Colm Williamson created Waterford Whispers News in 2009 when he was unemployed. Though it began as a hobby, with Colm sharing stories with family and friends, his unique brand of topical, distinctly Irish satire quickly attracted thousands of fans. Now, WWN has over 200,000 Facebook followers, and an average of 1.8 million page views on the website every month. Colm runs WWN from his home town of Tramore in County Waterford.
For all the latest news, visit
www.waterfordwhispersnews.com
And follow WWN on Facebook at
www.facebook.com/WhispersNews
PRAISE FOR WATERFORD WHISPERS NEWS
‘Waterford Whispers News has been my daily go-to for unbiased, fact-based news.’
DAVE MCELFATRICK (CYANIDE & HAPPINESS)
‘WWN has reminded a lot of Irish people what biting satire is.’
EPIC NEWS WITH PETER & CHRIS
THE STATE OF THE NATION
Colm Williamson
Waterford Whispers News is a satirical newspaper and comedy website published by Waterford Whispers News. Waterford Whispers News uses invented names in all the stories in this book, except in cases when public figures are being satirised. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
First published in 2014
by Blackstaff Press
4D Weavers Court
Linfield Road
Belfast
BT12 5GH
with the assistance of
The Arts Council of Northern Ireland
© Text, Colm Williamson, 2014
The acknowledgements page constitutes an extension to this copyright page.
All rights reserved
Colm Williamson has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
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Produced by Blackstaff Press and ePub Direct
EPUB ISBN 978-0-85640-944-8
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A note from the editor
In this age of real-time information and up-to-the-minute news reports, it is very easy for facts to get distorted – much like a game of Chinese whispers. This was the idea that sparked Waterford Whispers News in 2009, when I started writing spoof news stories and sharing them with friends on Facebook. Slowly, the page and the idea gained momentum. My friend Alan McCabe built me a website, and a beast was born.
By 2012, having had a number of viral hits and with a following of seven thousand fans, WWN was growing at an alarming rate. I was flat out, writing three to four articles per day. I needed to find a partner. In the course of my research, I came across a blog called ‘Not The News’. I loved their stuff and the style was similar to WWN so I decided to persuade one of their writers to come work with me.
In August 2013, I finally signed up Julius Hubris and together we started creating even better content and ideas. Then, ‘North Korea’ happened, the moment we fooled the world by claiming that North Korea had sent a man to the Sun. The story was huge and the popularity of WWN grew in a way that we could never have imagined.
At about the same time, a young comedian called Gerry McBride began contributing material, adding a new slant and different style to the site.
Since then Waterford Whispers News has won awards and broken stories right across the world – all from the comfort of my kitchen in Tramore. This book brings together all our best bits with a nice chunk of new stuff thrown in for good measure. I hope you enjoy it. Up the Déise.
Colm Williamson
Issue 1
WEATHER FORECAST
Prolonged showers of wankers may cause delays on your way to work this morning.
Irish man ostracised for not drinking tea
A TENSE SCENE unfolded in the staff kitchen of O’Malley’s Office Supplies in Waterford today as Antony Maher made a shocking confession to his co-workers.
The 24-year-old had been enjoying his first few months of employment and had finally grown confident enough to share a deep, dark secret.
Antony, sweating and visibly distressed, waited for a break in conversation. When that break didn’t come he had no option but to talk over a co-worker in the hope that his admission would be lost in the convivial banter of his co-workers.
‘Don’t really like the tea myself now to be honest,’ Maher said, instantly regretting it. Office cleaner Deirdre let out a loud scream and dropped a plate and the kitchen fell silent.
Rob, who up to this point had been close friends with ‘Anto’, was the first to speak after the stunning confession.
‘What the fuck do you mean you don’t “like” tea? Do you mean “I don’t like it, I actually love it?”’
Antony’s response further shocked the room and caused Deirdre to faint. ‘No, I just never got into it, you know?’ he said.
It was at this point that Antony’s boss, Frank O’Malley, entered the kitchen to see what all the fuss was about.
Frank became incandescent with rage as Rob relayed the details of Antony’s brazen admission.
‘Not even a drop of Lyons now and again… and to think you call yourself an Irishman. You might as well shit on De Valera’s grave, you little bollocks! Actually, there’s an idea. Nice trip up to Dublin. I hear the Glasnevin cemetery tour is only brilliant.
‘Get you in there and you can drop the trousers and let the Nation know exactly what you think of the sacrifices made in 1916, the war dead, our traditions and institutions. You’re an awful bollocks, Antony, an awful anti-Irish bollocks,’ Frank concluded.
Anthony was then given a good thumping, his P45 and a list of tea blends he should look into.
It is estimated that 1 in every 100,000 Irish people are ‘anti-tea’, resulting in excommunication from Irish society.
ALSO IN THE NEWS
Joy as Ireland win Bronze in snowman-building at Winter Olympics
Keith Richard’s face to be used as anti-smoking warning on cigarette packs
Hundreds raped and murdered as re-enactment of Viking invasion goes horribly wrong
US travel agency now offering Third World safaris
AMERICAN travel agency Harding’s has announced an exclusive holiday package for people wishing to ‘experience the Third World first hand’.
The company offers a range of all-inclusive economy and premium packages, bringing you to the heart of war-torn Africa.
CEO of the company Donny Baker told WWN that since introducing the safari online, he has been inundated with calls from potential travellers hoping to experience ‘real famine in real time’.
‘Our most popular package has to be the Ethiopian trail,’ he said. ‘This is designed for a family of four and includes flights to the capital Addis Ababa, seven night’s accommodation, and an intensive five-day tour of the most dilapidated and under-developed areas in the country, all for $4,967.’
Mr Baker’s company also provides a premium family package that includes a safari-style tour of the most overcrowded refugee camps with your very own tour guide, private jeep and picnic.
However, one Irish customer who paid for the premium package told WWN that things were not as they were sold in the brochure: ‘I thought, sure wouldn’t it be better to actually see this first hand instead of just using the Trócaire box for change for the bus? But when I got there I was told I couldn’t even touch them. It’s very sad, really – the tour guide said most of them had never even heard of the “save the poor” hashtag,’ he, added. ‘You can’t help but feel sorry for them. The little faces on them when I was taking a few selfies was heartbreaking.’
‘We leave out the part about Africa being m
ade up of over fifty separate countries and having a significantly larger land mass than North America as this tends to confuse customers,’ Baker admitted.
Third World safaris are swiftly becoming the number one holiday choice for Americans, with one in four families now opting to see starvation and poverty first hand.
‘They’re so skinny, it makes you want to pick them up and put them in your pocket,’ one tourist said online in a five-star review. ‘I would definitely go back again. It’s a real experience.’
WNN FACT OF THE DAY
Contrary to common perception, shoes hanging from an overhead wire actually means there is a cobbler operating in the area.
Revenue proposes tax on birthday card money
IN A BID to clamp down on absolutely everything they can possibly think of, Revenue has proposed a nationwide tax on all birthday and Christmas card monies given as gifts. In a written statement today, the government’s tax department said all donations must be accounted for, even if they are personal donations from a family member or friend.
On the proposed tax, a spokesperson for the commissioners has said that, ‘any income an individual receives is, in the first instance, taxable; this includes financial wedding, Christmas and birthday gifts and children’s Communion and Confirmation monies.’ It also stated that it is ‘looking into’ a ten cent levy on businesses handing out free lollipops to kids.
Waterford businessman and butcher James Heifer told WWN that the proposal was ‘an absolute sham’, saying that he would lose at least 20 per cent of his customers if he were to retract the free lollipop offer to children in his store.
‘A lot of parents would come in and buy something just to get the free lollipop for their kids,’ he explained. ‘This new levy means I would be forced, by law, to charge for the sweet. It’s a disgrace.’ News of the birthday card money tax comes just two days after Revenue advised grandparents to declare all babysitting payments from the 1 April onward, even if they haven’t been paid.
Calls for reform after passenger fails to thank driver while getting off bus
WATERFORD BUS DRIVERS called for a reform of transport regulations today after a Dublin man failed to thank a driver while leaving the 360 bus from Tramore to Waterford. Patrick Hegarty, who disembarked on Parnell street at 5.54 p.m. Wednesday 8 January, ‘totally forgot to say thank you’, a solicitor for the accused told a special sitting of Waterford District court today.
‘I had my earphones in and wasn’t even thinking,’ said Hegarty, who was greeted by jeers from the bus driver’s family in the court. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking; by the time I realised what I had done, the bus had gone.’
Solicitor for the defence, Eamon Casey, told Judge Michael Grant that his client then chased the bus as it made its way to the city centre bus station, but could not catch up with it as it was a motor-propelled vehicle and was moving quite fast.
‘Mr Hegarty ran for twenty minutes before losing sight of the bus,’ claimed Casey.
Judge Grant took the accused’s plea of guilty into account and sentenced him to three years in prison, with two years suspended, pending good manners.
Bus inspector Terry Healy has slammed the lenient sentence, stating the this will only open up the flood-gates to more passengers not thanking drivers when exiting buses.
‘He will be out in twelve months and do the same thing again,’ said Mr Healy. ‘I will be proposing country-wide strike action over this.’
Thanking bus drivers was made compulsory in Ireland in 1925, and failure to do so comes with a minimum jail sentence of three years and a large fine.
CLASSIFIED
CARPENTER WANTED
Carpenter wanted to build a large Ark, 300 cubits in length, 50 wide and 33 tall. The suitable candidate should have all documentation and have completed the FÁS carpentry module. Must have excellent Hebrew and a 600-year life expectancy.
Call Noah at 087-80087355
Number of old men walking around with hands behind their back dwindling
A NEW SURVEY has revealed a staggering decline in the number of elderly men walking around with their hands behind their backs in recent years.
Old men wearing Paddy caps with their hands clasped to the rear have been synonymous with Irish culture for hundreds of years, but latest figures show that there are less than two thousand of them left in circulation.
Up until the late 1990s, these familiar figures could be seen loitering at every village crossroads, staring at passing cars and chatting to one another about nothing in particular.
‘We believe the falling numbers are a result of a better understanding of fashion and better posture,’ chief researcher behind the study Thomas O’Brien told WWN. ‘Today’s ageing adults have not worked as hard as their predecessors.’
‘Old men walking around with their hands behind their backs are a dying breed,’ he added.
The decline has also hit Paddy cap sales across the country, with twelve thousand outlets closing in the last year alone.
‘My family has been in the Paddy hat business for over eight hundred years,’ said Paddy hat salesman Dermot Peak. ‘We had to close our shop last week as our local old man who walks around with his hands behind his back died suddenly after tripping and landing on his face.
‘You see, that’s the danger when you don’t have your hands to the front,’ he concluded.
The government has called for a reintroduction scheme, designed to persuade elderly men to resume wearing the caps, in addition to a state-funded ‘how to walk with your hands behind your back’ course set to launch in early 2016.
Pensioners who participate will be given an extra €3 per week to walk around their local town or village for two hours a day.
Ireland fails to drink responsibly for 936th weekend in a row
WHILE SOME Irish people sought to engage in recreational activities such as hill walking, a trip to the beach and group sports, the vast majority of the Nation ensured Ireland maintained its long-running streak of ‘going mental’ last weekend.
Statistics made available to WWN by the Advance Research Centre for the Centre of Advances In Research reveal that this Bank Holiday weekend was the 936th weekend in a row during which the country failed to drink responsibly.
‘It continues to baffle us, to be honest,’ shared researcher Tom Merchant. ‘We have gone over the figures countless times and found no errors. It appears that 11 out of every 10 people were off their nut on the sweet nectar of alcohol at the weekend.’
Experienced drinker and man about town Billy Richmond disagreed with the findings of Merchant and his team.
‘In 2005, New Year’s Eve fell on a weekend and I didn’t drink, so I think this stuff is bullshit,’ explained Richmond, speaking from atop a throne made of discarded Dutch Gold cans in his living room. ‘Though now that I think about it, that may be because I was in an alcohol-induced coma for the two weeks after Christmas,’ he added.
The full-time drinker then went on to discuss his plans to build a shed made from cans in his back garden after the June bank holiday.
On a political level, little noise is being made, despite a record number of Irish males finding themselves trapped in wheelie bins after a night out.
‘If they didn’t drink there would be a real danger they’d mobilise and protest. Plus, there is an element of pride in this streak; we’re only two weeks away from breaking the previous record held by Ireland in the early eighties,’ shared a government spokesman.
Lifestyle
Mourinho admitted to rehab for mind games addiction
Worrying scenes unfolded today in London as Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho was rumoured to have presented himself at exclusive rehab facility, the Priory Clinic, after finally admitting he is addicted to mind games.
‘When Jose claimed the injured Cech, Terry and Eto’o were all “training” it was the final straw,’ a club insider told WWN. ‘Stranger still was the sight of Gianfranco Zola, Marcel Desailly, Ron “Chopp
er” Harris and the ghost of Peter Osgood kitted out for the reserves,’ he added.
‘The signs were there for all to see and I’m glad he sought help,’ football philosopher Jamie ‘Foucault’ Redknapp said on his show which airs on Sky Sports 8 every Wednesday at 4 a.m.
Sources close to Mourinho had suggested the manager kept his mind games habit to a healthy twelve-a-day maximum, but following scenes at Chelsea’s training ground earlier this week senior club officials intervened.
Chelsea’s opponents for tonight’s clash, Atletico Madrid, expressed their frustration at Mourinho’s persistent mind games in the run up to the second leg.
‘Diverting the majority of the London bus network to Stamford Bridge is annoying but Jose also sent me all his unpaid parking tickets,’ a livid Diego Simone explained in his pre-match press conference. Despite his appearance at the rehab facility Mourinho will still attend this evening’s crucial game where many expect the Portuguese manager will unveil his latest tactical masterclass, rumoured to be called ‘Operation Defend, Defend, Defend, Defend, Nick A Goal, Defend, Defend, Defend’.
WHATS ON
TV PICK OF THE WEEK
30 Things To Do With Your Kids’ Communion Money
Financial: Mon, 22.00 – RTÉ2
With Communion season drawing closer, Eddie Hobbs shows you how to use the money your kid collected from friends and relatives to shore up your ailing finances. This week, Eddie helps a family convince their 7-year-old daughter to use the money her grandmother gave her to service their crippled gas boiler.
Craig Doyle
Craig Doyle: Wed, 21.30 – RTÉ1
Craig Doyle Craig Doyle Craig Doyle Craig Doyle Craig Doyle Craig Doyle Craig Doyle
CRAIG DOYLE
70-year-old woman thinks her tattoos are ‘still fucking class’
Waterford Whispers News Page 1