The Depths of Sorrow

by Eleanor Eden

  He leaned toward me. “I’m scared, too.”

  The tears spilled onto my cheeks. “And I’m worried about her, too. I try to act like I’m not, but I am,” I placed a palm on my belly and lowered my head, the sadness I’d been pushing down for so long becoming a ball of pain in my chest.

  “Oh, honey,” Money leaned closer, taking me in his arms.

  I cried into the spot where his neck and shoulder met. “I love her so much already,” I sobbed, and he held me tighter, strong even though he was trembling, too. I pulled away and he was crying. “What if she doesn’t make it? What if she isn’t meant to be?”

  He brushed a tear from his cheek and put a hand on my belly. “We don’t have any control over that.” He raised his gaze to meet mine. “So, we have to be thankful to have her now, kicking and rolling around in there!”

  I nodded, grabbing onto the lifeline he’d cast out to me.

  “Knocking plates off your stomach!” He added, his eyes bright through his tears.

  “She’s already got a personality, doesn’t she?” I asked, my cheeks wet with tears.

  He nodded.

  “How could she not be meant for us, Money? How can she not have a purpose of her own?”

  “Maybe her purpose is this,” he gestured between the two of us. “Maybe she’s brought us together.”

  I nodded, then felt my face crumple again. “I don’t want her to die!”

  He held me without words, rocking me ever so slightly and placing kisses in my hair now and again. When I was calm, he said, “I believe she has another purpose, Burden. I feel it,” his words were muffled as his mouth moved against the crown of my head.

  I pressed my hands against him to find his eyes. Those deep chasms of him. Of everything. “Really?”

  He nodded. “Can’t you see her?”

  I closed my eyes. “I think so, but -”

  “What?”

  I opened my eyes. “I haven’t had the dream.”

  A look of realization cleared the slate of his face.

  “The Fated are always given a name.”

  He frowned.

  He knew I was right.

  He took me back into his arms, this time lifting me entirely onto his lap, where I curled into him as much as was possible, with her in between us.

  “She’s different,” he soothed, a broad palm on my back.

  And I nodded, wanting so much for that to make everything OK.

  Chapter 4 – On Giving In

  Somehow, we both dozed, me perched on his lap, our empty plates discarded on the cushion beside us.

  And when I woke, it was with a new perspective.

  Money was right; I had no control over what was to happen with my daughter, and we were careening toward finding out even in that moment.

  But I still had so much to be thankful for. I looked up at his slack features, handsome even as he breathed through his mouth, his head bent awkwardly against the back of the sofa. He jumped to do everything for me; even now, slept happily in an uncomfortable position, because I was in his arms.

  And all at once, everything I felt for him swept over me in a startling wave, and I pulled back, regarding at him anew.

  Maybe I hadn’t let myself see it. Or maybe he’d been so close I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. But now, it took me with a force I was at the mercy of.

  I straddled him.

  He woke suddenly, mumbling, “What?”

  I took his face in my hands. “I love you, Money.”

  Surprise, then joy flashed in his eyes.

  “I’m so sorry it took me so long to know how much I need you, too.”

  He furrowed his brow.

  “I love you,” I said again, then pressed my lips to his, tasted him for the first time. And I soared in the perfection of it – the softness of his mouth, the sharp stubble between his top lip and his nose. The way he gripped me as though he’d never let go.

  When I pulled away, breathing a little heavier, he smiled.

  “Is this a dream?”

  I shook my head to the contrary. “This is real, love.”

  “Oh, thank God,” he said, pulling me to him again, but gently, so he could kiss me more. I groaned with a need that was stronger than anything I’d ever felt, and he repositioned himself beneath me so we were pressed together there, in the spot we were suddenly so desperate to be joined.

  I grasped his t-shirt at the hem and pulled, him raising his arms as it came off, then claiming my mouth again, breathing into me and tasting me greedily.

  I moaned.

  He undid the straps of my maternity overalls and something in me tried to speak up, tried to remind me of all the things I’d said about myself only an hour ago, but I slapped it aside.

  I would have this man, in all my pregnant glory.

  I regretfully pulled away from him, raising my own arms, now, as he tore at my shirt and then undid my bra with fumbling fingers. And he marveled at my breasts, heavy as they were with my condition. He explored each of them lovingly, hands tantalizingly rough and callused, even as his touch was painfully soft. Then he kissed them slowly, tasting every inch, tugging at the nipples.

  I almost came right then.

  But he lay me on my back instead, his eyes dark and intently on mine as he removed my overalls and my panties, then stood above me, taking me in, his pants stretching against his want.

  I reached for the waist of them and tugged gently, my eyes fixed on his, and everything slowed. He only breathed as he gazed at me, allowing me to find him. To uncover him fully. And when I did, I must admit, my reaction was less than mature.

  “Holy shit!” I exclaimed, almost breaking the spell entirely. I grasped his hardness and he groaned, but I couldn’t move past it. Not yet. “How is this even possible?” I tore my eyes from the monstrous thing and met his, which were crinkled at the sides as he laughed.

  “I don’t think it’s that spectacular, but thanks -?” he said, like it was a question.

  “Money, your forearm wasn’t this big two months ago!”

  He laughed again.

  I studied it. “Hm. This is going to be interesting.” I smiled, then looked up at him. “OK if I get to know this part of you a bit better?” I kissed him there, softly, and his eyes darkened further.

  I took my time getting acquainted.

  But then he was breathing quickly and he pulled away, laying me down again as he positioned himself between my legs, and I wanted him, oh, I rose to meet him, surrendering to him, hot, wet and completely his.

  And after, we slept for hours, him pressed against me into me from behind, his arm around my waist and curling under my belly for support, and both of us covered in a blanket we kept over the back of the couch.

  And it happened.

  I had the dream.

  Chapter 5 – Chimera

  I was different. Everything was.

  There was light and color, but there was darkness and nothing, too.

  And then there was something else. Something that made the everything and was the nothing all at once and I was part of it, yet separate.

  That’s the only way I know to put words to it, and I apologize because I read them and know they’re insufficient.

  I was with the entity – part of it, but still me. At the source.

  Before anything was said, I was filled with love and appreciation and praise. I was made to feel fulfilled, just for existing. Free of constraints.

  Unburdened.

  Then they spoke.

  “You have done well. Thank you.”

  “I love you.”

  It was all I could say. It was all I could feel.

  “And you must know you are loved, too, child. Fated one.”

  I was flooded with joy and could not reply except to laugh.

  “Your path has changed. You’ve surprised us.”

  “You can be surprised?”

  With that, I was surrounded by laughter, and it was wondrous and jangling at once.
>
  “You carry a child and it is new. We could not have predicted it. Sometimes, the shells you reside in on earth do unexpected things for the good of the species. This appears to be one of those times.”

  “I love her.”

  “Yes. She is loved.”

  “I want her. I don’t want to live if she dies.”

  I was overwhelmed with whispering sounds that surrounded me.

  “You mustn’t die. Your purpose expands, even now.”

  “Expands? What does that mean?”

  “With the birth of this child, you, too, will change.”

  I cried, but it was different. It was a release of emotion, an outflow felt by all and echoed back to me.

  “We know she will live. We see her paths as they are forged, but it is difficult to know if she will live in the shell you grow for her, or some other way. She is new.”

  “You said that.” Sadness filled me.

  “Do not despair. You are and will forever be her first earth mother.”

  I cried.

  “The soul should not be possible.” Laughter flowed around me again.

  “But she is,” I cried.

  “Indeed. A surprise. A Chimera. A gift.”

  “From who?”

  Laughter again.

  “If you can’t tell me whether she’ll live – with me, that is - what can you tell me?”

  “Her name. You will call her Sorrow.”

  “Sorrow,” I whispered, connecting with her. Knowing her.

  “And this is not usually done; the Fated do not have middle names -”

  “I know.”

  “It is so we can find you. We didn’t know how important that would be. Regardless, you may gift her with a middle name of your choosing.”

  “Why?”

  They said it again.

  “She is different.”

  Chapter 6 – Money, the Man

  “It would be cool to give her a completely normal middle name; none of us have ever enjoyed the conveniences that can come with that.”

  I looked up from my spot on our little blanket, still playing with bright green blades of grass with my fingertips. Money had been right; the blanket would afford us some time outside on the lawn, even when the ground was still damp. We should be amongst the crocuses, he’d said, and, laughing, I couldn’t deny him.

  “Oh, what I wouldn’t have given to use a middle name instead of my own – especially during school.”

  He nodded. “Nicknames are one thing, but during the first weeks of school, when the teachers are still going by their class list, it really doesn’t matter! You have to re-teach everyone, every year.”

  I stretched out on my side, resting my head in his lap and looking up at the clouds. “Maybe we don’t need to decide, yet.”

  He brushed my hair back from my face, his fingers making my scalp tingle.

  I sighed, closing my eyes. “She’ll be here soon. Maybe she’ll tell us her middle name.”

  He chuckled and I gazed up at him. “You never know.” I paused, arching my back and running a hand beneath me. “Ugh. Guess this spot’s too wet for the blanket! Help me up!”

  We maneuvered ourselves away from the dampness, laughing, and finally rested again on a corner of the throw.

  “I can imagine the garden,” he smiled, his eyes on the withered tendrils of climbing vines from the year before.

  “I need those really sweet peas again,” I mumbled, trying to find the name. “Mange-tout!”

  “Oh, those were so good.”

  “I wonder, though, if we’ll still be here?”

  He frowned down at me. “Why wouldn’t we be?”

  “I’ve been trying to figure out how to manage with a newborn in the tiny,” I sighed, turning my head in his lap so I could see the house.

  He smoothed my hair again, pensive. “I’ve wondered the same.”

  We sat in silence for a time. I had to shake myself fully awake when he spoke again.

  “Wherever we are will be perfect, as long as she’s OK.”

  I looked up at his face, so handsome now that he’d gained more weight and kept up with taking care of himself. “She’s OK right now,” I whispered, finding his hand to place on my belly.

  He smiled. “She’s always dancing.”

  I watched his face as he felt her move. It was love in his eyes. Pride that made them deeply blue. And excitement that played at the corners of his lips. “She knows your voice – knows you as she would her father.”

  He met my eyes, momentarily distracted from the baby’s acrobatics. “It’s strange; I forget she’s not mine.”

  We locked our gazes, feeling all those feelings that were hard to say, but then he was back to focusing on my jumping belly.

  A very large part of me wanted it to be true. Today’s Money was so different from the kid Journey and I had dragged away from a dark one and through depression to this other side. I still saw that goofy, childlike side to him, thank goodness, but he’d matured by leaps and bounds since that day when we’d finally given ourselves to each other completely.

  The day we learned her name.

  And the day we’d spent excitedly dissecting what it was like to have such a dream – to be with them. Finally, we could compare notes, understand why it was impossible to fill in the blanks.

  In the end, Id simply lost the ability to brush aside the purpose – the talk of the entity, too – since my experience. A little late, perhaps, but irrevocably real.

  Money’s energy changed and I opened my eyes. “What?”

  “Let’s go shopping for seeds!”

  I giggled, immediately inflated by the suggestion. “It’s a bit early…”

  “Let’s do it anyway,” he shrugged.

  Unwilling to squash his enthusiasm, I gave in. We folded our damp blanket and took one last look at the crocuses; purple, yellow and white, and got ready for the day’s adventure.

  Completely blind to the events that would shape it.

  You might say blissfully so.

  Chapter 7 – News From Afar

  We were in fine spirits when the call came.

  Seed varieties were lacking, as predicted, but we’d managed to score a few of the packets on our list, our favorite peas amongst them. And we’d found an alternate way to satisfy our shopping itch, too; while there were few seeds to be found, shops that carried mass quantities of baby clothes and supplies were in overwhelming supply.

  So, happily laden with our bags of treasures, we made our way to Aylmer Road, to walk along the little shops and treat stores to close the outing off.

  We were walking arm in arm, trying house-made chocolates from a new shop and contemplating the British Café for something to eat, when Money’s phone rang. We stopped instantly, our eyes locking. Either Gary needed him for a job, or it was Jay.

  Money made a point to keep his phone number private.

  “Hold this,” he mumbled, passing me a half-eaten truffle and digging in his pockets.

  “No problem,” I replied, popping the morsel into my mouth without hesitation.

  His eyes widened as he brought the phone to his ear. “Shithead!” he whispered, smiling.

  I merely smiled back.

  “Journey?” He kissed my forehead after he answered, then put an arm around my shoulders.

  And he was right to. Jay had been out of contact for weeks, and we’d since stopped trying to hide our concerns. The job he was on must be something important, indeed, to keep him away for so long. And now a call rather than him showing up – it felt bad. Sorrow was due any day, and though Money had stepped up in more ways than I could have asked, the fact remained that Jay was her biological father.

  I heard mutterings from the phone, but couldn’t make anything out. I did feel Money tense beneath his wool jacket, though. Could feel his apprehension. It was minutes before he spoke again.

  “Is it decided? Is it final?”

  I pulled away to meet his eyes, which regarded me in return dark
ly.

  “What?” I frowned.

  “Journey – you need to talk to Burden.” He kissed my forehead again, reaffirming our connection.