Meg watched as Frances’s skin blanched white. On one level she instantly regretted her words, but she was still far too angry and too hurt to be able even to attempt to retract them. Frances stood up.
‘Very well,’ she said, steadily. She collected her coat from the coat rack and Meg watched her as she opened the front door. The first grey streaks of dawn were rising in the sky. Frances paused and looked at Meg.
‘I know you put up with me,’ she said. ‘I know you don’t really like me very much, that you think I’m bossy and difficult. But you’ve been the nearest thing to a friend that I’ve ever had. I hate him for what he’s done to you. I honestly hate him for it.’ Suddenly Frances’s voice caught with unshed tears. ‘I just want things back the way they were.’
She drew up her collar around herears and hurried off into the dark morning.
Meg closed the door and held Iris close to her, soothing the baby until her cries subsided again.
She knew exactly how Frances felt.
She would have done anything to turn the clock back to that night she had spent with Robert. To have not seen that text or needed so much to know what it meant. Perhaps if she had just gone to sleep that night instead of picking up Robert’s trousers, that would have been the turning point. Perhaps that night he would have realised he didn’t need anyone else. He might have come back to her then without her having to know that he had left.
But it was too late. She couldn’t undo what had been done.
It would be morning soon and then she would have to get dressed and get on with it, just as Frances said. She’d have to face the new day, uncertain of what the future might hold but ready to deal with it, whatever it was.
But until then, in the few short hours until the emerging dawn turned into daylight, she could be as pathetic and as miserable and as scared and as devastated as she wanted to be, as indeed she was.
Until the day began, she could mourn the death of her marriage.
Chapter Twenty-two
Natalie woke up with a start as if she’d just remembered something urgent she had to do and then she realised. She’d already done it. Or, more precisely, she’d already done him.
She rolled over, looking at Gary in the half light of the early dawn. He was not asleep either; his eyes were wide open, looking up at the unfamiliar ceiling of her home office. In the heat of the moment she had thought it would be the most appropriate place for them to spend the night.
‘What are you thinking?’ she asked him. ‘And I don’t mean that you have to tell me something wonderful or romantic, I just wondered what you were thinking.’
Gary turned and looked at her. ‘I’m wondering if I should be here,’ he said, simply.
Natalie nodded. ‘I don’t think you being here is bad,’ she replied after a moment’s pause. ‘Because we both wanted what happened to happen and what happened was really nice and neither one of us wants anything else to happen that the other person doesn’t want so really when you think about it everything that’s happened is fine.’
‘Pardon?’ Gary asked her, with a hint of a smile.
Natalie smiled back and stretched out. She had been worried she’d feel self-conscious about her post-baby body, after all this was the first time that she had had sex with anybody since Freddie was born. She was worried that it would feel different, that she would feel different and that it might possibly hurt. Everything had changed ‘down there’ since the stitches – it even looked totally different, as she had discovered with the aid of a compact mirror one morning. She was nervous and tense as the crucial moment approached but she didn’t have to worry about being inhibited, in fact the opposite had rapidly become true. The heat of Gary’s desire for her had been so urgent and frankly so obvious that it had been impossible not to feel desirable. Somehow the combination of his solid muscular mass and her soft pliant body had worked wonderfully well. And when he was inside her she quickly forgot her worries about any pain or discomfort. For a time she forgot everything.
So although she was certain the feeling would not last, just for those few hours Natalie had gloried in her flabby tummy, her stretch marks and enlarged breasts. Gary had made her feel something she hadn’t felt since well before Freddie was born. He made her feel like an individual again, a separate person whose purpose stretched beyond that of merely being a baby-support system. Natalie hadn’t realised until that state of self had been returned to her just how much she had let it slip away; she hadn’t really missed it until she got it back.
‘What I’m saying is I needed last night, more than I realised actually. I’d really started to fancy you a lot, which is odd because you’re not my usual type, but I was starting to get quite heated and anyway,’ Natalie smiled wryly, ‘it was a great night. I don’t regret it at all so don’t worry about me. I know your work here is nearly finished and you’ll be moving on. I don’t expect you to fall in love with me or marry me or any nonsense like that.’
Gary watched her, saying nothing for a moment or two.
‘Maybe it’s not you I’m worried about, Natalie.’ He smiled sideways at her. ‘I get asked out now then on dates, mostly ones my mate’s wives have set me up on. Women can’t stand to see a man of a certain age single, it drives them mad! But nothing’s ever come of them. I never click with anyone, I haven’t got all that talk some women like. But I liked you as soon as I saw you.’ Gary paused. ‘I thought you were married but you’re not. Which makes you a bit mental but also available. I’d like to see you again, Natalie.’
‘I like you too,’ she said, in an attempt to dodge the issue. ‘I really do.’
‘So do you really want me to just go when I finish the job, or would you like to see me again too?’ Gary asked her with some effort.
Natalie drew a circle on the sheet with her fingertip as she considered what he had just said. The bald truth of the matter was that if she did see him again it would be for all the wrong reasons, and she couldn’t do that to him.
‘Gary, last night was important to me but I . . . I think I’ve treated you unfairly. I wanted you to take me to bed, I wanted you to put your arms around me like you said and make everything go away and you did for a while. But more than anything I thought that if I . . . if we spentthe night together it would help get me over Freddie’s dad. And it couldn’t, no matter how wonderful it was, because all the feelings I had yesterdaywere bound to still be there this morning. I can’t just dump them in one night. I have to let them sort of wear away. And I can’t see anyone while I’m waiting for that to happen. It’s not fair.’
‘Can’t I decide if it’s fair or not?’ Gary asked her.
‘Any minute Freddie will be up,’ Natalie said. ‘And worse still my mother will drag herself from her pit and want to know what’s going on. If she catches you here my life will be pure misery until the day I can finally get her to leave again. Actually it will be pure misery anyway, but she’ll have more ammunition and I can’t have that.’
‘I think you’re a bit hard on her, you know,’ Gary said, sitting up in bed, accepting the change in subject with good grace. He was aware, Natalie realised, that she had chosen not to directly answer his question, but he seemed at the moment quite content to let it pass.
‘Are you joking? You spent the evening with her!’ Natalie cried.
‘Yes I did,’ Gary said, looking faintly puzzled as he spotted his boxers on the back of the desk chair. ‘And yes she is a drunk, scary, over-the-top kind of woman. The sort of woman you wouldn’t choose to be your mother. But, well, you’ll hate me for saying this, Natalie, but you and she aren’t that dissimilar.’
Natalie looked at him, horrified.
‘I actually do hate you!’ she told him, although his words were not exactly a revelation. For as long as she could remember she had been hiding from the fear that she would inevitably turn into the woman she frequently loathed, and the weird thing was that the more she fought against it, the quicker it seemed to be happening.
; ‘She talked about you a lot last night,’ Gary said. ‘She really loves you, you know, and she’s ever so proud of you.’
Natalie looked at him as if he were mad.
‘Don’t be silly,’ she said flatly.
‘She is. She told me.’
Natalie sat up too, drawing the covers up under her chin, and feeling the chill of the morning air raise goosebumps along her spine.
‘She has never once said that to me. Not once.’
‘Well, she said it to me, so don’t you think you should try a bit harder?’
Natalie shook her head. ‘No, no I don’t think I should,’ she said bitterly. ‘I think she should.’
She felt the warmth of Gary’s palm on her back and she resisted the temptation to lean on it. It would be all too easy to lean on him for support, but she had to get through this part of life on her own two feet. Only then would she be truly ready for whatever the future held, even if it was the possibility of ending up like her mother.
‘That piece of information didn’t exactly have the effect on you I thought it would,’ he said.
‘It’s just that she can say that to you, the man she was planning to stun into paralysis with her spider venom and then bind up in her web before eating you. But she can’t say it to me. And that makes me angry.’ Natalie shook herself as if she could physically dissipate the anger she was feeling.
‘Look, don’t worry about me,’ she said, summoning a smile. ‘I’ll be fine. It’s enough that you had sex with me and fixed the wiring, you don’t have to solve my family problems too!’
‘Glad to be of service,’ Gary said wryly as he reached for his boxers, and sitting on the edge of the sofa bed he began to pull them on.
Natalie watched him in this oddly touching and vulnerable moment and before she knew it she had flung her arms around his shoulders, pressing her bare breasts into his back.
‘You are a nice man, Gary,’ she told him.
‘Nice?’ Gary said. His tone was casual but Natalie had felt all the muscles in his neck and shoulders contract when she had touched him.
‘Yes, nice,’ she replied. ‘Don’t underestimate the sexiness of being a nice and decent man.’
Gary shrugged. ‘Nice,’ he said with some resignation.
Natalie looked at him. He seemed like such an easy person to be with. This had been a rarity in her previous relationships, not that she could count Gary as a relationship. Nor for that matter could she count many of the men in her life as relationships. For a second Natalie got a glimpse of what life with a man like Gary could be like. Relaxed mornings talking about nothing especially. Friday nights in, watching TV and eating Chinese. Saturday mornings shopping in ASDA. Great sex every now and then, and more importantly a steadfast, warm and loyal friendship. For a second it didn’t seem like too terrible a prospect.
‘I wish things were simpler,’ she said wistfully.
Now fully dressed, Gary knelt on the sofa bed and leaning forward, kissed her briefly on the lips. He looked into her eyes.
‘I’ll be back later on today to clear up and settle the bill,’ he said.
‘Oh, you old romantic,’ Natalie replied, laughing.
‘I could try to be romantic for you,’ Gary said, standing up. ‘But you don’t want that, do you?’
‘No,’ Natalie said regretfully as she closed the door softly behind him. ‘I don’t suppose I do.’
Chapter Twenty-three
Natalie was trying hard not to notice Tiffany staring at her.
‘Cake, anyone?’ she offered, passing a plate of Jamaican ginger around the rather subdued table.
‘Jill says she’ll put you in touch with a divorce lawyer if you want,’ Steve told Meg. ‘She says she knows a woman who can get you anything you want and more besides in settlement.’ He was very careful to avoid looking at Frances, who sat straight-backed at the end of the kitchen table, all too aware of her unspoken status as a potential spy in the camp. She wouldn’t have come to this meeting except that Meg had asked Jess to phone her and make sure she did. She told Jess to say she was sorry for what she said last night, and that she’d hate to lose Frances too. So Frances had come to the meeting, and Meg thought it had to be a true testament to their friendship that she had done so.
‘It hasn’t come to that yet, surely,’ Frances said, but everyone ignored her.
‘I don’t know what I want,’ Meg said flatly. For now at least it seemed that the tears and anger had evaporated into a more manageable numbness. From this position of emotional paralysis Meg supposed she should begin to try to imagine what the future would hold, even if it seemed impossible to visualise the next ten hours, let alone the next ten years. As the thought crossed her mind she had a sudden vision of herself ten years from now, trying to manage four teenagers alone. It was a terrifying vision.
‘I don’t know what I want,’ she repeated.
‘Well, the house for starters,’ Natalie said. ‘And half of everything else, at least.’
‘It’s too soon to be talking about this,’ Jess said, reaching out and laying her hand on the back of Meg’s wrist. Meg looked at Jess’s hand but she didn’t seem to be able to feel it.
‘It’s not too soon,’ Steve said regretfully. ‘Jill says she knew about this one guy who as soon as his affair came out emptied all the joint bank accounts and moved all his assets into his girlfriend’s name. He fleeced his wife good and proper. The poor woman was left with almost nothing. She says you need to talk to a lawyer now, maybe even today.’
‘No she doesn’t,’ Frances said from the other end of the table. Nobody looked at her. ‘Look, Robert is at my house, I know exactly what’s he’s doing and he’s not doing any of that. The only thing he’s doing is wondering why he’s behaved like such a fool. He’s devastated, Megan. He’d do anything to try to turn the clock back.’
‘Shame he didn’t think about that when he was practically chewing the face off that woman the other day,’ Natalie said sharply. ‘He is the one who is responsible for the end of this marriage and he’ll have to live with it.’
‘He is fully aware of that,’ Frances said. ‘But there is more to think about than houses and assets – there are the children . . .’
‘He wasn’t giving them much thought while he was carrying on with her, was he?’ Jess felt compelled to say. ‘He was with her when Iris was being born, Frances. Defend that.’
Frances kept her features perfectly level.
‘I do not defend him,’ she said. ‘I’m only saying . . .’
‘Look,’ Natalie said. ‘We’re here for Meg, not Robert. If you can’t support her then you’d better go.’
‘I support them both,’ Frances said, and when no one replied she began to rise slowly from her chair.
‘Wait!’ When Meg spoke everybody looked at her. ‘Don’t go, Frances, you’re right,’ she said.
‘Pardon?’ Natalie looked confused.
‘She’s right,’ Meg told the group. ‘It’s too soon to think about lawyers, it’s too soon to make up a list of what I want from my marriage. I need time to think about what’s going to happen to me and the children. I need to decide if I really want this to be over.’
‘What?’ Jess said, looking around at the others for support. ‘Of course it’s over, Meg. You can’t go back from this! Can you?’
Meg shook her head and looked at Jess. ‘I don’t know,’ she said, with some emphasis. ‘But I need to be able to think about it for the children’s sake and for mine. Frances understands that, and if the rest of you can’t then perhaps you should be the ones to go.’
Natalie, Jess, Tiffany and Steve exchanged glances.
‘We’re here to support you, whatever you want,’ Natalie said.
‘Even if I take Robert back?’ Meg asked her.
Natalie nodded. ‘If that is what you choose, Meg. But please promise me you won’t make that decision based on the fear of being alone. Because you’ll never be alone. You’ll always have your friends. A
nd you are a stronger and more capable woman than you realise.’
Meg raised her head and looked at Natalie.
‘Were you married in a church, Natalie?’ she asked her suddenly.
‘Er, no,’ Natalie said, noticing Tiffany was staring hard at her again. She was clearly waiting for Natalie to make the confession that she had assured Tiffany she would make days ago. Surely the girl realised that it still wasn’t the right time, that right now no one wanted to know about her non-marriage. ‘It was a package-holiday thing, on the beach. It was lovely. Gary looked great in white trunks.’
‘I bet he does,’ Tiff said under her breath.
Natalie frowned at her and looked at Meg. ‘Why do you ask?’
‘I got married in a church,’ Meg said. ‘I don’t go to church a lot and I’m not exactly religious but that ceremony meant something so special to me. When I spoke those vows I meant them absolutely. Marriage is not always supposed to be easy. It’s easy to let things go wrong. It’s easy to lose your way and make the wrong decisions and most of all, it is far too easy to just give up when things seem too hard or too painful. Robert had sex with someone else, he lied to me and betrayed me, and the thought of being able to get over that and to carry on being married to him sickens and appals me.’ Meg paused, closing her eyes for a moment as she fought to compose herself. ‘But not being able to do it terrifies me too. I have four children who love him. And I love him. If he was leaving me and didn’twant to come back then I wouldn’t have a choice. But I do have a choice, and it’s one that I owe to my children and myself to think very, very carefully about. When I took those vows I meant them, every word.’
Everyone else at the table sat in silence for a second. They had never seen Meg look so serious but more than that, so strong. In her weakest and most vulnerable moment she seemed to be more determined and more certain than ever.
‘But, Meg, it’s Robert whose broken the vows,’ Jess reminded her tentatively.
Meg looked levelly at her. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Yes he has, but don’t you see? I haven’t – yet. I haven’t broken them. And I will have to think long and hard about whether or not I am going to.’ She suddenly looked so tired and young, like a little lost child.
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