by Laurie Lyons
"So I would know the truth about my life?" Lucy raised her voice. Nathaniel tightened his grip. But Sandra Bower wasn't fighting about this anymore.
"That's exactly what he said," she said sounding tired and defeated. Lucy's anger softened slightly. "You are so much like him Lucy, it is painful at times. I should have told you." She looked at Lucy with tears in her eyes. "Don't you see that I've suffered for that decision? I lost my husband because of my stubborn behavior. I lost the only man I ever loved because I was an idiot. You can't say anything to me that I haven't said to myself." She looked at her daughter with tears pouring down her face, "I paid my price Lucy! I lost my heart. I can't lose you too. Please forgive me."
Lucy's anger melted away as she thought of losing Nathaniel and how much pain that would cause. Her mother had done what she thought was best. Sandra loved her daughter; she loved her enough to call her back from the dead. Lucy reached her hand out and laid it on Sandra's. "I understand mom, I forgive you."
"You do?" her mother asked hopefully.
"I do." Lucy reached up with her other hand and touched Nathaniel's hand resting on her shoulder. "I understand more than you know."
"Thank you sweetheart," her mother squeezed her hand and let go to use the napkin to wipe her tears. Lucy did the same. The server, sensing that whatever had happened was over now, approached the table warily. They ordered from her hastily and sat half smiling at each other. The table beside them left so Nathaniel sat down.
"I still have some more questions if that's ok," Lucy said.
"Of course honey, whatever you need to know," Sandra encouraged.
"Well," Lucy thought about it, "how did it happen? The article wasn't clear on the details."
Sandra took a deep breath and a sip of her wine, "We don't know really. Your father took you to the pool to swim for the fist time. He had your hand and was more than five feet from the edge when he let go to put the towels down. He turned back and you were already in the pool."
Lucy was confused. "So I ran and jumped?"
Sandra nodded. "You must have, which was strange because you were generally nervous of water."
"Could I have been," Lucy gulped at the horror of it, "pushed?"
"We certainly considered that but everyone at the pool was questioned. It was fairly busy and no one saw anything."
"That's good," said Lucy relieved. "Then what?"
"Then your dad jumped in after you and so did several other people but your father was a strong swimmer. He said you were already unconscious by the time he got to you. He said at night when he closed his eyes, he was always haunted by the image of you drifting lifeless to the bottom of the pool." Lucy shuddered. "I agree," her mother replied. "I'm very glad I didn't see that."
"When did you get there?"
"I beat the ambulance to the hospital." Sandra looked up at the ceiling trying to remember every detail. She knew that would be important to Lucy. "They ran you in. I didn't get to see you because they kept us out of the room. Then finally, the doctor came out, we saw his face and we knew." Sandra looked down at the table and was silent for a moment. She didn't look up as she continued, "I hope Lucy, that nothing like that ever happens to you. I would not wish that kind of pain on anyone. It was like my very soul shattered into a million pieces, never to be repaired. I lost it, I snapped. I don't even remember what your father was doing. All I remember is that someone was screaming and then realizing that it was me. I don't remember knocking over a nurse to get to you but they told me that later. I do remember what happened when I got to the bed. There you were, your skin grey and waxy there was no breath in you and certainly no life. Your entire existence flashed before me. I saw everything in perfect sequential order; the pregnancy test, the first time you kicked, your birth, your first smile, the day you rolled over, walked and spoke. I couldn't take it. I screamed in your face for you to come back to me. I could feel them pulling me away but I swung and kicked at them wildly fighting to get you back. And then," she finally looked up at Lucy, her eyes full of remembrance, "you opened your eyes. I was so stunned. You tried to take a breath but they had tubes down your throat. Someone, I don't know who, reached over and pulled them out and you coughed, and looked around the room smiling." She shook her head in disbelief, "I went from total despair to total joy in a matter of seconds. It was unbelievable, everyone started screaming and running around. I tell you Lucy, I have thanked God every single day for that moment."
Lucy's mouth fell open. "You have never mentioned God to me before."
"Oh I know honey," Sandra replied shrugging, "but that doesn't mean I don't believe in it. I don't talk to God for any other reason than to thank him for you," she paused, "well, that's not true. Once I did ask him for a facelift but that didn't work."
"She doesn't need one," Nathaniel said.
"You don't need one mom," Lucy said for him.
"Thank you," Sandra said laughing.
Lucy thought for a moment, "Did I say anything when I woke up?" Their food arrived and Lucy dug in starving. She glanced sideways at Nathaniel who shook his head. He wasn't hungry, which was good because Lucy thought she for once could finish a meal.
"Yes, you did," Sandra replied picking up her sandwich. "You said 'Lucy go back.'" Sandra swallowed and smiled, "So I knew that you had heard me. It was a big moment."
"So that picture of Dad and I swimming when I was five?" Lucy prompted.
Sandra nodded finishing her bite and taking a sip of wine. "That wasn't your first time swimming. That was the first time I let you get back in the pool after the accident."
"Does Dr. Hannon know?" Lucy asked.
Sandra nodded, "I swore him to secrecy. Don't be angry with him Lucy," she warned.
"I'm not," Lucy replied. "But did he want to tell me?"
"Yes, but he didn't want anyone else to know," Sandra replied.
"Why not?" Lucy asked confused.
Sandra put down her sandwich and wiped her hands on her napkin. "He was concerned, and I agree, that other people might try it."
"Try what?"
"Drowning and coming back to life to get your abilities," her mother replied like this was obvious.
It hit Lucy like a brick to the face. Up until this moment, it hadn't even occurred to her that the drowning had anything to do with her photographic memory. Now it hit home. That's why her mother didn't want her to know. She wanted Lucy to think that it was a natural ability. She pushed her plate away immediately nauseous at the thought. Nathaniel jumped up and assumed his position behind her. Her parents had told her that her memory started to manifest itself shortly after she turned two; right after the accident.
"I'm a fraud," she said staring at nothing. "I wasn't born with this and I'm not gifted. I'm a scientific freak show."
Sandra leaned across the table. "Lucy no!" she exclaimed. "That isn't true. We don't know if you developed your memory as a result of the accident. That's why Dr. Hannon didn't want anyone to know. There are crazies out there honey that would literally die for your gift. You could have had your memory before. We don't know and why does it matter?" She reached for Lucy's hand and Lucy gave it but let it lie limp.
"Did I dream before the accident?" Lucy asked blankly.
"Lucy," her mother pleaded, "you were a baby! How were we to guess before you could…" Lucy cut her off by slamming her hand on the table. Sandra flinched. "Yes," she said in a small voice, "you did"
Lucy sat back and nodded. This was the confirmation. Before the accident, she was totally normal and after, she wasn't. "My memory is nothing more than the byproduct of a disaster." She jumped up from the table with such force that she caught Nathaniel off guard. He reached for her again but she dodged him and ran.
Lucy ran and ran and ran. She ran through the streets, through parking lots, through fields and right out past the borders of the town and kept running. She was in a wheat field when she finally stopped, exhausted. She sat down in the wheat and cried.
"I don't want m
y memory if I wasn't born with it," she said to no one. "I have lived a total and complete lie of a life. I have no right to be proud of myself, I am nothing but an accident, a mistake. I have no gifts, no talent. Anyone could be me…if only they were willing to die for it. Pathetic. Sad Lucy, very sad."
Lucy heard Nathaniel approaching and sighed in relief. She needed him more than ever right now. She looked up eager for his warm embrace and his words of comfort but froze suspended in terror. It wasn't Nathaniel coming for her.
Chapter Eleven
Epiphanies
"There's a world of difference between truth and facts
Facts can obscure the truth."
~Maya Angelou
Roman walked slowly up to her. He wore a tight black t-shirt and a pair of jeans. How could something so horrible look so much like a Greek God? Lucy's heart stopped beating. She was gripped with terror and could not force herself to move or scream or fight. He sat down affably in the wheat beside her. Lucy stiffened at his closeness and looked down, trying not to make eye contact. Roman didn't seem to sense her discomfort as he reached over and casually plucked off a stalk of wheat and twiddled it in his finger. Lucy swallowed and forced herself to breathe.
"Bad day?" he asked as though they were old friends. His voice was like butter.
"Go to Hell," she managed to say through clenched teeth. She decided not to ask about the plane incident. There was no reason for him to know that they had been frightened. The fact that he wasn't bragging about it made Lucy think that it wasn't him and someone else. Who though? Bael? Mrs. Turner? Lucy was suddenly surrounded by Demons. She didn't like it.
Roman threw his head back and laughed, "Oh, you are funny Lucy. Good one."
"I won't be alone for long," she warned him. "You don't want to be here."
"Oh you are wrong there," he said with mock disappointment, "he's not coming I'm afraid."
Panic ripped through Lucy as she glared at him. "Why?" she demanded, "what happened?"
Roman laughed again. "Oh we are attached aren't we?" he said and touched the wheat stalk to Lucy's nose. She flinched. "It's sweet really. No, no, your cherub isn't gone for good. Not yet anyway," he added with a sly smile. "Don't worry, he's standing in the middle of town frantic and livid right now."
"Why?" Lucy asked.
Roman sighed like she was an idiot, "Because once you run away from an Angel or tell them to leave, they can't come back until you call them silly. Didn't he tell you anything?"
Lucy instantly opened her mouth, "Na…" was all she got out before Roman leapt on her and clamped his hand over her mouth. Lucy struggled against him. He was incredibly strong and she knew she would be bruised tomorrow.
If she made it to tomorrow.
She bucked and fought against him but it was like fighting against a brick wall. Roman just held her tight. "No no no peanut, not yet," he said patiently like he was talking to an unruly child. "Calm down Lucy. Don't make me shut your mouth permanently," he warned in her ear. She screamed under his hand. "I don't know if your Angel has shown you all of our capabilities but I assure you that you do not wish to irritate me little girl." She stopped struggling - he wasn't bluffing. She thought of Dr. Hannon's face, she didn't know if Roman was capable of the same monstrosities that Bael was but she didn't want to take the chance. She sat quietly in her circle of fear. Roman slowly removed his hand, "Good girl." He leaned back and sat beside her again. "Now don't worry, I have no intentions of hurting you and you can call him the moment I am gone. I just want us to have a chance to discuss a few things alone."
"Like what?" Lucy whispered. The terror had gripped her and she sat spell bound and alert.
"I can help you Lucy," he said kindly. "I can fix all of this." Lucy noticed that he wasn't mentioning Bael; most likely trying to play the nice guy.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"You are a fraud," he said. Lucy scowled at him. "That is unfair. Don't you see?" he pointed at the sky. "They did this to you." He pointed to himself, "Not us." Lucy shook her head not understanding what Heaven or Hell had to do with any of this. "You see sweetie," Roman continued patiently, his voice smooth, "they make all the decisions. They gave you this curse and made them all lie to you about it. Your Angel is wrong. It's a big puppet show up there. They gave you all the heartache you are feeling right now and they are sitting back watching you for the results. You are nothing but a petri dish to them."
"Na…" Lucy started but Roman raised a finger in warning, "he…" she corrected, "would never lie to me."
"That is true Lucy," Roman nodded. "But he doesn't even know the truth. They have lied to him too." Lucy looked doubtful as he continued, "Why do you think my boss is where he is? Because he figured it out and so they kicked him out. He didn't want to lie anymore." Lucy assumed that he was talking about Lucifer now and not Bael. She didn't know what to believe. She shook her head to clear it. "I know," he said with sympathy, "it's a lot to take in but all you need to know is that I have the power to fix it."
"How?" Lucy couldn't imagine anyone being able to fix it.
"I'll take it all away," he said simply and the wheat stalk in his hand disappeared. "Poof," he held up his hands like a magician, "all gone."
"Take what away?" Lucy was suddenly intrigued.
"What ever you want Lucy. Where I come from, you call the shots, not some mystical being in the clouds. I can take away your photographic memory so you are a regular girl. I can take away the drowning and I can put you right where you should be as if none of their meddling had ever happened."
"I wouldn't be me," Lucy countered.
"Of course you would!" he replied with conviction. "You will still have lived the same life but with out all the lies."
"What do you want in return?" she asked suspiciously.
Roman laughed, "Oh, you are a smart one aren't you?"
"What?" Lucy pressed. She didn't know if she would risk her soul for a life of normalcy.
"Well, I don't want your soul if that's what you're thinking. Your soul is useless to me," he smiled and shrugged. "I ask only a small thing. I ask only that you send him back."
"I can't do that," she replied. "I don't have the power to do that."
"Lucy," he snickered at her ignorance. "Don't you understand that you are the one keeping him here? If he came here because of you so it stands to reason that you would be the one who can send him back. If you were to wish him back to the clouds?" he snapped his fingers. "He would be gone."
"But I don't want him gone," Lucy said blankly. That was the last thing she could handle right now.
Roman was frustrated, "Honey, they are coming for him eventually. Not even the puppet masters can allow this to continue for much longer. It's inevitable. You would only be shortening his visit and in exchange, you have a totally normal life."
"I…" Lucy was confused; she couldn't think straight, "I don't know… I love him."
"Ah but – here's the rub. He hasn't told you he loves you has he?" Roman asked quietly. She turned and met his eyes. Roman was really very handsome; tall, blond, blue eyed and he seemed so very sincere.
"Well," Lucy replied. Nathaniel had not spoken those three words and it had not gone unnoticed. Until this moment it hadn't really bothered her. He had showed it in so many ways.
"And why do you think that is?" Roman asked with sweetness and kindness, "Because he doesn't Lucy." Lucy felt the wind pick up and the sound of a coyote howling far away. Was he right? Was that possible? "Lucy," Roman continued patiently, "Angels are singular creatures, they have only one thing on their mind and that is Heaven. He doesn't love you as much as he loves Heaven. He can't wait to get back to be honest. Who wouldn't? It's Heaven after all. He is staying here for you. It would be better for him if you let him go. He would be happier."
The wind howled again and whipped the wheat stalks at Lucy's face. She was so confused. She had to admit that Roman made some sense. How could Nathaniel be as happy here as he was in Heaven? Here h
e was invisible, living his life beside her and having no life of his own. In Heaven, which he himself could not describe because of how wonderful it was, he had a life. Still, if he wanted to go back, why hadn't he told Lucy that? She was so confused
"I can bring back your father Lucy," Roman whispered in her ear.
That was the trump card.
"What?" Lucy stared at him.
"I can make it so the car accident that killed him never happened. Couple that with you never drowning and they would have never gotten divorced. Your father would be alive, your parents together and you would be one happy family." He leaned in even closer, she could feel his breath on her ear, "Think about it Lucy. The guy you can have for a short while or your father, your family…forever?"
Lucy couldn't help but think about that idea. She saw her father's face in her head, his smiling happy face. Oh to have that back, to have her parents together. Her mother would be so happy, they all would be. She would be normal, not a freakish accident. Then she saw Nathaniel's face in her minds eye. He was glowing and gorgeous and laughing.
"Now don't be selfish Lucy," Roman whispered the warning as if he could read her mind. "Think of all the joy you would bring to your mother and your father. Loving someone doesn't make them good for you."
The wind kept howling making it difficult for Lucy to think. She furrowed her brow and tried to focus. She pulled one memory from her thoughts and reviewed it like a movie in her head. It was her favorite memory of her father, the day he gave her 'Alice in Wonderland.' He had handed Lucy the book, open to her favorite quote – the one she had started to discuss with Nathaniel just the night before. She remembered asking what the words meant.
"It's about the truth Lucy," Richard Bower had explained in his careful voice. "Lies are the twisting of words and ideas, making them mean something different. Your job in this world my Lucy, is always to find the truth, as painful as the truth is sometimes to identify. You must quest to always see what is true, even if it is twisted through a looking glass. You are master of your life, what you do with your gift is up to you. You must find the truth and own it in your heart and only then can you be master of your destiny."