Of course Nick could easily have countered with a quotation from Luke 6:38, “Give, and it will be given to you….For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you,” and Matthew 19:21, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
Then he might have followed with Proverbs 11:24–25: “One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.”
And he could have finished with a word from 2 Corinthians 9:7: “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”
The Bible tells us to teach our children, but in this case, I worried that maybe we did much too good a job. Nick was convinced that giving away all his savings was the right thing to do. He assured us that he would be able to replenish his bank account with more speaking engagements upon his return from South Africa.
AFRICAN ADVENTURE
Honestly, Dushka and I didn’t have the energy to fight Nick on his decision to go to South Africa and give his money to charity, because we were even more concerned about safety and his plans to take Aaron with him. Nick also had asked two of his older cousins to accompany and assist him, but one of them had dropped out. Nick said he needed Aaron’s help.
Aaron was a very supportive brother who helped Nick get around and served as his caregiver for speaking engagements. He could do the same thing on this adventure to South Africa, Nick said. My point was that while Nick was an adult with a career, his little brother had just turned eighteen and was still in school and living at home. How could we let them both go off to South Africa on a tour arranged by someone we’d never met?
“Who is this John Pingo anyway?” we asked Nick.
Nick gave me John’s phone number and said he would answer any of my questions and concerns. I spoke with John, and he sounded very mature and well organized. He was so committed to this speaking tour that he’d sold his car to help finance their travel and to contribute his own donations to the needy. He promised me repeatedly that Nick and Aaron would always be safe, sheltered, and well fed.
Next I spoke to Aaron, who admitted that he was wary at first when Nick suggested the trip to South Africa. In fact his initial response was to reject the idea: “I don’t want to be eaten by a lion!”
Once he overcame concerns about becoming snack food for a predator, Aaron became quite enthusiastic about accompanying Nick. Dushka and I did not share that enthusiasm, but we couldn’t deny our sons this opportunity.
After Nick and John Pingo promised me they would be safe and that they would both look after Aaron, Dushka and I let them go. We had many misgivings and neither of us slept much while they were gone. It was difficult to stay in communication with them because they were traveling in many areas without cell, or even regular, phone service. They traveled to engagements in Cape Town, Pretoria, Johannesburg, and all points in between riding in a van borrowed from John’s aunt.
Dushka and I might have slept even worse during their South African adventure if we’d known that John Pingo wasn’t quite as experienced as we had assumed.
THE EMPTY NEST
Parents grow accustomed to being in control of their children and making decisions for them. Once our children reach the age of adulthood, they want to make their own decisions. It’s difficult for parents to let go and even harder for them to see their children make mistakes. We can only hope that they learn from their mistakes and from what we’ve taught them. We have to give them room to fly on their own, even if it’s difficult to watch them struggle at first. The hope is that one day they will soar.
We reluctantly allowed Nick to go to South Africa for that reason. He was legally an adult. We were less comfortable with him taking Aaron. In fact, I told Nick that if anything bad happened to his little brother under his care, I would never forgive him. Dushka and I fretted the whole time they were gone, especially if a couple of days passed without hearing from them.
Thankfully they survived their declarations of independence and all the dangers of South Africa. They arrived back home as scheduled two weeks after they departed. Both said their lives were changed by the poverty and hunger they witnessed and also by the ability of those living in such conditions to still be joyful and grateful for their blessings. Our sons did their part to ease the suffering by giving away all Nick’s savings. It was hard to be upset with them because they spent the money on needed supplies, appliances, athletic equipment, and gifts for the orphanages and their children. They had many adventures on the trip, and I’m sure we still haven’t heard about the most perilous escapades and close calls.
I was thrown for a loop when they confessed that John Pingo turned out to be only nineteen years old. Like me, Nick and Aaron had assumed John was in his late twenties, if not his thirties, because he sounded so mature on the telephone. They discovered that his maturity was hard earned.
John had grown up on a livestock farm in the republic of the Orange Free State in southern South Africa. He’d run with a bad crowd earlier in life but had become an avid Christian and even owned a small trucking company. John considered the speaking tour he arranged for Nick to be his gift of love to the neediest in his nation. Thankfully he proved to be a reliable organizer and guide, and we are still friends with him and his family.
GRAND AMBITIONS
When Nick took wing, he didn’t take the safe route, and that’s pretty much been his flight pattern ever since. He’s dared to go to some of the world’s most dangerous places, including violent prisons in South America, sex-slave shantytowns, and the wretched slums of Mumbai, where he just missed the lethal bombings that killed twenty and injured one hundred or more.
Aaron told me that after they arrived in South Africa on that first trip and drove into Johannesburg, he spotted a sign that said Smash and Grab Area. Aaron asked John what the sign meant, and he explained, “It means this is an area where they will smash your car windows, grab your things out of the car, and run off.” The next sound they heard was that of the doors being locked on their van. But they did not turn back.
Dushka and I thought Nick might find the challenges of travel to be too much for him. As parents, we want to protect our children when they go out into the world. Sometimes we see them taking on too much, and we want them to scale back, be more realistic, and ease the burden.
We kept imagining how wearing the travel must be for him. It would be draining on anyone to journey into remote regions with few resources and poor accommodations. Imagine doing it without arms and legs, unable to swat at biting insects or simply drink from a bottle when you are thirsty. Even riding for long periods in vehicles or on airplanes is more difficult for Nick because of his back problems. He’s been known to stretch out in the overhead compartments of some airplanes, but only as a joke to scare any fellow passengers who open the door to find him.
We wondered if Nick might return feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by his effort to inspire hope and faith in parts of the world where poverty and despair were so prevalent. Would he see that his twenty thousand dollars was a pitiful amount when compared to the level of need? Would he return to us discouraged and give up on his dream?
No, that did not happen. Nick returned to us physically exhausted but spiritually exalted. He and Aaron were captivated by South Africa and its irrepressible people. Amid the aching poverty, wretched living conditions, sickness, and malnutrition, they were amazed to find so much laughter, joy, singing, and faith. They loved the people’s spontaneous singing and African-style choruses. To see those poor children and teenagers happy and singing in spite of all the lack and dire circumstances was something that blew them away. Nick had gone to South Africa to inspire hope in its people, and he returned inspired by the strength and resilience of the human spirit.
LAUNCH TIME
Every pa
rent knows that one day their children must strike out on their own. It’s funny because as much as we worry about that day coming, we may have even greater concerns that they will never leave or will keep boomeranging back to us! Parents of disabled and special-needs kids have a much more complicated view on this, of course.
Dushka and I are extremely grateful, and we thank God often, that Nick grew up to be fully capable of supporting himself and his family. There are many parents whose children have more severe disabilities that make it much more difficult, if not impossible, for them to achieve independence. We can only do our best to provide for them, leaning on our faith and whatever support is available.
As you likely know, Nick travels constantly in his career as a speaker and evangelist. The last time I asked, he’d been in at least forty-four countries. A couple of years ago he went on a tour that hit twenty-four countries in twelve months. He has inspired millions of people around the world and brought thousands forth to declare themselves Christians.
We gave our son roots planted in faith and family. He took wing on his own limitless and unstoppable determination. Dushka and I would like to take all the credit, but we all know that Nick’s incredible journey has been designed and guided by our heavenly Father. We have planted and others have watered, but the Bible says “it was God who made it grow.” I still find it truly remarkable that our child born without limbs has grown into a man who leads people around the world on their walk with God.
• Perhaps the greatest gifts we can give our children toward their success in adulthood are a foundation of unconditional love, a sense that they have a purpose in this world, a value system to guide them, and a spiritual base as a perpetual source of hope.
• Parents of special-needs children often take it day by day in their kids’ younger years because that’s the only way they can function. That may well be the appropriate strategy, but once their children reach the teen years, parents should begin to look at whether and to what extent their kids can become independent and self-supporting as adults—and help them prepare for that stage of life.
• Adult children with autism, major mental and physical disabilities, and Down syndrome may be incapable of living independently, so parents must do whatever they can to ensure their children are protected and supported in their adult years by consulting with their physicians, therapists, teachers, and lawyers to determine their capabilities and vulnerabilities.
• No parent wants to put limitations on a child, so if your child identifies a career path that seems overly ambitious or beyond reach, it might work best to guide him to develop a backup plan and help him pick up the necessary skills and knowledge.
• Prepare yourself for the day when your child declares independence and takes flight. The adult you raised just might amaze you.
While traveling with Nick in Florida a few years ago, we met a young couple whose year-old child was born without limbs. The parents were fans of my son’s videos and books. We immediately felt a bond with them. As I talked with them about the challenges of raising such a child, I realized that the husband and wife were exactly the same ages—twenty-six and twenty-eight—that Dushka and I had been when Nick was born. I noted that they seemed to be doing much better than we did at that early stage as parents of a limbless child. They explained that their journey was different from ours in two critical ways.
Early in her pregnancy, the wife underwent an ultrasound, and her doctor recognized that their baby had not developed limbs. Their physician advised them that they might want to consider aborting this baby because of that disability, but they refused. While awaiting the birth of their child, they had time to go through grief and reach acceptance.
The second difference between us was the fact that they had a role model for raising their son—us. The couple said they decided to raise their child because of what they’d learned about Nick through his videos, speeches, and books. Nick gave them hope. Because of him they realized it was possible for their child to have a good and productive life.
Dushka and I are grateful that our perfectly imperfect son’s example helped that couple prepare themselves to bring their boy into the world. In the same way, we hope that our experiences raising Nick can help others parent disabled kids.
So far in this book, I’ve chronicled many of the trials we faced with Nick. I’ve explained the emotions we felt and the solutions we found. In this chapter, I want to shift the focus from the child to the parents, a child’s most valuable assets and greatest advocates.
My basic advice is this: take care of your child by taking care of your marriage. The lesson of Matthew 7:24–27 holds true for marriage:
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.
I’ve offered abundant testimony to the rains and winds that blew and beat against our marriage in Nick’s first few years and beyond. Financial pressures, health concerns, and the 24/7 responsibilities of protecting and nurturing a special-needs child are among the many potentially destructive forces that can tear at the fabric of your relationship. To give a disabled child all the parental care and support needed, you must take care of your marriage and maintain its foundation in rock rather than sand. Marriages and relationships can crumble under the stress of parenting disabled children. Guilt, blame, anger, mistrust, and misunderstandings will fracture all that you’ve built if you don’t find ways to work together rather than falling apart.
It helps to keep in mind that individuals respond to crises in their own ways based on their backgrounds, experience, and brain chemistry, among other complexities. Husbands and wives may have conflicting strategies, contrasting emotional responses, unequal levels of commitment, and disparate breaking points. Those differences can add to the stress unless you focus instead on what you have in common—the welfare of your child and the bonds of your marriage.
Dushka and I went through many difficult stretches, to be certain. Honestly, I’ve done my best to banish those memories from my mind. The important thing is that our marriage survived, and today we are reaping wonderful rewards. Our family is intact and loving, and we are having the best times of our lives together.
PERFECTLY IMPERFECT PARENTS
People have often said to us over the years, “You must be proud of your son, and you must be special parents.” Yes, we are extremely proud of Nick, his achievements, attitude, faith, and positive outlook on life, but we aren’t special in any way. We are a middle-class family from immigrant stock. Our greatest asset is one that all people of faith share. Dushka noted this fact during an interview with a reporter doing a story on Nick and his family: “We did the best we could with what we knew. In fact, we did all that any other parent would have done in a given circumstance. The truth is, God did it, and not us.”
When Nick was born, I questioned God and His love. I was human, not superhuman; in fact, I was ordinary, maybe even less than that. I did not feel strong. I felt weak. So you can imagine my skepticism at a statement made by a friend when Nick was about two years old.
“Nick could not have been born to a better couple,” she said.
She intended that as a compliment, meaning that Dushka and I appeared to be up to the challenges of raising a severely disabled child. We certainly did not see ourselves as the best sort of people for raising such a child.
As life propelled us forward, we felt burdened and blessed at the same time. We were burdened not by Nick but by our doubts and our fear that we were not capable of giving him all that he needed to succeed. And we were blessed to have a son with such a soaring spirit and a marriag
e that, while only five years old, was built on rock, not sand. We had strong bonds that were not easily broken. They were tested, to be sure, but they held up. We needed each other to give our son the best care and the best childhood possible. We felt that we had to work as hard at keeping our marriage strong as we did at providing for our son.
We’ve known many single parents who do a wonderful job with their children. They make many sacrifices and endure hardships and loneliness to give their children what they need. Most single parents are heroic people doing their best for their children. Yet most freely admit that it would have been an easier job if they’d had a spouse to help share the load.
Mothers and fathers may have different parenting styles, but each of them is a major influence in a child’s life. In fact, fathers probably haven’t received the respect they deserve as nurturers rather than simply providers. A recent review of more than thirty-five studies around the world, involving more than ten thousand children, found that fathers and mothers each play critical roles in the personality development of a child. The lack of either can damage a child’s emotional and mental health into adulthood, according to a report in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Review.
The research found that a father’s input is particularly important for behavior and can influence whether a child later tends to drink to excess, take drugs, or suffer mental health problems. This is yet another reason it is so critical for couples to support each other and to stay united when faced with the challenges of parenting disabled and special-needs children.
By the time Nick reached the age of two, we had stopped trying to figure out the whys of our son’s disabilities. We focused instead on the hows of raising him. These were stressful times. It helped that we had five years of relative calm as a married couple before Nick arrived.
Raising the Perfectly Imperfect Child Page 15