He struggled, and while it was hard to watch, it revealed a lot about our son’s strength of character. We weren’t even aware of the cursing and the rejection of his Christian classmates, so we weren’t on his case about these bad decisions. The impressive thing is that Nick eventually realized he’d made those mistakes, and he self-corrected. The ability to do that is critical to success in life. Once we become adults, the quality of our decisions has a major impact on the quality of our lives. Our parents aren’t there to steer us and show us the way. We have to figure things out for ourselves. We all make mistakes, so it is critical that we also become capable of admitting them and changing our behavior to get better results.
Nick checked his actions against the root values he’d grown up with, and he put himself back in line with those values. This was a major step toward growing the wings necessary to fly on his own as a young man. Once Nick quit trying to be what he thought others wanted him to be, his classmates were drawn to him. He made friends and became a leader in his school.
As I noted earlier, his success in the mainstream of the education system throughout his school years brought Nick a lot of media attention. One of my favorite headlines from his school days hailed him as “Captain Courageous.” We liked that. Dushka and I were always impressed that Nick did so well when interviewed by the media. He didn’t dwell on his own achievements, but instead he humbly encouraged other special-needs kids to stand strong and share their talents and gifts. Perhaps my favorite newspaper quote from Nick during his school years was this simple, uplifting response he gave to a reporter who asked what his election to school captain meant to other kids with disabilities.
“All wheelchair kids, I reckon, should just give everything a go!” he said.
His message was “We have value. We are just like everyone else. Don’t segregate us. Don’t label us. Don’t put limits on us. Allow us to show you what we can do despite the challenges of our disabilities.” Through his example, Nick taught us all a great deal about the power of removing labels and limits on the disabled and giving them the freedom to flourish.
TARGETED BY BULLIES
With the freedom of being in the mainstream comes exposure to both the good and the bad, of course. Because he changed schools several times as we moved around, he spent more time than most as “the new kid.” This role is never easy, and you can only imagine how difficult it was to be the new kid who has no arms and no legs.
When we moved from Melbourne to Brisbane, to the United States, and then back to Brisbane, we did so to try to make life better for Nick. Unfortunately it didn’t always work out that way. When we first moved to Brisbane, he went through a long period of isolation. He was hesitant to speak up or to reach out and try to make friends. He withdrew and tended to stay to himself at first. He often talks about how he hid in the bushes on the playground or in a corner of the classroom.
Nick had been a star student at Keilor Downs; it was difficult for him to be ignored or anonymous. He was hesitant to speak up or to extend himself to make friends. This was the period when Nick began to obsess over his future and his purpose. He went through a period of despair. He was afraid he’d always be a burden on us. These dark thoughts drove him to attempt suicide.
He has written in his own books that a contributing factor to his suicidal thoughts was bullying from schoolmates. His most infamous bullying encounter occurred in the first grade at Keilor Downs, and it culminated in a dramatic playground fight. Neither Dushka nor I were present so we can only take Nick’s word for it, but he claims to have vanquished his much larger opponent by head-butting him in the nose.
This fight, which has taken on mythological status among our son’s fans, led to the creation of a favorite Nick motto: “Armless, but not harmless.” While he is a major advocate of nonviolence, Nick maintains that the first-grade bully gave him no choice but to defend himself. He kept goading Nick and threatening to beat him up. It was Nick’s first and last fight. We are very grateful that he retired from the ring undefeated.
Nick’s account of that fight is actually quite funny to read or hear about, but I don’t want to make light of bullying or its impact on Nick and other victims. There were several instances in grade school and high school when Nick felt so intimidated and fearful that he did not want to leave the house.
Bullies are often the victims of bullying themselves. They inflict suffering on others because older siblings, other kids, or cruel parents have tormented them. Some bullies, though, are just mean spirited. It’s also true that a few are misguided. They mistakenly believe their taunts and shoves are little more than teasing or kidding around.
Just as there are different types of bullies, there are a number of ways for dealing with them. We never advised Nick to try to fight bullies who wanted to hurt him physically. Instead, we told him to report them to his teachers and school administrators while staying out of their reach.
STANDING STRONG
Nick faced bullies who intimidated him for long periods, but in most cases, he stood up for himself in some fashion. I wouldn’t recommend that parents advise their children to fight or confront bullies. Instead, the best tactic is to seek the support of school administrators and the protection of teachers and friends.
Still, Nick did manage to rid himself of one bully who made his life miserable for a while in high school. He was mortified when this classmate began yelling out the same nasty taunt every time he saw our son in the hallways or on campus. Nick tried to avoid his tormentor as much as possible, which was wise. When the harassment went on for several weeks, Nick finally confronted his bully. He told him that his words were hurtful and asked him to stop. I think Nick was surprised when the bully seemed contrite and said he’d really meant no harm. The other guy claimed he was just kidding him, and he promptly stopped after Nick asked him to end the taunting.
Even when that bullying episode ended, it bothered Nick that no other students had stood up for him. Few kids escape bullying altogether while growing up. Studies have found that kids with disabilities and special needs are targeted more than others. Bullies tend to focus on an individual’s weaknesses or anything that makes them different or especially vulnerable.
Dushka and I tried to be supportive and put things in perspective for Nick. We urged him to filter out cruel comments, whether they were intentional or not. We told him not to take taunts or shunning to heart. The best revenge in those cases, we said, is to have fun with people who do enjoy his company.
The fact is that parents can only do so much to protect and insulate their children from bullying and cruelty during their school years. We also felt that to some degree, it was good for Nick to understand that in the real world, not everyone would love and accept him. A hard heart is not a good thing, but a tough skin can be a real asset. We never allowed Nick to hide from bullies by skipping school. As a result, he developed a courageous spirit.
Thanks to the efforts of antibullying campaigns and advocates like Nick, awareness has increased in recent years. School administrators, parents, and kids realize that bullying is a serious issue. This movement to stop bullying was inspired by growing concern that kids around the world were being terrorized and even pushed to suicide by verbal, physical, and online bullying.
CAMPAIGNING AGAINST CRUELTY
Bullying affects nearly every family to some degree, but it is particularly heartbreaking for those with disabled and special-needs kids because our children already have substantial burdens. Cruelty from their peers can threaten to destroy all the efforts parents put into building self-esteem and strong character in their kids.
It is heartening to see more and more schools bring this issue to the forefront with active antibullying programs. Our hearts soar when we see students reach out to their disabled classmates, protect them, and make them feel welcome and valued. One of the great things about mainstreaming our children is that other students learn that special-needs kids are individuals too. They get to know the unique peopl
e who are more than their disabilities and challenges. They see that they have strong personalities along with talents and gifts to give the world.
Nick and other antibullying activists encourage young people to embrace their disabled classmates rather than isolate them. We can learn from each other, certainly. In his antibullying book, Stand Strong, Nick offers many lessons that kids can use to protect themselves against bullying. I won’t repeat them here. I do advise parents of special-needs school-age kids that their best offense can be a good defense. The best way you can prepare your child to handle bullying effectively is to help him build a strong sense of his own value in this world. Let him know he is loved and worthy of love. Help him identify his talents and gifts and guide him in building upon them so he sees that he has a purpose in this world.
When you discipline your special-needs child, try to do it without criticizing her or belittling her because that only takes away from her self-esteem and makes her more vulnerable to the cruelty of bullies. Most of all, keep your lines of communication open and spend time observing your child among her classmates so that if bullying is occurring, you can pick up on it and stop it before it escalates.
Kids with mental disabilities sometimes don’t understand that they are being bullied. They may not have the ability to discern when a bully is pretending to be their friend but is actually taking advantage of them or ridiculing them. That is another reason it is so important for parents to stay engaged and monitor their children’s relationships closely. We tried to avoid becoming helicopter parents hovering over Nick, but we made an effort to talk regularly with his teachers and many of his classmates on a regular basis.
If children have difficulty communicating emotions, you can ask them to make drawings of happy or sad faces or to use their favorite possession to act out their school days and their interactions with other students. Encourage them to keep a journal that you can read with them, or ask them to give you a top-ten list of how their school week went.
I’ve seen other special-needs kids respond with great enthusiasm to my son’s antibullying videos, which you can find on YouTube or on the websites for his Stand Strong book and for his organizations, Life Without Limbs and Attitude Is Altitude. Nick has been there, and he has great advice and encouragement to offer kids who are dealing with bullies.
Nick encourages special-needs and disabled students to be comfortable with themselves and to dare to reach out to other kids. He also advocates that they be proactive. He tells young people who are feeling down to counter their despair by reaching out and helping others. His positive message empowers them to be the miracle they seek, to help someone else find the healing they want for themselves. You can’t ever go wrong following that advice.
PROTECTING EACH OTHER
Some kids are bullied because they are short, have pimples, or lack athletic ability. Imagine what it must have been like for Nick as a teen who was so very different from all his classmates. He was in his midtwenties before he met another person born with no arms and no legs. He was often the only student in a wheelchair in his school. He wrote and typed and drew with a little foot that was unlike anything his classmates had ever seen. Nick was different in ways that could not be hidden from sight. He couldn’t just blend in.
When they first met Nick, it was natural for his classmates to stare at him, be wary of him, and ask questions that sometimes embarrassed him. He is so unusual in appearance that we told him he should expect the other kids to act that way. Our advice was for him to show them he was just a normal kid who skateboarded, played video games, and loved movies.
“Talk to them. Joke with them. Show them that you are just like them in every other way,” we said.
It took courage for Nick to do that. Some days he didn’t want to leave the house. We felt his pain, but we told him that he could not hide from the world. Dushka and I assured him that he could win acceptance if he showed strength and believed in himself.
“If you want people to be a friend to you, then be a friend to them,” we said. “You can’t expect kindness and understanding if you don’t give it. You reap what you sow.”
Nick had some rough patches, but in general, he thrived as a mainstream student. He had bad days, even bad weeks and months, yet he learned to persevere and to prove himself. Dushka and I were proud of him because Nick didn’t just stand strong; he stood out and became a leader in his school years.
One of our favorite memories of those times occurred during his first year in primary school. Dushka and I were deeply moved when we visited the school and observed Nick’s first-grade classmates joking with him, carrying his school bags, and working with him on projects. We were also a bit surprised when Nick came home a few days later and announced that he’d won a marbles match on the playground.
“How do you play marbles?” Dushka asked.
“I roll my marble with my foot, and if I hit someone else’s marble, I get to keep it,” he said.
Then he held up a large bag fairly bursting with his hard-won marbles.
That’s our son. He always goes for all the marbles!
• As with medical matters, we recommend that parents see themselves as active advocates for the education of their disabled children. You cannot assume that any principal, teacher, teacher’s aide, classmate, or classmate’s parent cares as much about your child or knows your child as well as you do.
• We found that the best approach was to enlist school administrators, teachers, and teachers’ aides in a Team Nick program that included regular communication, coordination of schedules, and a clear understanding of our child’s needs, expectations, strengths, weaknesses, and goals.
• We tried never to openly criticize or be combative with teachers even if we disagreed with them, because we did not want them to treat Nick poorly or resent him.
• We were quite involved in school activities and programs to show that we were engaged in our child’s education.
• It can be daunting these days, but we recommend that parents understand the laws and regulations regarding the rights of disabled children and the requirements for educating them in their school system.
• Keep detailed records of your child’s grades, assessment tests, and communications with school administrators and teachers.
• Make an effort to be aware of government funding, charitable organizations, and special programs that can benefit the disabled in your school system. Your child may be eligible for more help than you might think.
• Closely monitor your child’s moods and attitude toward school so you can detect if bullying is an issue. Talk to your child regularly about how he or she gets along with classmates and consult with the teacher and school administrators if you suspect there is a problem.
The “take it day by day” parenting approach we adapted early on with Nick was a defensive move on our part. We had to raise Nick. We couldn’t spend our days fretting about his future. Neither of us could imagine back then how a person without limbs might support himself in adulthood. That approach had to change once Nick entered his teen years. With adulthood approaching, we shifted our focus to helping our son find a career path.
We felt a responsibility to give Nick and all our children roots and wings. The term roots refers to providing a child with a solid foundation that typically includes knowing that he is loved and valued along with basic life skills, a sense of personal responsibility, a strong value system, and a spiritual base.
The term wings refers to what happens after you provide that foundation and a child reaches adulthood. It is then time to step back and give the child room to grow, to make mistakes and learn from them, and eventually, to become independent and self-sufficient. If your children are capable and competent, the goal with roots and wings is to one day see them leave the nest and fly on their own as self-supporting and successful adults.
Parents with disabled and special-needs kids often say that next to the initial diagnosis period, the greatest challenges come when
their children are done with school and enter adulthood. Many special-needs kids can never attain complete independence because of substantial physical and mental challenges. Their parents and families often face difficult decisions, though there seem to be greater opportunities today for many to live independently with assistance from caregivers or special housing, community living, and group homes.
Our initial concerns that Nick might never be able to support himself were dispelled when he proved to be a good student with an entrepreneurial drive. We thought he would always need a caregiver to assist him, but he also proved to be remarkably independent in many ways.
Parents want the best for their children, and we tend to be more conservative in our vision for their futures. I thought Nick’s lack of limbs would restrict him to some sort of office job. He had more ambitious dreams, as it turned out.
When Nick entered his high school years, we still had no solid grasp of how our son would live independently. We prayed for guidance, and in the meantime, we did our best to make sure he studied and took classes that gave him a good basic education to build upon. Our goal was simply to help him attain self-sufficiency by finding a career path that he could follow to whatever heights he wanted to achieve. This is the goal of most parents for their children. We weren’t about to force him into doing something that did not interest him, so we talked with him about his interests and what career choices appealed to him. He was quite good at math and working with computers, which opened up many possibilities.
Raising the Perfectly Imperfect Child Page 13