Waterford Whispers News
Page 17
Despite his concerns Mr Dolan remained hopeful he and his employees would be up to the job.
‘After talking to a number of apparition witnesses we’re fairly certain of its dimensions. Now they weren’t happy about what we’re doing but they were helpful nonetheless. All that’s left to do now is a bit of waiting until it appears again and we’ll have our wrecking balls at the ready. I have the agnostic lads off at other sites just so I can keep a concentration of the Catholic workers here.’
WNN FACT OF THE DAY
When elections are over, candidate posters are donated to African families to make houses.
Copper Face Jacks to open Australian branch following Irish nurse recruitment drive
THE PROPRIETORS of Dublin nightclub Copper Face Jacks have today announced plans to open a branch down under, following a recruitment drive for 150 Irish nurses in Western Australia.
Facing a looming nursing shortage, St John Of God Healthcare in WA has recently begun reaching out to Irish nurses to help make up staff numbers over the next eighteen months. With large numbers of Irish people already living and working in Australia, this new recruitment drive for nurses made the decision for the Harcourt Street nightclub to open a Perth branch a ‘no-brainer’.
‘We’ve been thinking about expanding overseas for years,’ said spokesperson Morgan O’Mahoney, speaking at the official launch of CFJ Australia outside Zaytoon at four this morning.
‘We had thought about Canada, or maybe even London … we always thought it might be a bit too risky to go as far as Australia. But now that there’s going to be at least 150 nurses living in the vicinity, we’ve set the wheels in motion and hope to be open by Christmas.’
O’Mahoney will fly out with delegates from the Harcourt Street establishment to find a suitable venue for the new nightclub, preferably one with inadequate room for the expected crowds and in a neighbourhood that doesn’t mind huge nightly queues of young drunks, sporadic fighting, binge-drinking-related illnesses and the public display of tender loving affection known as fingering.
‘With CFJ Australia, we hope to offer ex-pats the Coppers experience they know and tolerate,’ beamed O’Mahoney, eating a lamb doner with his fingers.
‘And with the recruiting of all these nurses, we believe we’ve found the last piece of the puzzle. We could have opened up a Coppers in Australia at any time, but it just would have been another Irish bar full of culchies looking for a late drink and hoping to get the ride while going buck mad to “Maniac 2000” before getting fucked out by the bouncers for no discernible reason.
‘Now that we can rely on the custom of hundreds of drunk nurses every night, we feel we can offer the homesick Irish in Australia the authentic Coppers night out.’
In related news, the police force in Perth have been made aware of the nature of Copper Face Jacks, and are wholeheartedly in favour of it.
Historic day as Irish children secure 9.30 p.m. bedtime agreement
THERE WERE moving scenes across the country today as the newly unionised children of Ireland secured an extension on their bedtime from the previous time of 9 p.m.
While there may be different arrangements from house to house, this new accord means that should a child between the ages of 6 and 12 want to stay up until 9.30 p.m. they will be permitted to do so in accordance with new child/parent legislation making its way through the Oireachtas.
Children are still required by law to kick, scream and shout until their parents acquiesce but it has been heralded by them as a victory for the ages.
‘With all the tits on TV after 9 o’clock I’m probably going to hit puberty a full year ahead of schedule,’ shared a jubilant Kyle O’Mahony, one of the lead advocates for a later bedtime.
After forming a union, the children had far greater bargaining power when it came to sit-down talks with the parents of Ireland.
Parents are understandably disappointed that they have had to concede to their children as they feel 9.30 p.m. is simply too late and eats into their ‘passive-aggressive relationship breakdown’ time which is usually scheduled between the hours of 9 p.m. and 11 p.m.
Nivea launches factor 500 sunscreen for gingers
SKINCARE COMPANY Nivea announced today that it will manufacture and distribute the world’s first sunscreen with an SPF of 500, designed specifically for people with ginger hair. The product will go on sale in the next few weeks, and will initially be available exclusively to Irish and Scottish markets.
High SPF suncreams have proved ineffective when it comes to protecting ginger-haired, pale-faced members of society, with the current highest factor of 110 still allowing harmful UV rays to cause damage ranging from third degree burns to complete immolation.
A spokesperson for Nivea discussed the need for higher protection in this exclusive interview with WWN.
‘Previous suncreams proved fairly useless when it came to the freckled end of the spectrum,’ said Sol Bailey, head of PR at Nivea. ‘I mean, we’ve all seen the photos online of the Irish guy who burst into flames on the beach in Australia last year. We felt we had a responsibility to create a cream with an SPF high enough to allow even the pastiest ginger to go out in the sun for a half hour or so.’
Bailey went on to describe the revolutionary new cream, which will be available without prescription.
‘There are many differences between SPF500 and your regular suncream. For one, it comes in a can rather than a bottle. The can will have a special roller applicator with it, as the cream is much thicker and cannot be squeezed into the palm of your hand. It’s got a thick, viscous, almost emulsion-like quality to it, and should be reapplied every half-hour or so, depending on the redness of the user’s hair.’
The announcement, which comes in the middle of Ireland’s annual fortnight of sun, was welcomed by Ireland’s 2.5 million carriers of the ginger gene and prompted Ruadhri Fox, the president of the Irish Redheads Association (IRA), to make the following statement on the group’s official website.
‘This will revolutionise summertime for the redhaired population of this island. For so many years we’ve been unable to join all the non-ginger people at barbeques or GAA matches during the summer without coming away looking like a slapped arse. For too long those sun wankers have laughed at us and our propensity to fry when the temperature goes above 20 degrees, but not any more!’
Richard Dawkins doesn’t exist, claim Christians
A SMALL GROUP of fervent Christians has today announced that international bestselling author and prominent atheist Richard Dawkins does not exist.
What at first appeared to be an unlikely news story has quickly grown into a top international story in many countries. The author of The God Delusion and a number of other books has found himself on the front pages of the world’s most respected publications, many of which are openly questioning his existence.
The Christian group responsible for the story, North Ohio: God’s Own Device (NOGOD) church, has remained resolute in the face of much media interest.
‘We have the proof,’ said the group’s leader Leroy Grantham when interviewed by WWN. However, the preacher refused to show our reporter the evidence.
The 74-year-old went on to challenge those who believe in the existence of Richard Dawkins.
‘He has not denied he does not exist so I think that says it all. Have you ever been in the same room as him? Well then you don’t know he’s real?’
Mr Grantham went on to share his fears about atheism with WWN.
‘I saw that film Inception and I get the feeling that atheism is sort of like that, only with less attractive people. They are trying to wake me up when I’m dreaming; it’s terrifying.’
Atheists throughout the world have expressed their disgust at the claims made by the NOGOD group, the general sentiment being summed up by the blogger Atheist Blogger: ‘It’s beyond stupid and offensive to call into question the existence of Richard Dawkins. I feel I shouldn’t waste my breath on what is a desperate PR stunt.’
This brief statement highlights the increasing tensions between the two sides. The atheist community recently came in for heavy criticism when a full-page ad entitled ‘God: the world’s first PR stunt’ ran in a number of American newspapers.
The controversy surrounding Dawkins’ existence or non-existence shows no signs of slowing – BBC’s flagship current affairs show Newsnight leads tonight with a ‘Richard Dawkins: Immaculate Deception?’ feature.
Both God and Richard Dawkins were unavailable for comment when contacted by WWN.
Lifestyle
County footballer runs out of local women to have sex with
WWN has learnt of the sad plight of a prominent inter-county footballer. The Dublin man, whose name has not been released, is struggling under the weight of having slept with pretty much every single woman in his local community.
A source close to the footballer spoke exclusively to WWN about this worrying development. ‘He’s had the pick of the girls, you know, since he’s been kicking a ball but those waters have been well and truly fished. There’s nothing left for him and it’s affecting his game.’
It is believed that the unnamed player suffered the indignity of having to initiate conversation with some women in Coppers this past weekend.
‘It is getting to him all right. He’s used to being lionised and that, but losing a match recently, coupled with sleeping with everyone, has meant that he’s contemplating emigrating,’ the source shockingly revealed to WWN.
It is believed that a number of GAA players have emigrated in the hope of finding Irish women with whom they haven’t had a sexual encounter.
‘Some lads have even set up GAA clubs abroad. The clubs function in the same way as a covert personals ad in the paper, and are a subtle means of drawing new women into their social circle,’ explained one former player now living in Australia.
The Dublin player’s local club is believed to be doing everything in its power to make the player reconsider his move abroad.
‘The selectors have asked him to watch the women’s minor team play just to see the talent coming through but I think his mind is made up,’ a team-mate told WWN.
‘The few weeks after All-Ireland victories are fairly intense, and there’s a ticketed system for the female fans but that’s all died away now. It’s really quite sad when you think about it, the poor fella,’ concluded the source.
Reeling in the Years: IRB horse-drawn missile launchers, 1918
During the ongoing struggle for independence, large numbers of specially trained palomino ponies were smuggled in from Libya to aid the Irish Republican Brotherhood’s logistical weapons programme.
The horse-drawn launchers were cleverly disguised as vats of Downes No. 9 whiskey, so as they could be moved easily from location to location by the ponies without being detected by the evil Black and Tans.
It is estimated that 297,000 British soldiers were directly killed by the missiles.
After the truce of 1921, many of the horses used to draw the missile launchers were decommissioned and left to roam the streets of Waterford to fend for themselves.
Alcoholism soon ensued, and the people decided that the drunken horses should be humanely destroyed and processed into dog food.
This is the only known photograph of a horse-drawn missile launcher in action. Unfortunately, the one in this picture accidentally killed twelve innocent Kilkenny people who were on their way to Ballybricken Mart.
New diet craze kills only 30 per cent of participants
A new dieting craze that has been sweeping the Nation since 1 January has come under fresh scrutiny following a number of revelations.
Thousands of people up and down the country have been following new ‘uberdiet’ Gutt Ü after leading magazines claimed that a number of celebrities had used it to lose that pesky pre-pregnancy and post-pregnancy weight.
However, despite early positive feedback that 7 out of 10 people on the diet managed to remain alive, the diet’s critics have pointed to the fact that 30 per cent of dieters have died.
The Gutt Ü diet is the brainchild of Klaus Von Wunderbar who drew inspiration from the lifestyle of famine victims throughout the world. Now 80 years of age and a millionaire many times over Mr Von Wunderbar was unavailable for comment when contacted by WWN but we spoke instead to leading dietician Maura S. Lessing.
‘While typical diets focus on omitting carbohydrates or dairy or some such, Gutt Ü involves cutting out fats, dairy, carbohydrates, protein and any other source of nutrition that might prevent weight loss,’ explained Lessing.
‘You may have a 3 in 10 chance of dying but, on the plus side, if you survive you’ll have that coveted malnutrition chic which is of course worth its weight in gold,’ she concluded.
Gutt Ü classes, with their focus on a quick solution that requires next to no effort from the participant, continue to pop up around Ireland and elsewhere in the world.
‘We don’t encourage exercise,’ Gutt Ü group leader Steve Harding told WWN. ‘When you get a body to die for through Gutt Ü, your bones become too brittle for any exercise so it’s best not to risk it.’
Diary of a JobBridge intern
WEEK 32
Monday
Terry hasn’t asked me to clean his new car yet but I cleaned it out of habit. He randomly started crying the other day and said he was sorry, probably for taking credit for my potato article or maybe it was for that time he left a poo in my desk drawer but never admitted to it. Paddy has stopped being nicer to me – was bound to wear off at some point. Stuck doing the long shifts again. Another JobBridge intern started yesterday, Kevin Ahern. I’m back to being ‘Trev’ again. He wrote a great piece on the history of Waterford Crystal, page four. Not a bad first day.
Friday
Kevin Ahern’s been made full time, which is obviously great for him. Paddy didn’t explain the reasoning there but I think his JobBridge contract was a little more flexible. I’m in WWN 8 months now. Paddy said if I really dug in and applied myself he would see about renewing the internship for another year. Reading up a lot about Leinster House for my visit. Some very detailed maps of the layout available online, plenty of weak security links. Read up about that fella who got arrested for going into Leinster House with those knives. When you think about it he really didn’t do enough planning.
Issue 17
WEATHER FORECAST
Gail warning in place as Coronation Street character visits Wexford this afternoon.
Thousands of women flock to Ireland to not have abortions
A NEW STUDY has shown a significant increase in the number of pregnant women travelling to Ireland to take advantage of the country’s strict anti-abortion laws. Figures show that the majority of the women come from the UK but many travel from mainland Europe, where abortion is a perfectly legal option for pregnant women.
Women – hysterical, emotional creatures who lack the ability to decide what is best for themselves – have found that leaving their homes and going to a place where abortion just isn’t an option is the best course of action when they find themselves in a situation they can’t even begin to understand. The trips, dubbed ‘pregnancy holidays’, usually begin during the first trimester, and last for the duration of the pregnancy.
‘Abortion is perfectly legal in my own country, but as a woman I obviously can’t be trusted to make choices about my body,’ said one 29-year-old woman from London, who we’ll just assume to be a total slut who doesn’t even know who her child’s father is.
‘When I found out that I was pregnant I got the boat to Ireland where I wouldn’t have to worry about making any tough decisions, because someone will make all of them for me. There’s just too much choice back home. I think it’s best to be in a country where, if you’re pregnant, you’re treated like the walking incubation vessel that you are.’
The rise in ‘pregnancy holidays’ has been welcomed by several Irish Pro-Life organisations. Pascal Maguire, head of the Cailíní Amaide
ach Institute, has issued a statement in which he invites any woman who allowed herself to get into an unplanned pregnancy to come to Ireland to gestate.
‘We’ve got the world’s most comprehensive lack of options for pregnant women right here in Ireland,’ boasted Maguire, a 55-year-old bachelor.
‘Having an abortion is 100 per cent guaranteed to ruin your life forever, and when you’re pregnant your hormones will play all kinds of tricks on you, telling you that you can’t cope with a baby and trying to convince you to have a termination. Women in other countries can easily attend abortion clinics and receive proper advice, support and counselling to help them make their own decisions, but in Ireland, you don’t need to decide if you’re in the right state of mind to carry a child to term; we have a panel of people to decide that for you.’
ALSO IN THE NEWS
Gardaí going to let emergency calls go to answering machine this bank holiday weekend
Emoticons to replace all written words by 2019
Parents in tense ‘count to 10’ standoff with child
Public warned about potentially lethal batch of ‘bad pints’
THE HSE HAS WARNED of a highly dangerous batch of ‘bad pints’ that have been linked to several cases of severe illness around the country.
One of the victims, an 18-year-old girl who consumed up to eight bad pints last night, is now said to be dying altogether.
Worryingly, there seems to be no one type of alcohol affected by the bad pint batch, with consumers of cider, lager, stout and ale all reporting symptoms including vomiting, diarrhea, headaches and a general sense of fear and dread.
Gardaí investigating the claims have swooped on several premises said to be serving bad pints, although forensic analysis has failed to show the presence of any irregularities or misconduct. As the majority of customers reported no ill effects from the drink they were served, this has prompted stricken customers to speculate as to whether they were served the tainted alcohol from a different tap.