Hollow Sight

by Kristie Pierce

  It’s not that simple.

  “It is actually. You’ve always been a giver – one to put others needs in front of your own, but when it comes to your own happiness, don’t you think it’s time to be a little less… I don’t know… altruistic? Try being self-centered for once.”

  I turn my gaze away from the brightly lit pool and look at Sera with a puzzled face. I don’t see myself as selfless at all and I’m not sure about the giver part. What have I ever really given anyone to make their life better or to make any kind of difference? None that I can think of. There are plenty of other people out there in the world that are much more selfless and philanthropic than me.

  “What? It’s true. You haven’t loved Ben in a long time. He’ll always be someone you look back on with a fondness of sorts, but he isn’t someone that you were ever meant to end up with. He’s just a chapter in your life – so turn the page. You need to stop letting yourself get in the way of what makes you happy. One of your downfalls is that you’ve always had such a big heart and no matter what the cost toward yourself, you put others first.” She emphasizes her point with a big swooping gesture in the air around her.

  What if I’m just being difficult? What if I’m the reason I’m not happy with Ben? He hasn’t really done anything wrong. Sure, he annoys the crap out of me and I shy away from him when he reaches out to me, but what if all of this is due to the fact that I’m the problem and not Ben? I’ve always thought it to be a little strange that I’ve never felt a stronger form of love for him. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I'm broken. Yeah know, incapable of love.

  Sera shakes her head as I ramble.

  “Do you know how ridiculous you sound? Really, are you listening to yourself? You’re only being difficult about making yourself happy. I know that the last thing you want to do is hurt Ben. He’ll get over it. You’re only seventeen, it’s not like you have to figure out who you’re supposed to be with now. You’ve got plenty of time for that. And as for incapable of love… well, I think you know, especially now, that that simply isn’t so.”

  I groan. You sound just like my mother.

  “We’re both right then,” she responds with a triumphant nod.

  I laugh quietly to myself without humor. They probably are both right. Not just in one fact, but in a couple. No, I don’t have to figure out my future just yet and who or what that future is supposed to have in it. And second, that although I would like to deny it until I’m blue in the face, I do put others first no matter the cost me. I can’t help it. I like helping people feel good, maybe bring a little sunshine to their day even if it means my feelings are sacrificed in return. I don’t like to hurt people, not on purpose. And I've always had a problem saying the word no. It makes me feel guilty to do so.

  Sera and I sit quietly for a moment, both staring at the rippling water lost in thought. The quiet is interrupted then by a sudden racket of loud and keyed up voices coming from the hallway. We glance at each other, both furrowing our eyebrows as we listen. The dive team is winding up practice, but nobody has left so it can’t be any of them. Surely the outdoor practices would’ve been canceled due to the rain, so who’s left here at school to be causing the disruption? I’m not sure, but they’re getting closer and louder.

  “…last one in has to clean the equipment!” A gruff voice bellows from the hall. I can now hear wet sneakers squeaking and the clicking of cleated shoes against the smooth tiled floors of the school halls.

  “Not a chance! I’m jumping in with clothes and all!” Another boy shouts while slamming in through the double doors.

  My eyes widen in horror as I instantly recognize Adam Perry from the varsity soccer team running headlong toward the awaiting water. Apparently their practice hadn’t been canceled. Coach Dawson every so often opens the pool to the football players because her son is on the team, so that they can cool down after practice, but never to the soccer team. A sudden twinge of joy ripples through me like a tidal wave as I realize who will be coming through the doors. I intently watch for the beautiful boy I most want to see as my heart flutters and my stomach performs somersaults.

  “That’s another reason not to be with Ben,” Sera says with a smirk.

  I smile while looking toward the door, but then compose my best poker face to look at her. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

  “Sure you don’t,” she says with a laugh. “I’ll leave you to it.”

  In an instant, Sera has vanished and I am now alone to ogle over Liam in private, and for that I am very glad.

  Then, just like in a movie – slow motion and all (no doubt a result of my overactive daydreaming) – he walks through the double doors leading to where I sit like a lump on the damp cement. If I lived my life as a musical, this would be the part where a sappy song meant to start my heart racing and blood pumping would cue.

  Liam is dripping wet from the rain, his shirt clinging to his chest shaping every contour of his body. He absentmindedly shakes the rain water out of his hair as he walks and then takes his right hand to run it through the messy, tussled locks. He’s laughing, letting his straight white teeth shine from behind his smiling full lips. He’s still holding a soccer ball under his left arm, but that’s when a teammate comes up from behind and knocks it from his grasp, sending the ball flying far into the air. Liam’s aqua eyes follow the ball with tight precision as it bounces off the concrete and then splashes freely into the blue water at my feet.

  As I watch him, my heart feels like it’s going to jump right out of my chest. It’s pounding against my ribs while my blood pulsates loudly in my ears. He looks away from the twirling ball and meets my eyes. He locks his gaze with mine and I am instantly his prisoner.

  I gulp.

  As Liam walks toward me, I realize with sudden urgency that I have to know him, I have to make an effort to have him in my life one way or another. And I can’t explain it, but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that Liam is meant to be in my life. That he will play some vital role of importance in my future. Jeesh, I’m really letting my mind get out of control. But I can’t shake it. It’s as if I am suddenly some sort of incomplete person without him and in the back of my head I know that’s silly, but yet, I can’t deny it. I've never felt like this before – like I was missing something or someone in my life to complete the other half of me. But now, as I watch Liam walking toward me, hidden magnets buried deep inside my body suddenly start vibrating and pulling from within, trying to draw us closer together.

  He comes to sit next to me on the cool cement, loosely pulling his knees upward while his feet lay flat to the ground. He rests his elbows on his knees, interlocking his fingers together in the empty space between his legs, and I can feel that he’s staring at me. I’m looking away now, but I can’t help peeking at him out of the corner of my eye. I have to concentrate on how to breathe normally and those magnets I’ve just imagined... they are now violently shaking inside my veins striving to force my hands to reach out to him. I squeeze my fingers into fists and dig marks into my palms with my nails as I clutch my limbs and my will.

  “I thought you’d be long gone by now.” Liam says as I watch his rowdy teammates cannon ball into the pool.

  “Normally I would be, but I stayed longer so I could practice a bit more.” I answer in a quiet voice. A thrill of excitement shoots through me when I contemplate the possibility of him thinking about me.

  He nods and then looks toward me again while resting his chin on his arm. “So are you headed out then?” he asks casually.

  “I was, yeah.” I glance to the scar in his eyebrow and wonder how he got it.

  “No coaxing you into staying?” he asks after a few minutes. I risk looking at him and see that his glorious face is lit up with a mischievous smile. The kind of smile that sends hearts racing and girls squealing.

  I turn my eyes back to the now churning water and laugh. “There really wouldn’t be any point in me staying. It’s not like I’d get much use out of the space,” I
explain, pointing my head in the direction of the boys that are now dunking each other and playing on the ropes that divide the lanes.

  He laughs, too. It’s a thrilling sound. “That’s probably true. Although… just because you stay doesn’t mean that you have to practice. You could just swim with us and enjoy the water. Ya know, have a little fun?”

  Tempting.

  My brain is going a hundred miles an hour. I want to stay, to talk to him, to be near him. I fight not to reach out my hand and put it against his glistening cheek as the magnets in my veins tremble with wicked temptation. My fingers are actually shaking and throbbing as I struggle to keep them to myself. He is so close. It would be so easy to just accidentally brush my hand against him.

  Would it be wrong if I did stay? It seems that he wants me to. Maybe he’s just being polite since I’m already here. Or maybe, just maybe, he likes me and wants to spend time with me, too. I feel arrogant thinking the last part. He is just being polite.

  When I don’t answer, Liam changes his expression from teasing to a face of abrupt seriousness, almost calculating. He swallows. “Your Ben probably wouldn’t like it much,” he murmurs while looking away to the water.

  His words bring me up short and I’m overcome by emotions of disgust and the expression painting its way across my face clearly shows it. It startles me when Liam says Ben’s name. The lusty fog I’ve been surrounding myself in with his presence has suddenly and viciously been blown away with a strong windstorm of consciousness. Reality is abruptly all too clear and now front and center in my mind.

  “It’s not that.” I reply almost in a whisper. I suddenly feel guilty wanting to stay.

  “Some other time then.” Liam whispers quietly, almost as if to himself.

  I decide to finally look at him then - really look at him - and I then can’t speak. All I am capable of is staring at his beauty. My eyes carefully stroll over his features again taking in his sandy hair, his subtle tan, his lean and muscular frame. He is slightly covered in mud, with splatters here and there on his cheeks and arms, which surprisingly makes him that much more glorious. And those eyes. The beautiful aqua color of his eyes are as if they’ve been carved from some kind of rare crystal outlined in a deep, sapphire blue. They are so sharp in color and they glint so beautifully. He could hypnotize with those eyes. And he does.

  Liam then sits up straight, pulling his rain soaked shirt off over his head and lightly tosses it down next to me. I idly wonder to myself as he peels off his shoes and socks if he would notice his shirt missing if I were to take it.

  I need therapy.

  “You know, my coach isn't going to appreciate all this mud and grass you boys trampled in here,” I say then. “Someone is going to have to clean it up.”

  I watch him rise to stand, and then he turns quickly to look at me.

  “I have a feeling it'll get taken care of,” Liam smirks. He smiles once more before he takes off in a run and jumps into the air, flipping playfully backward into the already choppy water. Just as Liam is to make contact with the waves, I notice one of the ropes that divides the lane in his flight path. However, at the last second it instantaneously and miraculously floats out of his way. Good thing, that would’ve hurt.

  I decide to get up off the now soaking cement and figure it best that I do leave. I feel slightly self-conscious being surrounded by all of these boys standing in just a bathing suit. I quickly wrap a white towel around myself, tucking it under my arms. Liam’s head pops up out of the water as I begin to turn and depart.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow in class!” he yells.

  I wave to him and then turn back around allowing a huge smile to spread across my face. I’m unable to fight the surge of delight overpowering me from the promise of his words. It’s just class for crying out loud, but still, it will be time to be in the same room as him. Maybe Calculus won’t be as bad as I’d originally thought.

  When I get home, Elly has dinner waiting. Some days I don’t know how she manages to be such a loyal employee and a fulltime mom. I have to admit that it feels nice to have her there when I arrive home in the evenings. Although I’m sort of a loner and have learned to be by myself often with her working long hours, I can’t help but feel comforted and safer with her here.

  “How was school?” she asks while spooning a helping of green beans onto her plate.

  “Today was easy I have to admit. It looks like I’m going to have one day of simplicity as far as classes go, then the next day promises to be much more complicated.” I answer, scrunching my face.

  “That figures. Wouldn’t want to spread out the workload now would we? I wonder why it seems that life always works out that way,” she muses.

  “Murphy’s Law.” I answer as I plop down to the table. Elly puts my plate down in front of me and goes to sit in her seat.

  “I've come to the conclusion that this Murphy guy sucks.”

  “Yep. I'd have to agree.” I sigh, and then begin ravenously eating the grilled chicken breast she’s prepared. I’m so hungry I could eat skunk butt.

  “That's a pretty grim outlook to have at such a young age,” Elly says to me. “That's not like you. You usually try to put a positive spin on things”

  “Truth hurts sometimes.” I shrug.

  She decides to let it go. “I haven’t had the chance to talk to you much since school’s started. All joking aside, how’s it going?”

  “It’s fine. School is school. I will definitely have more homework on Wednesdays and Fridays which kind of stinks for weekend plans. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a good girl and get my homework done and out of the way before Sunday rolls around.”

  “Right!” Elly laughs. “Not you. Miss Procrastination. One can dream I guess.”

  My mom has never liked my procrastinating ways and she is usually pretty vocal about it. Homework has never been my strong point and when I was younger, I can remember the countless nights we would argue about it. At least now I do it without being asked or told. I don’t want to argue and I do feel better once it’s done and out of the way.

  “And your swimming?” she prompts.

  “Oh, that’s going really well. I'm improving my times in both races and Coach Dawson is really excited for the team’s progress this year. She thinks we may even go to Regional’s.”

  “Good for you girls! How wonderful. That'd be a nice way for you to sign off on your swim career. But you know our deal: No swim team if you don't hold a B average.”

  “Uh-huh,” I agree around another bite of chicken.

  We both continue to eat our dinner and Abigail manages to squeeze her way under the table as she sits with her head in my lap, hoping I’ll drop a scrap of food for her. After sitting silently for a few moments Elly chimes in with more conversation.

  “Any new student’s this year?”

  I almost choke after she asks her question. I finish chewing the now seemingly large bite of poultry and swallow loudly before I answer.

  “Um, yeah.” I reply while I look down to my plate, stabbing a bean with my fork. I try to appear vague as I grab for my milk. “A few.”

  I have no reason to be, but I am suddenly uncomfortable as Liam rushes into my head. I don’t keep anything from my mother, so why am I suddenly so distressed as I try to figure out how I’m going to explain him to her? Elly notices the change in my demeanor.

  “Someone in particular’s got your attention. Spill.” She knows me so well.

  “Nope. Not really,” I respond loosely.

  “Liar,” she teases.

  I contemplate for a second and then figure there will be no hiding it from her anyway. I take a deep breath and decide to talk.

  “Well… we have a foreign exchange student this year… he’s from England. At least I think he's foreign exchange, I’m not sure, maybe he's moved here,” I begin as I again realize that I’d meant to find this information out. “I think he’s a senior. He’s in my math class.”

  “Cute?” she asks with a sly sm
ile, taking a bite from her fork.

  That’s all it takes for me to really let go. She’s obviously entertained by my reaction and I am eager to harbor the conversation. It was silly to feel uncomfortable – I can tell my mother anything.

  “He is without a doubt the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes on. His eyes are the color of a tropical ocean but rimmed in dark blue, and he’s tall and lean and muscular. His voice is deep but soft, and the accent doesn’t hurt.” I explain with a giggle.

  “Does he have a name?” Elly inquires in between bites.

  “Liam Francis.” I reply, making his name sound like lyrics from a song.

  Elly looks down to her plate as if she’s contemplating on how to phrase something. Her sudden seriousness makes me wary and I can tell there are some form of words on the tip of her tongue, but she is obviously trying to hold back. I patiently wait for her to speak her mind as she never allows much to stop her from saying just what she’s thinking.

  “He seems to hold quite an interest for you,” she finally begins. Each word comes out slower than the first as if I’ve turned into someone incapable of understanding speech in the last five minutes.

  “Why do you say that?” I ask innocently. Stupid question.

  “Because it takes a lot for you to gush so enthusiastically over something, or someone I should say. Especially someone you’ve just met. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you already have a bit of a crush on this boy.”

  Crush. It’s already more than just a crush. At least I understand the word, crush. Whatever it is I feel for Liam is clearly more than just some silly school girl crush and it’s intoxicating. I try to keep my face well composed as I speak to answer her.

  “Why? Because I said he was… gorgeous?” Saying Liam is gorgeous seems like an understatement. He is way beyond that.

  “The way you looked just then, when you were talking about him. I’ve honestly never seen you… glow like that.”

  “Glow?” Had I lit on fire or something?

  She ignores me. “Is this Liam boy someone you’d like to know better?” she asks before taking a drink of her milk.