‘Going to give me a push?’
The rope slips off on one side and dumps me on the grass. We grin at each other.
‘We could always skim stones,’ he says.
‘I’ve probably done that for the last time,’ I say, with a rueful thought.
‘Why did you want to meet here?’
‘I wanted to reconnect with the time when we were friends and I was happy. I don’t want to live looking backwards, so I came to say goodbye to all this in a positive way. The last few weeks revealed a lot about my life and who I am. Some of it good, much bad. Today is a new beginning.’
Tommy absentmindedly scratches his knees. ‘Sure, Katie. No problem.’
I knew he would say that, even though after two decades he should be a stranger to me. We are both relaxed as we stare across the pond. In a way, I know nothing of Tommy the man, yet I have a feeling it will be a pleasure finding out. That can’t happen yet. Not in the normal manner, anyway.
I hope I can leave it all behind now. People have died again, but it was the only way that justice would be served. I will heed Sofiya’s advice and forgive those who wronged me, but I will also forgive myself. I hope I am fixed now, and I’m no longer a danger.
There was a point to my discovering the truth; an inner need. I lost the best years of my life in a concrete box, but I served my time knowing that I wasn’t all bad. I should never have done what I did but as with all things in life, nothing is black or white.
Nothing can bring my little girl back, those years have gone, but there is Tommy. My Tommy. I won’t ever let him go again if he’ll wait. Maybe now there is a chance for me to salvage something from this wreck of a life.
‘Tommy, I’m going to hand myself in.’
‘What? Why? I thought you had a new ID and everything sorted?’
‘I thought I couldn’t live under those rules, but Thorn made it unbearable. Living a life looking over my shoulder would be worse. I’ll show them that video and pray that you were right about them not wanting the publicity. Surely, they’ll see I couldn’t stay under those conditions. I’ll have to go back inside for a while but I’ll cope if you visit and write.’
‘I understand and of course I will. That’s probably the right thing to do.’
‘It’s the only thing to do. When I’m out I want to find out about my parents and brother. I know nothing of them. It’s not right that they’re forgotten. At the moment, I don’t even know the day they died. Researching that will be a whole lot easier if I can say they are family. Most importantly though, my daughter will be eighteen soon. If she wants to meet me, she has to be able to find me. I couldn’t put her through that. A life of regret is no life. Even though she was so young, for some reason I’m sure she’ll remember. The thought of seeing her again will provide me with the strength to carry on. I’ll build a life and be a person she can be proud of. I’ll make new memories.’
‘Do you have to go to the police station immediately?’
‘I suppose not.’
‘Let’s go to the coast for the weekend. Stay in a nice hotel and have a glimpse of what life will be like when you’re free again. It’ll give you something nice to think on and remind you that you can be happy again.’
‘I am content, Tommy, and that’s enough for the moment.’
Despite what’s ahead of me, I sense a releasing of my spirit. I must learn to take risks and trust people. To do otherwise isn’t living. I was wronged and I have done wrong, but that’s in the past now.
Bright light breaks through the clouds and filters through the branches above. I remember Irina’s words as Tommy places his arm over my shoulder. Life does rain on us all but, if you hang in there, the sun will return.
The End.
About the Author
I worked at HMP Peterborough for four years. It’s the only prison in the UK that houses men and women. There’s a big wall between them, of course, or it’d be a popular place to serve a sentence.
I found the difference between the two places immense. At nearly six-foot-tall and fifteen stone, I never feared for my safety on the female side as I sometimes did on the male wings. That said, you were more likely to be assaulted by a female prisoner, but it might be from nails or a bite. The men seemed more intent on beating each other up as opposed to the staff. However, when the men did fight, it was often with a weapon.
The staff joked that the men were bad and the women mad. As with most clichés, there’s an element of truth. The male prisoners were like big kids that hadn’t yet grown up. Some were pensioners and never would. Master criminals were scarce. Most of them resided behind those walls due to stupidity, greed or violence.
The female inmates, on the other hand, blurred the line between victim and villain. Some argue that most women’s offending is driven by unmet mental health needs. Domestic abuse and coercion are significant factors. In the UK, we lock up few women — only five percent of the prison estate. That’s less than 4000 females at any one time. They have to do something illegal many times or a dreadful act once to be sent down.
Most of those women are mothers. A typical inmate will have been raised in a broken home. Their own life may mirror that. The children she leaves behind could have a father who is absent or useless. Or worse.
If we send Mum to jail, even for a few months, who looks after those children? What will happen to the house? A mother with substance issues or a shoplifting habit will nearly always still be caring for her kids. It may be a chaotic place but could the state provide a better one? A mother is irreplaceable. Even when the authorities take the children away for their security, they still want to go home.
If the family unit falls apart, then the ripple effect can last generations. A safe home is everything, however much money you have. 95% of children are forced to leave their home when mum is sent to prison. Those kids experience shame, anger and confusion through no fault of their own.
The lifers are different. If you commit that most shocking of crimes, then you must bid farewell to your young. They’ll grow up and you’ll barely be involved. Those children will be adults and strangers when you’re released. That aspect of prison life fascinated and horrified me.
I’m an author and a househusband. I hope I’m better at the former as I’m poor at the latter. However, I do get to spend a lot of time with the kids — more than my wife does. Yet, I know without a moment’s hesitation that if we split up and they were given the choice, they would go with her. For me, that’s sad and uplifting. Perhaps that’s the way it’s meant to be. I don’t believe there is a closer bond than the one between a mother and her child. So, imagine how you would feel if, like Katie, you had to say goodbye to your children because of something you did. What would it do to your state of mind?
How would you survive?
Also by Ross Greenwood
This book is a prequel to The Dark Lives series. All of the books are standalone but some of the characters cross over. If you were intrigued by Radic in this book, you can meet him again five years down the line in The Boy Inside.
If you’ve enjoyed Shadows of Regret, you’ll love the first in that series - Fifty Years of Fear.
www.rossgreenwoodauthor.com
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Shadows Of Regret Page 23