A Broken Forever

by Megan Noelle

  “When I left, I drove home and went on a rant to Cara. I told her I couldn’t believe you were still talking to him. That you were such a sucker, and I honestly couldn’t justify what you were doing. I was furious at him for not just staying away, and I was pissed at you for letting him back in.”

  I gulped back the knot in my throat.

  “But, Cara said something to me that I had never once considered. As your brother I want nothing but happiness for you, and I want to protect you from everything. Even if that means protecting you from your own heart. I saw the way he broke you and left you when you needed him the most. In my mind, he is complete trash and I have always believed that you should think so too. At least, before Cara talked some sense into me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Cara said that I need to back off and at first it made me even more infuriated. But, she saw the way you two were before the accident. I mean, Christmas Eve she was at that party. I still remember after you all left and before we got that horrible call; she had said that one day she hoped we would have a love like yours. Looking at you, she said she could just feel the strength and truth of your passion for one another. When I was fighting with her about how you needed to move on, she reminded me of something. I remember how he hurt you, how he left you and how broken you were over him. But you are filled with the good and the bad memories. No doubt, you haven’t forgotten the pain, but you also remember the way you loved him.”

  My eyes squeezed shut, a single tear slid out.

  “When she told me that I slowly started to recall how you were. Grey, I wanted you two to last. Until that accident, he was the only man in this world I could see loving and cherishing you the way you deserved. You’ve been through something that no other person would understand. You’re not the first person to lose a child, but that was your baby girl. Stefan can give you the comfort that no one else could. And while I want you to protect your heart, I now think it was unrealistic of me to expect you to never allow him into your world.”

  Jayden’s hands cupped my face, wiped away the tear and turned me to face him. “You’re getting married to Richard, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be scared. You and Stefan got a divorce, but if what happened wouldn’t have…I have no doubt you’d still be together. No matter how much you love Richard, it has to be difficult to plan this wedding with a constant cheery disposition. I just want you to know that it is okay to hurt, but don’t let the past haunt you. You’re too good of a person to have a tortured soul all the days of your life.”

  A wave of tears rushed out, but thankfully Jayden pulled me into a hug before I crumbled to the ground. The sleeve of his shirt muffled my sobs as my heart cried out. It had been something I never wanted to really think about, but Jayden was absolutely right. If that accident hadn’t happened Allie, Stefan, and I would be the family we were meant to be.

  Marriage is meant to symbolize the beginning of a new life. This wedding however, would symbolize the end of a life I wished I had never lost.

  Time passed.

  Wedding plans were in full bloom but slowly my heart bowed out. Richard and I continued to mark down things on our calendar, but the time we spent together wasn’t as special as the weeks prior. The two of us would go with my mother to cake tastings, meet with the caterer and tried finding a wedding band. Richard and Leeann were incredibly involved, opinionated and most importantly, they were excited. I had tried acting as enthusiastic as they were about everything, but progressively I became more of a silent participant. Tasting the cake, listening to the music, and nodding when necessary. It was impossible to deny that something was off.

  Even my presence at the salon was different. Every single day I was supposed to be there, I was. Yet, it was without the enjoyment of before. Soon people soon treating me as if I were some delicate glass that would shatter at any moment. Truthfully, I even believed that I was hanging onto my control by a single thread. Desperately, I wanted to get over the current funk holding me hostage, but as the month of June was coming to a close, I knew it wouldn’t get better.

  The morning of June 28th I sent a text to Kacie; reminding her I would be unreachable the rest of the day. Richard was off to another 30-hour shift, and I made sure he knew I would have meetings all day and would call when I could.

  Thick gray clouds hung in the sky, wind whistled through the trees, and any minute it looked like it would downpour. Getting ready to leave the house I put in just a little extra effort to look nice. Black pants, white fitted tank top that I clipped a pink rose to, and a jacket to prepare for the rain. It was a routine I had every year on this day, nice clothes, pink rose and some sort of gift. This year there was nothing store bought I wanted to take with. This time I had something far more special.

  Before grabbing the gift I checked my phone one last time before powering it down for the day, as I had every year before. A single text from Jayden awaited me.

  Jayden Desmond: Thinking of you and that sweet little niece of mine today. Call if you need me. Love you!

  Jayden’s constant love and support was seriously a blessing in my life. This day was the hardest day I had every year. No matter how much I knew I wanted to be alone, knowing I had him there made my nerves settle. Choking back tears I shut off my phone, before making my way to the back of my locked file cabinet. Taking out the little box that held Ray Ray I kept the lid closed and pulled him into my arms. A heavy sigh exhaled from my chest.

  Would this day ever get any easier?

  Each year I tried to bring something special but there was nothing more special to my Allie than this. It wasn’t just giving her Ray Ray, I would finally be able to tell my little girl that I wasn’t afraid of the memories anymore. There would never be anything more meaningful I could give Allie than that.

  Driving to the cemetery I left the radio off, as I tried to focus on nothing other than my promise to make Allie’s day wonderful. It was never easy but every other day of the year I was devastated about losing her. This one had to be different.

  I knew exactly which part of the cemetery to go to and how far up the hill she was. I had purposely chosen a resting site underneath a tree. This way she would always be able to look up through the branches while the shade keep her cool. With the box clutched against my heart I walked with shaky knees to see my little angel. The wind whipped through my hair covering my face, sending a chill down my spine. A single gust seemed to wrap around my body, pulling me with all it’s might toward Allie’s grave. My legs responded to the pull but suddenly stopped.

  Crouched down over Allie’s tombstone, tears streaking down his face, was Stefan. Never had I seen him here before and I never expected to either. He must have sensed eyes on him all of a sudden as he turned my way and swiftly got to his feet.

  “Stefan? What are you doing here?”

  He shrugged his shoulders, wiping a sleeve under his misty eyes. “Came to say happy birthday to my daughter.” My heart clenched, and the tears I had been determined to hold back were beginning to well up behind my eyes.

  “What made you come right now? I mean, is this the first time you’ve ever been here?”

  He shook his head and crouched back down, placing a hand on the gravestone. “I’ve been here many times before, I usually come the day after her birthday.”

  It was wrong to question him further, we were both here to grieve. I needed to simply accept that. But there were so many more things I wanted to ask.

  “Why the day after?”

  Without looking at me, he responded. “Because, when I come here to see her I am an absolute wreck. And I’ve always worried about running into you.”

  His eyes shifted toward me to gauge my reaction. “Why?” A stinging sensation ran through my lungs as I inhaled the instant wave of dejection at his words.

  “When I told you I had spent every day missing and thinking about you—it was true. There were many times I just prayed I’d run into you. Then I would know it was fate’s sign that I neede
d to take back all that I’d lost. It took me a long time to work up the courage to come back here. Two years after we buried her was the first time. I ended up coming on her birthday, but stopped in the parking lot. If I would have walked up that hill and seen you, I don’t know what would have happened. I needed to come when I could just be alone.” He ran his fingers through the luscious grass, almost as if he were smoothing down her hair. “There were so many things I had to say to her.”

  Hastily wiping away the fallen tears, I stepped closer to him. “Do you come every year?”

  He nodded again. Keeping his eyes locked firmly on the ground in front of him.

  “I do, sometimes more than once. I had planned on coming tomorrow but I was in my car driving to clear my head, and somehow ended up here. It was almost like I let go of the wheel and this was where she brought me. I thought about turning away, but I couldn’t just leave.”

  I placed the box from my hands to grass growing in front of the gravestone. Carefully I pressed a hand into Stefan’s shoulder. For years I wondered if he thought about her, and now I had my answer. As much as it hurt to see the way Stefan was breaking, I wished I had seen it sooner. When we first said our goodbye to her, I had been desperate for this Stefan. I needed to see him, which was the only hope we had of healing—if we did it together. Even now I felt in my core, we were holding onto all the same heartache and guilt.

  “Does anyone in your life know about her?” The question was meant to say in my thoughts, but it escaped before I had the chance to stop it.

  Stefan just shook his head, looking over his shoulder at me. “Not a single person that didn’t know her when she was still…here.” He choked out. “Have you told anyone?”

  My fingers curling into the shoulder of his jacket. I focused my gaze directly on his. “No one.”

  “Not even your fiancé?”

  I shook my head. “I always say I’ll tell him, but I haven’t. She was our little girl and I’m terribly selfish. I don’t want to share her memory with anyone else because I’m—“ the words cracked as the barrier of tears broke free. Stefan stayed where he was, but placed his hand securely over mine. It was as if that single touch filled me with the strength to continue. “Because I’m afraid that if I share her, I’ll forget.”

  “That will never happen, Greyson Rose. You loved her from the bottom of your heart and that hasn’t changed.”

  Through blurred eyes I found the truth and compassion of all his words in the familiar curves of his face.

  “Why did it take you so long to come back?” He broke eye contact, and looked back toward the ground. Instantly I knew there was more behind the answer than I had initially anticipated. It was my turn to provide him with the support he gave me. Releasing the hold he had on my fingers, I gently rubbed the tension from his shoulder blades. His stiff posture began to weaken and I could feel him warming to all the comfort I was trying to grant.

  “After we signed the divorce papers I lost myself. I didn’t know the month, the day, or when the next morning began. All I did was drink to survive. I hated it, but the second my buzz left all I saw were flashes of the things I couldn’t bear to see. Tears streaming down your face. Those headlights blinding me. And the sight of our little girl, dead in the backseat.” His head fell forward. A silent sob shook his body but I could feel the determination he had to get all of his story out.

  “I couldn’t bear to relive it over again, and eventually I started forgetting. I was no longer myself but all those tragic thoughts were gone. I did things I will never be proud of. At the time, that was all I thought I could to do for survival. Eventually I took control of my life, stopped drinking and started handling the way I felt. I wanted to see her, but I couldn’t. She was up there, watching over me all because I took her life. Then there I was, fucking up my own. How was I supposed to face her? The daddy she knew died that night. Instead of looking at the life I still had as a blessing, I treated it like a damn burden. I took the life away from my perfect little girl. How would she ever forgive me for that?”

  Every fragment of my soul was shattering. Stefan had never let go of the guilt of being behind the wheel and that had been the driving force that had taken my husband away.

  “You feel guilty?” I needed to hear the confirmation from him. There wasn’t a shred of doubt that whatever answer he gave would be from the darkest hollows in his heart. I yearned for his trust. I knew there would be no other way for us to breathe in the fresh air. No other way to truly cleanse the wounds of our past.

  “How could I not? I fell asleep behind the wheel. I got us into that accident. I killed my daughter, and I damn near lost my wife too. But I was there when the screeching stopped, screaming for you and begging her to open her eyes. I promised to always protect you both, and it was because of me that all of that happened. It was my fault that we lost it all.”

  I forced myself to hold back the intense need to curl into a ball and cry until there wasn’t a single tear left in my body. This was not the time for my weakness to surface. I had to be strong, for Stefan.

  “Stefan, look at me.” He turned his head over his shoulder. I couldn’t help but notice that his self-control was at its limit. Eyes red, lip quivering, it was heartbreaking to see but I refused to look away. He had to hear me and know what I had to say was from my heart.

  “I have never blamed you for that accident. You were behind the wheel, but I could have made us stay at that house. I wanted to wake up Christmas morning in our own home too, and that’s why I stopped protesting. We survived that wreck and as much as I hate to think it, Allie dying happened for a reason. Maybe there were bigger things she was needed for as a guardian angel.”

  I paused and watched a lone tear glide down his face.

  Looking him square in the eye I said the one thing I needed him to hear. “It was not your fault.”

  Before I realized what was happening, Stefan was on his feet and clutching me in his arms. My body shook as his sobs broke free and finally, so did mine. Enclosing my arms around his neck and burying my face in his chest, I let out everything. The wind thrashed around us. A few raindrops broke free from the threatening clouds above. It didn’t matter though, nothing was going to tear this moment away from us. It had been seven years since the accident and seven years since we connected on the level we once knew.

  The year after we lost Allie, the therapy we had tried, signing the divorce papers, and building separate lives. None of it had been as cathartic as the two of us holding each other while we cried. This was the Stefan that had stolen my heart and the one I always wished would come back someday. His arms were my safety and mine were his. No one had ever needed another, the way we needed each other. Our hearts beat as one as our souls unified together. For the first time since opening my eyes in that hospital, I felt whole.

  Tranquility gradually washed over me. From the way Stefan’s soundless sobs eased, I could tell it calmed him as well.

  He moved slightly away to look down into my face, keeping his arms securely circled around me.

  “You will never know how much I needed to hear you say that.” He whispered in a husky tone that was laced with the remaining tears.

  “I do, Stefan. Because I’ve needed this moment just as much.”

  His hands left my back and delicately formed around my face. Lowering his lips to my forehead, I breathed out a sigh, letting all the emotional burden finally faded away. Keeping my face between his hands he pulled back, letting our eyes lock onto one another.

  “I am so sorry that I was never the strength you needed. But, I am even more sorry that I ever let you go.”

  Hearing those words leave his mouth hit my core with a force I never imagined. As much as I loved it, all I could think was that he had let me go. And now, I belonged to someone else.

  Standing on my toes I placed a kiss against his cheek and gave one final hug. We both pulled away and Stefan pointed to the box I placed on the ground.

  “What’d you
bring?”

  I smiled, finally understanding why it had finally seemed time to bring something so personal.

  “Every year I bring Allie a gift. Something told me that this was the year I should bring it.” I scooped up the box, placing it in Stefan’s hands. He seemed puzzled as he examined it without taking off the lid to see its contents. “I thought it was for her, but now I realized, that she wanted me to give it to you.”

  “Me?”

  I nodded, smiling as he slowly drew back the lid. The instant he identified it, I knew. His mouth gaped open slightly, his eyes darting toward mine.

  “Is this…?”

  “Yeah, it’s Ray Ray.”

  Cautiously, he lifted Allie’s bunny from the box, taking just a few moments to stare at it. His head shook as he exhaled a deep pent up breath.

  “I didn’t know you took him. After you ran out that night, I looked around for him. In your room, hers, the hallway. I really didn’t want to lose him.”

  “I needed something and besides clothes, that was all I took.”

  He looked from the bunny up to me. “You’re giving him to me?”

  “Yes, I’ve had it all these years. I think you need it now. Allie would want you to have it.”

  “Thank you, Grey.” Tears welled up in his eyes again but never fell. “Want to hang around here for a bit with me?”

  I didn’t need to know why, because there was nowhere else I would have rather been.

  “Absolutely.”

  Hours passed and we stayed at Allie’s grave, talking and laughing. The tears had subsided and the broken souls that ruled us finally seemed to mend. We spent the afternoon remembering the good times, the funny moments, and everything that made us the couple we were. It was exactly what we needed, and in my heart I knew this was the best birthday Allie had ever had.

  When it was time to go we walked together to the parking lot, and when Stefan pulled me in for a hug I realized something.

  “Stef?”

  “Hmm?” He mumbled out, one arm around my back and the other smoothing down the back of my hair.