by Megan Noelle
“Is everything okay?” he asked as he approached. His hands reached out for me, and I was almost shocked at my response. My hands pushed his away as I stepped back away from him. Stefan’s eyebrows shot up with hurt and confusion.
“Grey?”
“How dare you come back into my life! I can’t believe I was letting you in again!”
“What is going on?” he asked in a panic as I pushed past him to pace in the middle of the room.
“You can’t just show up out of the blue and expect things to go back to the way they were! You have no right to be in my life anymore, Stefan!”
“Where is this coming from?” He tried to slow his voice to calm me, but I was far too heated to quiet down.
“I’ve finally woken up, Stefan! You abandoned me! When I needed you most, you left me there! Night after night I sat up waiting for you to get home. Waiting for things to get better but they never did! I was hurting too, but none of that ever mattered to you!”
“Okay, Grey, slow down. Please, let’s talk about this.” Slowly he closed the distance between us.
“No!” I screamed, shoving his chest back to keep the distance between us. “We had our time to talk and it has long since passed!”
“Greyson…”
“Stop it!” I couldn’t hear it; there was no way I was going to be able to hear him call me by my full name and survive this. “You’re not my husband anymore, Stefan! I don’t want you in my life, just the way you didn’t want me!”
“Greyson, I always wanted you! It wasn’t easy to say any of those words to you. I didn’t feel like I deserved you anymore. There was no way I could lay beside you in our bed after what happened. It was my fault that everything spiraled out of control!” I saw the fire behind his eyes; we were having the fight we needed to have six years ago.
But it was too late and now—there wouldn’t be a happy ending.
“You don’t think that hurt me!? Even your silence destroyed me, Stefan! You were my best friend, I needed you more than I needed air to breathe and you were just…gone! If you wanted me, you would have fought for me, Stefan! I wasn’t mad at you for the accident; I never blamed you for losing her! What I will never forgive you for is how you left me! I have never been more alone in my life and you didn’t care!”
I refused to hold back the tears this time; Amy always told me that there are times you need to feel everything about the moment. No matter how badly it hurt, I needed to feel it all.
Stefan reached out and took my arms in his grasp and pulled me against his chest. His grip was so strong I had no way to simply back away.
“I couldn’t fucking look at you, Greyson! It killed me! I saw what my silence was doing to you, but I couldn’t stop! I would never forgive myself for falling asleep that night and every time I looked at you I saw you lying in the hospital. The way you were so bruised and broken, the way you fell apart when they told you Allie was gone. I saw the way you hurt and all I could think of was how I was the one who fucking hurt you!”
“I needed you, Stefan!”
His eyes searched mine, the tears behind those impeccable blues weren’t going to stay at bay for long. “I wasn’t strong enough to be what you needed, Greyson Rose. I thought of nothing while I was drinking but how badly I needed you. So many times I wanted to grab you and hold onto you until the pain went away.”
“So why didn’t you?” I cried out. Every night I wished for just that reaction but received nothing.
“Because I couldn’t protect you! You and Allie were everything! I have never cared about anything the way I cared about you. When we lost her I felt that I was losing you too, and I convinced myself that was what I needed to do! I told myself I had to let you go.”
“I didn’t want you to let me go! I loved you Stefan, so much. But when you turned your back on me—I lost it all.”
“I can’t change what I did, but I can’t let you go again. You don’t understand how lost I’d be without you!”
“You haven’t had me since the day we lost her! Why would it matter now?”
Rage erupted in his eyes. “I always planned to come back for you. I was waiting for the moment when I could find you and prove that I was worthy of your love. I would have found you and asked you to marry me right then and there, but when I saw you walking down the street I couldn’t hide from my wrong doings any longer. That single moment awakened every feeling I had shoved aside and proved to me one thing—I can’t lose you, Grey!”
“You already let me go, Stefan! I’ve moved on! What we had was in the past—it’s over!”
“No, it isn’t!”
Suddenly his mouth was sealed over mine. My body melted, the beat of our hearts became in sync and no longer could I hear my own—just ours. Chills raced through my blood, a raging fire alit in my soul in a way I never imagined could happen. Our tears, our tongues, our lips—it was surreal. Nothing existed around us. The world swirled out of sight and all I felt was Stefan’s mouth and body against mine.
His fingers wrapped around my curls while my hands tightened around his arm. I couldn’t remember feeling more alive than I did right here in this moment.
Our lips broke apart and my fury was back. How dare he make me fall for him again! My hand released his arm and slapped hard across his face.
“You have no right to touch me!”
That didn’t stop him, as he took hold of my arms once more. “Yes! Hit me, punch me—do your worst, Greyson Rose, but don’t fucking leave. Don’t tell me I’ve lost you! Nothing about that kiss said we’re over, or that this is in the past. Please, Grey, please stay!”
“That kiss shouldn’t have happened, Stefan! We’re done and have been! Let it go!” He dropped to his knees and locked his hands around my wrists. I had never seen tears fall from his eyes like this before and I could feel his heart hurting as if it were my own.
“I can’t,” he whimpered out. “I can’t let you go, Greyson Rose. Please don’t walk away from me again.”
I wasn’t sure how I was still standing, but I knew I needed to leave before I lost all strength to move.
“I have to go, Stefan. You need to let me go—I’m going to marry Richard and I’m going to move on with my life.”
I pulled my wrists free from his grasp and turned away from him to leave the room.
“Greyson, please, don’t walk away from me again!”
I turned back to him, wiped the tears from my eyes and looked him dead in the eye. “You walked away from me long before I ever left you.”
I left the room, shut the door and before I could make it to the elevator I heard Stefan yell out, “Damnit!”
My hand covered my mouth to try and contain the chest heaving cries. I ran from the office out to my car and sped off toward the salon. The tears and heaves didn’t stop as I pulled up. I parked the car, ran in, and immediately was spotted by Kacie. She was in the middle of styling someone’s hair.
“Kari, please finish up here. I am so sorry about this, ma’am.” Thankfully the woman noticed me and wasn’t offended by the change of hands.
Kacie ran to me, tucked me into her side and walked us to the break room where I collapsed into a puddle of heartache and agony. I didn’t want to let him go for good, but sometimes, despite what may be in their hearts, some people just aren’t meant to be.
“Tell me what happened, Grey.” Kacie pleaded, softly rubbing a hand against my back.
I let the sobs escape without trying to stop them. If I didn’t let all the pain out—I would never move on, and it was time. Holding onto Stefan was the only way I thought I could survive but that wasn’t true. I have managed to make a pretty great life for myself and now it was time to start living it.
“It’s hard to explain.” I answered honestly.
She leaned her head closer to mine, “Try.”
I bit down onto my lip and tried to clear my throat from the tears that refused to cease.
Kacie brushed the hair behind my shoulders and squat
ted down in front of me so she could see into my face. “Just tell me if this is because of Richard or Stefan.”
I wiped my face on the tissue Kacie pulled from the front of her apron. “Stefan.”
Her face fell. “Grey, I understand anything involving Stefan is a very sensitive topic but I’m here. Keeping it all locked up can’t be good, and you know you can trust me.”
I nodded, leaning my head back to hopefully drain the tears from my system. “I know.”
“Good,” she rubbed my shoulders adding the comfort that I greatly needed. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I sniffled obnoxiously and my face scrunched up as round two of tears began. “I was in love with him.” I cried out, burying my hands in my face.
As they say, the truth will set you free. And I wanted nothing more than to be free of the hold Stefan Harrison has always had on my heart.
“I never wanted to let him go. I only wanted him to fight for me but he didn’t and now it’s too late.”
“Because of Richard?” Kacie asked in a soft, cautious tone.
I shook my head in my hands. “Because I can’t do that again.” My hands moved from my eyes to give me a full view of my best friend’s face. “No one could ever imagine how much I loved and depended on him. When we got married it was because we were each other’s next breath. I couldn’t go a single day without seeing him, holding him. Stefan was the love of my life and I knew it the first day I met him.”
“So, what happened?”
“He left me when I needed him the most. I have never felt more alone in my life. It didn’t matter that I still saw him every day—the man I fell in love with was gone. I already mourned losing him and I won’t put my heart through that again.”
“Oh Grey,” Kacie threw her arms around me and squeezed me tight. “You deserve happiness. I obviously didn’t know your past with Stefan but I do know that you are completely right—you can’t go through that again. You have a wonderful man and great friends. So, as difficult as this may sound now—you will overcome this.”
My arms hugged her waist tighter. All along I had believed my only way to move forward was to hide the past from everyone—myself included. But having Kacie supporting me was something I wished I had since the day I met her.
“Thank you, Kace.” I whispered out, as the last of my tears fell from my eyes.
The day passed in a way I had never imagined it could—well. It wasn’t the easiest putting the past in the past, but I managed. I smiled wide and did fantastic hair, trying with all my heart to move forward. Kari and the other stylists knew something had been horribly wrong this morning, yet said nothing about it. They, for my sake, acted as if I hadn’t walked in looking like a hot mess. We spent the day joking around with one another and even our clients seemed to greatly enjoy themselves. Every now and then throughout the day Kacie would give me a questioning look, checking in on me. I would always give her a bright smile and a nod, assuring her that I really was holding it together. It made me love her even more and seeing all the love surrounding me, it made me truly believe that I could let go of the past and survive.
Since I had missed numerous Mondays and came in late this morning, I decided to stay until the salon closed. I wanted to give Kacie and Kari a chance to go home early and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate the distractions. My overall demeanor felt okay but I knew underneath it all I was still raw. Tyler was one of the other salon closers with me and invited me out for drinks, but as much as I wanted to not be alone, liquor was not wise. I hated thinking about going home to an empty house since Richard was working another 30-hour shift, but I didn’t want to go to the bar. When I got into my car I came up with the perfect way to spend the rest of the evening.
I flipped open my phone, checking messages before I drove off, and to let Richard know where I was headed. Before I read my unread texts I composed a new one to Richard.
Me: Hey Baby, I miss you! I just got off work and I’m going to go see my brother for a bit before going home.
Immediately I felt better, this was the way it should feel to be a good fiancée. I liked knowing Richard wouldn’t have to spend another night worrying about where I might be. Before I pulled out of my parking spot I took a deep breath and checked my inbox. There were a few unread but not a single one from Stefan, maybe this really was over after all. While I was staring at my messages a new one came in from Richard.
RM: Thanks for letting me know, Darling. I miss you too, I’ll try to call you when I get a break. Love you!
With a smile I put my phone away and drove to Jayden and Cara’s house. When I knocked on the door Jayden answered a minute later, looking like he was about to punch someone. The look faded when he saw me smiling.
“Hey Grey, what are you doing here?
“What was that look about?” I asked with a laugh.
He shrugged. “Its 8:00 at night and someone’s knocking on my door. Most of the time whoever’s here at this time isn’t welcome.”
“I hope I’m the exception!” I said hopefully, as if he would ever be able to turn me away.
“Always! Now what’s going on; is everything okay?”
My head bobbed with a smile. “I did it.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You…?”
“I said goodbye.”
His jaw dropped, “You did?” I nodded again with extra enthusiasm, now that I could feel my brother’s pride for me. “Well, that’s a horse of a different color, come on in!”
I couldn’t help but laugh as he quoted our favorite childhood movie, Wizard of Oz. As soon as I stepped over the threshold he pulled me in for a squeeze that rivaled Kacie’s. A sigh of relief sounded in my ear, “I know that couldn’t have been easy, Grey, but I am so proud of you.”
I didn’t respond; I just let the silence of the moment do the talking.
“Well come on in! We’ve already finished dinner but Cara always makes enough for a damn dinner party so there is plenty leftover.”
“I’d love whatever she made—I’m starving! But first, I want to see my niece!”
Jayden pointed to their family room; Cara was sitting on the floor with her legs spread out, Lily lying on the carpet in-between. Lily was only two months old but had enough toys to last her until she was five. To say this little girl was already daddy’s princess was a complete understatement.
“Grey!” Cara exclaimed. “I didn’t know you were coming over tonight!”
Cara and my brother met seven years ago at the wedding receptionist for me and Stefan. She was working as the bartender and my brother spent more time talking to her than he did anything else. At one point I had to write his number down on a napkin and give it to her, just so I could steal my brother back for a dance. The two of them hadn’t always had the easiest time, splitting up constantly but it was never for long. I knew they would find their way back to each other—they just needed to wait for the fate to bring them back together.
The last time they broke up it lasted for less than a day. Jayden had been tired of wasting time and went out and got a wedding ring. While Cara had taken a test and found out that same day she was pregnant. I was happy to officially have Cara as my sister-in-law; she was a great person with a beautiful soul. She was the perfect match for my brother in every way.
I sat next to her giving her a one-armed hug. “It wasn’t planned, but Richard’s at the hospital and I haven’t seen my sweet Lily for a while.”
“She is all yours.” Cara said with a smile.
No one had to tell me twice, Cara moved out of the way as I leaned my face over Lily’s. I was instantly greeted with a big beautiful toothless smile. Lily had rosy checks, Cara’s big emerald eyes and Jayden’s goofy personality. When I found out Cara was pregnant an insane feeling of jealousy took over. I got mad that my brother was going to have a new little baby to love and care for—when mine was taken away.
Jayden asked me how I felt about it at one point but after I gave my most convincing, I
’m fine, he never asked again. The only other person I had felt I could talk to about my deepest feelings of sorrow had been Amy. During that period of time our appointments were doubled up as I struggled to gain acceptance. Eventually, I was able to put aside my jealous emotions and be truly happy for them.
Lily was an incredibly sweet baby and I loved her with all my heart. There were even times when I saw similar qualities that were in my Allie and it became a beautiful reminder of my own precious girl.
“How have you been?” I asked Cara, as I cradled Lily in my arms. My hand smoothed down the little hairs at the top of her hair.
“Ugh,” she grunted. “I’ve been well, I just started working again and I hate being there. Lily’s doing well in daycare and everything, but I miss her so much.”
“I’ll bet that’s really hard to handle.”
“Oh, it is, how did you manage it?” The second the words left her mouth I could see she caught her mistake. I understood that as a mother, it is always nice talking to other moms about what they did. Cara was very well aware of my preference to never discuss Allie, Stefan, or anything during those years of my life.
Her hand reached out to touch my shoulder. “Oh, Grey, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that, it just slipped out.” I waved her mistake off.
“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. I actually never had to worry about that. At the time Stefan was making decent money at his job and my parents were helping me out. It allowed me to just stay home with her.”
“That’s very fortunate.” Cara smiled, but I didn’t miss the way her eyes flickered to Jayden on the couch.
It wasn’t normal for me to speak candidly about any of this. If Cara wasn’t concerned before, I could see in her forced smile that she was now.
“Still interested in something to eat?” Jayden asked, I’m sure as a way to divert the conversation.
“Oh yes! We have tons of food if you’re hungry!” Cara added with a smile.
“I am,” I replied.