It made him feel better, and suddenly Nalini’s words came to his mind. She would have wanted you to be happy. If he let himself believe that, he knew what would make him happy. Leyna. But there was so much history there, so much hurt, so much denial that he wasn’t sure...
She wouldn’t have wanted a child with you if she didn’t love you.
Everything inside him froze, and then heated with the feel-good warmth he’d only felt once in his life before.
One day, ten years ago, when Leyna had said yes to his proposal.
‘Thank you for helping me see that,’ he told her gratefully, and prepared himself to make her admit that she loved him, too.
Chapter Seventeen
‘YOU’RE WELCOME,’ LEYNA ANSWERED.
His expression told her he’d just realised something he never had before. That realisation had comforted him, she saw, and she told herself that was all she’d wanted. For him. And ignored the voice in her head telling her he needed closure to move on.
Why would that be important to her? She knew where she stood with Xavier. At least she had before he’d told her that maybe there’d been a part of him that had wanted to marry her all along and that their baby was a miracle. But if she ignored that—just as she was currently doing—she knew where they stood. Theirs would be a political marriage and they’d give their child as much love as he or she could stand.
She was fine with that. Happy, even. As she’d realised over the last few days, the standard of happiness for them was lower than for others. Than for normal people, as Xavier had said. So she would balance all of her duties going forward, and be careful not to let any one of them become an obsession.
She nearly smiled when she realised that she’d finally admitted exactly what Xavier had asked her to. She considered telling him, but knew that if she did she would be opening a can of worms. She didn’t want to go back to that conversation. She didn’t want to think about feelings she couldn’t identify—about that feeling still lightly pumping with her heart—and she definitely didn’t want to think about how much she loved him.
One way to do that would be to get out of his company.
‘So, which one of us is going to tell Zacchaeus the news?’
‘Does it matter?’ he asked with a smile. ‘You and I are essentially the same person from now on.’
That feeling began to pulse harder in her chest again with his words, but she forced herself to respond in the same light tone as him. ‘Oh, I don’t know about that. I think we’re still very much our own people.’
‘Oh, I know that. We both do. But you know how people are. They’ll begin to group us together until there is no Leyna and Xavier, only Leyna-and-Xavier.’
‘But we won’t let that happen, will we?’ she replied shortly, and stood. ‘I think I’ll head back to Aidara—’
‘Why does it bother you so much?’
Xavier’s voice had become serious, and he was studying her. Had he been doing that all along? she wondered. Surely not. If he had been, it would mean he suspected it bothered her. That he’d been taunting her. That somehow he knew about how tight her chest had suddenly become.
‘It doesn’t bother me, Xavier.’
‘Then why are you running away?’
‘Haven’t you learnt your lesson about pushing yet?’ she asked lightly, but meant it.
‘Yes, I have. I’ve learnt that pushing gets you to tell me the truth. And, considering the honesty I’ve given you this evening, the least you could do is offer me the same.’
‘The least...’ she repeated. ‘I don’t know what’s got into you, Xavier, but I’m not sure I like it.’
‘I wasn’t sure I did, either. Not until a few minutes ago when you helped me realise how important it was to talk to someone.’ He stood with her, and took her hands in his. ‘The only perspective you have is your own, and sometimes... Well, sometimes it’s tainted by your own experiences, your own issues, ones you don’t even know you have.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ she said and pulled her hands from his. She needed to get out, she thought, and headed for the door. ‘I’ll talk to you in a few days—’
‘I love you, Leyna.’
She froze. Her heart pumped uncontrollably in her chest and she lifted a hand, rested it there in hopes of getting it to slow. She didn’t turn back when she heard him walk towards her, and took a deep breath when she felt him behind her.
‘Leyna, I said—’
‘I heard what you said.’ She whirled around. ‘I heard what you said, you selfish, selfish man.’
His face twisted in surprise. ‘What?’
‘I said you’re selfish. And you are.’ She stepped around him and began to pace the room. ‘Just because you’ve had some sort of...revelation doesn’t mean you get to do this to me.’
‘Leyna, I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘I’m talking about putting me in this position. Telling me you love me and expecting me to believe you.’
‘But—’
‘Because I can’t believe you, Xavier. I can’t. I did once, and look where that got me.’
‘That’s not fair,’ he said, and she could hear the anger.
‘Neither is this.’ She stopped. ‘And so I’m not going to accept it. None of it. Not the fact that you think this marriage was meant to be, and not the fact that you’re in love with me. Because you’re not.’
‘I am,’ he shot back. ‘Don’t you dare say that I’m not.’
‘Even when it’s the truth? Because, like I told you about Erika, Xavier, people who love you don’t leave.’
‘So you’re blaming me for leaving? Again?’ He shook his head. ‘I thought we were past this, Leyna. And if I can’t blame you for pushing me away, you can’t blame me for walking away.’
‘Yes!’ she sobbed. ‘Yes, I can. Because I loved you with all my heart and it broke me, it broke me when you left. I can’t do that to myself again. I won’t.’ She wiped impatiently at tears. ‘I won’t do that to our child either.’
He watched her in silence and she turned away from him, not wanting him to see any more of the tears that had come from nowhere. The anger inside her settled in the quiet, and she felt embarrassment take its place.
But she didn’t have to deal with it in front of him and she walked to the door, only stopping when Xavier threw his body in front of it.
‘Get out of my way.’
‘No.’
‘Xavier, I just want to... Please don’t do this to me.’
‘But this isn’t me, Leyna,’ he said seriously. ‘This is you, and the fact that you think all of this is because of me leaving when in actual fact it’s because of your mother.’
‘No, it’s not,’ she said immediately. Automatically.
‘Yes, it is,’ he insisted. ‘You keep saying that people who love you don’t leave. And you know what happened with me—with our situation—was different, so this has to be about your mother.’
She shook her head, but didn’t speak.
‘Finding out you’re going to be a mother, too, must have brought all these feelings back again, Leyna. And that’s fine. Absolutely fine. But you have to deal with them.’
‘There’s nothing to deal with,’ she whispered, and felt the tears roll down her cheeks.
‘Oh, baby,’ he said, and pulled her into his arms.
The sobs came then—heart-wrenching sobs that she couldn’t believe were coming from her. It was as if something had loosened inside her and as she cried, as she felt Xavier’s arms tighten around her, she realised it was the same thing that had been stuck in her heart, in her throat, since her last conversation with him.
She’d thought she’d dealt with it. She’d thought that it was just because she didn’t want to be the same kind of mother her own mother had been. Because
she wanted to give her child more. And, though that was true, the tears that wouldn’t stop, the sobs that broke as much as they healed, told her there was more.
Since she was standing in Xavier’s arms, refusing his love because of it, she knew it had something to do with him, too. But she only realised it when her sobs subsided, when the tears dried, what felt like hours later.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, stepping back.
‘You don’t have to apologise,’ he replied, and she saw his body tense, as though he wanted to move forward but couldn’t.
She’d put up boundaries, she realised. Not intentionally. But by stepping away from him she was telling him she didn’t want his comfort. And while that wasn’t entirely true, it was probably for the best. Because until she got through what she had to say, she didn’t want him distracting her with his touch.
She was about to excuse herself to find something to mop up the remainder of her tears when he offered her a handkerchief. It was so sweet, so gentlemanly, so old-fashioned, that she had to bite her lip to keep from smiling. She turned away from him, tidied up her face and took a deep, steadying breath before she turned back.
‘I do have to apologise, Xavier. Because you’re right, I have been taking this all out on you when it wasn’t really about you.’ She tilted her head, considered. ‘No, that’s not true. It was—is—about you, too. But only because I’m... I’m afraid. You make me afraid.’ She took another breath. ‘Just like you did ten years ago.’
He nodded. ‘You were afraid you would lose me.’
‘Yes, I was. But...’ She bit her lip, closed her eyes, and then spoke before she lost the courage. ‘I was also terrified you would destroy me.’ She opened her eyes then, and saw him try to mask his surprise.
‘Why?’ was all he asked.
‘Look what happened to my mother, Xavier.’ She rubbed a hand under her neck and then fisted it there, grabbing the top of the dress she wore. ‘She loved my father very much, and it destroyed her when he died. It made her forget her responsibilities to what had become her kingdom, her home, too.’
‘And she ran from her biggest responsibility,’ he said, and his eyes told her that he understood. ‘You.’
She nodded slowly. ‘Yes. I didn’t see before, and perhaps never would have if you hadn’t pushed. Don’t get cocky about it,’ she said with a small smile when she saw his lips curve.
‘Never,’ he promised, and her smile widened for a moment before sobering.
‘I think it was more than running from her responsibilities. I think it was, plain and simple, that love destroyed who she was. It happened to my grandmother, too. She used to be happy,’ Leyna said, suddenly remembering a time long ago when her grandmother had smiled. ‘She never used to be the unsupportive, unkind person she is now. But she lost my grandfather, and then my father...’ She lifted her shoulders. ‘And she blamed love. And because I was afraid of so much—of the crown weighing as much on me as it had on my father, of loving you, of losing you, of having it all change me, destroy me, of failing—I think it was just easier for me to blame love, too.’
Leyna shrugged again. ‘My grandmother was the closest thing I had to a family—to the family I once had, Xav—that I just accepted what she said. And I pushed you away and focused on my duty, because duty was constant, stable. And if it changed me, at least it wouldn’t destroy me. At least that’s what I thought.’
‘You’ve changed your mind now?’
‘Yes. Because it did destroy a part of me. The one that longed—dreamed—for a life where family and duty were equally important. A life where I could be married to you and have our children and rule together.’
‘But then it brought you that life anyway,’ he said, and it was hard to ignore the hope in his voice, on his face.
‘It did.’
‘And you’re not afraid any more? Of any of it?’
She lifted her eyes to his. ‘I know what my life looks like if I live it in fear. I know what it looks like without you. I don’t want to live like that any more.’
He walked towards her, stopping only a few centimetres away. ‘Is that a declaration of love?’
‘Yes.’
Hesitantly, she slid her hands around his waist and felt the ripple of his muscles beneath them. Her heart thudded.
‘Tell me again,’ she whispered.
He lifted a hand and brushed the hair from her face. ‘I love you.’
‘And you mean it.’
‘I don’t think I’ve ever meant anything more in my life.’ His eyes shone with sincerity. With hope. With love. ‘I love you.’
‘And you’re not just saying that because of the baby?’
‘I’m not just saying that because of the baby. Though that does make me love you more.’ His arms went around her now. ‘You’re going to be an amazing mother, Leyna. Just like you’re an amazing queen.’ He smiled at her. ‘Our child will grow up to see a strong, compassionate woman be a mother and queen, and do both with the courage and grace I see in you.’
His words soothed a decades-old hurt, and she felt light. She felt happy. Real, genuine happiness that made her feel normal. The first real bit of excitement about her future, about her child, crept up her spine, settling in her heart. And she realised that the menacing feeling had disappeared from her chest.
‘And our child—our children—will grow up according to standards we help them set for themselves. Of course, we’ll teach them about what their duties will mean for their lives, but we’ll allow them to figure it out for themselves. We’ll guide, not compare. They’ll be their own version of great. Just like you are. And we won’t ever have to tell them to live up to you. Though they might want to,’ she teased, and gave him a smile she hoped told him she loved him just the way he was.
‘I love you, Leyna.’
‘How many times are you going to say that?’ she whispered, and felt her smile softening.
‘As many times as it takes for you to say it back to me.’ He pulled her in closer, and put his mouth next to her ear. ‘Say that you love me, Leyna. Let’s finally be happy together.’
‘You’ll have to say it again.’ When he pulled back, she grinned at him. ‘You said you’ll say it as many times as necessary. So...say it again.’
He narrowed his eyes. ‘I love you.’
‘Again.’
‘I love you.’
‘One more time.’
He grinned now, and rested his forehead on hers. ‘I love you, Leyna, Queen of Aidara.’
She bit her lip, holding back tears. If he asked her about it, she would blame it on the hormones. ‘I want to tell you how I feel, but if I don’t you’ll have to tell me you love me on my every whim for the rest of your life.’
‘What if I tell you I’ll do that anyway?’
‘That’ll work,’ she said, and felt her lips curving as her heart finally, finally felt whole again. ‘I love you, Xavier, King of—’
His lips were on hers before she could finish.
Chapter Eighteen
‘ARE YOU SURE you want to do this?’ Leyna asked Nalini. ‘I know we’ve asked you that a million times, and you must be so annoyed by it at this point, but we can make a plan if you don’t.’
Xavier didn’t bother voicing his opinion on the matter. He’d already told Nalini that she could back out whenever she wanted to. As Leyna had said, they would deal with the repercussions if she did. But his sister was still being stubborn, insisting on going through with the plan.
‘You want me to disappoint my future husband when he’s on his way here? Right now?’ Nalini teased, but Xavier heard the nerves in her voice. ‘Let me do my part for the kingdom. For the alliance. I serve our people, too, you know.’
‘Of course I know,’ Xavier answered her. But he couldn’t keep himself from adding, ‘You do still have a choice in this. Now tha
t we’ve entered into discussions with Zacchaeus about the Protection clause, we know Kirtida is facing sanctions from Macoa. We could use that as leverage to get him—’
‘No, Xavier,’ Nalini said firmly. ‘That’s not the way we do things.’
His lips curved into a half-smile. ‘You still think you know better than me, don’t you?’
‘I know the kind of king you are,’ she corrected. ‘That isn’t it.’
When he looked over at Leyna, she lifted her shoulders. ‘Nalini’s right. Besides, if Kirtida faces sanctions from Macoa, it impacts Aidara and Mattan, too. The alliance dictates our trade deals.’
‘What concerns me about it is that Macoa knows that,’ Xavier said, not for the first time. But it made him feel better to say it out loud. ‘So their threat to impose sanctions on Kirtida is essentially a threat against the alliance.’
‘Which means that negotiating with Zacchaeus is the best option,’ Leyna replied, not for the first time either. ‘Not blackmail.’ She winked at him, and he felt his heart contract in the way it always had with her.
He knew that Macoa threatening Kirtida with sanctions didn’t make sense. They had been an ally and business partner to the Alliance of the Three Isles for decades, and Zacchaeus’ explanation that their gripe with Kirtida was personal hadn’t been enough for Xavier. Especially since Xavier suspected, after dealing with Zacchaeus over the last week, that it had something to do with the coup that had started it all.
But Nalini was right. He wasn’t the kind of king who would betray those who trusted him. And, to all intents and purposes, it seemed that Zacchaeus did trust him. Not enough to give them the details of the personal issue Macoa had with Kirtida, but enough to reveal that there was a personal issue. And to negotiate with them on how best to protect their kingdoms in light of it.
It seemed that Xavier and Leyna could trust Zacchaeus, too. He had given them the time to discuss their decision—or, in reality, to wait for the pregnancy test results—including the two days Xavier and Leyna had taken to sort through their personal feelings. He’d also told them the threat from Macoa had only been made once, and that though there had been no actions since to indicate they would act on it, he believed they would.
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