He wanted to say no. He wanted to get to the bottom of what she’d just admitted to him. But his eyes fluttered to the bedside table near where she stood. A picture of Erika smiled back at him, and he felt emotion seize his vocal cords.
He saw her eyes follow his and when she looked back at him they told him she knew he wouldn’t argue with her.
‘I’ll call you in a week, once I get the test results,’ Leyna said, none of the angst they’d shared in the last minutes evident in her voice. ‘We can decide what to do then.’ She walked to the door. ‘I’ll tell Zacchaeus we need the time. I don’t think he’ll be a real threat until we’ve made a decision, but I’ll get his assurances. You can talk to Nalini. It’ll be best if we know where she stands when the time comes.’
And then she was gone, and Xavier could no longer ignore the feelings tumbling through him. He walked to the picture of Erika and picked it up, wondering how she still had so much control over him three years after her death.
Perhaps it was because he hadn’t given her what she’d deserved when she was alive. And perhaps he was just using that as an excuse to ignore that he’d started feeling something for Leyna again. He needed an excuse to face that. To somehow mute the voice that told him he was making a mistake.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
But he’d felt a real, visceral fear when she’d given him the option to back out. And he’d known why she’d done it. Just like ten years before, she was making a decision for him. To protect herself from anticipating it in the future. And though that made him wonder why she thought she needed to protect herself—especially if, as she claimed, there were no feelings involved—that fear remained.
But he couldn’t deny that her offer had been tempting—which was probably why he hadn’t called her out on what she was doing. His life would go back to what it had been. Yes, there would be the complication of Zacchaeus, and whatever had prompted this entire situation. But he wouldn’t have to marry Leyna and be reminded of a life he shouldn’t have. And Nalini wouldn’t have to marry Zacchaeus...
Then he realised his life hadn’t been all that wonderful before this had happened. He’d been racked with guilt about his wife, and he’d felt so terribly alone. And though the guilt was still there now—more pressing, perhaps—at least he no longer felt alone.
Because he had Leyna.
The realisation had him shaking his head. To keep himself from thinking of it, he went back down to his library. He checked that Leyna had left Mattan safely and, when that was confirmed, called for Nalini. He used the minutes before she arrived to prepare his words, but nothing he came up with made Would you like to get married to our enemy to protect the alliance? sound good.
Nerves settled heavily in his stomach, even when Nalini bounced into the room with her usual energy.
‘You look like hell,’ she said cheerfully, flopping down onto the couch.
Xavier gave her a sour look. ‘It’s called running a kingdom.’
‘And you’re in a bad mood. This is fantastic.’ She grinned at him and he couldn’t help his smile. ‘How are things with Leyna?’
His lips straightened. ‘Fine.’
‘Really?’ Nalini’s eyebrows rose. ‘Things are fine between you and the woman who broke your heart—excuse me, your fiancée?’
He was suddenly grateful he’d kept the possible pregnancy to himself. ‘You’re making it sound—’
‘Complicated?’ She grinned. ‘It is complicated, though, isn’t it?’
‘You have no idea.’ But she would. Soon. He just needed to find a way to tell her about it. But, before he could, she straightened and her expression lost its amusement.
‘I was actually glad you called. I wanted to know how you were handling all of this. And truthfully. Not the rubbish answers you give us all at breakfast.’
‘As well as can be expected, I guess,’ he answered truthfully, and ran a hand through his hair. ‘How should you handle a threat against your kingdom forcing you to come face-to-face with everything you’ve struggled with in your past?’
‘You’ve been through worse,’ she reminded him softly, and he nodded.
‘Yes, I have.’
‘But that doesn’t mean things aren’t bad now. Especially if you still feel something for Leyna.’ When he didn’t say anything, Nalini’s eyes widened. ‘You do still feel something for her. I knew it!’
‘I loved my wife, Nalini.’
‘Your wife’s dead, Xavier,’ she said gently, though the words still sent a ripple of unhappiness through him. ‘You can’t keep living your life as though she isn’t.’
‘I can’t just move on either. Especially not with the woman everyone accused her of replacing.’ He shook his head. ‘Especially not with the woman she always accused me of wanting. I won’t do that to her. I can’t do that to her.’
‘I know you don’t want to hear this, but love is stronger than duty.’ Nalini’s voice was firmer now. ‘Leyna was love. Erika was duty.’
‘I loved Erika, too.’
‘I know you did. But it wasn’t the same, was it?’ She waited but he didn’t answer. ‘Being with Leyna now. How does that feel?’ Again, he didn’t say anything. What could he say? That she was right? ‘I don’t care if you won’t tell me, Xavier, but you should at least be honest with yourself.’
He blew out a breath. ‘Things are complicated,’ he said, and she smiled.
‘You can tell me I’m right when we’re on the other side, talking about how glad we are that we’re through it.’
It reminded him of what he’d called her there for. He cleared his throat. ‘You must have heard that Zacchaeus paid us a visit today.’
Her smile sobered. ‘Yes, I did. And I saw him. Briefly, in the castle. He looked like he’d just left a storm behind.’
‘I’m afraid he wants to bring you into the storm with us.’
Xavier explained, as briefly and as clearly as he could, what the meeting had been about. He felt her entire demeanour become serious—an obvious change since she was always so full of happiness—and told her that the decision was completely hers.
‘I’d like to talk to him.’
‘About what?’
‘I want to know how serious he is about this.’
Sensing her reluctance to talk to him about it, he nodded. ‘Sure. If we decide to do this, you can talk to him.’
‘When will that decision be made?’
His mind raced. ‘Leyna and I have to first talk through the implications of both options.’
She nodded. ‘Would you let me know as soon as you’ve made your decision?’
‘Your feelings about this will affect that decision, Nalini.’
‘I’ll do it,’ Nalini said softly. ‘I want to talk to him about it first, but I’ll do it.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘It’s my duty, Xavier, and you’re my King.’
‘You know that’s not—’
‘Relevant here?’ She smiled. ‘I know. But, like it or not, this is my duty. Especially if it protects Mattan.’
He walked to her and pressed a kiss on her forehead. ‘We’re lucky to have you as our Princess.’
She gave a soft laugh. ‘We’re lucky to have you as our King.’ There was a beat of silence, and then she said, ‘And, as one of your people, Xavier, I want you to be happy.’
He sighed. ‘Nalini—’
‘Erika would have wanted you to be happy, too, Xav.’ Nalini stood now. ‘I know your relationship wasn’t traditional, and that things were harder because of your fertility problems, but she loved you.’ She patted his cheek. ‘She would have wanted you to be happy. Even if it was with Leyna.’
Nalini left him wondering whether that was really true.
Chapter Thirteen
IT WAS A strange thing, waiting
for the results of a pregnancy test. Leyna’s doctor had taken the blood sample a few hours ago, and he’d told her to expect the results in the next hour. The nerves sat in her chest, reminding her that when the news came it would change her life.
Once upon a time, a long time ago, she’d wanted a child. She’d wanted a family and she’d wanted to rule. But then she’d realised that ruling had been more important than her desire for a family. Yes, she’d got there because she’d been afraid of losing Xavier—of disappointing her kingdom—and had pushed him and those dreams away. But when she’d thought about it, she’d realised she wouldn’t have had the time to be a queen and a mother. Not the mother she wanted to be anyway.
Not a mother like hers had been.
Leyna poured herself a glass of water and raised it shakily to her lips. She’d had to face all her issues in the last few weeks. All of the emotions and memories she’d hidden in the crevices of her mind had burst out, demanding her attention. It had only been a matter of time before she thought about her mother, really.
And, considering the news she was waiting to receive, it wasn’t a surprise that that particular issue had come up now. But it didn’t mean that she wanted it to. Not when it had her wondering, a little out of the blue, whether abandoning a child could be a genetic trait. Whether putting her own needs above her child’s was something she’d learnt without her knowing it.
Whether she could serve her kingdom and be the mother that her child deserved.
‘Leyna.’
The glass almost fell out of her hand, but she corrected quickly and only a little water splashed out onto her fingers.
‘I’m sorry, I thought you were expecting me.’
‘I was,’ Leyna replied and set the glass down on a piece of paper, wiping her hand on the side of her dress. ‘Just a little lost in thought.’
‘I could see that.’ Xavier stopped in front of her. ‘Everything okay?’
‘Perfect,’ she said brightly. ‘Just waiting to hear whether we’re about to become parents.’
Nerves flashed in his eyes, and it made her feel better about her own. ‘When will we know?’
‘Any time now.’
She’d just finished speaking when the phone rang. It took a beat for her to move, but then she walked back around her desk and answered.
Then slammed the phone down after her doctor told her the results.
‘Was that your doctor?’ She nodded numbly. ‘What did he say?’
She walked through her balcony doors then, desperately needing air. And, when she heard him behind her, she spoke without turning around.
‘I’m pregnant.’
Before she knew what was happening, he’d pulled her into his arms. She could feel his body shaking—or was that hers?—and allowed herself to take comfort from him for one short moment. She wrapped her arms around him, letting her face rest on his chest. She closed her eyes and again felt dangerously close to tears.
Except this time she knew she could blame it on her hormones. Which, apparently, were in full swing despite her being only two weeks pregnant.
The reminder had her moving out of his arms and heading back into the library.
‘You don’t seem happy about this,’ Xavier noted quietly when he joined her.
‘That I’m pregnant and trapped in what will be a marriage of convenience?’ She closed her eyes and then shook her head. ‘I didn’t mean that.’ She took a breath, and then another, and forced herself to think rationally. ‘I only meant that it’s still early. This might not work out.’
‘You mean you might miscarry our child? Is that what you want?’ he asked, his voice low, though she could still hear the pain.
‘Of course not! I’m just... I’m just in shock.’ She offered him what she was sure was an unconvincing smile. ‘I’m allowed to process.’
‘Yes, you are.’ He paused. ‘But even if you are processing... It doesn’t mean what you just said wasn’t what you felt.’
‘Of course I don’t want to have a miscarriage, Xavier—’
‘I was talking about you being trapped. Is that how you feel? Is that why you made that offer a week ago?’ He walked closer to her, but stopped a metre away. ‘You made it seem as though you were giving me an out, but maybe you were giving yourself one. And now you don’t have it. Now,’ he continued, gaining steam, ‘you have to continue the charade of this marriage. You can’t push me away now, afraid that I would walk away first—’
‘That’s not what I was doing.’
‘No?’ he asked. ‘So you’re telling me that you weren’t scared I would suggest backing out of our alliance?’
Trapped, she found herself floundering. ‘You didn’t want Nalini to—’
‘No, I didn’t,’ he interrupted. ‘But that didn’t mean I was just going to abandon you, or the promise we made to each other. To our kingdoms.’
‘It wasn’t a promise,’ she said now. ‘It was a plan. Plans change.’ She closed her eyes, and turned away, but whirled back at him. ‘Do you think this was how I planned to have a child? To be married?’
‘Do you think this is how I planned to have a child and marry?’ He took a step towards her now. ‘You told me our responsibilities come first. That what’s happening now.’
‘But it shouldn’t. It shouldn’t come first.’ The words were ripped from her. Ashamed, she sat down, giving her shaky legs some reprieve. ‘I didn’t mean that.’
‘No, you did.’ He took the seat opposite her. ‘And it’s fine.’
‘It’s not fine,’ she nearly sobbed. ‘I know my duty comes first. I believe it does.’ But she was trying to convince herself of it, not him. There was a long stretch of silence after she’d said it, giving the guilt time to do its work. She lifted a shaky hand to her face and felt the guilt mingle with shame.
‘Why is duty so important to you, Leyna?’ Xavier asked quietly. ‘And I’m not talking about you serving your kingdom or being responsible for your people’s lives. I’m talking about you.’
‘I...I don’t know what you mean.’
‘That’s part of the problem.’
‘Why is duty so important to you then?’
He threaded his fingers together and didn’t meet her eyes, but answered. ‘I think because it was a way to prove myself. To prove that I could be as good as my father. Or maybe to try and show them—my mother and grandmother—that we shouldn’t be compared.’
Compassion poured into her. ‘You shouldn’t have been. Your father was a good man, and a great king. And so are you, but in a completely different way.’
‘Except there was only one way in their eyes, and that wasn’t the way I was.’ His gaze lifted to hers. ‘You know what they used to say to me. How they treated me. None of that changed when we stopped being friends.’
‘I know.’
‘In fact, it probably got worse.’ She could see the struggle on his face, and only realised why it was there when he continued. ‘When I married Erika, her expectations of me were added to the ones I already had no hope of living up to.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘For most of our marriage Erika was miserable. She didn’t want this life. Our life.’ Emotion—hurt, regret—flashed across his face. ‘I shouldn’t have agreed to marry her.’
The years that they hadn’t been friends faded away so that when she reached out to take his hand it was as his best friend, not as the woman who’d agreed to marry him. ‘You feel like you should have protected her from what being royal meant.’
‘Yes.’ The admission was said in a hoarse voice.
‘Could you have?’ she asked, knowing that he wouldn’t have asked it of himself. ‘Because you told me that neither of you had a choice. Not really. So could you have said no to your King and your family and refused to marry her?’
‘That’s not what I meant—�
�
‘No, but that’s what protecting her would have entailed, Xavier.’ She let that sink in and then continued softly, ‘And if she really wanted to, she could have protected herself, too. She was an adult, and she was a part of your circle. She must have known what she was getting herself into when she said yes.’
‘No one from the outside can know what they’re getting themselves into, Leyna.’
‘Maybe not entirely, but she saw what was required of you. She must have known it would be required of her, too.’
‘It wasn’t that simple.’
‘I know that. We’ve spoken before about how that term doesn’t apply to us. But I think you’re making it more complicated than it has to be.’
‘You don’t understand.’ He pushed up from his seat, and she saw she’d made him angry.
‘Did she make you happy?’ she asked instead of pushing, because she needed to know, as much as she wanted to distract him.
‘We got along well. Really well,’ he said with a frown.
‘And that was basically the same as being happy.’ It wasn’t a question. ‘For the kind of relationship you had, with all the factors influencing it, it was enough.’
He would need to think about that, she knew. And so would she. She hadn’t allowed herself to feel hope when Nalini had first told her about Xavier’s unhappy marriage. And she’d reminded herself of that after Xavier had told her his marriage had essentially been arranged. It had been easy to do when it was clear he was still so consumed by whatever had transpired in his relationship with his wife.
But now she let the idea soothe some of the hurt she still carried about him moving on from her. Not because Xavier and Erika hadn’t been happy together—Leyna believed, as she’d told him, that happiness for people like them wasn’t black and white. But because he hadn’t got over her as easily as she’d thought he had.
United by Their Royal Baby Page 12