“You’re not going. That is my final word on the subject.”
So tired of having everyone make decisions for her, Kate pulled back her shoulders and planted her slippers a few inches apart. “Do you understand that I must go? How will it look if Claire has no one to stand with her?”
“But he will be there.”
Kate bristled. “Yes, I’m well aware that Lord Wesley will be there. But it will look even more dubious if I do not attend my cousin’s wedding. People will assume the worst of the rumors.”
She was still chaste, still innocent in the eyes of some. It was her heart that had suffered the most damage. She scoffed to herself. Had she not learned her lesson with Arthur? Oh, the irony of her defeat. She’d vowed for so long to stay away from love. Then, in a matter of a week, had succumbed to the affliction with devastating circumstances.
“Very well, but you will not engage in any conversation with him,” her father warned. “And you will choose who you will marry before the next fortnight, for marrying is your only course now.”
Crushed by her father’s declaration, Kate wished she had received at least one letter from the families she’d written to regarding a governess position. She’d have an excuse to leave then, to run away from the pain and Lord Wesley. The marquess was likely just as enthusiastic about seeing her as she was about seeing him. Although she didn’t expect a letter of explanation for what he’d done, she found herself disappointed when one had not arrived. It only served to prove that he only pretended to care for her to regain the rights to his property. She was, indeed, a pawn, a means to an end, nothing else. Still, she had to hold her head straight and high. She had no one to blame but herself. Well, no one else but her and Edward.
She held back a groan, realizing Edward was the only man who wouldn’t make her completely miserable. Of course, the only person she told of her choice was Claire.
“Please give my decision to your brother when you see him in Bath,” Kate had said while handing the woman a small letter, sealed to maintain its privacy.
Claire, who had become an unlikely confidant and ally through Kate’s misery, clucked and tsked before voicing her opinion on the matter. “You should not have to marry someone you don’t love, and it’s quite obvious you’re not in love with Edward.”
“Shhh,” Kate scolded Claire. “Can you please be a little quieter?”
Claire ignored her. “You might be able to lie to your parents, and to Edward, for that matter, but you will not stand there and lie to me. Were you, and are you still now, in love with Lord Wesley?”
Kate drew back from the shock of her cousin’s question. In her silence, Claire reached her own conclusions.
“Please,” Kate begged.
Claire blew out an exasperated breath before snatching the letter from Kate’s fingers. “Very well. I will do what must be done.”
Uneasy about her cousin’s words, Kate forced a smile and nodded. Soon after, her father met her in the parlor to discuss the matter of Claire and Arthur’s wedding.
“I believe I’ve been fair and patient with you regarding your future, Kate. Since Mr. Leisure assures me that nothing has changed his mind about your union, despite the rumors of your indiscretions, and you have not yet given an answer to your cousin, be prepared for me to announce your union, either way, in the very near future.”
Kate sat quietly with her eyes downcast. The longer she held off telling her father, the longer she felt independent and free.
“Furthermore, since Lord Wesley is to stand as Mr. Rourke’s witness, you have been warned about not saying a word to him or even making eye contact.”
Kate closed her eyes for a brief moment. Her father was being ridiculous and unreasonable. “I can assure you, we have nothing to say to each other, Papa, but how can I avoid glancing at the man?”
“I mean it, child. If you make eye contact with his lordship, I will no longer give you an option of who you marry. Although Edward is an amiable man, he is not my first choice. Make no mistake, if you disobey me, the banns will be announced, and you will be married to Mr. Leisure before Claire and Mr. Rourke return from their honeymoon in Bath.”
Kate let her shoulders drop. Trapped. As well, she believed ignoring Lord Wesley’s presence would take some effort and would prove more strength than she thought she possessed.
“Have I made myself perfectly clear?”
Kate nodded, wishing she owned a pair of spectacles dark enough to disguise her gaze from everyone, especially her father and his lordship.
The next morning, Kate set about calming her erratic aunt and chirping cousins. At the church, the Garretts sat in the first pew, half with scowls, half with handkerchiefs raised to their moist eyes.
Numb from her father’s threat and the misfortunate events leading to today, Kate stood at the back of the church, waiting for Claire to present herself. From the shuffles and murmuring, the woman was already a few minutes late.
For a brief moment, Kate let her eyes close. Behind her, the open doors allowed the breeze to cool the warm church. She swayed forward, allowing the earthy air to pull her into another place and time. Then a shadow fell over her, forcing her eyelids to open wide. Her heart slammed hard against her chest. Through the blistering morning chaos, she had neglected to prepare herself for this moment. She let out a slow breath and focused her attention on the rafters and then Mr. Bartram, who stood quiet, composed, and curious only two feet away.
Oh, Kate wanted to hate Lord Wesley with her entire being. She wanted to pretend his presence did nothing but infuriate her. However, all the wants in the world did not change the fact that she loved him.
“Miss Holden.” She cast her gaze downward, toward the planked floor and a scattering of orange leaves dancing about the slender aisle. As long as she didn’t acknowledge him or turn to gaze into his questioning eyes, she’d be safe to marry whomever she chose, to a narrow extent.
“I have tried to forget you.”
Kate almost choked on her sudden inhale. She fisted her hands and fought the control not to twist and kick him in the shin. How dare he say such a thing. He was the one, with his misguided and corrupt plans, who stole her heart and then tore it into a million pieces. Did he say those words to mock her situation?
“You have nothing to say to that, madam?”
She wanted to shake her head but feared her father would take the subtle movement as a victory regarding his apprentice. She looked toward the front of the church where her father sat beside her mother, their backs straight and their heads forward.
Please go away. She said the words in her mind, begging Lord Wesley to leave her alone, begging her body not to lean back in order to feel more of his heat.
An unsteady heartbeat later, he shifted to stand in front of her, his strong features harsh and his eyes showing a brilliant intensity. She believed he was stealing a piece of her tortured soul. Remembering her father’s words, she dropped her gaze to his lordship’s chest where it rose quick and shallow.
“Please,” she mouthed, hoping he could hear the desperation in her quiet plea.
“Look at me.” His whispered command almost made her melt into a puddle of muslin and tears. Once strong and determined when it came to her future and the opposite sex, she stood trembling and unsure.
Forever, her heart would beat for Lord Wesley. It was a tragic and humbling realization. The worst part was how she believed he’d come to feel some affection for her. Although she had very little experience with men, her soul told her Lord Wesley’s kisses were more than a means to an end. He would not be standing in front of her now, begging her to look at him, if she had been only a pawn to regain the rights to his property.
“Look at me,” he commanded again, his words breaking under the power of his plea.
Praying her father didn’t see, she mouthed only two words. “I cannot.”
Unable to bear the weight of the moment any longer, she stepped away, weak-kneed and on the verge of crumbling. Sh
e didn’t stop until she’d reached the side of the church, falling against the cold and jagged stone. Seeing his lordship again was nothing like she’d expected. Before yesterday, she’d planned to be brave and indifferent. However, in a matter of a few breaths, she’d stood, cowering like a child from her feelings and her father’s plans for her.
“Oh bother.” She murmured into the fresh autumn air. She tipped her head back and let the sun kiss her face, trying not to interpret Lord Wesley’s words.
“That wasn’t a good enough answer.”
Kate snapped her eyes open and her head forward. Standing before her, with a scowl on his magnificent face, was the man she was forbidden to see. Frantic someone might find them together, she seized his arm and began pulling him around the back of the church.
Once they had settled into an alcove that shadowed both of them from any passersby, she lifted a finger to scold him. “Are you determined to condemn me to hell?”
He wrapped his hands around her upper arms, and she felt his fingers trembling through the thin sleeve of her dress.
“The same hell you’ve condemned me to, madam?”
She tried to push away, but his determination surpassed hers. “Why are you doing this?” she said, her throat thick with tears. “Do you hate me so much as to—”
Lord Wesley crushed his mouth to hers. The pressure and urgency in his kiss made her cling to him in ardent desperation. Her heart played tug-of-war with her mind, plunging her will into submission.
Unbridled need conquered self-control as she allowed his lips to urge hers apart. She welcomed his tongue—hot, searching, and masterful. His arms wove around her back, bringing her closer. She gasped, his arousal large and throbbing against her abdomen.
“You do this to me,” he said hoarsely before capturing her mouth once again. The blood in Kate’s veins rushed like a white, turbulent river. Every angry and resentful thought of him washed away in a clamoring heartbeat.
Her body on fire, she welcomed the cold stone pressing into her back. Nothing else mattered beyond this instance. Not the past, nor her dismal future. Just this delirious moment where their two hearts beat in wild, glorious rhythm together.
Despite what she knew, she didn’t feel like a victim with the marquess. She felt strong and independent, worthy and alive. She lifted higher to accept more of his kiss as he cradled her head in one hand. His tongue slid deeper inside her, dancing with possessive persuasion and drugging slowness. He tasted of apples and sweet, potent wine.
She sighed against his mouth, lost and floating. She was his. Now. Forever. She allowed him to guide her backward so her shoulders rested against the damp stone of the church. One hand cradled her head in a gentle hold. The other splayed across her back to nudge her body closer to his.
The hardness of his torso rubbed against the thin fabric of her dress. Her breasts tingled and ached from the glorious friction. Without thinking, she reached up to fumble with the buttons on his waistcoat. She wanted to feel the warmth of his skin and taste the spiciness of his chest.
“Kate, God… No,” he rasped while grasping her fingers and separating the two of them. “I want you, but not here. Not like this.” His words shook with restraint.
She drew back to find his face etched in tortured lines and shadows. As if awoken from a horrific dream, she began to push at him, her heart pummeling and her head dizzy. In a matter of moments, she’d forgotten how he’d used her. How he’d lied to her. Why did she continue to torture herself with men who had no good intentions for her future?
“What have I done?” she whispered, lifting her hand to cover her mouth.
“Kate.”
She shook her head. “Do not dare address me by my first name again, my lord.” She hiccuped the last word and stepped forward to escape the enclosed space.
She didn’t get very far before Lord Wesley’s hand reached out to wrap around her wrist. His grip was firm and steady. He brought her hip against the front of his body and rested his forehead against her temple. His husky voice tore a shiver of wanting down her spine.
“Believe it or not, I didn’t follow you here to seduce you.”
Kate didn’t know what to believe, or who to trust. Her damn heart was the traitor at the moment. “Then…why did you follow me?”
He hesitated before turning her to face him. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
She wanted to scoff at him, but the severe expression on his face kept her from making a sound. Instead, she bowed her head and collected her thoughts. For too many years, she’d let the actions of others choreograph her next move. Not one step was of her own will. Perhaps it was because she was afraid she might trip or sprain her ankle if she went too far in one direction. There was no doubt she’d placed so many safety nets out, she expected not to get hurt the next time she fell. She was very wrong.
“What could you possibly tell me that would change anything at this point? What’s done is done.” How she said the words without turning them into loud sobs, she didn’t know.
“Kate…Miss Holden—”
“No!” she scolded. She braced herself and spoke her mind…and her heart. “I will no longer lie to myself nor deny that I will most likely go to my grave still in love with you.”
He reached for her, and she smacked his hand away. “You had many opportunities to tell me the truth. Yet you remained silent and deceitful. Although part of me cannot blame you after what my cousin proposed, I will forever wonder what could have been if you cared for me as much as you cared for Penndrake.”
She smashed her lips together to keep them from trembling. “I’m not sure what my life holds, but I will not cower from my feelings or regret them again.” She stuttered an inhale. “Looking back, I will not dwell on what I should or should not have done. Looking forward, I will not take the simplest and easiest path in order to avoid a painful fall. Goodbye, my lord.”
He stared at her for a good few seconds before bowing and pivoting to let her go. She thought he might argue with her or pull her back into his arms. He didn’t.
This time, she allowed the tears to stream down her face. When she returned to the church entrance, she was greeted by Edward, who was not at all happy to see her. He grasped her by the upper arm and pulled her out of earshot of the anxious guests. “Where have you been?”
She didn’t have to answer since he’d drawn the right conclusion in a matter of a few heartbeats.
“I will not allow you to throw your life away on a man with such careless morals.”
Kate twisted out of Edward’s hold. “Careless morals? Have you not looked in a mirror, cousin? If anyone is careless around here, it would be you. You’re the one who blackmailed the marquess into marrying me. I don’t half blame him for wanting to destroy us for that.”
“It was for your own good.”
“No. It was for your own good. All I wanted was to be happy.”
“As a governess?”
Kate sighed hard and loud. “Yes. It might have been a bad decision, but it was my own. However, because of your interference, I felt my heart soar and then plummet all in a matter of days.”
Unable to say anything else, she turned away.
The wedding ceremony was one of the most beautiful she’d ever attended. Despite the rumors, Claire and Arthur looked genuinely happy and content. Her cousin even stooped down to wipe the nose of her now youngest child by marriage, Jane. An adorable creature with her father’s eyes and smile.
Regarding his lordship, Kate felt the moment he left the church. She realized between the alcove and the marriage vows, she’d made a grave mistake in accepting Edward’s proposal. Claire, of all people, was right. Kate could never make him happy, and he’d never make her happy. For this reason, she made sure to catch the bride before she disappeared with Arthur inside the decorated carriage.
“Claire, please, I need to see the letter I gave to you.”
Claire shook her head and leaned down so her husband could not hear
. “I do not have it.”
The blood drained from Kate’s face, forcing her to grasp her cousin’s arm to keep from swaying. “Oh dear God,” she murmured. Edward would surely hate her now. First, to deny him and then to accept him, only to deny him again. Despite the dismal knowledge, she held out hope he’d yet to read her words.
“When did you give it to him then?”
Claire smiled. “Oh, I didn’t give it to Edward.” That’s all she said before giving Kate a quick pat on her cheek with an affectionate gloved hand.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Wesley’s stomach balled into a tight knot between the time he left the church and the moment he stepped back onto Penndrake grounds. He stomped from the stables and strode to his study, his mouth still tasting the sweet tartness of Kate’s delicious tongue.
He let go a few curse words before sinking down into the leather chair and pushing forward to stare into the flickering fire a few feet away. He didn’t want to believe today was the last time he’d see Kate Holden. His devilish intentions had, indeed, sent him straight to hell.
He exhaled and dropped his chin to his chest, unable to gaze upon the family crest. Of course, his attention drew right away to the folded parchment upon his desk. He’d yet to break the seal, tortured by his thoughts and what lay waiting for him to read.
He shook his head, remembering the unusual visit the night before.
“Miss Garrett and Miss Deidra, to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?” he’d asked, upon looking up to find them in his study’s doorway.
Claire was the one to speak, unsmiling and unreserved, a letter in her hand. “I came only to present you with this.”
He was so sick of receiving the damnable things, he almost ordered the women to leave.
She slinked forward, wearing a navy blue cloak and her clunky engagement ring. He hesitated to take what she offered, unsure if the letter entailed a threat or a compromise.
A Mistress for Penndrake Page 24