Just as I slam the door shut, it sounds as if Liam says something like, “Game on.” A thrill shoots up my spine but I quickly push it away. I had most likely heard him wrong.
I walk to the front porch and turn toward Liam as he pulls out of the drive. He waves out his window and I wave back. As I walk through the front door to the house a sudden wave of guilt comes crashing down over me. I just told Liam that Ben and I aren’t too serious. I feel even guiltier when I realize just how fast I'd said it. And I’d felt the need to add that things haven’t been going so well. What is wrong with me? When I’m around Liam, it’s as if Ben doesn’t even exist. I completely forget that I do in fact have a boyfriend.
I suppose this is my answer to the question I’ve been asking myself now for months. I have to be without Ben and try to somehow have Liam in my life even if he is just a friend. If that’s all I can have, I’ll gladly take it.
As I am walking through the door, the phone rings. I half-run to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Hey, baby! Guess what? I got out of class early and I thought that I’d drive down to see you.” Ben says in my ear.
Panic hits me and I’m not entirely sure what to say. Fresh guilt washes away the panic when I realize that I don’t want him to come. He sounds so elated to the thought it makes me feel bad all over again to say what I’m about to say.
“You really shouldn’t, it's such a long drive for you. I mean it’d be nice to see you,” I lie. “But I’ve got a lot of homework to get done.” That part isn’t a lie. “And I really need to get started so that I can get to bed at a decent hour.” I finish lamely.
It’s silent for a long moment.
“Okay… I guess then I’ll see you Saturday as planned?” he asks, sounding a little unconvinced.
“Yup. See you then. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I hang the phone up and put my face into my hands. I feel both horrible and relieved at the same time. Now I have a couple of more days to figure out how exactly to break a heart.
Chapter Five
The last two days fly by as time usually does when you’re not looking forward to doing something. Morgan has gleefully agreed to be my escort being I’m without a vehicle – this meant that she regained her driving privileges sooner as she had already lost them again. She’d sideswiped her brother’s car, taking out his side mirror while fidgeting with her hair. Elly had walked down to talk to Morgan's parents in-person; she thought it better coming from her as she explained the pickle I was in. Mr. and Mrs. Reade graciously agreed when my mother pointed out that she went to work too early to take me as did both of them. I was just grateful my mother agreed not to make me ride the stinky school bus.
My Bronco ended up having to be towed to Gurdy’s Garage, and so here I am at the mercy of Morgan’s bad driving. I’m grateful that she’s willing to let me tag along to school, however I have to admit I’m petrified that I won’t get there alive. But I make it to and from school each day injury free. And riding with Morgan isn’t all that I had been dreading; her driving is the lesser of two evils for me this week. I’d been discussing my impending break up with Sera, and of course, she thinks that I’m right in wanting to end my relationship with Ben.
“I told you; you’re not happy anymore. Ben isn’t what you want. So just bite the bullet and break up with him already!” she had said.
“It’s easier said than done you know. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“You’re only hurting yourself by not being honest with what you really want. And I’m sorry, but it’s not Ben. He’ll get over it. To be perfectly honest, I don't think he'll be as brokenhearted as you think.”
I sigh. She’s right. I don’t want to be with Ben any longer. It’s that simple.
I obviously discussed my situation with Elly, too. She was reclined in her favorite drabby chair one night reading a book and I was sprawled out on the floor with my homework. After trying to concentrate on the same math problem for over twenty minutes, I gave up and had flung my pencil across the floor.
“Problems?” she asked without gazing away from her novel.
“Kind of.”
“Well, tell me what kind of problem it is and I’ll try and help.”
“You probably already know,” I had whispered.
She looked up.
“Well, it’s just that… I guess I know what I want to do… I’m just not sure how to do it.”
Elly’s eyes became understanding and soft with motherly concern and she replied with, “Breckin, you’re a very tactful and sensitive young lady. I’m sure whatever you do, or how you do it, it will all work out just fine.”
“Thanks,” I had said sarcastically.
Elly laughed. “I’m sorry, honey, it’s unfortunately not something they write a book on or anything any one person can tell you how to do. There aren’t instructions for this part of life. Follow your gut, it’s always right. Your heart lies.”
“Says the divorcee.”
“Well, it’s true. If I had followed my gut instinct I never would have married your father. But of course now I see that the reason I married him was so that I could have you. It was the best mistake of my life. So, with that piece of excellent advice, do what you think is right and I’m sure it will all work out how it’s supposed to.”
“Well, I know that I don’t want to be with Ben anymore. And it’s weird, but it’s like I always knew that I never really wanted to be. I’m not sure why I ever really was to be honest.”
Elly thought about that for a minute. “Who knows why we take the paths we take.”
“Probably for a bigger reason we don’t understand,” I had sighed. “And to learn something. At least that’s what Sera always says.
“More than likely true,” Elly nodded.
It seemed that would be the end of our conversation and I was just as lost at the end of it as I was at the beginning. I’m frustrated, but not at my mom – it isn’t her problem to figure out how I should dump Ben. I knew that she would think it best I figure this out on my own.
When it comes time for Ben to arrive to my house on Saturday, I notice that my pulse has picked up, but certainly not out of excitement. Is it – fear? – that has sent my heart into a speeding frenzy? I’d never been one to want to inflict pain intentionally on anyone. Not even my worst enemy – not even Amber – although she more than deserves it. But I've never broken up with anyone and I’m very unsure on how to go about it.
I’m starting to panic as I watch the clock click closer and closer to the time he’ll be arriving. What am I going to say? How am I going to say it? What will he say? How will he react?
Elly has the windows open today, enjoying the late summer breeze as the warm weather will be ending all-too-soon. I hear the stones in the drive shift under car tires as Ben pulls into the drive. I’m sweating now, but not from the heat of the weather and I can feel my ears turning red. The engine dies and I hear a car door slam – and then another car door slams shut. Two sets of footsteps are now approaching the house.
My heart slows back to a somewhat normal beat as I try to figure out who could be with him. It doesn’t take long to find an answer.
“Breckin! KNOCK, KNOCK!” Axel hollers through the open window in the living room.
Great, Axel is here. The little twerp probably texted Ben to come get him knowing he’d be spending the day with me. How am I supposed to break up with Ben now? I really don’t need my little brother eavesdropping on this particular conversation. And he’d probably rally to Ben’s side.
The front door opens and Axel is inside first. He mock punches me in the arm and with a huge smile asks, “Do you have any food? I’m starving!”
“You know where the kitchen is, help yourself. Although you might not like anything we have; there isn’t any junk food.”
He shoots me a disappointed look but ducks into the kitchen anyway. Axel has a gift for finding anything non-healthy to eat. If we have it, he’ll sniff i
t out.
“Hey,” Ben says as he stalks sulkily through the door.
I inhale a deep breath. No breaking up today although I very much just want to get it over with. There is no way I can do this with Axel here.
“Hi.” I force a smile.
As I look at Ben I can’t help but compare him to Liam. Ben is taller than me by only a few inches. He has white-blonde hair cut short to his scalp and his nose is a little wide. He has very thin lips that look too small for his face and he usually has reddish-orange stubble scattered unevenly across his cheeks and chin. He never has been able to tan, so he’s pale except for his cheeks that are peppered in bright orange freckles covering sunburn, and I notice that his usually light-brown eyebrows are bleached white from being outside this summer. He dresses in an old T-shirt and sloppy shorts that hang just below his knees. I suddenly realize that love is very blind.
“Where did Axel go to?” he asks as he shuts the front door.
“In there,” I say, pointing over my shoulder to the kitchen with my thumb.
Ben rolls his hazel eyes. “I swear that kid would eat dirt if he had to.”
“Axel will be Axel. How did he convince you to let him tag along today?”
“He’s whiny.”
“He just misses you,” I snap.
Ben blinks at me, but otherwise doesn’t comment on my sudden outburst. We both stand awkwardly in the center of the living room for a few minutes. I keep my arms crossed over my chest as if I were cold and Ben stands looking around at the pictures hanging from the wall as if he's never seen them before. It feels like we’ve just met and we’re trying to force a conversation. Like two strangers might if they were left alone in a room after their relatives had just introduced them and are now forcing polite small talk.
“Is there anything you’d like to do today?” Ben asks as he manages to sit down on the couch.
Break up with you because I’m falling in love with someone I’ve only known for a week.
“Not really. I haven’t thought much about it.” And I hadn’t. Up until about five minutes ago I was trying to come up with the best way for dumping him.
Another couple of minutes tick by and I can hear Axel rummaging around in the cupboards. He finally comes back into view with an open bag of chocolate chips in his hand.
“So, what’s the plan?” he slurs around a mouthful of chocolate.
“The plan is for me to take you home! You’re such a pain in the ass. How did you manage to weasel your way into coming today, anyway?” Ben suddenly shouts at him.
My eyes bug and I’m instantly pissed. Nobody talks to my brother that way except for me. A fierce wave of big-sister-ultimate-protector takes over and I’m shouting back.
“Don’t talk to him like that! You’ve no right! Who made you all high and mighty, huh? If anyone is a pain in the ass, it’s you! And he didn’t come alone! You had to drive him, remember?”
“It’s a gift. Whining. Weaseling. Forceful persuasion.” Axel replies as he tips his head back and pours more chocolate chips into his mouth. Ben’s callous tone didn’t seem to affect him as it did me. “What can I say?”
I snicker. Originally I’d been a little upset with the fact that Axel had come, but now I’m relieved not to be alone with Ben. I won’t have to fake enthusiasm so much with Axel around. He always brings amusement to any situation.
“I haven’t seen Breckin in weeks and you have to go and butt in to my time like a punk.” Ben mumbles stupidly. He sounds like a whiny child.
“You saw her last weekend, moron.” Axel says with a full mouth. “And you didn’t have to let me tag along. You could’ve told me to just shut up.”
Hasn’t it been longer? It feels like it to me. So much has happened in the last week that it almost feels like actual weeks have past. Maybe not so much has happened as it would seem to others, but my world has been turned upside-down and it’s all thanks to one person. I have to fight hard with my brain to keep Liam’s face from appearing.
Ben ignores Axel and turns to me. “What would you like to do today? Anything you want.”
“Well, it’s pretty nice out still. There probably won’t be many more days like this. Let’s do something outside.”
“Let’s go to the city pool!” Axel chimes in. “It’s still open. They don’t close ‘til next weekend!”
I am always up for swimming. Sure, it will most likely be busy with all of the people wanting to enjoy the last days of summer, but I certainly won’t argue the chance to be in the water.
“Sounds like fun to me.” I agree with a smile.
Ben isn’t a water person, however he’s usually up for doing whatever I want and this sends a new twinge of guilt throughout me. He normally tries to make me happy even though I am usually annoyed with the efforts more than anything. And I know deep down the reason he didn’t tell Axel to bug off is because he knows how much he looks up to him. Not having a father-figure in his life, Axel has latched onto Ben more than I think even he would like to admit. I’m thankful that he’s willing to spend so much time with Axel. However, Ben has a problem with thinking before he speaks. He always says the wrong thing at the wrong time. The boy doesn’t have a brain-mouth filter at all and it always overshadows any warmhearted feelings I may have.
“I guess we could do that,” Ben says while resting his back against the couch cushions. “That way I can check out all the hotties in their bikinis.”
Axel pours another huge mound of chocolate into his mouth and I stare while my mouth hangs open in shock. As Axel chews his last bit of chocolate, he shakes his head. I haven’t managed to shut my mouth yet.
“What? You know you’re looking forward to it too, Axel!” Ben chortles.
“Keep digging your hole, Ben.” I mutter. He doesn’t hear me.
Axel stands beside me now while glaring at his idolized football hero. “You are so stupid sometimes.”
My previous, compassionate thoughts vanish and I’m surprised at how quickly Ben annoys me. Infuriates me, even. At that moment, I almost don’t care that Axel is right next to me. I suddenly want to tell Ben just what I think of him and exactly where he should go. I bite my tongue and decide that it’s probably best to let it go for now. This isn’t the first time Ben has said such remarks but it adds fuel to my fire. The guilt melts away and has been replaced with angry flames that blaze hot within my veins.
After I stomp off to my room and change into my favorite white bikini with multicolored polka dots, I throw on my light cotton shorts and a tank top. Axel had conveniently grabbed his swim trunks from home – a result of secret scheming – and Ben decides he’ll just swim in his shorts. After we’re both changed, we’re ready to go.
Axel calls shotgun as we’re walking to the driveway and I don’t argue. Ben gives me a confused look while Axel peers over toward me with a sympathetic expression as though he knows he’s actually doing me a favor. I’m sure that he assumes my seating choice is because of Ben’s earlier comment, but the truth is, there’s just so much more behind my reasons why. It almost feels wrong to sit beside him, to be with him, and the guilt slowly creeps back up inside as I think about the reason behind it. Curse my conscience!
I sit in silence the entire ride while I listen to Ben and Axel go on about this year’s football team. Ben had been a key player when he was in high school and I can tell that he misses it now. Normally I would’ve been sympathetic to Ben’s misery and his feelings for missing it, but today I want to tell him to just grow up and get over it. He isn’t in high school anymore, so suck it up and move on. He'll probably be one of those guys who show up to class reunions still wearing his Letterman jacket, reliving old football highlights through projected images on the wall, hackling and jeering with others just like him.
When we pull into the pool parking lot, it’s crowded as we thought it would be, but it isn’t all the parked cars that catch my attention – it’s only one. A pretty, black, shiny, fancy one.
Ooooh, crap.<
br />
Butterflies take over in my stomach and I begin to fumble for reasons in my head to leave, but can’t come up with one. Both Ben and Axel know how I love the water and they’d think it really odd if I wanted to leave. For one split-second I allow Liam to enter my thoughts and I’m instantly overcome with joy. More than joy; I’m elated. I picture myself swimming and splashing and playing in the water with him and realize that I very much want it to be Liam with me instead of Ben. I frown.
My short daydream is interrupted with the sound of Axel’s voice. “Breckin, are you coming or did you plan on staying in the car?”
“Oh, yes, I’m coming.”
We all three walk across the lot and the sun beats down against us making it seem very hot for the first day of September. Axel walks slightly ahead of Ben and I, and Ben reaches over for my hand. I brush it off, not caring if I hurt his feelings – which isn’t like me – and rearrange my big beach towel so that I have to carry it in the arm closest to him. He doesn’t seem to notice because he’s taking in a group of girls walking ahead of us. Maybe now he won’t want to hold my hand.
“Like what you see?” I ask sarcastically when he completely fails to hide his ogling.
That got his attention. “Huh? What? I was just thinking that I can’t wait ‘til we get in there. It’s so hot out here!”
“I’m sure that’s what you were thinking.”
Ben shrugs his shoulders and has a look about his face that is anything but remorseful. We walk into the small building made of cement and wait our turn in line to pay. I pull a small bill from my shorts pocket and Axel eyeballs me.
“Not a chance, I’m paying for you. I still owe you for the pizza.”
“Aren’t you going to pay for me, too?” Ben asks, hopeful.
“Hell no! You’re on your own. ‘Sides, you don’t want me here, remember? I’m pretty sure it was you who said to, what was it? Bite your ass?” Axel says while giving Ben a dirty look.
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