I look at him slightly puzzled and he gives me my favorite wink, although his face now shows slight traces of worry. I realize what he’s doing then; Liam is setting up our alibi for what we have to do. Of course we’ll be gone late – Sera said the timing had to be precise, so in order for this crossing over business of Joseph and Evie to work, we all have to be at the Hollow Site around one o’clock tomorrow night. When I think about how fast our night of doom has snuck up on us, my head spins. I cower into Liam’s side without thinking and he wraps an arm around my shoulder.
“No worries,” Beth answers. “I trust both of you to be on your best behavior.” She gives Liam a meaningful although playful look that causes me to wonder if there’s more implication behind her comment.
“Don’t worry Mrs.… er, Beth. I’ll keep him in line,” I joke, sitting up and jabbing Liam playfully in the ribs.
“Ha!” Liam’s father chortles. Mr. Francis hasn’t looked up from his newspaper once since dinner had started, but now as he chews his food with a hard jaw and loudly slaps down his reading, I can see that our conversation is about to turn very unpleasant.
“Here we go,” Liam mutters while his aqua eyes pierce his father.
“Please, Everett,” Beth whispers. I realize that this is the first time I’ve ever heard Mr. Francis’ first name. Everett Francis. Jeesh, not only does his presence scream authority, but his name does, too. “Just leave it alone,” she pleads then.
“Leave what alone?” I blurt without thinking. Holy crap, Breckin, shut up!
I realize I’ve said it out loud though I had meant to only think it, and bite my lip. I look up to Liam to see that his face has turned back to the same hard expression he seems to always wear around his prevailing father. I hate to see him this way and of course all I want to do is fix it. To have Liam back to the polite, soft mannered person I love so much. But I don’t think this can be fixed.
“You’re not driving, are you son?” Everett says then. “We wouldn’t want… an accident.”
My eyes grow huge while my mouth drops open as Liam stiffens at my side. I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
“Why don’t you just come out and say what it is you really want to say,” Liam growls.
“Calm down, honey,” Beth murmurs nervously. “Liam, he didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Of course he did! The man can’t open his mouth toward me without speaking in disapproval.”
I feel Liam starting to shake and so I put my hand on his leg under the table in an effort to calm him, just as he had done with me moments ago. Without taking his glare away from his father, he wraps his long fingers around mine and begins squeezing unconsciously.
“Um, Liam…” I whisper as his grip becomes tighter.
“So go ahead. Say what it is you feel is so necessary to say and stop with the snide remarks.” Liam snaps.
Still squeezing.
“Liam, my hand…” I murmur.
“Why don’t you just lay it all out for everyone? C’mon old man. Say it!”
My fingers are turning colors and I can’t stop from wincing as his powerful grasp pinches my skin.
“Liam, this is hardly appropriate behavior in front of our guest. You’re overreacting, son. Calm down and let us finish our dinner.” Everett replies.
“Why do you keep avoiding it? You brought it up, so let’s get it all out there. I’m tired of it. You’re always saying how no man should ever cower behind latent words or sour expression; to say what it is he needs to say. So, why don’t you be a man and face up to what you really would like to say?”
Liam’s voice is like boiling water melting through layers of ice, and the hold he has on my hand has become excruciating. I tap him with my good hand and when he glares down toward me with gray-ish blue eyes, I flinch unthinkingly away from him. I manage to point to my injured fingers and he releases his death grip, but then balls his own hands into fists. White knuckles protrude from his skin and the tendons in his forearms look like they’re about to snap beneath the skin. I rub my fingers and watch as the normal color returns to my own skin, and try to think what I can possibly do to help Liam calm down.
“So, you want me to man up, is that what you’re saying?” his father retorts. “Man up and face my actions?”
“It’d be better than what you’re doing now.” Liam retorts back. “At least then everyone would know what you're really thinking instead of the cryptic non-sense you seem to find so adequate to spit out. Watching you pretend to be a gracious man with a poorly placed, well-mannered tone is making me ill.”
“Fine son, I’ll man up. Something you greatly disappoint me in.”
“I’m not surprised you find me disappointing,” Liam says, letting out a mocking laugh. “You’ve made it perfectly clear that I’m a huge let down to this family time and time again.”
“Have you managed to tell your flavor-of-the-month just how you got your car? Have you explained to her what you became after what you’d done? The type of person you really are? I doubt she knows anything about you.”
“All that’s in the past. I’ve changed.” Liam says now in a voice that hints that a monster is about to rip its way from the inside out from within. His eyes are dark with fierce anger and I watch his chest rise and fall quickly from the rage threatening to burst from his body.
Beth chimes in, her voice sounding so small in contrast to what is happening. “Liam, you’re not a disappointment. It wasn’t your fault, baby. You couldn’t have controlled what happened.”
“Go ahead, son. Tell her about the real you,” Everett says with a mocking laugh. “What you were and what you became. Or better yet, why the accident happened in the first place.”
“Maybe I should go upstairs,” I whisper mostly to myself. I feel like I shouldn’t be here, in their conversation. As much as I want to be here as a comfort to Liam, I feel at the same time that it’s wrong for me to witness what’s unfolding in front of me. This is clearly a private struggle between family.
“No, Breckin,” Liam says. “You should know that my father thinks I’m a murderer.” His tone is so matter-of-fact that it shocks me more so than the words he had spoken.
“Liam!” Beth exclaims. “No one thinks that!”
“What?” I gasp in disbelief. “Why would you say that, Liam?”
“Because it’s true,” Everett says in an unexpectedly calm tone. “There are no accidents, only consequences. And what my son has probably failed to mention is that what happened that night would’ve been avoided if not for him. Now with that, he has irresponsibly and negligently taken someone’s life.”
“Everett! It was an accident!” Beth shouts again.
“And furthermore,” he goes on as if his wife hasn’t spoken. “This child who pretends to be a man, became even more of a disappointment after that. Sneaking around and befriending criminals as friends. Driving car after car as if they were toys. Spending time with this girl and that, throwing them away like trash –”
Liam shakes his head furiously and lets out a short laugh to cut his father off. His expression has made it clear that he finds his father’s words harsh but unexpectedly true. Beth begins to quietly cry and I think that I might join her. I reach toward Liam in an effort to calm him once more, but he shakes me off – practically slapping my hand away. I attempt to act like I don’t notice, but of course it crushes my heart for him to turn away from me like this. I swallow hard against the lump in my throat and turn in my seat so that I’m facing the table. I don’t dare make eye contact with anyone, so I keep my head down.
“You think I don’t know what I’ve done?” Liam says in a hard, low voice. “You think that I don’t remember that moment every day? Replay those last few minutes over and over again in my head, trying to think what I could’ve done differently?” His voice is still low, but somehow this makes it more threatening. “I am the one that has to live with that feeling every day of my life. I am the one who has that unbearable memory burned in
to my head. I am the one who sees her tangled and lifeless body every time I sleep in a nightmare I can’t escape.” Liam shakes his head once more. “But to have a father feel nothing but discontent and regret every time he looks at his son… that is what’s truly disappointing.”
Beth is sobbing now, obviously exhausted from this constant battle between father and son. Liam stands and excuses himself from the table without looking at me or anyone else for that matter. His father remains seated, looking almost triumphant and picks up his newspaper again to read as if the past ten minutes hadn’t just happened. I’ve lost my appetite as well, so I throw my napkin on top of my half eaten plate and stand, too.
“Excuse me,” I say quietly.
“Sure, honey.” Beth responds while peering up with red, swollen eyes. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
I touch her shoulder and she reaches a hand up to squeeze my fingers. I head from the kitchen toward the stairs then, but as I begin to take the first step, I hesitate instead. I stand with one hand on the banister and with a foot on the first stair as I realize that I probably don’t actually want to go up to my room. Liam obviously wants to be left alone, so I won’t be going to see him, and it isn’t exactly like I can go sit in the kitchen and chat with his mom. That’s where I always ventured to when I needed to think and have some alone time. But I’m feeling extremely alone and want to talk to someone. I realize then that I want to talk to my own mother. I need to talk to my mom. I want to hear her voice, to be comforted in a way only my mother can do. My cell phone is in my winter jacket hanging on the coat rack next to the front door, luckily, so I’m able to skip going upstairs after all. But where can I go in this vast house and be able to talk quietly without someone over hearing me? Sure, there are a lot of rooms to choose from, but to be honest I don’t feel very comfortable in any of them without Liam by my side.
I lay my phone against my cheek and tap a finger on the side of it while I think. Then it hits me. The pool. I can go in there and feel almost as comfortable as if I were actually at home.
I swivel away from the stairs and start tiptoeing for the hallway that leads toward my destination. I realize I’ll need to pass the kitchen to get where I want to go, so I cross my fingers hoping Liam’s parents have left the room and make a mad but quiet dash for the pool room. I don’t slow until I reach the large wooden door that’ll lead me to where I want to go. I open the door and sneak in, quietly closing it behind me.
Once inside, I suck in the scent of the familiar chlorine aroma I love so much and exhale all the tension I’ve been holding on to. It brings me comfort and a feeling of solace I hadn’t realized I’ve been missing so much until this moment. I continue to suck in the well-known bleach scent and stride over to the side of the pool.
The room is only being lit by the dim, white light shining from beneath the water, and the ripples from the slight waves echo on the glass walls and ceiling making it appear as though I’m underwater. If I were a child, I’d let my imagination run wild with fantasies of being a mermaid and perhaps even pretend as though I were one. I remove the hoodie that I’d replaced my sweater with earlier in the day, but leave my T-shirt in place and then remove my shoes and socks. I roll the fabric of my jeans up to my knees so that I can sit with my bare legs dangling in the warm awaiting water. Once I’m settled where I want to be, I scroll through the contact list in my phone and select HOME to dial my mom. It rings more than usual and I idly wonder if she perhaps is on call and won’t be at the house. I pray she’s home. I won't get to talk to her like I need to if she’s at work.
Just as I know the machine will pick up, and I’m ready to end the call, Elly answers. “Hello?” she garbles groggily.
“Mom? Did I wake you up?”
“Oh, hi, honey. Yeah, but it’s okay. I was on call last night and had to go in.” I hear rustling on the other end as I imagine her struggling to sit up in her bed.
“I can let you go if you want.”
“No, no. I haven’t talked to you today. What’s up, how’s your trip?”
“Ummm… it’s been long. We didn’t do much today.” I am not about to tell her about my ugly visit from Evie and that really is the only eventful thing I can think of to tell her. “Liam took me on a sleigh ride this morning. That was really nice. A bit cold, but all in all really beautiful. His family breeds and raises horses, by the way. Did I tell you that?”
“No, I don’t remember you mentioning it.”
“Yeah, well there’s this one horse, he’s super cute and his name is Sebastian. He’s Liam’s horse and he’s had him since he was a little boy. He seemed to take a liking to me. But he didn’t lead the sleigh, two other horses did. Liam showed me around his family’s property… which is really big, by the way. There’s like three-hundred acres. Insane. We were out there quite a long time, but when we finally came back to the stables… which are heated and gigantic by the way… I tried to help with all the horse stuff but almost broke my foot instead when I dropped it… and then…” I stop. I was going to tell her that I’d fallen and hit my head, but then I’ll have to bring up Evie and that is a definite no-go. “Then we came in for lunch.” I finish lamely.
“Sounds like you had fun. But Breckin, can you quit rambling and tell me what’s upsetting you?”
I open my mouth to babble about something else before what Elly had said registers. But as what she did say finally manages to sink its way into my brain and I backtrack to what I’d been talking about, I realize she’s right. I am babbling uncontrollably. And the words had come out way too fast – the way I always speak when I’m upset or nervous.
“What makes you think there’s something upsetting me?” I ask in a voice that is much too high.
“Honey, your tone is off and I don’t think you’ve finished a complete sentence yet. And I lost count how many times you said, by the way. Also you’re my daughter, I know when something is wrong.”
“Just home sick,” I whisper. “I miss you.”
“I miss you, too. Just another few days and you’ll be home,” she assures in her motherly tone. “Are you not having a good time?”
“Sure I am,” I answer too quickly. “Tomorrow we’re going into London so Liam can show me all things touristy. That should be fun.”
My tone is off and I thought talking to my mom would make me feel better. Instead, it has made me think about how much I’ve been hiding from her and with everything that’s happened in such a short time, it’s all beginning to unravel within me. I hadn't realized just how tightly wound I had become. I used to tell Elly everything, no secrets between us. She knows me inside and out, and now for the sake of not worrying her and causing her to live in fear for me, I’m keeping the biggest secrets I’ve ever had from her. It makes me sad to think of how much she trusts me and how much I’ve been holding back. It isn’t the mother/daughter relationship I’m used to. And seeing what Liam has to deal with from his angry and callous father, it really does make me savor and thank my lucky stars even more for what Elly and I have.
“Yes, Breckin, that should be fun. There are some really neat things to see in London. Not that I’d know firsthand exactly, but from what I’ve read and heard.”
“I’ll be sure to take lots of pictures for you.” I promise. “How’s Abigail? Does she miss me?”
Elly laughs. “Of course she does. She's been sleeping on your bed and I haven't had the heart to tell her to get down. She also looks for you at the normal time you’d be coming home from school. Funny how dogs know that, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I agree. It’s nice to have a somewhat normal conversation – one that doesn't involve ghosts or hindered pasts, even though I’m feeling gloomy and a bit miserable. “Mom, I’m glad I got to talk to you. And I’m sorry I’ve been so distant lately. I’m going to try really hard to change that.”
“I know you’ve been depressed, honey. Break-ups are hard no matter what the situation. And after you left the other night, I thought about what yo
u and Liam had told me, so adding that circumstance into the normal conditions of a break-up…well, I can only begin to understand what you were feeling. You have a gift, Breckin, and I know sometimes you see it as a curse. But this man you both spoke of obviously sought you out for a reason. He needs your help, I truly believe that now. I know I said that maybe you’d be better off without Liam, but you’re right; I can’t stop a ghost from coming around no matter who you’re with. And I can see just how much he means to you. Joseph has found you and whether Liam is in your life or not, I think he won't leave you alone regardless unless you help him.
“Now. I’m not dumb and I realize there are probably some things about this ghost business you’re not telling me. And knowing you, this is upsetting you to keep it from me. But believe me when I say, I don’t want to know. I trust that you’ll tell me what I absolutely need to know and to keep the rest to yourself. I also trust that you’ll keep yourself safe. So, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that is part of what’s bothering you. Am I right?”
My mom has me so pegged.
“Well,” she prompts. “Am I?”
“Sort of,” I whisper.
Elly chuckles quietly and adds, “Breckin, chin up. I’m not mad you’ve been keeping things from me. I understand why you’ve done it. I’m afraid I’ll never get used to what you can do, so feel free to keep me in the dark.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“You’re welcome, honey. Now that we’ve resolved some of that, try to enjoy the rest of your trip. It’s not every day you get to travel to England and sightsee with a local. It’s more genuine that way. There isn’t a tourist book in any book store that will be able to show you the things Liam can.”
“This is true,” I smile.
We say our good-byes and she again tells me to enjoy myself. I agree as wholeheartedly as I can and hang up the phone. I lay back on the cold tile floor, but keep my legs dangling in the warm water. I watch the swirls of the reflecting water echo on the glass ceiling above and wonder what Sera’s doing. She’s been gone so much in the past few days that I can’t help but question what she could be discovering in her quest to help me crossover a ghost that doesn’t know he’s died. I haven’t seen Joseph yet on this trip, and I’m extremely and beyond thankful for that, even though I know it’s inevitable that I’ll have to sooner or later. Evie is plenty to deal with on her own and I wish I hadn't seen her.
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