Being alone on the beach under the stars didn’t hurt, either.
But then he stopped, and she could almost see the smoke coming from his ears as he tried to figure out how he would get the blanket from his shoulders to the ground.
She laughed. ‘How about I help with that, Mr Romance?’
‘Thanks,’ he said with a sheepish smile and, though awkwardly, somehow they managed to spread the blanket on the ground and she sat down without touching the sand. He joined her then, settling on his back with his arms behind his head. She caught a glimpse of toned flesh as his T-shirt crept up, and she quickly lay on her back beside him, carefully placing her hands on her belly to ensure one of them didn’t somehow land on the skin she’d just seen.
‘I doubt this is going to go down very well. The hosts of an engagement party leaving before their guests do.’
‘They’ll get over it,’ Xavier said easily. She turned her head and saw him take a deep breath. ‘I needed this.’
‘To escape?’ she asked softly, and he smiled.
‘I’m not sure we can ever escape. Not really. Our guards probably had us surrounded the moment we came down here.’
‘So this is as good as it’s ever going to get,’ she replied and took a deep breath of her own. ‘From where I am, I don’t think it gets better.’
‘You’re just saying that because this is your favourite place. Or was,’ he added quickly.
‘It still is.’
‘I should have known when I found you here after the State Banquet.’
‘I have only good memories here,’ she told him and then shook her head. ‘Mostly.’
Silence followed her words, though, for some reason, Leyna didn’t find it tense. She kept her eyes on the stars twinkling down on her, reminding her of the beauty in the world.
And, though she would probably regret thinking it later, she enjoyed being there with him. It felt a little like that day when both the best and worst thing had happened to her. But now she was here and she’d survived them both.
‘Do you regret it?’ he asked suddenly. ‘Saying yes to me?’
Her heart gave an uncomfortable thud in her chest. ‘No.’
‘Not even now, knowing what you know?’
‘No,’ she said again, and took a deep breath to prepare herself for what she knew she had to say next. ‘I do regret the way I ended it, though. I regret hurting you as much as I did.’ She inhaled and used the breath to say the words she should have said that afternoon. ‘I’m sorry, Xavier. I truly am sorry for hurting you.’
‘And I’m sorry for not fighting for you,’ he replied softly. She turned her head to look at him. ‘You were right. I should have.’
‘But it was unfair of me to expect it from you.’ Emotion, thick and heavy, sat in her throat. ‘I didn’t know that I had expected it, not until I told you so this afternoon. But I was young, and afraid, and—’
‘Fear doesn’t always make us think rationally.’
‘No, it doesn’t.’
She looked away, afraid the emotion of the moment would make her cry again. It was ridiculous, even having the urge, but she supposed that was only to be expected. She’d kept everything about that time in a box, shut tight, refusing to let it make her any less of a queen.
And maybe she’d managed to keep it locked for so long because she hadn’t had anyone to share it with. Until now, it seemed.
‘My family wanted me to marry Erika.’
The unexpected words had her head whipping to look at him again. ‘What?’
‘They realised that whatever had happened between us hadn’t been a simple tiff and insisted I move on. So I did.’
She opened her mouth, and then closed it again. When she was sure she could speak without giving away her emotions, she asked, ‘So, you only dated her because they told you to?’
‘That’s what I thought, yes. Until this afternoon. And then I realised maybe it had been easier to listen to them than to face possible rejection from you again. I don’t think my heart would have been able to take it a second time.’
Her mind spun with the information, and she heard herself asking him about his marriage. ‘So how did you decide that you would date Erika?’
‘She was the daughter of one of my father’s advisers. She’d been doing humanitarian work, had a good reputation in the influential circles of Mattan, and my mother and grandmother thought she was a suitable match. My father did, too.’
‘Was it...arranged?’
‘Not in the way you mean.’ He shifted his body so he was on his side, looking at her. ‘It was a suggested marriage. And I’d already wasted the year after my twenty-first birthday—in their opinion—waiting for you.’ He fell silent.
‘I don’t think any of them believed in love. My grandmother had chosen my mother for my father to marry, and they’d grown to care about each other over the years. I don’t think they knew how it felt to love someone like...’ His voice faded, and she saw the hesitation in his eyes before he continued. ‘I don’t think they knew what it was to feel what I felt for you.’
Her heart broke and not for the first time she found herself wishing she could go back. That she could stop herself throwing away the love Xavier had had for her. That she could stop herself hurting him as badly as she clearly had, denying herself the chance to be loved.
‘Did you try to tell them?’
‘What was the use?’ He shook his head. ‘I didn’t think you loved me, and that would have been the only motivation. Besides, I was devastated. And I can see now that moving on with Erika... It was an expectation. A command, even, from my King. I couldn’t disobey him. I had no reason to.’
She understood it, even if it broke her heart even more.
‘So I listened to them and I married, because that’s what a king has to do.’ He shrugged in a way that told her his family had reminded him of that fact as well.
‘And Erika was fine with that?’
‘She didn’t entirely have the option not to be. She had a father who wanted her to marry into the royal family, and a king who expected her to marry his son. How could she refuse?’
‘So you both didn’t want to be in the relationship?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘I thought...’ She faltered. ‘I’m sorry, I just can’t imagine being in a relationship because that’s what people told me I should do.’
‘Is that why you haven’t dated since us?’
She gave a soft laugh. ‘Walked straight into that one, didn’t I?’ But, because he’d been honest with her, she would give him the same courtesy. ‘Yes, I think so. I’ve always known that I would have to marry one day. But I was postponing it for as long as I could. Despite the urges of my grandmother.’
‘She wanted you to marry?’
‘In the same way your family wanted you to move on. She concocted the most outlandish ways to get men she thought appropriate in front of me without saying that she wanted me to meet them. At first,’ Leyna added, thinking about recent years. ‘But then she gave up and started telling me outright that I couldn’t be a spinster queen. That I needed to give Aidara a future ruler.’
‘And even that didn’t sway you?’
‘It should have, but...’ She trailed off, her mind spinning a bit at the prospect. ‘It has now, though, hasn’t it?’ she said, instead of what she really thought.
That perhaps duty hadn’t dictated every decision of her personal life. And what did it mean that she’d let it do so now? With Xavier?
‘See, I told you that you were stronger—better—than I was.’
‘Because I didn’t marry when my grandmother told me to?’ she scoffed. ‘That’s hardly something to be proud of.’
‘I disagree,’ he said softly. ‘Maybe if I’d done the same, she wouldn’t have—’ He broke off.
&nb
sp; ‘She wouldn’t have what?’
He shook his head, rolling onto his back again. ‘It’s nothing.’
She pushed up onto her forearms. ‘It isn’t nothing, Xavier, or you wouldn’t have brought it up. What did you want to say?’
‘It’s nothing,’ he repeated stubbornly.
‘Is it nothing?’ she asked, trying a different tactic. ‘Or is it just something that you don’t want to share with me?’
‘Don’t make this about you, Leyna.’
‘But it is, though, isn’t it? What else could it possibly be about?’
‘Erika,’ he snapped. ‘My wife. The woman I should have protected.’
Chapter Ten
XAVIER’S CHEST WAS heaving and he closed his eyes, fighting for calm. Leyna’s hand closed over his and it helped steady his breath. But he couldn’t keep the contact when he was talking about Erika and he pulled his hand away, settling it on his chest.
When he opened his eyes again, he pretended not to see the hurt on her face or how she sat up, the ease that had her lying on her back gone.
‘What should you have protected her from?’ Leyna asked quietly, turning away from him. He sat up now, too, and felt the guilt at hurting her throb in his chest.
‘I shouldn’t have brought it up.’
‘But you did, so clearly some part of you wanted to talk about it.’
‘Or you pushed so hard that I had no choice.’
She gave a soft bark of laughter. ‘If it helps you to blame me, then by all means go ahead.’ She pushed up to her knees and Xavier got to his feet to help her up. She let him, but let go of his hand the moment she was standing.
He couldn’t blame her, and shouldn’t have let it bother him. Yet he felt the same hurt that she’d had in her eyes when he’d let go of her hand minutes ago.
‘Can you take me back?’ she asked, not looking at him.
‘Leyna—’
‘Can you just take me back, please?’ she asked sharply now.
He sighed and lifted her into his arms, thinking about how different things had been just a few moments ago. He was responsible for that, he thought. He needed to face the truth of that—that he so easily blamed her without taking responsibility himself.
Something he was beginning to realise happened more and more.
So when they reached the path to the castle and he set her back on her feet he opened his mouth to apologise, but was silenced when she spoke.
‘We need boundaries,’ she said, slipping her feet back into the heels she’d worn. ‘Things we shouldn’t talk about because it would undermine the cordiality we’d like to maintain in our relationship.’ She straightened. ‘I think I already know what’s on your list and, since we’ve cleared the air about what happened ten years ago, I’d like to add our past to that, too.’
‘You think we can avoid talking about our past?’ he asked in disbelief.
‘We must if we want to keep this marriage as civil as possible.’
‘And that’s essential, isn’t it?’ he said, hiding his anger. But he should have known that she’d see through it.
‘You don’t get to be angry with me when you’re the one who put up walls. Perhaps you didn’t say it—’ she cut off his protest ‘—but not wanting to talk about it, snapping at me when I ask you to, that’s a wall. And I refuse to feel...’ Her voice faded and he saw a flash of hurt on her face. ‘I don’t want us to take our anger out on each other any more. So—’ she straightened her shoulders ‘—can I count on you for that?’
‘Yes,’ he replied a little helplessly.
‘Then I’ll say goodnight. I’ll have Carlos let you know when the results of the pregnancy test are in.’
She walked away from him then, leaving him speechless. It occurred to him that it wasn’t the first time she’d done it that day, and he was beginning to wonder whether that was how she dealt with difficult situations.
But then, he knew that wasn’t true. She’d faced their situation—which in optimistic terms could be described as difficult—head-on, with the strength and grace he’d come to expect from her as Queen. Perhaps then it was Leyna the woman, not Leyna the Queen, who walked away from difficult situations. And perhaps it wasn’t so much the situation as it was the person.
Him.
He couldn’t blame her, he thought. He’d lashed out and let his emotions get the better of him. But it felt wrong talking to Leyna about Erika. About what he should have done for Erika.
Because if he told her why he’d needed to protect Erika, what was there to stop him from telling her that he’d needed to love his wife more, too? That he’d needed to give up the hope that he’d somehow still carried for him and Leyna—even though he’d been married—and put his wife first?
He’d been avoiding telling Leyna what his mistakes were because his biggest one had partly been because of her. And how could he tell her that? How could he admit that out loud? He had enough trouble facing it himself, let alone validating its existence by telling her about it.
His dilemma was that she was the only one he’d ever been comfortable talking about it with. He sighed, wondering, not for the first time, how his life had become such a mess.
* * *
The next morning he found out.
He’d got the news that Zacchaeus had positioned a fleet of ships off Kirtida’s shores as soon as it happened. Less than an hour later, Xavier was alone with Leyna in his library after being briefed on the latest developments.
‘So, one of the ships from that fleet is on its way here,’ Xavier said. ‘I can only imagine it’s Zacchaeus.’
‘Who else could it be?’ she agreed. ‘And if it is, his timing is interesting.’
‘Right after our engagement announcement.’ Xavier nodded. ‘I think our plan might be working.’
‘Or it could be backfiring,’ Leyna said. ‘We were told his ships could be in position to either attack or defend. At this point, we don’t know which is more likely.’
‘I suppose you’re right.’ Xavier thought about it and then said, ‘He’s on his way to Mattan, though. Why?’
‘Because he doesn’t know that I’m here and he wants to offer you a proposition.’
‘Whatever it is, I’m not interested.’
‘Of course you aren’t,’ she said dryly. ‘Or else this—’ she wiggled the fingers on her left hand, making the engagement ring glint at him ‘—would have been moot.’
‘I couldn’t exactly go to Zacchaeus and ask him for his hand in marriage as part of an alliance,’ Xavier replied sarcastically, and felt some of the tension that had settled at the pit of his belly dissolve when she laughed.
‘You’re right,’ she said in mock seriousness.
‘That’s the only thing keeping me on your side, Your Majesty,’ he said with a smile of his own. They stayed like that for a moment, smiling at each other as though the threat to their kingdoms wasn’t on his way to see them.
Leyna was the first to snap out of it. ‘We’re going to have to make an announcement to our people after this. They’ve been waiting for it, and I don’t think we’ll be able to delay any longer. Especially considering that our fleet will have to respond.’
‘You’re right.’ Xavier sat opposite her. ‘What will we say?’
‘That our diplomatic attempts with Kirtida have failed, and that Zacchaeus is no longer interested in being a part of the Alliance of the Three Isles.’
‘They might not be in the mood for a wedding after that.’
‘Perhaps,’ she considered. ‘Or perhaps they’ll be thrilled because we’ll tell them that the wedding will assure the alliance of our two kingdoms and therefore keep them safe.’
His thoughts once again went to how strong, how graceful a queen she was, but he kept them to himself. Considering her words, he said, ‘What does it say abou
t me that I’m hoping we can resolve all of this right now with Zacchaeus?’
‘It says you’d like to avoid the disaster of a possible war for the sake of your people.’ Her expression went from serious to soft. ‘It’s not a weakness to want to solve this without violence, Xavier.’
‘It feels like it.’
‘Then we’re both weak.’ Her gaze stayed on his, and he wasn’t sure what she saw there that had her nodding. ‘You know, we have a trump card in this discussion.’
‘Which is?’ She laid a hand on her belly and his chest suddenly tightened. ‘You want to tell him about the baby?’
‘Don’t make it sound like an unreasonable suggestion.’
‘But...we don’t even know if it’s a reality yet.’
‘We don’t have to know. All we have to do is convince him of it, which might have him thinking twice about going into war.’
‘Why?’ Xavier asked, the emotion he couldn’t identify that was churning in him making the words fierce. Bitter. ‘Because an unborn child is going to tap into his compassionate side?’
‘No.’ Her eyes flashed with annoyance. ‘Because it means that Aidara and Mattan are unequivocally and irrevocably linked.’
‘Is there nothing sacred to you?’ he snapped. ‘Or is everything just leverage? In the name of duty?’
He read the emotions that sped across her face like a book he hated but couldn’t put down. Shock. Indignation. Hurt. He braced himself when anger finally settled, but there was no chance for her to tell him how he’d made her feel. Not when Xavier got the call telling him Zacchaeus had arrived and was on his way up.
He could see that Leyna knew what the phone call had been about and she walked onto his balcony, the summer breeze tousling her hair. He ran a hand through his own and contemplated going out to her to apologise. But he wasn’t sure what he would be apologising for, and thought that the anger still sizzling in his stomach might actually be useful for the conversation they were about to have.
A knock at the door edged that anger with nerves. He heard Leyna enter the room again and straightened his shoulders as he called for their guest to come in.
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