by S. R. Watson
“Since when?” Landon probes. He looks at Giselle with disgust. “Landon please. Let’s not do this. You fucked Nevaeh the minute I left,” Giselle pleads. Landon looks past her and to Daniel for answers.
“About three months,” Daniel finally says. This shit keeps getting better and better. Now she is in the hot seat and the smugness is wiped from her face. “Wait. Are you two together?”
“Who are you really pregnant for Giselle?” Landon booms, closing in on her. I watch as she cowers closer to the door. “Oh no you don’t. You’re not leaving. I want answers.”
“What baby? You’re pregnant?” Daniel asks. “I need answers too.”
“Daniel I’m sorry,” Giselle begins. “I’ve been dating Thor for the last year. I thought I was pregnant, but I just found out that I’m not.” Both men look at her like she’s grown another head. Landon is speechless. Daniel, who has been cool up to this point, becomes infuriated. His voice rises as he scratches his head.
“So you came to visit me at school and spend a week with me and this whole time you were not only with another man, you thought you were pregnant for him? Who in the fuck does that?” He joins Landon as they look to her for answers. “Wait. Thor? I’ve heard of that name. You’re the quarter back here?” Landon nods and then it is as they are seeing each other for the first time.
“You’re Daniel Mitchell? Quarterback from Georgia Tech?” Daniel nods and Landon throws his head back in laughter. “This shit is unbelievable. So our girl here has a thing for quarterbacks does she? You know she told us she was going to help her mom with her grandfather,” he chuckles until it turns into a sneer. They discover that Daniel is here a day early since our team plays them tomorrow. He wanted to surprise Giselle. Mission accomplished.
“Fucking liars, both of them,” he says gesturing toward Giselle and I. Giselle’s eyes water as she shoves Landon.
“Fuck you asshole. I did go help my mom. I stayed gone an extra week to go visit Daniel.” Peyton walks in and takes a look around at the chaos. Michael pulls her aside to fill her in on what’s going on. “Yeah, join the party Peyton. Let’s put all this shit on the table. Landon you have no right to judge me. You were who I fucking wanted. You were so stuck up Nevaeh’s ass I had to do something. I had to look elsewhere. Even still I was willing to fight for us,” she cries.
“Daniel just said you two have been together for three months. You’ve only known Nevaeh for about a month so what are you talking about?” I sit up a little straighter. She has my complete attention now.
“You don’t get it, do you? I knew about Nevaeh before she moved here. Hell, I’m the reason she’s here.” Peyton walks over and sits next to me. We look at each other in a true ‘what the fuck’ moment.
“Explain,” Landon growls.
“You told me about how your ex hurt you and how you were unsure if you could give anyone your heart anytime soon. Our relationship was stagnant. I could feel your mistrust, your hesitancy to move forward with giving your heart to me. I saw her picture in your wallet when I was gathering your clothes to do laundry. I remember feeling, how could I compete with the memories you were holding onto of her.” She wipes furiously at her streaming tears. “It wasn’t until I saw a picture of the same girl in Peyton’s senior book that I realized you were both connected to the same girl.”
“That’s why you were asking all those probing questions about how and when Nevaeh and I met. When I told you she was my best friend and that she just lost her mom to cancer, you suggested that she moved in with us. You said you’d rather rent Landon’s old room than turn it into an office,” Peyton huffs. “You conniving bitch. You knew all along that she was the girl Landon was still in love with.” Landon can’t stop shaking his head.
“This has truly been an enlightening day. And you wonder why I find it so hard to trust or give my heart to anyone?” He begins pacing.
“I had to push you Landon. Things would have remained the same. You needed to see that you were strong enough to move on from her so we could have a real chance,” Giselle sniffs.
“How did that work out for you? He fucked Nevaeh the minute you left and wanted to be with her,” Peyton points out.
“I know. I had to take that risk. I needed him to either get over the idea of her or let me go,” she insists.
“Is that why you pretended to be pregnant—to trap me? Was that your back up plan like Daniel here was?” Landon pats Daniel on the back. “I think Giselle here, just wanted to hitch her ass to a NFL candidate.” Daniel nods in agreement.
“That is so unfair and you know it Thor. I love you,” she says. “I’m sorry Daniel, but it’s true. Thor is where my heart is.”
“No worries Giselle. I’m happy to have dodged the bullet. You’re not worth my time. Thanks Thor. See you on the field tomorrow.” They bump fists and Daniel leaves. She stands there unsure how to proceed.
“I didn’t try to trap you,” she says as she tries to reach for Landon. He pushes her hand away from him.
“You told me the doctor had confirmed that you were pregnant. I’m over it.” He looks at me and I just want to curl up in a ball. “I got the call about the condo today, but I guess I’ll be living alone. You two fucking deserve each other. Maybe you can be friends now since I no longer want either one of you. You’re a disappointment because I truly loved you with my entire being. I will not let you break me this time Nevaeh. I refuse to give you that power. You will not ruin me for the right woman that’s waiting out there for me. Have a nice fucking life. If you see me on campus, pretend you don’t know me. I’ll have Michael drop your shit off at the sorority house so don’t bother coming by Gavin’s place.” His eyes are glacial and distant. I won’t beg for him to understand my actions like Giselle just did. His heart is made up—there is no reasoning with his mind. He turns on his heel and Michael, who has been quiet through this whole ordeal, follows him out.
“Come on Nevaeh,” Peyton says as she helps me up from the couch. Giselle is crying at the counter. I’m still stunned over her confession. This has been a real mind fuck. We leave her to clean up the mess of this disastrous day.
THE THROBBING IN MY head wakes me from my slumber. I’ve only slept a few hours. I tossed and turned all night with the decisions I needed to make about how to proceed. I cried all night. Landon deserves to be happy and if that is without me then so be it. I cringe as I think about all the deceit he has had to endure from the people he trusted and loved the most. I only wish I could have made him listen to the truth of why I worked at his scummy uncle’s club. I hate to leave him with that illusion of me, but I know I must go. My heart is irreparably damaged and I won’t wait around to watch him exact his vengeance on me. Regardless of what he says, I know he is hurting. I did that. Once again, I fucking did that. I know if I tell Peyton my plan, she will try to talk me out of it. This is going to hurt her too, but it’s for the best. I just have to wait two days until Monday to put everything into motion.
Peyton didn’t try to talk to me last night and for that I’m grateful. I can’t relive that. I need to become numb. I’ve done it before, I can do it again, but not here—not with Landon as a constant reminder.
“How are you feeling this morning?” Peyton as she walks in with her shower caddy. We shared a bed last night so I know she felt every sob rack my body.
“My head hurts. I could use some Tylenol.” I rub my temples where the pain radiates the most.
“You know what I meant Nevaeh. How are you feeling about Landon? What are you going to do?” She grabs a bottle of medicine from her dresser and throws it to me along with a bottled water.
“Let’s not go there Peyton. It’s still too fresh. It hurts too much to talk about it right now.” She begins to get dressed.
“Okay. I’m here when you’re ready,” she assures. She looks at me with pity and I hate it. This is what I don’t need. I’m bringing everybody down. Today is the big game against Georgia Tech. I was supposed to be going with Peyton, b
ut I don’t want to go. She starts talking about skipping the tailgate party and game. I know if I don’t go, she won’t leave me. I can’t drag her into my miserable existence.
“We don’t have to go to the game,” she says.
“Nonsense. I need to get out. I will just stew in sadness if I stay here.” I don’t think she’s buying what I’m trying to sell, but she doesn’t call me out. I get ready and we spend the day tailgating until kick off. I can’t get into the game this time. My attempt at enthusiasm falls flat. I stay seated while everyone else is in an uproar. Of course, Peyton offers to leave on more than one occasion, but I decline each time. I know I’m putting a damper on her good time.
After the game, we head to one of the frat parties to celebrate our team’s win. I plan to get shit faced. We haven’t seen Giselle around so I’m guessing she’s laying low. Whatever, not my concern. This is my last weekend here. I knock back a few shots of tequila before I start to feel the buzz that I welcome. It’s a great start. Memphis May Fire’s “Speechless” plays and I begin to sing along. Okay, maybe I’m more than a little buzzed. Landon catches my eye. I didn’t notice him here before. His arm is wrapped around some blonde—football groupie, I’m sure. He sees me watching so he begins sucking on her neck while he massages her ass. She leans her head to the side to give him better access to her neck. I can’t look away. It’s like watching a train wreck. I watch as he grabs her hand and leads her upstairs to where the bedrooms are. He looks back one time to make sure I’m still watching before disappearing.
Peyton, who hasn’t been two feet from my side all night, sees this and insists we leave. This time I don’t argue. She tries to comfort me, but again I shut her down. This is my karma. I’m grateful for my small window of happiness here. When we get back to her room and I see my stuff from Gavin’s apartment at the foot of her bed, the finality of my relationship shatters the tough exterior I’ve put on all day. I collapse on the bed and let the tears fall.
“Please talk to me Nevaeh. I feel so helpless. I don’t know how to help you through this if you refuse to let me in,” she cries.
“It hurts too much Peyton. He is fucking someone else right now while it feels like my whole world is an apocalypse. I know I have you and I love you with all my heart. Give me some time to process all of this and I promise we can talk, okay? I just can’t right now. Please don’t push.”
“I love you too Nevaeh. I’ll give you the time you need.” She crawls in bed with me and I cry on her shoulder. I cry even harder at the thought that I only have one more night with my friend.
I stand in front of the registrar and confirm that I want to withdraw from all my classes—I’m withdrawing from the university. I’ve already called a cab to take me to the airport. I hate that I couldn’t say goodbye to Peyton, but she would’ve never let me go without a guilt trip. I know when she gets the letter I left, it’s going to break her heart. This has déjà vu written all over it—only this time it’s my best friend. I wrote a check for ten grand to George this morning and left it with my letter to Peyton. I asked that she get it to Landon to give to his uncle. My flight leaves in a couple of hours and I’m ready to just disappear. Mrs. Mitchell has agreed to take me in until I can get a job. She was a good friend to my mother and to me too once my mother died. She was the neighbor that checked on my mother while I was in school to see if she needed anything. She’s in her mid-seventies and lives alone. Her husband passed away four years ago from lung cancer so she was able to relate to what we were going through. She told me that I could stay as long as I needed. She’s even made up her spare bedroom for me. So another chapter of my life begins—a depressing one, but a new one, all the same.
Two weeks pass and I’m finally getting into the rhythm of things. I left my cell on Peyton’s dresser with my letter the day I left. Not because I didn’t want to hear from her, but because my heart couldn’t take the thought of Landon not reaching out to me once he discovers I’m gone. This way I can pretend he still cares. My heart still aches like no time has passed, but at least I’m finding a reason to get up in the morning. I work the morning shift at our neighborhood diner. It doesn’t pay much, but it’s a legitimate job. I’m sure I would make better tips if I could force myself to smile. After work, I eat the home cooked meal Mrs. Mitchell has made for me, shower, and then get ready for bed. Every day, the cycle repeats. I know she worries, but she isn’t the type to pry. My days are filled with me pretending that I’m holding up, but my nightly solitude unravels the twisted sorrow that holds me captive. I don’t know if I’ll ever be fine again.
I have Peyton’s number, but I can’t call her. I can’t let her in or make strides to be stronger. You can only get knocked down so many times before you lose your will to get up again. She doesn’t deserve the drama that comes with me. Although Landon and Peyton are alive and breathing, the loss of them in my life hurts every bit as much as when I lost my mom. I take the sleep aid that has become part of my nightly routine lately. It reduces the time I spend awake, so I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts. My eyes grow heavy and I welcome the reprieve.
A light tap on my door stirs me from my drug-induced sleep. I’m disoriented for a second as I reach for my phone. It’s only nine in the morning.
“Nevaeh,” Mrs. Mitchell calls softly from the other side of the door. “Are you awake?” I’m off today so I don’t know why she is at my door so early. Maybe she’s held off long as she could on talking to me about my depressive behavior. I get up and pad to the door in my underwear and tank. When I open it, she is standing there looking unsure of how to proceed. My hackles go up. Something is wrong.
“What is it Mrs. Mitchell?” I ask cautiously. She insists that I call her Marie, but I respect her too much to comply.
“You have a visitor dear,” she says. I try to wrap my mind around who it could possibly be, especially at this hour. I don’t go anywhere besides work and I’m not exactly social to my co-workers. I keep my head down and do my job. Maybe Sarah or Mindy found out that I was back in town somehow. Before I can get a clue from Mrs. Mitchell, she is already retreating back downstairs. I put on a robe and follow her. When I enter the kitchen, I nearly trip over my own feet. My heart speeds up and threatens to burst out of my chest. He can’t be here. How did he know where to find me? Landon stares back at me. The sunlight shines through the kitchen window on his beautiful face. His hair is tousled like he’s run his hand through it a hundred times—likes he does when he is nervous or unsure.
I can see every inch of muscle through his fitted t-shirt while the sweats that hangs low on his hips reminds me of the endowed package he has hidden. He looks every bit of walking sex on a stick as I remember. My body and heart aches for him. Damn him for coming here and tugging on wounds that are already refusing to scar. I look away from him because the reality of him being here is too much.
“What are you doing here Landon?” I ask weakly. Mrs. Mitchell doesn’t stick around for an introduction. She can sense he’s the reason I’m living with her, although we’ve never talked about it.
“I’m ready to listen Heaven,” He walks toward me and I take a step back. Hearing him call me his pet name delivers a crushing blow. He isn’t playing fair. He doesn’t get to come in here and act as if everything is okay because he’s decided he’s ready to listen.
“I don’t know how you found me, but I no longer want to talk. Believe what the fuck you want,” I retort. He grabs my hand and spins me around to face him. Memories of that last time I saw him flood my mind and it fuels my answer. “Let go of me Landon. Go fuck your blonde.”
“Nothing happened that night Heaven. I just wanted you to feel the hurt I was feeling. I watched you leave that night through the bedroom window. I replayed that scene with my uncle over and over in my head all day Sunday. By Monday, I knew I had to apologize. You were trying to tell me something that day in Giselle’s apartment and I refused to listen. When Peyton told me you dropped out of school, it totally wrecke
d me.” He finally lets me go of my hand. “Neither of us knew where to look for you since you left your phone. We lost our last game because you’ve been all that I can think about. I’m so fucking lost without you. When Peyton told me everything, I felt like an even bigger ass. How could I have believed the things my uncle accused you of?”
“Everything?” I don’t know how to feel about his apology. His shoulders slump and his eyes beg me to let him in.
“Yes baby. I just need to hear it from you. I know you’re not capable of what my uncle said.” I decide to share my side of the story for my own peace of mind. As badly as I wish I could just tell him to fuck off, he needs to hear the truth from me.
“I’m not innocent Landon,” I begin. He listens intently as I delve into my past. I tell him how I only took the job at his uncle’s club to waitress. The tips were better there than the restaurant I was originally working at. “I was never supposed to be one of the dancers. I told George I wasn’t interested in stripping when he hired me. The night I ran into your uncle at your house, he recognized me. As the conversation flowed freely over dinner, he quickly realized I needed money to help with my mother’s medical bills and that you were clueless about where I was truly working. The next time I showed up to work, he propositioned me. He used his new knowledge to bend me to his will. He said he needed me to do private dances for his VIP customers—nothing beyond that. He said he would give me a twenty thousand dollar advance as an incentive. I knew if I didn’t agree to this he would fire me and mostly likely tell you lies about me, but that’s not why I agreed.” Tears spring into my eyes as I recall that difficult decision. Landon guides me over to the table and we take a seat.
“Why did you agree?” Landon asks to encourage me to continue. His jaw clenches as he works to contain the anger building in him.
“My mother had always sacrificed everything for me. She needed me. I had to take over the reins of keeping our heads above financial waters. We had no other family to turn to and I would be damned if I let her worry about anything while her health was deteriorating. I did all of it for her. I had to be her rock like she was for me. I took off my clothes and allowed men to look at my body while they got off, Landon. I never participated in sexual acts or took things any further. There were times when different women joined us and I simply watched while they did extra stuff for more money. After the first time, I felt so disgusted with myself. I knew I had to let you go. I was tainted and you deserved better. I had to protect you and your reputation if my dishonorable act came to light.” I look away from him—unable to meet his eyes now that he knows the truth. I feel so ashamed.