‘He cried!’ Natalie burst out. ‘Good. I’m glad he cried. He should cry over what he’s done I don’t know how you can even think of having him back, Meg, I have to say it. I’m sorry – I am trying to understand.’
‘He’s behaved like a prick,’ Meg said, thinking of her and Frances’s name-calling extravaganza with a smile. ‘But he’s still here. He wants to come back. He wants me and the children, not her.’
Natalie looked sceptical as they got into the lift.
‘Just don’t forget exactly how much of prick he has been,’ she said. ‘That’s all I ask. He might be crying now, but what about when he’s got his feet back under the table. I really respect your values, I actually admire you, more than you can know. But you don’t have to have him back, you know, it’s not compulsory. You’d be fine without him.’
‘I know,’ Meg said. ‘I don’t feel it yet, it’s still all too soon and too raw. But I do know that one day in the not so distant future I would be strong enough to be without him. But the thing is, I don’t want to be without him. That hasn’t changed.’
The lift pinged and the doors slid open. When they got outside Tiffany was waiting for them with Jordan dangling in her arms, impatient to be free.
‘Hi,’ she said anxiously. ‘Thanks for coming a bit early like I asked. I wanted to know if I’d got it all right.’
‘If you’ve got cake,’ Natalie assured her, ‘I don’t really see how you can get it remotely wrong.’
Tiffany’s flat looked very nice and she told Natalie as she followed her into the kitchen that her mum had helped her get it ready; she showed Natalie a large brown teapot containing seven tea bags, waiting to be filled with boiling water.
‘My mum lent me this. One per person and one for the pot, my Nan used to say,’ Tiffany said, peering into the teapot. ‘Is that right, or is it one of those old wives’ tales whatsits?’
‘I think you need at least seven,’ Natalie said. ‘I like my tea strong.’
Next to the teapot Tiffany had placed two plates of Mr Kipling’s French Fancies, arranged on paper napkins.
Natalie smiled.
‘It looks stupid, doesn’t it?’ Tiffany asked her in dismay. ‘You think it’s funny.’
Natalie laughed. ‘Don’t be an idiot, Tiff. I was smiling because you’ve got French Fancies. I bloody love those!’ She put her arm around Tiffany’s slender shoulder and gave her a little hug.
‘You look very well organised.’ Natalie glanced into the sunny sitting room, where Meg was showing James the view. Tiffany had borrowed four dining chairs from her neighbour and had somehow acquired a red and white striped deckchair too. She had set them out in a big circle, including the beanbag, ready and waiting for their occupants. In the middle of the circle there was a coffee table that Natalie was certain she had last seen in Janine’s conservatory, topped off with a white lace runner.
‘So you and Janine are seeing a lot of each other,’ Natalie said.
‘Yeah, she’s round more and more.’ Tiffany wrinkled her nose. ‘Is it too much that lace cloth thing? Do I look like a little girl playing tea parties?’
Natalie shook her head. ‘Not at all,’ she said, even though it wasn’t exactly true. ‘You’ve got enough chairs for everyone, play mats out for the babies to roll on. And cake!’ She looked thoughtful. ‘Actually, will you come over a bit early before my turn and organise mine for me too?’
Tiffany smiled. ‘So it’s all right then?’
‘Of course it is,’ Natalie reassured her. ‘It’s perfect.’
Jess was the next to arrive, along with Steve whom she had met on the bus.
‘Hi,’ she called as she parked her buggy on the landing outside the front door. ‘I’m glad it’s such a lovely day. I nearly didn’t come. Poor Jacob can’t seem to shake off this cold. We were both up what seemed like most of last night. He’s all bunged up and can’t sleep, bless him. I thought the fresh air might help.’
‘Brilliant place, Tiff,’ Steve added, appearing behind her with Lucy in his arms. ‘This is where it’s at, you know. Streets in the sky. Post-industrial modernity.’
‘Told you,’ Natalie said under her breath, digging Meg in the ribs.
Natalie looked round at the random group of friends that she had somehow acquired as they compared babies and chatted. It was such a relief to be here with them all. They made her feel as if she was on an even keel again, a calm sea at last, even if it was just for an hour or so; it was a break from the ups and downs of her other life.
Maybe things had gone, if not wrong, not exactly right with Jack, but there were other parts of her life that were starting to fall slowly into place. An improving relationship with her mother was one of them, and her baby group friends another. Natalie knew that now things were a little more steady she had to tell them about the real Jack and the fake Gary. It was the next, the last task on her list of brave and grown-up jobs to do. She just wasn’t sure how she would ever begin to explain herself.
‘There are boys in hooded tops, down there,’ was the first thing Frances said when she arrived with Henry in a sling and her handbag practically welded under her arm. ‘I didn’t like the look of them at all.’
‘Oh they’re always there,’ Tiff said, as she peered out of the kitchen window.
‘Honestly, Frances,’ Natalie said, happy to be hypocritical, ‘don’t be such a bigot, they are perfectly nice young men. They gave Freddie back his toy that he dropped the other day.’
It was clearly not enough to satisfy Frances.
‘Well, I think we should all leave together,’ she said. ‘Safety in numbers after all. Or we could send Steve out in his trunks again,’ she added, to general amazement. ‘That would send them packing.’ It took a second or two for everyone to understand that Frances had made a joke, but the instant they did there was much laughter and Frances glowed with timid pleasure.
A little while later, as they all sipped their tea, Frances leaned towards Meg, who was kneeling on the floor with James and Iris, and said, ‘Robert has left his job. He phoned them yesterdayand sent the letter today. He told me to tell you he hopes that makes you happy, so I’m telling you, but I told him that I thought not sleeping with another woman might have been the best way to guarantee that.’
The others in the group exchanged glances and raised eyebrows. It wasn’t that Frances had changed, exactly, it was more as if she had loosened some invisible stays that had been constricting her inwardly and now she could finally breathe.
Meg’s smile was fragile. ‘Well, I’m happier than I would have been if my husband had gone back to work with that woman, that’s for sure,’ she said with a small shrug.
‘I’ll make certain I tell him that,’ Frances said stoutly. ‘But I am worried about how you are going to manage without his money coming in.’
‘Somehow,’ Meg said. She smiled round at the group. ‘Look, you’ve all been so good to me, really supportive and it’s meant a lot, it really has. But please, I don’t want to talk about me today. I want to talk about all of you and the babies, and forget about me for an hour or two. Could we do that, please?’ She looked at Jess, who had the back of her hand on Jacob’s forehead as she rocked him.
‘How’s Jacob doing?’ she asked her.
‘Not so good,’ Jess said, with a little frown. ‘His fever has gone, but he’s so bunged up he can’t feed or sleep, poor mite.’
‘Looks like he’s nodded off now,’ Natalie said, lowering her voice. Jess looked down at Jacob. His eyes were closed at last, his lashes brushed the tops of his apple cheeks and his little mouth was a wide-open O.
‘Do you want to put him in Jordan’s cot?’ Tiffany offered. ‘I just changed the sheets this morning.’
‘Um.’ Jess looked down at her son, who weighed heavy in her arms.
‘Oh go on, Jess,’ Natalie prompted her, seeing how tired she looked. ‘He’ll only be in the next room, he’ll soon let you know if he’s not happy, don’t worry! Give yourself
that rare treat when you actually get to drink a cup of tea and eat cake simultaneously.’
Jess smiled. ‘OK then, thanks, Tiff,’ she said and she followed Tiffany into the bedroom.
‘So,’ Meg said as Tiffany and Jess came back a moment later. ‘Who’s got anything interesting to tell us? Steve?’
‘Well,’ Steve said. ‘This might be my last baby group.’ The women made gratifying sounds of dismay. ‘Or at least my last one on my own,’ he added, when he was sure they would be disappointed if he left.‘Jill is leaving work. She’s going to take her maternity leave after all and I’m ramping up the amount of freelancing I do. It means we’ll be feeling the pinch but we’ll have more time together, and Jill will get more time with Lucy, which is what we both want. I told her that you were a great bunch of people, great friends, even if you don’t respect a man’s Speedos.’
‘It’s not the Speedos we don’t respect, Steve,’ Natalie teased him gently. ‘It’s the man.’
‘Mum’s going to meet Anthony properly next week,’ Tiffany said. ‘She’s coming for tea, poor Anthony’s bricking it!’ She laughed. ‘Dad knows and he’s doing his nut, but Mumdoesn’t care – she’s suddenly gone all hardcore. She said she told him it was about time he dragged himself into the twenty-first century and realised what a small-minded idiot he was. Dad threatened to throw her out as well, but she told him he wouldn’t last five minutes without her. He knows she’s right.’
‘And what about you, Natalie?’ Meg looked at her. ‘What have you been up to?’
This was the moment, Natalie thought. The ideal moment to tell them. Here were all the baby group gathered in one place, relaxed and relatively happy. All looking like quite friendly and reasonable people. Natalie knew she had to tell them the truth about herself, if she was serious about their friendship. She had to be as honourable and as straight with them as they were with her.
‘Well, actually,’ she began, taking a deep breath. ‘There is something . . .’
‘Oh, hang on.’ Jess leapt to her feet making Natalie jump. ‘I need a wee, just wait a minute. I don’t want to miss anything.’
Natalie closed her mouth as her friend headed towards the bathroom.
A second later a scream tore through the flat.
‘Jacob!’ Jess shrieked, as Tiffany raced into the bedroom, followed closely by Natalie.
Natalie saw Jacob’s head as she peered over Tiffany’s shoulder. For a second he looked as if he might be sleeping. But he was terribly pale, and terribly still and there was a frightening bluish tint around his mouth and nose.
‘Oh God,’ Jess’s voice was shaking as she picked him up. ‘He feels cold, he feels really cold. Oh God, oh Jacob, wake up, wake up now . . .’
‘He’s stopped breathing,’ Tiffany said, her voice surprisingly clear and calm. ‘It can only have been for a minute, if that. It was only a minute ago we put him in the cot.’
‘Oh God, my baby!’ Jess’s cries began to reach a heartrending crescendo. ‘Oh Jacob! Jacob!’
‘Give him to me,’ Tiffany pleaded, but Jess held him closer to her chest.
‘No, no, no, no, please no.’ Jess stood there rocking Jacob in her arms, shaking her head. ‘No, not again.’
‘Jess, listen, give him to me,’ Tiffany said, firmly. ‘I went to a class about baby CPR. Let me have him. I know what to do, it’s important.’
‘Jess, let Tiffany have him,’ Natalie urged, and as Jess released her son she collapsed into Natalie’s arms. The baby’s legs flopped lifelessly like a doll’s as Tiffany took him, his arms swinging at his sides.
The room was silent.
‘Wake up, Jakey!’ Tiffany bellowed as she tugged at his arm quite firmly. ‘Wake up, baby!’
‘She’s hurting him,’ Jess whimpered, her fingers digging into Natalie’s arms. ‘Don’t hurt him, please!’
‘It’s all right,’ Natalie murmured, her tense and frightened tone not managing to convey reassurance. All she knew was that she remembered nothing useful about that first-aid class, and if she couldn’t then why should a teenage girl?
‘Right.’ Tiffany’s young face looked tight and pale, she took a breath. She sat on the edge of her bed, put Jacob on his tummy over her forearm and angled his head down.
She slapped him hard twice between his shoulder blades with the heel of her other hand.
‘Oh my God!’ Jess shrieked, struggling to pull out of Natalie’s arms, but Natalie held her back. ‘Stop hurting him!’ She broke free and fell on her knees in front of Jacob. There was a second of deathly silence.
‘Sorry,’ Tiffany said quickly, and then she hit him again.
And then Jacob coughed. Once, twice. Jess gasped and Tiffany looked amazed as she hit him with the heel of her hand again, one firm bang between his shoulder blades. A thick blob of green mucus flew out of his mouth.
And suddenly Jacob was crying. He was crying hard and gasping for breath, the colour returning to his cheeks almost immediately.
‘Jacob!’ Jess cried and silently Tiffany put him into her arms. ‘Oh my God, Jacob.’ She looked up at Tiffany, tears streaming down her face. ‘How can I ever thank you? You saved him.’
Jacob howled, his cry wonderfully loud in what had been total silence. One by one, five other babies who had been perfectly quiet for those few terrible moments joined in, until the flat was filled with a life-affirming din.
‘We need to call an ambulance,’ Tiffany said, her voice shaking. ‘We need to get him checked over properly. It might happen again or he might have been starved of oxygen.’
‘I’ll do it,’ Steve volunteered from the doorway.
‘That was amazing, Tiffany,’ Meg said, on the breath she felt that she had been holding in for hours.
‘You saved his life,’ Frances added in awe. ‘You knew what to do.’
‘I did, didn’t I?’ Tiffany’s voice trembled. ‘I think I’m going to cry now.’
Natalie reached out and put an arm around both her and Jess .
‘It’s OK,’ she said. ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to worry now.’
Jess snapped away from her in one sudden shocking movement.
‘Don’t you tell me not to worry,’ she said accusingly to Natalie, her voice low with fury.
‘I only meant . . .’ Natalie began.
‘You’re just like the rest of them, you’re worse,’ Jess was shouting, her voiced raised above the chorus of babies. ‘Always telling me I worry too much, always saying I’m overreacting, I’m being too anxious. So bloody smug and so bloody perfect. Acting like you know it all, like you know my child better than I do. Put him down in the cot you said, don’t worry so much you said. But if I’d kept him with me this wouldn’t have happened, if I had kept him with me he would have been safe.’
‘Jess, you’re in shock.’ Meg touched her on the arm but she recoiled from her, cradling Jacob to her chest, his plump fist beating at her shoulder.
‘Just leave me alone, all of you!’ she cried, her eyes hot and dry. ‘None of you know what it’s like to lose a child. None of you know what it’s like to hold your dead baby in your arms! I do!’
The others looked at each other, all horror-struck except for Natalie, who hung her head.
‘Jess . . .’ Meg began. ‘We had no idea . . .’
‘She did,’ Jess said, stabbing a finger at Natalie. ‘I told her, I trusted her and all she did was tell me not to worry so much.’ She paused for breath and rested her forehead against Jacob’s.
‘Don’t tell me not to worry,’ she went on, the power but not the fury drained from her voice. ‘Don’t you tell me any more that it will be all right, because you don’t know that. Nobody knows that.’
There was a hammering at the door and Steve showed two paramedics into the room.
‘Jess, look –’ Natalie struggled to know what to say. ‘I’ll come to the hospital and wait . . .’
One of the paramedics took Jacob carefully from Jess and laid him on the bed before checking
him over.
‘We’d better take him, to be on the safe side,’ he said to Jess. ‘OK, love?’
Jess nodded.
‘Do you want to bring a friend?’ the paramedic asked her.
‘No, I don’t want them anywhere near me,’ Jess said. The paramedic wrapped a blanket around both her and Jacob and led them out of the flat.
‘She’s had a shock,’ Frances said thoughtfully a few minutes later, when they had all retrieved their babies and mostly calmed them. ‘And she’s frightened and angry. But not at you, Natalie, she just lashed out at you.’
Natalie shook her head, holding Freddie close to her chest so that she could feel the heat of him against her skin.
‘No,’ she said. ‘I mean, yes, she said it because she was angry and in shock but she was right, too. I am always telling her not to worry. I am always telling her everything will be all right. I do always treat her as if I think she’s a little bit mad for not being more relaxed with Jacob. And I knew that she had lost two babies before. She’s right to be angry with me. I’ve been crass and insensitive and told her all along that she was seeing problems where there were none. She should blame me.’
‘Nobody could have guessed what would happen when she put him down for a nap,’ Meg said. ‘You couldn’t see it coming.’
‘Jess would have,’ Natalie said with a shrug. ‘If I hadn’t distracted her, belittled her worries.’
‘If that’s what you’ve done then we all have,’ Steve said. ‘We’ve all let her down.’
The group didn’t speak for a while until eventually Tiffany said, ‘So what do we do now?’
‘The only thing we can do,’ Natalie said immediately. ‘Be good friends, be friends who won’t let her down. Go to the hospital and wait.’
They waited in the hospital cafeteria for two hours, without going to the desk or trying to find out what was happening. They didn’t think it was their place to do so. All they knew was that they wanted to be there for Jess whether she knew it or not. So they drank tea and waited and they watched, waiting for a glimpse of Jess.
The Baby Group Page 37