Such is the relentless ‘news’ cycle pursued by online publications, that the demand for viral content has never been higher. Admittedly the vast majority of viral videos are too funny but after the revelations today it is clear they come at a cost.
CORRECTION
PAGE 3, FRIDAY 19/03/2014
The headline for our page 3 story ‘Georgia Salpa as you’ve never seen her before’ should have read ‘Georgia Salpa as you’ve seen her before’, as it was the 324th time she has appeared in her underwear in this publication.
James Reilly granted planning permission for fourth chin
MINISTER FOR HEALTH James Reilly has been controversially granted permission for what neighbours have called an ‘unnecessary and unsightly’ fourth chin.
Construction on the minister’s fourth chin has yet to begin but it is speculated that this latest move, along with the news that the HSE’s budget is facing a hole of over €500 million, has, made his position almost untenable.
‘I’d love to know how he managed to get the permission, the size of that bloody thing already,’ shared unhappy neighbour Deirdre Gowan. ‘Sure we barely get any light into the house as it is – this will block it out altogether.’
With a cabinet reshuffle expected following poor local and European election, results, Reilly’s days as a prominent minister may be over.
‘I think people were able to handle the free GP care scheme he was implementing, no matter how disastrous it would be, but the Irish public draws the line at three chins for a health minister,’ shared an anonymous government insider.
‘I don’t like to name names but we’ve had, previous ministers with four chins and it hasn’t ended well,’ added a current minister. ‘Let’s just say their name wasn’t Fairly Blarney.’
While planning permission was granted to Reilly in his capacity as a private citizen, it has not stopped the extension being used for cheap political point-scoring.
COUNCIL NOTICE
The council is aware that the roads out by ___________ are in a shocking state. Please stop sending in your letters and emails. We know.
Junkies furious after children’s playground is found in local heroin hotspot
TENS OF JUNKIES took to the streets today in protest over the discovery of a 3,000 square meter children’s playground in one of the city’s best known heroin hotspots.
The gruesome find in the People’s Park in Waterford has raised concerns among local drug users over the loud racket made by children while they are trying to enjoy their fix.
‘All the screams do be making me nervous and all,’ said long-time heroin addict Padjo Walsh. ‘They do be wrecking me buzz like.’
The playground, which was erected in 1999, was only noticed by users last week, leading many of them to believe it was probably moved into their territory overnight by some kind of ‘sick fuck’.
‘There is no way that was there two weeks ago,’ claimed one man. ‘I’ve been coming here for years now and I don’t remember no kids’ shit here or nothin’!’
Playground paraphernalia was first found by self-confessed user Martin Shields last Tuesday afternoon when he accidentally got tangled up in a swing for several hours.
The 27-year-old, who was later freed by fire-fighters, stated that the playground just landed there out of nowhere, between the ‘roundy water feature thing and that café place where we get all the free spoons and tinfoil’.
‘It’s mad, so it is,’ said a slightly lopsided Mr Shields. ‘It wouldn’t be my ideal location for a kid’s playground, especially with all the drugs that do be flying around. Whoever thought about putting it there should be ashamed of themselves.’
Junkies say they are now living in fear that their gear could be stolen by children and sold on for ‘sweets or something like that’.
‘Little bastards would rob the eye out of your head and come back for the other one,’ concluded the very skagged Mr Shields.
Lifestyle
‘Big boys don’t cry,’ Paul O’Connell tells himself ahead of national anthems
With Ireland due to begin their 6 Nations campaign against Scotland, WWN can report that the Irish team are deep in concentration as they prepare for the opening match. Paul O’Connell, installed once again as Ireland’s captain, is believed to be lost in an interior monologue in an effort to ensure his emotions don’t get the better of him.
‘Big boys don’t cry, big boys don’t cry, big boys don’t cry,’ O’Connell keeps telling himself as he prepares for the opening strains of both ‘Amhrán Na Bhfiann’ and ‘Ireland’s Call’.
The playing of the national anthems, an emotional time for both fans and players alike, has been known to push even the most hardened of men to crack and cry like a baby. Notable examples include former Irish International and man-mountain John Hayes.
O’Connell, a mythic figure in Irish rugby, is expected to be a great source of inspiration for the Irish team throughout the tournament.
‘Don’t you dare turn on the waterworks Paul,’ O’Connell told himself as he laced up his boots in anticipation of the match ahead.
As the Nation’s rugby fans watch with bated breath to see how Joe Schmidt’s Ireland kicks off its campaign for Grand Slam glory, O’Connell, for the moment, is focused on keeping his tear ducts closed.
‘Ah Jesus, Paul, why are you thinking about Mammy sitting up in the crowd? You know that’ll only set you off,’ O’Connell scolded himself.
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WATERFORD LAD
‘Never dry a soggy ninebar in the microwave,’ warns Waterford Lad
Weeks of torrential rain and flooding has destroyed thousands of euros worth of hashish left in stash points all across the country, forcing many worried dealers to resort to microwaving their smoke in a bid to claim back some of their investment – but this is bad reveals Waterford Lad.
Local pharmaceutical expert and philosopher Jamie Lonergan told WWN that he would not advise using this procedure, as it ‘takes the bang out of the smoke’.
‘Microwaving ruins it, so it does,’ he explained, while tucking his tracksuit ends into his socks. ‘Everyone fucking knows that. You can always tell it’s nuked from the shitty crumble and the smell.’
The 22-year-old, who said he was recently done for beating up two bouncers outside The Foundry Niteclub in September, advised fellow wholesalers to leave the bars to dry out naturally so as not to degrade the quality.
‘I knows plenty of heads around the town now who got caught out with the floods the last week, so they did,’ he said. ‘If ya need to dry it out fast then leave it in the hotpress for the week. I hears of lads using the microwave to cut up the bars – fucking dopes. You might as well fuck it in the bin after that.’
Jamie estimates that at least €3 million worth of illegal drugs have been destroyed in the recent floods.
‘There’s gonna be some skulls cracked over the next few weeks or so,’ he warned. ‘Half it, I’d say, was on tick too; which is the real killer. There’d be no insurance payout for them poor cunts, I tell ya!’
Mr Lonergan also advised dealers to flog soggy bars whole, and not to even attempt to cut them up.
‘Unless ya want a bag of fucking Bisto on your fucking hands, best sell it off to some dope for half nothing,’ he concluded.
What does your sleeping position say about your relationship?
It is possible to tell how happy a couple are by their sleeping positions, scientists have found.
The head to toe
In a study carried out by sleep experts in the UK, the head to toe is said to be the second most common of all five major sleeping positions. A reported 55 per cent of couples
who regularly sleep in this position claim they are happy with their partner. The study also found that couples who sleep like this have usually been in a relationship for more than ten years. The unhappy 45 per cent claim the reason they are unhappy is down to the position itself, stating foot odour and bunions as major contributors to their rocky relationship.
The horn dog
The horn dog is said to be one of the most successful positions for couple happiness. Men who sleep rubbing their penis against their partner’s backside say they are so happy with the position that it makes their manhood cry. Morning sex is also quite common with couples in this position. A staggering 91 per cent of couples who sleep like this say they are really happy with their partners.
The shnakey lad
Women who sleep with their partner’s genitals in their face or hand are the happiest of all the women in the study. The shnakey lad position was found to be the most arousing of all the positions studied, leading 91 per cent to believe that their relationship is absolutely the shit when it comes down to happiness. An estimated forty thousand couples in Ireland sleep in this position, compared to its rival position the ‘feed the pony’, which reverses the position of the sexes, forcing the man into the nether region.
The boxset shuffle
This was found to be the most popular non-contact position for couples. The study found that watching endless boxsets in bed while the other partner sleeps is a great way to keep a relationship flourishing. Watching shows like Game of Thrones, The Borgias and Legal Anal Teens 2 helped couples understand each other more when it came to bedroom etiquette. 76 per cent of couples who sleep in this position say they are delighted with themselves altogether.
The creeper
Found to be the least common of the five main sleeping positions, the creeper came in high for happiness (74 per cent) as it gave partners the all-important space they needed during bedtime. Although low on the list for sexual activity, the creeper scores high on the list in other areas, such as spatial awareness, snoring decimals and fart smells. Partners who slept under the bed were said to be more caring and empathetic towards their bunking other halves. This position is said to be most popular with middle-aged couples with little or no sex life.
Other sleeping positions like ‘the teabag’ and ‘the hand shandy’ also rated high among the 18–35-year-old age bracket.
Diary of a JobBridge intern
WEEK 24
Monday
Funeral went all right from what the funeral directors told me. Niall messed up the obituary – spelled Audrey with two ‘d’s. Mam always said I was a terrible speller so she’s probably looking down on me, thinking ‘Kevin wrote that all right, the eejit’. Had a good long cry in the toilets. Think it might be working here that set me off. Have written one and a half articles in six months but have cleaned Terry’s Mini about thirty times. Guards say they found a burnt out Mini on the Tramore roundabout. They haven’t been able to trace the owner but they said they would get back to me. Paddy’s moved my desk away from Terry’s, probably to give me space from everyone.
Issue 15
WEATHER FORECAST
Temperatures to remain quite low today, but walk around with your top off anyway, you hard bollocks.
Ryan Tubridy found dead inside
IRISH BROADCASTER Ryan Tubridy is reported to have been found ‘dead inside’ at his home in Dublin, it was announced earlier today.
The radio and television presenter was said to have been battling life for over forty years, and it is not known when exactly he passed away.
‘He may have been dead for quite some time,’ said a doctor outside the star’s home today. ‘We believe he may have died inside over three years ago.’
An RTÉ spokesperson told WWN that ‘Tubs’, who has been working at the station since 1999, had been successfully going through the motions for quite some time and that everyone was shocked about the news.
‘Now that I think of it, he was very pasty looking on the last few Late Late Shows,’ he said. ‘Our makeup team was having an awful time with him. If only we had noticed the signs. In this business, it’s hard to tell if someone has died or not.’
Station chiefs have called for a full investigation into the matter and have ordered a medical check-up for all of its staff members.
Experts believe Mr Tubridy might have died on air during a Cuba Gooding Jr interview on The Late Late Show in 2011.
‘After watching a re-run online we can pinpoint exactly when Tubs died inside,’ explained Professor James Casey of the Internal Death facility in Mayo. ‘It was probably one of the worst interviews I have seen on television. We believe his passing was quick and painless.’
Mr Tubridy is expected to be relieved of his duties later today, before being laid to rest at the weekend.
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Noonan’s shrinking face to be totally engulfed by surrounding head by 2016
Culchies to continue pretending they like the smell of slurry
IN ONGOING EFFORTS to differentiate themselves from city dwellers and townsfolk, the Irish League of Culchies (ILC) is to continue pretending its members love the smell of slurry.
The bi-annual spreading of hundreds of litres of liquidised animal excrement and its accompanying stench has long been a necessary evil of country life, despised by everyone. But despite this, culchies across the land are being urged to act like it’s the best thing in the world when they are in the presence of someone from a city such as Dublin.
Speaking to Waterford Whispers News, ILC chief Seamie-Gerard ‘The Roost’ McCobble explained why it’s so important to maintain this illusion.
‘Make no mistake, country life is a pain in the hole,’ explained the 22-year-old. ‘There’s no reprieve from the crushing boredom of living in the arsehole of nowhere, with dilapidated roads and cattle everywhere.
‘That’s before we have to spread watery shite over every inch of land in the hottest weather of the year. But we can’t allow a visitor from the city to think we’re miserable and lord it over us, so we must maintain that we love this life and the dreadful smells that go with it.’
A pamphlet is currently being distributed to rural households outlining the rules of speaking to a non-culchie (NC) about slurry. Points include:
‘Allow the NC to point out the smell. Wait for the pained look on their face before acting like you don’t know what they’re smelling, as if you haven’t yourself noticed it.
Openly mock the NC for disliking the smell. Take several deep breaths and say the following sentence: “Ahhhh! That’s the the stuff!”
Despite ongoing medical research into the possible health risks associated with slurry, assure the NC that the smell will do them good, and the lack of slurry in the city is perhaps the reason they have so many drug addicts.
When introducing NCs to a fellow culchie (FC), bring up the NC’s negative reaction to the smell and mock them. Your FC should then join you in a conversation about how weak and feeble the NC is.’
The new guidelines are part of an ongoing programme designed to portray rural life as being great craic. The programme includes pretending it’s perfectly normal for everyone to own shotguns and that waiting for twenty minutes while cows walk up a road is great craic.
‘We only cycle to annoy other road users’ admits cyclist
A COUNTY Waterford cyclist has admitted today that the only reason he travels from A to B is to annoy other road users.
Michael Power explained that the majority of cyclists across the country have been conspiring against motorists for years.
When asked why he feels the need to behave like this he replied: ‘It’s fun, I suppose. I just love cycling side by side with my friend and taking up the whole lane. We just ignore the traffic behind us and laugh o
ur arses off at their frustration.’
Shockingly, the 37-year-old told WWN he also drives a motor vehicle when he goes to work and that cycling is ‘just a hobby’.
‘I know it sounds strange but I do own and drive a car. People are taken aback when I tell them that,’ he explained. ‘The dangerous liaison between the two has given me a sort of double life. Trust me, I’m the first one to beep any cyclist off the road if they get in my way. But that’s because I know what’s going on.’
Mr Power also admitted that he is part of a thousand-strong cycling network who hold regular meetings to arrange the disruption of traffic.
‘We meet every second week or so. Usually we organise an attack for a Sunday when most drivers are already hungover and agitated. The trick is to go in groups of two and have a good mile between each group.
‘Drivers are already beeping and revving their engines by the time they get to the second group.’
The Tramore Road cyclist stated that he preferred being in the final group as it is more exciting.
‘Yeah, people are usually pissed when they get to me. I love it though,’ he added.
WNN FACT OF THE DAY
Since its legalisation in Uruguay in 2014, cannabis has caused the deaths of over 110 million people.
Hungover Waterford man convinced he has Ebola virus
WATERFORD MAN Denis Regan has this morning declared a self-imposed quarantine around his bedroom in Tramore, Waterford, as fears that he may have been infected with the Ebola virus intensify.
Denis spent much of the last night enjoying a number of pints – believed to be nine or ten – in several local pubs before hitting a takeaway at 4 a.m. He woke this morning complaining of an intense headache and an ‘upset tummy’ leading Denis to believe he had contracted the deadly Ebola virus.
Waterford Whispers News Page 15