She caught me so off guard, she nearly drove me back a step. “I . . .”
“No, I’m not one of those gold-star lesbians who’s never tainted myself with a man. Yes, I am attracted to men. And yes, if I’m not exclusive with a woman, and I’m attracted to a man”—she gestured toward the set where she and Daniel had been flirting—“I will talk to him, and I might even flirt with him. Who knows? Maybe he’ll think I’m good enough for an exclusive relationship.”
My breath hitched as if she’d hit me in the chest.
Before I could respond, she narrowed her eyes. “You can’t have it both ways, Anna. If I’m not good enough to really date because I’m attracted to men, then you don’t get any say over who I flirt with or who I fuck. So back off.”
I gritted my teeth. “If you’d rather be with him, then—”
“I never said I’d rather be with anyone,” she snapped. “What the hell is the problem? You didn’t want a relationship. Then you did, but you made it quite clear you saw this as something less than what you’d have with a real lesbian.” She waved a hand toward the set. “Then I flirt with a man, and suddenly—”
“So you were flirting?”
“Is that a problem?”
I swallowed. Yeah. Yeah, it was a problem. But how was I supposed to explain it?
“What about the men on the beach?” I asked. “You—”
“For God’s sake.” She clicked her tongue. “You probably wouldn’t have even noticed if I’d been flirting with a woman. In fact, you haven’t noticed when I’ve flirted with women.”
“You . . . what?”
One eyebrow arched. “My point exactly.”
“No, I didn’t notice.”
“So this is because he’s a man, isn’t it?” she pressed. “Admit it, Anna.”
I exhaled. “What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me what the fuck you think this is. Because one minute I’m not worthy of being exclusive, and the next, you’re getting jealous because I have the audacity to look at someone else.”
Except I just figured out how I feel about you yesterday. I haven’t even had a chance to—
She stabbed a finger at me. “I want you to admit that this isn’t about me flirting with someone, it’s about me flirting with a man. And—”
“Yes, okay?” I threw up my hands, my chest on the verge of exploding with frustration. “It’s exactly what we talked about when we first started doing this. That I can’t compete with—”
“With what? His dick?” She rolled her eyes again. “For God’s sake, get over this obsession with penises. For a bunch of women who claim they don’t like penises, lesbians certainly do think about them more than—”
“It’s not just about penises,” I growled.
Natalya sighed impatiently. “Then what is it about?”
It’s about me not knowing how to tell you that I want you and only you.
And how the hell am I supposed to reconcile that with the fact that you want more than I can give?
I took a deep breath. “You can choose between a straight relationship and a queer one. I can’t.”
“So what? I’m still queer.”
“Yeah, you are,” I said. “But do you know what it’s like to have your entire sexuality be seen as an affront to men? For men to tell you that you just need to be fucked by the right man to realize you’re straight?”
Natalya folded her arms tightly beneath her breasts. “Do you really want to go there with me?”
I swallowed. “Try me.”
She set her jaw. “When I have sex with a man, lesbians look down their fucking noses at me. Because I’m just taking the easy way. I’m not really queer. I’m no different than a straight girl.” Eyes narrowing, she lowered her voice. “And then when I want to be with a woman, suddenly all the lesbians turn up their noses at me because I dare to be attracted to men, but the straight men also get pissed off at me. Because I’m bisexual, so I’m supposed to be a whore. I’m supposed to fuck anyone. I’m not rejecting all men, I’m rejecting that man specifically.”
My breath stuck in my throat. Her words bounced around in my mind, and I struggled to make sense of everything she was saying. I hadn’t thought of—
“I can’t win, Anna,” she spat. “Not with women. Not with men. Not with you. Everyone I touch is a statement about everyone I’m not touching. Men threaten me with corrective rape, and women turn their backs on me. You turned your back on me. And you have the brass fucking balls to think you have the monopoly on being judged and threatened because of your sexuality?”
“I—”
“Do you know how much shit I’ve caught for being bi?” She scowled. “Do you know what it’s like for a woman to say I’m disgusting and untouchable because I’ve had a dick inside me before?”
I coughed to get my breath going. “Actually, I do. I—”
“Yeah? Bet you’ve never had a women tell you she couldn’t be with someone who had the best of both worlds.” Lips curling in disgust, Natalya snorted. “Please. I come from a country where people like us”—she gestured at each of us—“are treated like garbage, and there’s no protection for us. One of the boys I trained with was beaten and thrown into the Volga.”
My breath hitched. “My God. Was he—”
“You don’t survive being thrown into a river in Russia in February.”
I swallowed.
She stared me down. “So don’t you dare tell me I’ve got it better than a lesbian or a gay man.”
“Like it or not, you do have it better in this country, Natalya,” I snapped. “Men . . . I mean, men have a hell of a lot more power than women. You’re with a man, some of that power transfers to you, and . . . and that means—”
“Oh for fuck’s sake. This coming from the woman who’s been producing and directing one of the most successful TV shows in the last decade.” She gestured sharply toward the set. “You’re one of the most powerful people in this town, and you want me to believe that me being with a man means transferring—”
“I have plenty of power here, but the minute we’re out on the street, I’m no different than any other woman. I mean, does it ever occur to you that dating a woman is a lot harder than dating a man? People expect to see us with men. Seeing two women together is—”
“Of course I know it’s harder being with a woman!” she shouted. “People are assholes!”
I resisted the urge to glance outside and make sure we hadn’t drawn a crowd.
Then Natalya exhaled, and when she spoke again, she sounded more exhausted than angry, like she’d blown all her energy and now struggled to get the words out at all. “Dating a black man a few years ago got me dirty looks and bullshit from people too. It was still better being with him than it was with Tommy. Tommy was a straight white guy, so he was exactly what everyone thought I should be with, but he was also the biggest douche bag I’ve ever dated in my life. I’ve never been with anyone who could make me feel worse about myself in more ways than he could.” She folded her arms tightly beneath her breasts. “Tell me again how it’s ‘easier’ to be with him.”
I held her gaze, but couldn’t put the words in order.
“I didn’t think so,” she growled. “I’ve done nothing wrong, Anna. Maybe you should stick to dating lesbians. At least then you’re only possessive when they speak to members of half the fucking population.”
“I’m not poss—”
“Enough.” She put up both hands. After a moment, she slowly lowered them, all the while glaring at me. “I’m not going to argue about this. You can make all the excuses you want, but at the end of the day, it’s nothing but bullshit, and you know it. If you don’t want to date me, fine.” She laughed bitterly. “I’m sure as hell not going to argue with you. But don’t blame this on who I am. I can’t control it or change it any more than you can, but at least I can choose to see past my own damned insecurity enough to trust a person instead of distrusting her sexuality.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but Natalya wasn’t done.
“You know what?” She gave another harsh, bitter laugh. “I don’t know why I’m bothering, because I’m pretty sure the only one who lives up to your own stupid standards is you. None of the rest of us will ever be good enough because we dare look at other people. Or whatever other bullshit reason you dream up.” She narrowed her eyes. “So why don’t you do all of us a favor and go fuck yourself?”
With that, she turned on her heel and stormed out.
The door slammed behind her, rattling the whole building.
Arms folded, teeth clenched, I glared at the door. She just didn’t get it.
But what if she’s—
How could she not see that being with a woman who was attracted to men and women was not an easy thing?
But everything people have done to her in the—
And how it didn’t help matters when she flirted with men while dating a woman?
But—
But if she didn’t want to listen, then . . . fine. If that’s how she wanted it, then . . .
Fine.
So that was that. It was done. And, thank God, it had all blown up before I had a chance to make an idiot of myself and tell Natalya what I felt.
Jesus, how could I have been so stupid? I’d balked at dating her because I knew this would happen. That just when I got in too deep, that would be the moment a man turned her head. I had, and he had, and here we were. Awesome.
I threw myself into my work. There wasn’t much else I could do. I was directing again. The studio was piling more and more crap on my desk. Finn was being . . . Finn. So I worked, and I tried not to think about Natalya, or look at her, or . . .
Yeah, right.
We couldn’t avoid each other. Not when I was directing an episode full of major stunts.
More than all the other bullshit, putting on a professional front around Natalya was exhausting. It was hard as hell, but I played the consummate professional. So did she. Neither of us could get away with open contempt like the male crew members could. We’d be branded bitches who were impossible to work with, and that wasn’t a reputation any woman in show business needed. Not that either of us needed any more pressure or stress right now.
In my office one night—or was it morning?—I sank into a chair and rubbed my temples. I needed some time off. Maybe a day or two to go hiking in the Olympics. Those forests were so thick and quiet, they made me feel like I was millions of miles away from Bluewater Bay. And that was where I needed to be. Somewhere other than here. Somewhere far from here.
Somewhere far from her.
But there were episodes to film and meetings to endure. Calling in sick or taking off on a moment’s notice weren’t options. Our hours were long enough these days that the studio had finally conceded and brought in a second bodyguard so Jeremy had some time off. Which was good—his son was coming into town soon for the summer, and God knew those two needed to spend some quality time together.
Meanwhile, I had an episode to direct. And another to block. And three or four scripts to approve. And meetings with . . . fuck, everyone.
I threw back a couple of ibuprofen, hoping they’d take the edge off the headache and millions of other aches in body parts I’d forgotten I had. Maybe blowing off this much steam at the gym had been a bad idea. Probably was. Especially since it hadn’t done a damn thing except make me hurt all over.
Then I went back to the soundstage. Jeremy followed and didn’t say anything. He’d stayed pretty quiet the last few days. He probably knew what was going on and knew better than to ask about it while I was being run so ragged by my job. That, or he was worried about his kid coming to visit. For both their sakes, I hoped their summer went better than mine promised to.
I’d barely set foot inside the soundstage before Levi pulled me aside.
“Hey.” His eyes darted back and forth. “Can we, um, talk for a few minutes?”
Jesus H. Christ. Now what?
“Sure. Yeah.” I exhaled. “Come on. Let’s go to my office before Finn or someone else wants to talk to me.”
We left the soundstage. Jeremy followed us, of course.
I keyed us into my office and gestured for Levi to go ahead. Then Jeremy and I met each other’s gaze, and he raised his eyebrows.
“I’ll be fine,” I said quietly.
He hesitated, but nodded. He probably knew better than anyone that things were least likely to get out of control when I was alone with Levi. Right about now, a behind-closed-doors meeting with Finn would likely end in bloodshed.
So while Jeremy waited outside, I shut the door and faced Levi. “All right. We’re here. What’s up?”
I thought he might take a seat and get comfortable, but he stayed standing. As he turned around, he folded his arms across his chest, and light glinted off his plain gold wedding ring. “You tell me.”
“Huh? You said—”
“Mm-hmm. We need to talk about you.”
“But . . . you . . .”
“I know you, and I knew if I asked, you’d say you were fine and you were busy.” He waved a hand. “So now that you’re not busy, let’s cut to the chase. You’re not fine.” He arched an eyebrow. “What’s going on?”
I glared at him. Son of a bitch. “Nothing, okay?”
“Right.”
My stomach fell to my feet. There was no getting anything past Levi, but I was hurting way too much to talk about this with him or anyone else. I just wanted to curl up under my desk and cry.
“Look.” He held my gaze. “Everybody’s already scared of Natalya. Having the two of you at each other’s throats isn’t doing much for morale.”
I laughed humorlessly, lowering my eyes and warning myself not to tear up. “Sorry.”
“I’m pretty sure Ginsberg thinks she’s going to dangle him from a building or something just to blow off steam.” Levi touched my arm. “So, what’s going on between you two?”
“Nothing.”
He shot me a don’t-fucking-lie-to-me glare. “Do I look stupid?”
I put up my hands. “Nothing’s going on now. There . . . there was something. But it’s over.”
“Mm-hmm. A few days ago, you were dancing with her at my wedding, looking happier than I’ve ever seen you. And now it’s over?” He tilted his head. “What happened?”
Blowing out a breath, I slouched against my desk. I told him the whole story, from our first hiccup-breakup to the aftermath of her flirting with Daniel.
When I was done, I was even more exhausted. I ran a tired hand through my hair. “So, that’s that. I knew I couldn’t deal with dating a bi woman, and then I tried to, and it blew up in my face.” I sat on the edge of my desk, folded my hands in my lap, and shrugged, wondering when my shoulders had gotten so heavy. “Not sure what else I can say.”
“I see.” He studied me for a moment. “You know, they say when the student is ready, the master will appear. I’m starting to believe that when someone draws a line they won’t cross in a relationship, the love of their life will appear on the other side of that line.”
I glared at him. “You been talking to Jeremy?” I gestured at the door dividing us from my ever-present bodyguard.
Levi shook his head. “Why? Did he say the same thing?”
“Pretty close, yeah.”
“So you’ve heard it from two people. Have you thought that maybe we’re right?”
I tightened my arms across my chest. “So what am I supposed to do? Compromise on something that bothers me that much?”
“Well, why does it bother you so much?”
“Why shouldn’t it?” I threw up my hands, groaning with exasperation. “I told you, every damn bi woman out there eventually winds up with a man.”
His eyebrow arched. “Every one of them?”
I scowled, teeth clenched with frustration. “Every one I’ve ever known.”
Levi inclined his head. “So, you’re saying you’re not attracted to any oth
er women while you’re in a relationship.”
“What? Of course I am.” Still sitting against my desk, I fidgeted uncomfortably. ”Aren’t you still attracted to other men while you’re with Carter?”
“That’s exactly my point. We’re all still attracted to people even when we’re with someone else. It’s human nature. You just can’t stand that Natalya is still attracted to people you can’t compete with.”
We locked eyes.
Then he chuckled softly. Cautiously. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this day.”
“What day?” I gripped the edge of my desk with both hands. I’m so going to smack you, asshole. “What are you talking about?”
He smiled. “Today’s the day I get to return the favor after all the times you’ve told me to pull my head out of my ass before I fucked up a relationship beyond repair.”
I glared at him. “Be serious, Levi.”
“I am, actually.” He stepped closer and put a hand on my shoulder. Speaking softly now, he said, “I saw you two at the wedding. I saw you with little hearts floating above your head. You can play tough and dismissive and tell me all day long that you don’t want to be with her because she’s bisexual, but I’m not buying it. I know you, and I know this is tearing you up.” He squeezed gently, looking right in my eyes. “And we both know that it’s up to you to fix it, or you’re going to regret losing her for the rest of your life.”
“We’re not right for each other.” My voice sounded pitiful and shaky. I tried to emphasize my indifference with a shrug, but my shoulders were heavy, and not just because Levi’s hand was still there. “I’m gay. She’s bi. It’s—”
“Bullshit.”
“What?”
He rolled his eyes. “For God’s sake, do you hear yourself?”
I watched him, waiting for him to elaborate.
Levi sighed. “When you’re dating another lesbian, the only competition is other women. But Natalya likes men too, and the things that attract her to men aren’t going to be the same things that attract her to women. Which means there’s nothing you can do to compete with them.”
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