I travel slower than when I’d driven home after school, slower even than when I had driven Axel home Thursday – biding my time. I creep along the snowy covered path. It’s a private drive, so snow trucks don’t make this circuit. My big four-wheel-drive tires make the drive effortless, but with my stomach in knots and my eyes burning with unshed tears, I just can’t go any faster. It probably takes me fifteen minutes to reach the Dawson’s house driving down their snowy lane at my sluggish pace. Any other time it would have taken me five minutes at most. But fifteen minutes is what I spend with a thudding heart and wet eyes. I still don’t exactly know why I’m even doing this. The entire situation is absurd. Liam.
The Dawson residence comes in to view and looms large and nauseatingly in front of me. The big house rests back away from the road, tucked behind vast trees lining their property and has a large snow covered yard, giving me just enough camouflage to hide me from view as I pull around. I park on the side of the road for fear of someone seeing me. How will I explain myself to my coach when I show up unexpectedly on Christmas day? I have no idea what I’m doing.
“What are you waiting for?” Sera ask as she suddenly appears outside my window.
“Give me a minute.”
“You don’t have a minute.”
“It’s not like anyone’s life is on the line here. Chill out,” I hiss. “Before I go ringing anyone’s door bell, I need to have a story in place. It’s Christmas day for Pete’s sake. I need something to say as to why I’m here in the first place. I can’t just go in anyplace I feel like and stay undiscovered like you can.”
Sera considers that for a short second. “Good point.”
I sit for a very long time, allowing several different scenarios run through my head. But none of the scenarios I come up with are feasible enough to use as an excuse to be here today.
And if it wasn’t Liam’s birthday.
He probably won’t even agree to see me. Once he hears that I’m here to speak with him, he’ll just figure I’ve finally lost it. Or that I’m just plain pathetic. What am I doing?
I could try the truth, I guess. Maybe I can tell him how miserable I am. Okay, miserable isn’t strong enough of a word. Tell him that I have an imaginary fault line running through my heart that feels anything but imaginary. That whenever I see him I want to wrap my arms around his neck and tell him how much I love him still, even after he’s told me that he’d pretty much used me in place of his feelings for Evie. How I’ve cried night after night for him and how my ashen heart feels as if it could burn a hole right through my chest upon seeing him, hearing him, smelling him. That I haven’t been able to breathe without him. But that’s only if he agrees to see me.
Too bad I don’t have a Christmas gift or something for my coach. That would be an easy enough excuse. Stopping by real quick to drop off Coach Dawson’s present. I have a close enough relationship with her that that might work, if I had something for her.
“Why don’t you just use the truth?” Sera asks quietly. She’s come back inside the car.
“And that would be…?”
“What you just said. Or what you were thinking, rather. That you have to tell Liam that you can’t be without him.”
“Right.” I snort.
“Why not? It’s his birthday, right? You came here to wish him a happy birthday and you were hoping that you could talk. Everything you’ve just been thinking is best said in person anyway.”
It sounds so simple. But it still will seem weird that I drove all the way here just to do that. A phone call could have taken care of what I need to say. It’d be simpler to call and ask if he’d be willing to see me. Yet here I am, getting ready to push myself on him like an obsessive stalker.
I let my eyes scan the house, and the amount of cars in the drive clearly states that there’s a lot of people here today. A family gathering that I’ve come to interrupt with my over-fabricated excuse; that I can’t wait any longer in telling Liam that I miss him – that I can’t live without him. How dramatic. I roll my eyes.
“This will never work,” I say as I reach for the keys to start the ignition.
“Breckin. Look at it this way; if you can convince Joseph that he’s no longer amongst the living, then he will cross over and leave you alone. He won’t cause you pain anymore and you don’t have to worry about the next time he may or may not show up, sucking you into the anguishing misery he seems to be so good at. You can’t do it here, obviously. Since he’s sort of attached himself to Liam, you’ll have to try and get him to come with you.”
“And Evie?”
“We’ll deal with her later.”
“No, Sera, she’s the bigger problem.”
“I don’t think so. She’s not coming around to ruin your life, Breckin. She wants Liam to be happy.”
“If she wants him to be happy, then why does she keep coming around? He can’t forget her if she keeps stopping by.” Heavy sarcasm. “I still think she’s up to no good. Something about her makes me feel weird. Creepy-weird. And for the record, I don't believe Evie wants Liam to be happy at all.”
“You seem to forget that life ceases to exist to us on Earth when we die. Like I said; we’ll worry about her later. Now, you need to get Liam to follow you so Joseph comes, too. This attachment thing is tricky.”
The thought of that makes my stomach churn. The fact that I’m about to see Joseph is enough to make me nauseated, but then to think of him following Liam around makes me even sicker with anxiety. I’m not much of a masochist, so if I want to stop living in fear that I might see Joseph again someday, I’ll have to try and get Joseph to crossover somehow. I have to admit that Sera’s right about that one. But I have no idea how to do that. I’ve heard of professional mediums coming in to a situation and talking to whomever it was that needed talking to, reasoning with them, convincing them that they were dead, and to move to the Light, blah blah blah. There is obviously a way to try and convince spirits to crossover to Heaven, but I don’t know the first thing about any of that. I am certainly not a professional in this area, nor do I ever want to be.
“Just get Liam alone with you and then talk to Joseph. Find out why he’s so attached to Liam. Maybe that will help,” Sera encourages.
“That’ll probably be harder than it sounds. Liam doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“You have nothing to lose then. But I don’t think that’s true.” I give her a doubtful look and she shrugs her shoulders. “It’s worth a shot,” she says in a small voice.
“I can't believe I'm doing this.” I complain.
I stare at the house again, allowing my brain to recall all of the good memories – only the good – I’d had with Liam, even though the burn in my chest begins to scorch with the effort. I think that maybe it'll give me the nudge I need to go to him if I remember all the moments we’d shared. At least this time I manage to do it without completely breaking down. The first moment I saw him, when he came into the pool at school after his soccer practice, when he’d given me a ride home after my Bronco wouldn’t start, the way he stood up for me with Ben, then later on the tire swing, our night-time swim, the boat ride after the bon-fire, the barn lit with hundreds of candles and the way he’d kissed me, the way he held on to me so tight – when he told me he loved me. There was no hesitation in his voice then. The way he looked into my eyes as if he could see my soul. As I remember all of it now, I can’t recall one moment that it had felt like Liam didn’t love me. I remember foolishly thinking after he was done with his story about Evie that he would probably never be able to love anyone like that again. As I look back on it now, I feel so stupid for not believing that Liam loved me like that. He clearly did.
How could I have let him walk away so easily? I’d said I was going to fight for us and instead all I’ve been able to do is fight against myself. The depression I’ve let myself fall into – it has overtaken me time and time again, forcing me to forget what’s most important. When you feel like giving up, remem
ber why you hung on so long in the first place. It’s right there in front of me. The quote on my bracelet suddenly seems to be sticking out like a neon sign. I’ve let myself forget. Even though I’d convinced myself that I never would, writing it down for my eyes to see, I already have. Liam is what I want, what I need, and instead of fighting for us, I’ve let the desolation of what I’ve lost have me and rule me. I have given up on what I most care about.
In that instant I get a sudden wave of courage. I pull the keys from the ignition and jump out of the vehicle. I march toward the front porch of the Dawson’s house, weaving in and out of the tightly parked cars in their drive and stomp up the wooden stairs to their big wraparound porch in sheer determination and stop in front of their door. I take a very deep breath and reach a shaky finger out to ring the doorbell. I can hear a lot of voices talking simultaneously and I can tell that there are several people in the large living room located at the front of the house.
Coach Dawson comes to answer the door. “Breckin? What are you doing here?” she asks in alarm and confusion. “Is everything all right?”
“I’m sorry to bother you. Merry Christmas. I, um… could I possibly speak to… Liam?”
Coach Dawson furrows her thin, dark eyebrows for a split second. “Oh, sure, honey.” Awareness suddenly lightens her face that I’m standing outside. “Come in, come in. I’m sorry, how rude of me. You just took me by surprise being here today.” She then gives me a warm hug.
“I’m so sorry to interrupt,” I say as I step from her embrace. “It’s horrible timing, but it’s sort of important. It won’t take long.”
“Oh, you’re not interrupting much. Just the family over for the holiday. I’ve actually been stuck in the kitchen cooking all day.”
“Smells good,” I observe. The entire house is engulfed with the sweet scents of corn bread stuffing, rolls, ham, green bean casserole, and apple pie.
“I’ll go get Liam for you.”
“Thank you.”
My heart picks up in pace. Half from excitement and half from nerves. I don’t know how Liam will react to me being here, and if Sera’s observations hold true, Joseph will be following directly behind him. I brace myself for what’s to come. I ready my body as best I can for the upcoming pain it’s about to undergo. The fault line in my heart rumbles with pleasure and anticipation for the burn, but otherwise doesn’t threaten to erupt entirely.
As Coach Dawson disappears around the corner I hear the room go quiet. A few seconds later I hear footsteps moving toward my direction. They get closer and louder as if he’s maybe anxious to get to me. But then the footsteps stop just on the other side of the door frame that separates me from him. A moment later, Liam steps out in front of me and sure as the sky is blue, Joseph is right behind him.
Chapter Nineteen
“Breckin?” Liam asks as he rounds the corner. He doesn’t appear angry or upset. Definitely confused.
I close my eyes and fight against the pain. The pain that follows with Joseph’s presence, the pain that overtakes me when I see Liam, and the way my heart spits upon hearing his beautifully accented voice saying my name. Two very different types of agony. It’s hard to concentrate on the reason I’m here, although I have to try.
“Hi,” I gasp. “Sorry to intrude.”
I squint my eyes as my head starts to pound and I fidget with my coat as the air becomes hard to breathe. My scarf suddenly feels extremely constrictive around my neck. Realization hits Liam’s gorgeous face as his features contort from confusion to rage in a split second. He crosses the space between us with two long strides and clasps the tops of my arms with his large, slender hands.
“Why are you doing this? You need to leave.” His voice is low but firm.
Time has not weakened Liam’s awareness. He knows me well enough to realize that I’m in throbbing pain. It’s obvious to him – even though I’m trying so hard not to show it –as I struggle not to clutch at my chest and keep my breathing as normal as possible, that I’m hurting. What he doesn’t know though, is that part of my pain – the much bigger part of my pain – is something that I struggle with every day. The pain of losing him is incapacitating.
His touch doesn’t fail to send an electric current running through my body as he tightens his hold on me and gives me a little shake. I’m amazed that I can feel the delicious tingly zap radiating throughout my system when I’m experiencing a very different type of feeling with Joseph standing so close. I peer over to the transparent man I’ve been dreading to see and I’m thankful he’s stayed put against the wall and not decided to walk over toward me with Liam. Although both Sera and I are glaring at Joseph, he doesn’t look at me or her. Instead, his black empty eyes stare after Liam, looking at him as if Liam holds the secret answer to a question he’s searched his entire life to find. Sera stands protectively – thankfully – next to my side as she appraises Joseph with cautious eyes. Maybe she’s the reason why he hasn’t come any closer.
“Get Liam to follow you,” she reminds me. “You can’t do this with an audience.”
“Um,” I mutter quietly. “Would you mind… coming with me? I mean... you know... after... you're done… here?”
I can’t understand the expression on Liam’s face. It’s flashed so fast between rage, confusion, desire, and worry all at once that it’s confusing. And now his expression has turned completely unreadable. But his aqua eyes are intense, giving away maybe just a little of what he’s feeling. But instead of staring into my awaiting eyes, he’s focusing off somewhere else.
“Liam?”
He shakes his head. “Come with you? Now?”
“I know... the timing is poor.” He raises one eyebrow. “Okay, I... know the timing is... extremely poor, but this is... important... and it can’t wait.” I’m trying not to gasp as I talk, but I’m hardly able to breathe now. My lungs ache for air as the pain in my ribs fight against the desire to inhale.
“What could possibly be so important that you had to come here, today of all days, to talk to me?” His voice is acidic.
I swallow. His reaction has made it hard to concentrate on the task at hand. I clamp my eyes shut and focus. There is no way I’m going to voice aloud why I need to speak with him. Even though it seems everyone else in attendance is enjoying the party, I’m not about to take the chance of someone hearing me. I’m having trouble getting the air to say complete sentences as it is.
“Please? Just... trust me,” I plead.
“Breckin, I thought I made it very clear that you needed to stay away from me.”
A blow to the gut. Liam saying it like that – it makes any hope I had left inside of me die and the courage I’d mustered up has now vanished away completely.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. Tears are beginning to threaten their way over the rims of my eyes and my bottom lip has started to quiver.
I step back as far as the space will allow, giving Liam some distance as he releases his hold on my arms. The agony I continue to feel with Joseph’s presence still radiates throughout my body, however it now takes a very distant backseat to the ache I feel in reaction to Liam’s words. The echoing pain in my chest first starts with the same tightness I’d felt from Joseph’s injuries before, but now my heart is spitting molten lava only adding to the agony. I manage to gaze up to Liam and he’s staring at me now, but I don’t know why. He looks completely at a loss and as though he’s internally squabbling with himself. And then for a short second, the misery flashes across his beautiful features.
“What is it?” I ask in a whisper.
“That man is here isn’t he?” he sighs. I nod. However it’s clear that Liam already knew that. “Is this what this is about? All that it’s about?”
“Careful,” Sera cautions. “Don’t push your luck. The truth will definitely not set you free right now.”
I glance over to her, then to Joseph standing in the corner, then to Liam’s awaiting gaze.
“Uh-huh,” I reply while biting my quiverin
g lip. I’m trying to undo the zipper to my coat at the same time as breathing has become just short of impossible.
“Okay, I’ll come with you,” Liam begins slowly, keeping his eyes on mine. I think I see him reach a hand up to stroke my cheek, but I could’ve been wrong due to the fact my vision is being impaired by the blinding headache I now have. “Just not right now. As you can imagine, I’ve got some things to attend to here. I’ll meet you.”
I nod again, fervently this time.
“Are you sure -”
“YES!” I almost shout, cutting him off.
“But I can see that…” Liam will try and talk his way out of this, and from what I can tell, it’s because he can see that I’m in excruciating pain due to that man and nothing more.
“It doesn’t matter, Liam. This is important. Please.”
He blows out a gust of air and it reaches all the way over to me, blowing a strand of my hair. “All right, Breckin. I’ll see you in a bit.”
As Liam turns toward his guests and I turn toward the door, I unexpectedly remember something. Something I’ve been thinking and obsessing about non-stop for days now.
“Liam,” I murmur softly as I look over my shoulder.
He turns to face me and crosses his arms over his chest. “What is it, Breckin?”
“Happy Birthday,” I say with a small smile.
Liam’s face lights up just the tiniest bit. “I’ll see you later.”
I drive home just as slowly as I’d driven to the Dawson’s house. Partially because I’m trying to figure out how in the world I will help Joseph crossover, especially since according to Sera he doesn’t realize he’s dead. But if he follows Liam, I’ll finally get my chance to rid myself of him, and that is definitely something I want to do. But partly – a huge part – my slow driving is because I’m busy thinking about Liam. The way he’d looked, the sound of his voice, the way I’d managed to suck in his soft scent with every ragged breath I took. I’d done it. I’d managed to both talk to him and convince him to meet me.
Hollow Sight Page 38