There is one small consolation for the squad in the shape of Liverpool forward Luis Suarez, who will almost certainly be vilified and publicly flogged by the English media regardless of what part he plays in England’s campaign.
Exclusive Interview: ‘I should have never crossed that fucking road,’ admits Chicken
Being the butt of any joke can be humiliating, and unfortunately, for one farmyard bird, it became a lot more than that. In this exclusive interview, we delve into the world of Charlotte Jane Chicken, who, in 1961, crossed a road, changing her life forever.
We met in her coop on Tuesday morning. She is your average-looking chicken: white feathers, blue legs, a bright red comb. I eased in with my first question.
‘So, Charlotte, what is your favourite “chicken crossing the road” joke?’
She tilted her head angrily to one side and pecked at some meal on the ground, keeping one eye on me and one on the feed: ‘Well if you must know, it has to be the original, because not a lot of people really get it.’
I asked her to explain.
‘In the punchline, “the other side”, actually refers to “The Other Side”, as in death. People think it’s just a lame joke, but it’s not. It’s really quite funny, when you think about it.’
‘How did the joke come about in the first place?’ I asked.
She lit up a cigarette and crossed her legs.
‘It started in the early sixties. My owner at the time let me out so he could clean my coop. I was young and foolish back then, and I just wanted to be free. So I ran. He chased me to the roadside but there was no going back. I didn’t look to see what was coming, and then I heard a screech. A car flew past me, narrowly missing me with its right wheel.
‘The farmer picked me up and said, “You nearly got to the other side in more ways than one there, chook!” And then the nightmare began.’
Charlotte told me about the years of torment her owner put her through by repeatedly telling the joke.
‘It spread to all of his friends, and all of their friends, and so on. Every day he would say it. All I wanted to do was peck the bastard’s eyes out … excuse my fowl language.’
But as the saying goes, you should be careful what you wish for. In 1968, the farmer died of a heart attack while cleaning out the coop, leaving Charlotte and her family without any food or water.
‘We had no choice but to eat him. I remember pecking out his eyeballs and thinking how ironic life is. Just like the joke about me crossing that fucking road.’
Our interview was over. Ms Chicken walked away, her head bopping forward and back as a chicken’s head does. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her, for all that she had endured.
On the way home I pulled into the KFC carpark, and it was only then that it hit me. I had just interviewed the most famous chicken that ever lived – the one that crossed the road, and lived to tell the tale.
‘All my Facebook friends think I’m really cultured now,’ says guy who translated name to Irish
Dublin man Peter Cody has confirmed today that all his friends think he is ‘really cultured now’ after translating his name into its Irish form, Peadar Mac Oda, on Facebook late last month.
The 27-year-old immature student said he had already noticed the difference in people’s attitudes towards him on the social networking site.
‘It was like I jumped up a few rungs of some kind of sexy culture ladder.
One minute I was measly Peter Cody, and the next I was cardigan-wearing, pipe-smoking, Irish literary artist Peadar Mac Oda!
‘I even got an extra word in there for the win!’ However, Mr Cody admits that he doesn’t like being called by his Irish name in the ‘real world’ as it sounds too ‘Irishy’ when said in public.
‘Yeah it’s grand on Facebook and that, but I hate being called ‘Peadar’ when I’m in a bar or whatever.
‘The name looks deadly when it’s written down cause it gives the impression I know the language or something. but when it’s said aloud it sounds like a cringy Irish farmer name, so fuck that for a craic. Just call me Peter when I’m out.’
The self-employed film critic told WWN that several of his friends have also changed their names to Irish in the past few weeks and ‘haven’t looked back since’.
‘I suppose they realised how many “likes” I’ve been getting lately and have jumped on the old “ass gayle ge” bandwagon.
‘A few of the lads have them fada yolks in their names and have been making great progress with the lady likes. I wish I had a fada or two,’ he added.
Mr Cody concluded: ‘No one can say to me I’m following some kind of trend.
‘I was the first person on my friends list to do it. Sure I started this whole Irish name thing on Facebook, so I did.’
Peadar Mac Oda has befriended over 340 people since the switch and now has an astounding 2,389 Facebook friends.
Diary of a JobBridge intern
WEEK 4
Tuesday
Not sure if I’m cut out for journalism – very long days. Getting the hang of reception though. Carol rang 9 times to say sorry again, which is nice, but I’m learning plenty. A skip arrived today and I had to carry the old printer downstairs myself, struggled to hold on – it rolled down the last few steps and crashed into the front door. Paddy says he’ll take that extra €50 until the repair costs are paid in full. Niall took a bit of a turn after seeing the photocopier – brought back memories of his dad I guess. He had to be sedated and everything. Feel very guilty but I’ll learn from my mistake.
Friday
Big step – invited along to Friday drinks for the first time. Was asked to get the first round in, apparently it’s tradition. The guys had to head off before things got going though. Walked home after spending all my money on drinks. Still, good night.
Saturday
Promised tomorrow off, result! Everyone said they’ve had to put the hours in at the start so feel a bit better, still, 17 days in a row is tough. Turned down a position with The Journal. Paddy said he can see me working my way up here in Ireland’s 19th biggest local, so why leave? Going to move off reception finally. Maureen’s still off looking after her kids – who knew repeated insertion of crayons into the nose could cause paralysis in a child? WWN did a three-page special on it. Johnny Ryan has stopped coming in, just sits outside on the ground now. Mam’s very worried about him. It’s weird. Don’t think I’d be that bothered about some lad I knew back in school.
WHATS ON
TV PICK OF THE WEEK
Tight Women
Financial: Monday, 22.00 – RTÉ2
A panel of the country’s most miserable housewives discuss ways in which you can stretch your family’s income to the absolute maximum.
They Think They’re Great
Talent: Thursday, 21.30 – RTÉ1
The singing competition kicks off its third season, with a new panel of bitter rural judges just waiting to take people with ambition down a peg or two.
Angelus Omnibus
Religious: Friday, 20.00 – RTÉ1
Catch up on all the week’s Gong Action. Introduced by Craig Doyle.
Issue 4
WEATHER FORECAST
Today’s weather has been cancelled due to bad weather.
North Korea lands first ever man on the Sun, confirms Central News Agency
NORTH KOREA has confirmed today via its Central News Agency that it has become the first country in the world to land a man on the Sun.
It reported that astronaut Hung Il Gong left for the Sun on a specially-designed rocket ship at approximately 3 a.m. this morning.
Hung, who travelled alone, reached his destination some four hours later, landing his craft on the far side of the lonely star.
‘We are delighted to announce a successful mission to put a man on the Sun,’ a North Korean central news anchorman said on a live broadcast earlier. ‘North Korea has beaten every other country in the world to the Sun. Hung Il Gong is a hero and deserves a hero’s welcome w
hen he returns home later this evening.’
The specially-trained astronaut is expected to return to Earth at 9 p.m. tonight, where he will meet with his uncle and supreme leader Kim Jong-un.
It is understood that the 17-year-old space explorer travelled at night to avoid being engulfed by the Sun’s rays, and that this genius approach has brought the communist state to the top of the global space rankings.
While on the Sun, Mr Hung collected sun spot samples to bring back to his supreme leader as a present.
The 18-hour mission is already being called the ‘greatest human achievement of our time’ by the North Korean Central News Agency.
ALSO IN THE NEWS
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New ‘RoboGarda’ prototype kills three, injures twelve
Large increase in number of joint rollers ‘top-loading’ at house parties
A NEW STUDY carried out by the Central Statistics Office (CSO) has found a dramatic increase in the number of joint rollers ‘top-loading’ spliffs at house parties, in an unfair bid to get higher than everyone else.
It was found that the act of packing weed at the top of the joint has risen almost 75 per cent since 2008, coinciding with the beginning of the recession.
‘The roller knows he automatically has the right to light the joint upon its completion, regardless of who owns the smoke,’ explained Prof. Simon Hogan, head researcher behind the study. ‘Top-loading the cigarette so the roller benefits from his or her turn has unfortunately become common practice across the Republic, leading to many altercations at house parties and festival events.’
The study also found that 98 per cent of house party arguments are directly linked to ‘cannabidioms’.
‘A common cannabidiom is when someone misplaces or loses the lump of grass or hash while rolling,’ said Hogan. ‘Cannabis-induced paranoia ensues and people begin to blame one another for stealing the contraband. This leads to further arguments, mostly relating to past doubts and issues between the parties involved.’
Following the report, the CSO has released this guide to the four main signs that someone is, or has been, top-loading joints:
Unusually potent smell from joint when lit
Refusal to let anybody else light joint
Always volunteering to roll for others
Insistence that friend or girlfriend goes next on pass
Hogan has advice for those who recognise the signs of top-loading in others, ‘Top-loaders are usually shameless, conniving bastards, so always confront with care.’
WNN FACT OF THE DAY
Since 2005 American authorities have sought to ban hipster beards, as it has become increasingly difficult to spot terrorists.
One in five Irish children lack basics such as touchscreen phones and online game consoles
ONE IN FIVE children in Ireland live in such poverty that they lack basics such as touch-screen phones and online game consoles according to a devastating report released today.
Frances Fitzgerald, minister for children and youth affairs, painted a stark picture of the lives of these children at the launch of the department’s annual report.
The report revealed that despite government programmes, many children are forced to read heavy books made from paper as a source of ‘entertainment’, while others have no choice but to fiddle with outof-date, button-operated mobile phones while being laughed at by the wealthier kids in school.
The minister added, ‘As many as 76,000 children still use crappy old Nokias which were handed down from an older brother or sister, and just over half that number don’t even own an X-Box One or Playstation 3! These children are forced to play Snake and read smelly books for entertainment.’
She blamed lazy-arsed parents who would not get a second or third job for the sake of their kids.
‘All I hear is moaning from these people,’ Fitzgerald went on to say. ‘“I can’t afford an iPhone for the kids, I’m only making €350 a week after tax!” Boo-fecking-hoo! Get up off your backside and get another job for God’s sake. You’re depriving your children of basic human needs.
‘Some of these people are so selfish it makes me sick. “I have a disability” this and “I’m wheelchair-bound” that. Excuse after excuse!
‘Get a desk job then if ya can’t walk!’ she added.
The Department for Children and Youth Affairs has suggested a touchscreen phone allowance be offered to all families currently receiving social welfare payments.
Shock as running bulls gore humans who stood in path of running bulls
THERE WAS widespread shock in the Spanish city of Pamplona today after several humans who stood in the path of running bulls were ironically gored by the same running bulls that they were running away from.
At least 3,000 revellers took part in the annual event yesterday morning, where six fighting bulls were released into a street full of people.
‘I’m absolutely shocked that people were gored again this year. What are the chances?’ said Spanish Red Cross spokesman Carlos Perez. ‘I mean, who’d have thought that a herd of bulls running through a crowd of people could do so much damage? We really weren’t prepared for this.’
Runners, dressed in traditional white clothing with red kerchiefs around their necks, apparently crapped themselves when they realised the bulls running after them were not stopping.
One man, who just happened to be running away from a bull at the time, was gored in the left buttock, just inches from his brain. Luckily, he was dragged several hundred yards along the ground to safety by the animal.
The San Fermin ‘Running of the Bulls’ festival became world-famous with the publication of Ernest Hemingway’s 1926 novel, Idiots Who Run From Bulls on a Street in Spain Somewhere.
‘Running with bulls was probably not one of the best ideas I’ve ever had,’ admitted Timothy Savage, who was paralysed from the eyes down yesterday after being crushed by a bull that was running at the time.
RTÉ meteorological department axed as forecast is replaced with sunny/rainy graphic
RTÉ CAUSED A STIR today with the announcement that their televised weather forecast will be axed and 47 meteorologists and staff members will be replaced by a five-second animated ‘sunny/rainy’ graphic.
Staff in the department said nobody had anticipated that the 5-minute, post-news segment would ever be cancelled.
‘Well, what can I say? I’m gobsmacked!’ said a not-so-winking Gerald Fleming. ‘RTÉ broke the news to us at around 10 a.m. this morning. I’m still in shock.’
Fellow forecaster Evelyn Cusack added, ‘It’s absolutely outrageous. The whole team are obviously very disappointed, apart from that bitch Nuala Carey. She’ll probably be put on another job cause she’s so bloody pretty. The pretty ones always manage to climb the RTÉ ladder!’
A spokesman for RTÉ told WWN, ‘We realised that our weather forecasts over the past 30 years consisted primarily of one graphic – a sun peeking over a rain cloud.
‘Our decision to axe the programme and replace it with a 6 second weather graphic is justified. We estimate a saving of €3m a year on bizarre dresses for Jean Byrne alone.’
When asked about more severe weather conditions like snow and torrential rain, the spokesman replied, ‘We’ll do as we have always done – fill up an entire news programme with the latest traffic conditions, shots of flooded roads, people throwing snow balls and plonkers lamping themselves off icy footpaths.’
Staff at the station have been advised by RTÉ not to speak to the media until the last weather forecast on Sunday night, which will be after the 9 o’clock news, in order to let the dust settle.
The RTÉ spokesman also confirmed that Nuala Carey will continue to host The National Lottery for the foreseeable future.
FOR RENT
€1,400 per month Bedsit – Perfect city centre apartment (Dublin city centre)
You will not need a kitchen as apartment is situated behind the waste bins of several Chinese restaurants. Bedpan fits neatly under the sink. Previous tenant died and was eaten by cats so no pet owners need apply. Call 085-12369999
€1,000 per month Unit to let in rural Ireland – Perfect grow house (Longford)
Are you in an Asian organised crime syndicate? Looking for a space to harvest ‘plants’? Well, we’ve got the perfect place for you.
This spacious unit is ideal for any budding horticulturist hoping to make a packet on the booming ‘herbal’ trade in Ireland. With lead roofing and a pre-doctored electricity meter, you are sure to get a good nine months out of this pristine premises. Up to three temporary living quarters can be made from the office room – perfect for any ‘employees’ you may have trafficked from abroad. Call 012-8909965
€1,600 per month 4 bed, 2 bath – Period house to let (Waterford city centre)
Beautiful, four-bedroom period house to let on Manor Street. Two minutes from Harveys. Ideal for loud, drunken students. All mod cons, including dishwasher, central heating, inflatable sheep, several traffic cones and a shopping trolly. Fantastic location. Call Mr Tweedy on 051-78678798 or alternatively call into Mason’s bar. I’ll be the one upstairs crying into the bar menu.
Lifestyle
Reeling in the Years: Ritual peasant burnings, Ireland, 1913
Nowadays there are many ways for couples to say ‘I love you’, but when sexual relations between unmarried couples were forbidden by the Catholic Church, courting men and women had to find alternative methods of expressing their love for one another. Many of these seem outdated and silly by modern-day standards.
Waterford Whispers News Page 4