, unquestionable love.

  “Grey, my darling, my shift is officially over. I need to go home and clean up, but I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be back within an hour.”

  The needy side of me was on the verge of asking him to stay here and not leave me alone, but I couldn’t. I saw the complete exhaustion in his eyes, so I sucked up my own pathetic need and decided it was now time to be the good fiancée. I pulled back and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

  “No, go home. Shower, eat, sleep and then you can come get me in the morning. Honest, baby, I promise you I will be just fine here. As soon as you leave I’m going to head back to sleep anyway.”

  “No Grey, I promise I’m not just going to leave you behind.”

  “You’re not, Richard. It isn’t as if you’re about to go out to a party, you’ve been working for the past thirty hours. Just go home, go to sleep, and if for some reason you aren’t awake at seven or eight in the morning, then that is okay too. You know Kacie is probably standing by the phone just in case I happen to need her.”

  Richard chuckled and nodded with a resigned sigh. “That girl loves you.”

  I gave a playful shrug. “Well good, because I love her. But I also love you and I absolutely want you to rest, honey.”

  “Are you sure? I’ll set the alarm for 7:00 and I’ll come back and get you, then we can sleep the day away. Especially since you can bet that I won’t let you out of my sight tomorrow.”

  My arms wound around his neck. “I’m okay with that.”

  With a final kiss goodbye Richard left. I curled into a ball and softly hummed a lullaby to myself, slowly lulling me back into a dreamless sleep.

  The next morning I was up by 7:15 and beyond ready
to go home. There were no missed calls or messages from Richard, other than letting me know he made it home safe very early this morning. I refused to call and wake him up to simply drive me home. Cabs worked perfectly well here, and I intended to utilize them this morning. Besides, there was one stop I had to make that I was not looking forward to, and it was going to be much easier to do alone.

  After I was dressed and freshened up, I made my way to the billing department. I knew I had insurance, but I definitely didn’t think it covered not only an overnight stay at the hospital but the ambulance ride. Being here was bad enough—I could only imagine what this was going to cost. It was also something I wanted to take care of without Richard knowing about. If he knew I didn’t have all that I owed, there was no doubt he would cover it. I didn’t want him to do that, though. This was my thing; Richard worked so incredibly hard and deserved to have his money saved for something that mattered to him.

  It also didn’t help that the reason I had incurred these fees was a direct result of my ex-husband.

  When I reached the billing department I was relieved to see a woman already sitting behind the desk, with no line waiting to speak with her. She smiled as I approached.

  “Hello! How can I help you?”

  “Hi, I actually have a question about what I owe after my insurance covers my hospital stay.”

  “Of course. Well, for starters, how long were you here?”

  “I stayed the night and had an ambulance ride in.” The woman, whose name I still hadn’t caught, jotted down a few notes, nodding as she did.

  “Okay, no problem, who is your insurance provider?”

  I fished around in my purse and dug out my insurance card for her. She looked at it and, after asking, made a copy for their records.